I know what the wife's sister's getting for Christmas.
A pimple. Side of her nose.
It's developing really nicely.
You make it sound like she's entering it for a competition.
She could - she's on a winner there.
It's the wrong end, otherwise I'd think it was a rear light.
You seem to be remarkably well-informed about a pimple that's only related to you by marriage.
It's there every morning across the breakfast table.
It's hard not to stare.
I'm not supposed to look, but it draws you.
It's not so bad with porridge, but I hate the way it moves with anything...chewy.
Maybe you could convert her to yoghurt.
Yoghurt? She'd think that's a long-haired wild animal.
I thought she thought that was you!
She did.
She thinks I'm a primrose.
But a really macho primrose.
Stares fearlessly at pimples.
Unless it's chewy! But who says you're not supposed to look?
They gang up on me.
Look at him.
He's staring at your pimple.
That's three of them I've got to worry about now.
D'you think this is fooling anybody, Howard?
I think it looks very natural.
I think it's a great way of keeping in touch over Christmas.
I have to tell you, it rates very low on my excitement scale.
To add some variety, we could always change bus stops.
Merry Christmas, Howard.
PING!
There you go.
Errol Flynn did it better.
Shirley Temple did better.
It's too cuddly.
How can you bring yourself to slaughter a creature like that?
What do you think Robin Hood used to do?
I bet he lived on tinned stuff.
You're not really a killer are you, Billy?
Well, it's Christmas. What can you do?
But the day after Boxing Day they'll see hard Billy Hardcastle back on form! Hard?
It's women that have to be hard.
And you're doing nicely, Mrs Batty.
We have to because men are such big tulips! Tulips!
All right, stand back, stand back.
This is hard Billy Hardcastle...
..with his bow, ruthless when he has to be.
Useless is closer.
It's no good, I can't kill anything with fur. I'm a people person.
I see your wife's sister has a nasty pimple.
Oh God, that's done it.
She'll think I've blabbed.
I keep telling her, outlaws don't talk.
Has she tried honey?
Who are you calling honey? I thought we'd agreed to be just good friends.
An empty snooker-cue container.
It's what we've always wanted for Christmas.
There must be a million things one can do with an empty snooker-cue container.
It's not for Christmas.
It's for any time.
Oh, an empty snooker-cue container for any time.
Will I have to wear a fancy waistcoat?
It's not for using.
It's just for appearance.
And we can all guess what they'll make of two loonies walking around with empty snooker-cue containers.
Three.
People won't know it's empty.
They'll just assume we're going to play snooker.
And what's in it for you, Howard?
Well, if you happened to walk past my house carrying a snooker cue,
I could join you carrying my snooker cue.
And we could all go off without arousing any suspicions.
Hmm.
Get...!
It's quite nice out.
Aren't you going out?
Glenda?
Do you realise how much out there is?
You don't have to overdo it.
Just stretch your legs.
Billions of light years of space and it goes on forever.
Take the car.
You're not listening. OK, now I'm listening.
Look at me, Barry, I'm doing... "person listening".
Come here.
Look out the window.
Looking out of window. Right, done that.
Doesn't it make you feel small, insignificant?
No. We're as good as they are.
I don't care if she does have a 42-inch plasma screen.
Don't damage the chair.
Don't tell me, tell Santa.
He's sitting in it.
Who's going on the truck and who's staying? Oh!
Then they say it makes a lady's heart flutter to see men in uniform.
It was your idea!
We didn't volunteer.
This thing is not as warm as my dressing gown. Haven't you got anything thicker?
Oh, look who's asking to be thicker.
At least you get truck. Should be reindeer.
And that's another thing. Can't we ride in the cab?
Oh, you've got to be seen!
You're no good in the cab.
And don't stand too close together. You look like Santa's had a pup.
You're giving Christmas a bad name.
It's freezing out here. It's going to be worse on that truck.
Good truck. Air conditioned... in back anyway.
One of you goes and one of you stays here in Santa's grotto.
Toss a coin for it.
Use your own coin, I haven't any change on me.
Heads.
Tails!
You never gave me time to see it.
Trust me, I'm your friend.
Man and his machine.
It's all there, isn't it? The masculine need to continually expand the envelope.
Just removing the odd squeak.
Going somewhere where squeaks dare not tread, are we?
It's just a little routine maintenance.
Does that mean you're not going somewhere? I hadn't really thought about it.
Perhaps if the occasion arises...
And what might that occasion be?
Well, you never know what may come along.
Oh yes, I do.
I know very well what may come along.
DOOR OPENS
Oh look! Clegg and Truly going out to play!
I think I'll make it a threesome.
You see, I told you it would work.
The drinks are on you, Howard.
Oh... Do you think we've got time?
Yes.
HE WHIMPERS
I've had enough of this.
Oh, no!
I didn't think they played.
I didn't think they did anything else. Snooker!
They've never been notorious for games of skill.
They see things on television.
I hope they didn't see it last night.
If they start playing games in here like that, they'll be barred, I can tell you.
Oh, you shouldn't watch those bits.
I don't.
When they start flaunting every moving part, I make a cup of tea.
You must be waterlogged.
I wasn't watching, I was changing channels.
It comes leaping out at you.
You can see things with a remote control you never saw in 40 years of marriage.
Look at him twitching. He wants to be off.
Well, I do have another appointment.
Well, I'm sure that does surprise us. Off you go, then.
Take these things with you. Yes, and the sooner the better. I feel such a fraud carrying this thing.
But I can't take all three. It's not natural.
(It looks suspicious.)
Oh dear, who'd ever imagine Howard looking suspicious(?)
HORN HOOTS
Merry Christmas from me and Santa.
Tell him same from us. You tell him. He's in truck.
Oh.
WHIMPERING
Not any more.
Whatever have you done that's so destructive?
Oh, Howard, it alters your whole personality.
The playboy element's just gone.
It's nothing.
It's just this metal thing down me trousers.
How long have you had a metal thing down your trousers?
You never mentioned it before.
It wasn't there before.
You've grown a metal thing down your trousers?
No. I put it there.
You put a metal thing down your trousers?
It's just a little idea I had.
Why are we hiding them?
What's wrong with carrying them?
I don't want a reputation at my age of being a snooker player.
It clashes with my lifestyle.
And how would you describe your lifestyle?
Oh, it's at the cutting edge of boring.
You'd prefer us to get a reputation for walking stiff-legged?
Well, it's hardly noticeable.
If tha's walking like that because of a pimple, it must be strategically placed.
I only once seen a bloke who walked like that, and he was foreign... so you didn't like to ask.
Walking like what? Come off it, like that.
Unlucky when legs face wrong direction. Bad feng shui.
We're walking like this, if you must know,
because concealed down our trousers is an empty snooker-cue container.
For which we have a perfectly good explanation.
Stop messing about. Why is tha really walking like that?
You'd think they'd never seen a gentleman carrying his sporting equipment before.
What can you say except, it's a good job you're not going hang-gliding?
Actually, we're just warming them for a friend.
Must be good friend.
That's what we need, a few friends. Give us a hand with this.
That's the saddest Father Christmas I've ever seen.
Someone else who doesn't enjoy Christmas.
- How did he get in that condition? - He was trying to pass me truck.
Was that a problem?
It was going 30 at the time.
He exaggerates.
Not by much.
We'll have to carry him. What's wrong with the truck?
He won't go in the truck.
He's really set his face against travelling by truck.
Should we eating chocolate in uniform?
Is your chocolate in uniform?
Mine's dressed very casually.
But isn't it against regulations?
It is if you're just eating chocolate.
But not if you're maintaining in a responsible manner your sugar level
in order to be able to respond to any emergency.
That's good. I like that.
Do you think Father Christmas is drunk?
I think he looks worse than that.
German? I think he looks dead.
Why would they be carting him about if he's dead?
People panic.
Yeah, that's true. Take us two for a start.
So you think that bloke's dead?
He's dead. Trust me.
I'm a trained observer.
Look at him, the way they're having to prop him up.
What's your explanation?
I think he's a dummy.
Because he looks all rubbery?
That's the clever part.
They're moving him before rigor mortis sets in.
It's Christmas. We ought to give people the benefit of the doubt.
I agree. It saves so much paperwork.
And anyway, we're right to consider every possibility.
I think it's a good job we've been maintaining our sugar levels.
I shall always be grateful for this warmth and refreshment.
Steady, tha's getting him squiffy.
His legs shouldn't drink. Not at speed they travel.
I believe his eyes are out of focus.
Maybe it's just his head.
Here... Eh?
It's his legs need the lubrication, not his insides.
You oil what you want, and I'll oil where I want.
It kills the pain.
The way he tries to overtake motor vehicles, I'm not sure he should be drinking.
I'm not sure he should be drinking mine.
Don't let him go to sleep.
Auntie wants him riding round town.
Bad for me image if he goes faster than truck.
Let him sleep - it's cheaper than drinking.
I don't think he's sleeping. I think he's unconscious. Are you sure?
With Smiler it's not easy to tell.
Gone but not forgotten.
Billy, you'll have to take his place in the truck.
Why me? Lucky you, you're just the right size.
And you, Alvin, you can help us give Smiler some exercise.
He can't even walk.
Lucky you.
I won't have you worrying your head about infinity and big bangs and quantum theories.
You can play some golf and take your mind off things.
It's so inconsequential hitting a ball a few yards,
when out there, space goes on forever.
Nobody's asking you to hit the ball that far.
Just give it a whack, Barry.
When you think of the ingenuity wasted in the making of this play thing...
Don't think about it.
Just hit something.
Is this why our ancestors came down from the trees?
I don't know why your granddad was up a tree and I don't really care.
Just relax something, Barry.
Eh up, Barry, how long have you been hitting them like that?
Does it really matter?
Does it really matter?!
I've have asked Nelly to come in for a minute.
Is he with her?
Somewhere in the background.
Looking down at his feet.
He just stares at his feet.
It's hard to believe.
But when he was young he was nimble enough.
Especially with a button on a blouse.
Why was he wearing a blouse?
He wasn't. They weren't his!
I've never needed any help with mine.
Come in, love.
Where's Travis? Bring him in.
You can't bring him in.
He'll break something.
Go home, Travis. Wait for me there.
I shan't be long.
You what?
Well, wait out there then.
What will you do?
Well, amuse yourself.
Have a look around the garden.
I know it's winter.
Have a look at where the flowers are going to be in the summer.
Anticipate.
I can't stop. He'll go into decline. Since he retired from the bank, it's got worse.
Does he have no other interests?
I cured him of them when we first got married.
He watches horror films.
I've heard you play pop with him for watching horror films.
So would you, if you saw the living dead on the screen and it turned out to look just like your husband.
I quite like those creepy horror films.
It's about the only excitement left.
Films?
I've no time for watching films.
You used to like going to the pictures.
We all did in those days.
And it wasn't just for the film.
If you got on the back row, sometimes you had to go back three times to see all the picture.
That back row started some marriages off.
By the end of a long film, people could be almost engaged.
There were those who went on the back row and those who didn't.
The only time most of us didn't was if it was full.
What's he doing out there? He's quiet.
He's always quiet.
There's quiet and there's "What's he doing?" quiet.
Nellie, he's not going to be stolen.
Keep yourself warm, Travis.
Keep moving. You'll be up all night.
He's never had good kidneys.
You can hear every organ in his body once he starts.
I can stand the noise.
It's when he goes blue.
That could be fatal, blue.
He doesn't go blue everywhere.
There's just this one patch on his abdomen, about the size of a complementary calendar.
What year?
They could be any size complementary calendars.
Not in our house.
We just get the one from Wilsons, undertakers.
They pretend it's because they buried my mother.
But I think they're keeping their eye on Travis.
Well...
Did your Howard finally make his move on the back row?
He finally worked up the nerve to throw his arm around me.
That's how it used to start.
And they always try to make it look casual.
Suddenly, this arm comes whistling round out of nowhere, then hits me smack in the eye.
You could hear the slap.
People turned around.
Well, you've be getting your own back ever since.
MOBILE RINGS
Oh. 'Ere, give us your cup. Sorry.
How could you lose your reading glasses? What's to read out there?
What dog?
Oh, you gave the dog your reading glasses.
What kind of a dog needs reading glasses?
It wanted something to carry.
He's all right, then, Father Christmas.
Is it? He's walking well enough.
Then who's under that blanket?
You don't think...?
I know it makes your arms ache, but we'll get used to it in no time.
I'll be able to do this often.
Something else to look forward to(!)
What time's your bus?
Bus?
Yes, the one you're waiting for.
Oh, that bus. No, not really.
I just happen to be waiting with someone who's waiting for a bus.
Is that Howard behind the newspaper?
I suppose it's possible.
I know it's not much fun, but if it enables us to be together...
..just the two of us...
I think we should snatch every chance, don't you?
We've lost them.
You got the vehicle number?
No, you've got the vehicle number.
Oh, where is he? Where's he got to?
What kind of Santa Claus is late for Christmas?
You know he's accident-prone.
He gets into difficulties.
Yes, and they're only just starting.
Oh...oh!
Do be careful! Tha's just dropped Father Christmas.
If I had my way, you'd get a medal for it.
Clegg, he doesn't like Christmas.
Well, not when it starts in September.
I like Christmas. We invented it.
Huh, I think we might be onto something there. We?
Me and a bloke called Jackson from Beverly.
Only we got the name wrong.
We called it Entwistle And Jackson Day.
Didn't catch on. Pity about that.
Maybe you could try again, only in warmer weather.
Worth a shot. I'll tell Jackson.
Excuse me interrupting this rubbish,
but can we get some movement into Smiler?
I know there's never very much of it in the first place.
Come on, let's get it to Auntie's.
Oh, up with him, come on.
How are we going to explain losing a gang disposing of a body?
What body?
Did you see a body?
I saw a hand, that's all.
Look at him.
He's having a merry Christmas all right.
Doesn't he know any carols?
He knew a Carol once.
They were engaged.
She only had one leg.
But he always says the other was a masterpiece of the wood turner's craft.
Get in the sledge, you're as daft as he is.
And you, come on.
Get in, get in, get in.
That's my Barry.
He's taking the mickey.
He's trying to play like me.
That's my style he's copying there.
It's got to be illegal, has that.
I'll tell you one thing, after the next committee meeting it's going to be illegal.
Where's the body?
This is what you want for Christmas - a body? What body?
The body you were hiding under a blanket.
Oh, that body. Funny you should ask that, here it comes now.
Oi!
So I thought I might get you a cue case.
Have you any preference for colour?
HORN HOOTS
May I take this opportunity
to wish us all
a merry Entwistle And Jackson Day.
I know I speak for Jackson when I say, I thank you for that.
What are you going to do for an encore?
We thought maybe invent Midsummer's Day.
Or we call it Midsummer's Day.
That sounds catchy.
It's been done.
Not in January.
No, I think it's a good idea.
People are ready for a bit of sun in January. No, no, no.
Here's to January.
Cheers.