Excuse me, sir.
We're very confused by the roads around here.
Were they designed to confuse strangers, to keep out the Vikings? Could you direct us to...?
Stop! It's no good asking me. I couldn't take the responsibility.
I once told somebody wrong and they finished up in Lancashire.
It can really prey on your mind knowing you've sent someone to Lancashire!
Can you believe the Vikings would ever want to come here?
RUSTLES NEWSPAPER
It's all right, I'm sorry.
Don't be alarmed.
No, it's all right.
I held it back just in time.
Held what back? Well, the hand from nowhere.
The killer hand.
The deadly chop.
It was the sudden movement. You turned the page and I caught it just out of the corner of my eye.
I'm sorry. I mean, I reacted on pure instinct.
Please. Do carry on reading. Carry on.
It won't happen again.
Just the old warrior's reflex.
It's all right. I've got it under control now.
Well, you have to, don't you?
You can't go around in civvy street leaving corpses all over the place.
No, I packed that in as soon as I left Burma.
What are you doing down there?
I saw thee go in the shop, so I thought I'd wait. Don't wait for me.
I've been waiting 50 years for thee. We should've been twice round the clock!
Get to your feet. It's embarrassing talking to people on the floor.
I'll tell thee what's embarrassing!
Them stockings. Eugh!
Don't you be talking about my legs!
Do something about them wrinkles.
I'm not standing here having my wrinkles insulted! Looks like you need a leg transplant.
You get along on sheer adrenaline for the first three months, then the tension begins to build.
Strong men go to pieces.
I felt myself going once or twice,
but fortunately I used to practise the ancient Hindu art of self-control.
The Colonel used to say, "Where's Dewhurst?
"He's the one you need for killing sentries or practising the ancient Hindu art of self-control."
I...
You found it before. How come you can't find it today?
Stop. Let me ask this guy.
Excuse me, sir.
I hate funerals. Was it anything catching? Listen, we need directions.
I'm a native of these parts. It's your lucky day. We're looking for Royd Moor.
I tell you what'll be easiest. Just follow me.
Does tha think there's any cure?
What, for wrinkled stockings?
Not in a case as serious as hers.
I should think that's gone past all human aid.
Such a pity. It's her only flaw.
If you think that's her only flaw, you must have wrinkled eyeballs.
There's no cure for that either.
I talk to her about stronger suspenders, but she gets all uppity, tells me it's none of my business.
She could have a point there.
That's like tampering with the secrets of nature.
Rubbish! Of course it's my business. How would thee like to live next door to wrinkled stockings?
That's true. There's nothing worse than bad neighbours.
He should know. He's been one all his life.
I keep telling her of the dangers of wrinkled stockings.
I agree they're not very appealing to the eye, but I wouldn't say they were dangerous.
Are you kidding? She's got wrinkles like screw threads!
I'm terrified that she'll turn round sharpish and screw herself into the ground!
You have a complicated love life.
I do, Norm. I wouldn't know how to unscrew her - clockwise or anti-clockwise?
I used to come here with Noddy Hinchcliffe, looking for tadpoles.
I never did like that Hinchcliffe habit of wiping the nose on the jumper.
Give over! Everybody did that.
Everybody didn't!
I think they did in cold weather.
Ah, yes. Cold weather, yes.
Noddy were all right.
Didn't she beat you up a lot?
She used to beat me up a lot!
She used to beat everybody up a lot.
Have you seen a dead man on a bicycle? What make of bicycle?
Didn't she marry a Yank? From Texas.
Fancy surviving a war, only to end up with Noddy Hinchcliffe!
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
Yes. Send some if they're fresh, but I don't want that rubbish you sent last week.
I'll have the usual double cream and some of your free-range eggs.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Hello...? Yes, sorry about that.
No. Yoghurt?!
Who comes in here for yoghurt? They think it's a place in Mongolia!
Didn't somebody else marry a Yank? Came back with a funny accent and a tendency to drive on the right.
Sylvia Whatsit. She were a barmaid at the Dragon.
Big woman. No, that were the landlady. Sylvia wore glasses.
Well, maybe she didn't realise he was a Yank.
There's someone looking for thee.
He went that way!
Maybe if she'd had better eyesight, she'd have married one of the master race. What, a German?
A Yorkshireman.
What sort of war did the Americans have? I had no time to marry anyone.
You made time - only thing not on rations!
Will it work? In my experience of technology, it doesn't work. I thought that were men.
Barely got used to electricity. Now it's electronics.
Barry's accomplished on his mobile.
No need to tell everybody!
What's this, then?
A reaction at last!
You could've knocked me down with a feather!
I'm sorry, missus. I thought you were the wife's sister.
Just move a bit to your left. This dress is killing me.
Do it! I've lost enough time finding this place.
Quiet, everyone! Turn over!
Circus of Horrors, slate 41, take one.
Action!
- Cynthia. - Lord Ronald.
I'll protect you, Cynthia.
I wonder if you can. There are terrible things happening around here. Strange things.
The strangest thing of all is that you love me.
By, she looks fit!
Cut!
Go away! Don't mind us, lad. Carry on.
We're filming, you fool!
I wondered what she were doing out here in her nightie. Come away!
Get them out of here! Get away from there!
Leave it with me. I know how to conceal my chaps. I'm practically invisible, anyway.
I wonder if their make-up department has anything to cure wrinkled stockings.
I love taking cover. Just like old times.
All right, let's try again. Quiet, everybody! Turn over!
Circus of Horrors, take two!
Action!
Cynthia. Lord Ronald.
Lord Ronald? He looks a right Lord Ronald!
He looks more like a Lady Ronald.
I expect it's not easy to be masculine in trousers of the period.
Not the sort of knees you'd expect to see in trousers like that.
Cut!
What's the problem this time?
They're talking behind that hedge!
Get these people out of here! I think they live here.
Give them something to do. We need extras.
LOUD BANG Now what?
It's the generator again.
Get it fixed. Didn't we hire some kind of expert? Where is he?
He's over there working on it!
Can you do something?
She's a moody old beast, but we're getting to know each other.
Very sweet, but can you give me something positive?
I think she likes me.
In the film? Us? We can handle that. There's nothing to it.
I know about advanced Instamatics. What do we have to do?
Get into costume and put on make-up.
Come back!
Where are you going? Make-up? We have to live here after you've gone!
This isn't downtown Huddersfield!
No way! My ferrets would never forgive me.
You'll be made up in a soldierly manner. I couldn't risk it.
Not when I live alone with a wardrobe of ladies' clothes. Too much to ask of a rugged sex symbol!
A few quid in it. Unless there's a few quid in it.
Do you need anyone to wear a uniform?
ELECTRONIC BLEEPS
How does a little thing like that keep track of a wandering husband?
I've hidden a transformer on his bicycle.
You're not afraid of interfering with him electronically?
No.
I trust my Barry.
All the more reason why you should have one of those.
What does it do when you switch it on? Listen.
BLEEPING He's at home. How do you know?
If he went further away, the signal would start growing fainter.
Does he know about this?
I thought I'd keep it as a little surprise.
Let's do it once more from the very beginning. I'll sing the Hussar part.
# The bold Hussar rode off to war No braver man you'll find
# He led the way while his soldiers marched behind
# There were jugglers and acrobats and a dancing cockatoo
# And a girl on a high trapeze on the back of a kangaroo
# Cos it's circus time Yes, it's circus time
# With candy floss... #
That's great, kids. That's great. Just keep at it, keep at it.
Shouldn't you be like... doing something?
You can't hurry these temperamental ladies. First you have to gain their confidence.
Hello, chaps, chappies!
OK, deal with it. I'll take care of it.
Why couldn't I wear the uniform? These legs are qualified in every military manoeuvre.
It wasn't your size. We don't carry the whole range. You think this is Savile Row?
I feel a right twit in this frock.
That is not a frock.
It's a smock - an authentic, farm labourer's working smock.
It feels like a frock. I knew when they started with the make-up, it'd be the thin end of the wedge.
Could I have a sword, be a commando clergyman?
What you could be is quiet!
I'm having a crisis here. I've got a guy who talks to my generator, but won't fix it.
One crisis at a time, please!
Just what a chap needs.
Do pass, young farm labourer.
Would you care to kneel down, my good man, so I may step down?
Bog off!
Nice language in front of a clergyman, I must say!
TANNOY: 'Stand where you are. Don't move while I chain my vicious animal up!
'Hands in pockets. I'm not to blame if it goes for your throat!'
It's only me. They all say that.
Oh, it's only you!
Come in, lad, come in. Everybody's welcome.
Didn't sound very welcome. Just security routine.
When you get beyond that, you find this is a very friendly business.
Now, then, lad. What was it you were looking for?
Something feminine for Glenda's birthday. You know the thing.
I don't know the thing, until you tell me how much you want to spend.
If pushed, I could go to £20.
That's not a push, that's a pull. You can't insult her like that on her birthday.
No, what you want is something that says, "I love you."
Something stylish.
Unusual. Expensive.
Trust me. An old lady knows these things.
GENERATOR RATTLES
There you go, girl. That didn't hurt, did it?
But I was thinking of a small item like jewellery.
It IS a jewel, lad.
What you've got there, in terms of precision and handiwork,
is a piece of jewellery.
I want something that says, "I love you."
She'll be thrilled. Judging by the speed of you, she's not over familiar with that.
I want something more personal. For a small extra charge, you can have her name put on it.
I asked for a uniform. You heard me.
I didn't ask for a frock. You know that. I could have made this picture look real.
I wish you two would stop moaning. I've noticed this with civilians.
I don't mind the odd Elastoplast, but that is ridiculous.
Let that be a warning. Never fall down in front of a St John's Ambulance tent.
Looks like a badly wrapped parcel. Second class. Look who's talking!
It is! Smiler?
It is! It's old Smiler! What's tha doing inside that, old Smiler?
I turned up. Somebody said, "Who's going to be Mummy?" I thought, "Great! Just in time for tea."
Hey-up!
They look friendly.
I wonder if they'd swap costumes. This is no costume for a trained killer.
At least as an animal I might get to bite somebody.
Well, I could kick somebody - me!
Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina!
Stuff me! It's Howard and Marina!
I was just rehearsing with this person, whoever she is.
Don't believe him. He's just an animal!
BLEEPING He's out there somewhere. We're getting closer.
It's wonderful the advances in husband-finding!
When you find him, he'll be doing the same old thing.
"Old thing" is right!
You think he's misbehaving?
Close your mouth and cover your ears. Oh, Mother!
Go right, go right.
Go left!
Hello, Mrs Pegdon!
What's your Barry doing on a moped?
Where did you get that thing? Do you think you could get me one?
Will you come down?
Making an exhibition of yourself!
I do wish Nora Batty were here.
How come she's never around when I'm looking real tasty, man? Tasty-wasty!
LOUD SNEEZE
What's going on?
MUMBLES Can't hear you!
STILL MUMBLES Take that thing off!
Billy Ingleton!
It's all that dried blood. It gets up your nose!
It's you gets up people's nose!
Look at me buns!
Relax, relax. I'll buy one.
Oh, big spender!
All right, I'll buy 25. They sent me down for sausage rolls, but they can have buns.
No, they can have sausage rolls. They're dearer.
I'll show you what we can do with the buns.
Has anyone seen my Hussar?
He's making an exhibition of himself on the truck. On a truck? He's paid to be on a horse!
The one in the fancy uniform has to ride a horse?
He's supposed to be a cavalryman. Of course he rides a horse! Leave it with us.
Enjoying your little self? Couldn't be better.
And there's more. More?
Lots more. More of what?
Colour, excitement. Lead me to it! Have I got to kiss the leading lady?
A horse.
I'm not kissing a horse!
You don't have to kiss it, you have to ride it!
Howard, lend us your bike. But... It's no use howling!
I ought to be getting back.
Not till you've renovated these buns. Where are you going back to?
To where they're making the film.
How come YOU'RE in the film?
They couldn't get Jack Nicholson.
What are you supposed to be? I am supposed to be on my way with 25 sausage rolls.
They spare no expense in the movie business(!)
Gotta go. They need me to bite someone.
This is past repair. Bite on this.
It's got that stuff on it!
Only on the outside.
You're trying to choke me.
I won't say I'm not tempted!
Actors!
Who else do I know who's acting in this film?
BLEEPING
I can practically smell his after-shave.
It's grounds for divorce. There were never so many unwed mothers till after-shave.
That's true. The way men used to smell was a great steadying factor.
He's around here somewhere.
BLEEPING CONTINUES
That's an extra-marital bleep if ever I heard one!
It's a shock seeing your husband out with a strange moped.
You have to watch your Barry. Today, a moped. Tomorrow, a fast racing car.
BLEEPING GETS FASTER
I know you're in there.
Come out!
Are you coming out or am I coming in?
Come in if tha likes. I'm game if you are!
Oh! Isn't he magnificent in uniform?
What are you doing with my husband's bicycle? Just taking some exercise while my horse gets ready.
You're not riding a horse?
Of course I'm riding a horse! You don't think I'd get dressed up like this just to ride a bike?
It's like something straight out of the Prisoner of Zenda!
En garde!
He's got no business confusing people's bleeps!
HIGH-PITCHED BLEEP
LOUD BANG
What do you mean, he's gone off?
He believes the only thing you should put on a horse is a bet.
What do I do now? Who is going to ride the horse?
Don't look at me. This isn't a riding frock.
How could you do this to me?
He said he was an expert on horses.
I'm going to do it. Where's the horse? You'll ride it? You fell off that donkey at Cleethorpes!
It had been drinking. We all know who had been drinking!
What's a horse? Just a large ferret.
Do you think his uniform's too tight? It's cutting off all intelligence to his brain!
Probably got it buttoned up wrong.
Ah-ha!
TOOTS HORN
What's going on there?
I see. We're doing it for Nora.
She thinks I look magnificent in uniform. What else can I do, Norm?
Don't ask me. I'm just glad I'm wearing a frock.
This should be good for a laugh.
No, seriously, you'll be fine.
I mean, would I lie to you? I'm a clergyman.
Hello! I thought you'd be here.
Where are you two going? You're in the next scene.
Can't we be in the one after?
You're in the NEXT scene! The whole point is you appear suddenly and surprise the horse.
It won't just surprise the horse.
Could you make it clear to the spectators that I've never met this person before?
Just get over there and stand by!
Off you go, then. Go inside, get used to it.
LOUD NEIGHING
What does tha think, Norm? I think I'll stay out here.
Nora's watching.
What can it do? It's only a horse.
Steady!
LOUD NEIGHING Steady now. Steady, lad!
Steady!
Aaagh!
What's tha feeding that horse on? There's too much roughage in it.
What were you doing with that horse? I can't ride it from a distance.
You're not meant to ride the horse. The actor playing the Hussar rides the horse. You conduct the band.
I found the guy who rides the horse.
It's about time! He's fallen down drunk.
Don't look at me. I'm conducting the orchestra.
HORSE NEIGHS
# O sole mio... #
Where's your wellies, Compo? I lost 'em.
He's lost his wellies!
All right, lads. Let's give it a whirl.
ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO
# Compo's gone and lost his wellies What's he going to do?
# I bought them last Coronation Day They're practically brand-new
# Compo's gone and lost his wellies So he can't come out
# I can't go about in my socks
# Cos Nora's round about
# They've gone, gone, gone He can't come out to play
# Without me wellies on
# Without his wellies on...
# Compo's gone and lost his wellies What do you think of that?
# I always put them out of a night When I put out the cat
# Compo's gone and lost his wellies Where did they go?
# If you see them walking about Kindly let me know
# They've gone, gone, gone Yes, they've gone, gone, gone
# And I can't come out to play Without me wellies on
# Without his wellies on... #
By the right, quick march!
Does he know it's only a rehearsal? There aren't any cameras.
I don't think his tiny brain is aware of that. I think he's going for the Oscar.
# They've gone, gone, gone Yes, they've gone, gone, gone
# I can't come out to play Without me wellies on
# Without me wellies on... #
APPLAUSE
Oooh! Eugh!
Does anybody want a poo...?
Are you sure about this?
Somebody's gotta do it.
Come on! On the set now, please!
He has wonderful control of the animal.
That's my neighbour.
And OK for rehearsal!
And...action!
Go on, then!
No, no, no!
Cut, cut!
Can't you people take direction? You're supposed to frighten the horse. Do it again!
I've never seen him so much in command.
BACKFIRES
Howard! Who's that in the other costume?
I believe it's a person called Ibbotson.
Excuse me. We must catch the horse!
LOUD LAUGHTER
You were better with it down!
LOUD SMASH
No camera?
Does tha mean I went through all that for no camera?
And you did it very well.
I think it's time we did, don't you?
He's still in one piece. Oh, I am relieved!
Hey-up! She must really like music!
Tha's got better stockings on. I don't go out looking scruffy.
They're not wrinkled! It's just the stockings!
Her legs are not wrinkled!
What do you mean, "Happy birthday," Barry?
For a small extra charge, I can have your name put on it.
He's kissing Nora Batty.
It's the uniform. I should've had the uniform.
Then YOU'D have been kissing Nora Batty.
Good grief! That was a narrow shave.
Let's go.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd