Oh, blast!
It's been my experience that most problems are solvable with planning.
Most problems are solvable if tha don't open the door when they come knocking.
That's only delaying the inevitable.
Listen! In the hands of a master tha can do a lot by delaying.
That's true. Look at the motorway cone industry.
I nearly invented those. I was about to go public when some blighter nipped in first.
Cobblers.
My security must have been lax.
My cones were decorative as well as practical - they incorporated the features of a garden gnome.
Speaking of gnomes - Howard doesn't look well.
I bet it's his love life. Why should it be his love life?
Well, it's usually his love life.
While most people are going senile, Howard's going adolescent.
Why must it be his love life? Some people do have love lives.
They're not all corporal virgins.
Oh, I've been touched by the bloom of romance in my time.
It's just that I had to give it up for unarmed combat.
You should have waited, Foggy.
These days it's indistinguishable from unarmed combat.
Always has been for some of us. By this time, I should be a black belt in Nora Batty.
The barracks at Catterick have very strong romantic associations for me.
An army barracks?
Very romantic! Gets you right here.
I can still remember those moonlit nights behind Hut 3.
They made you sleep outside? They wouldn't let you in the huts?
It's where we used to meet.
We? A female?!
Tha sure it was a woman?! It wasn't a Bren gun or something.
She was a lance corporal in the ATS.
Gillian.
Beauty in boots.
Well? What happened behind Hut 3?
They used to practise drilling each other.
We just did that on hard surfaces, and only before big parades.
Otherwise it was pure Nelson Eddy and Jeanette MacDonald.
Guess who was Jeanette.
Only on hard surfaces.
Of course it was too good to last.
I was posted overseas before we could cement our relationship.
Cement? Tha's never been closer than Polyfilla.
What's wrong with him? He's remembering Gillian.
He had a Gillian?
She was a soldier too.
They practised drill together.
And then one unforgettable moonlit night... Behind Hut 3...
..they exchanged cap badges. That figures.
Did tha never find Gillian after the war? I was too late.
I was a ruthless killer by then.
You should have tried. Your dreams may have come true.
Maybe SHE was a ruthless killer.
She could be. Nora Batty is. CAR BEEPS
Well, say something, Howard!
If it's only goodbye.
I can't bear it.
We can't leave a human being in that state. We have to help the man.
You want my advice - leave things alone.
That is a terrible attitude. It's called experience.
It'll not hurt to help the bloke.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Just remember - Cleggy tried to warn you.
You're wasting your time.
I've no appetite for reckless living.
We're just buying thee a drink. Nobody said owt about a bar meal!
Well, why are you looking at me? This was your idea.
"Let's help him," you said. I didn't mean we had to adopt him.
You see what happens if you start these things.
Oh, the purse, the purse!
I bet he wants a whisky.
He looks like somebody who wants a large whisky.
Now look, there's no need to go wild. What are you drinking?
Have they any camomile tea?
Chuff off, Howard! We didn't come in here for camomile tea!
No, I think if the man wants camomile tea...
Don't be such a cheapskate! Go up there and get four pints.
We're making progress. Now there's two of them in a gloomy mood.
TANNOY: 'Stand where you are and don't move.
'The premises will self-destruct if any articles are removed.'
It's only me!
They all say that!
Have you any idea how many "only me's" there are about?
Oh, it's you.
I just told you.
A lady has to be careful. I've never been the same since I was mugged.
What happened? I broke his arm, that's what!
Well? What do you want?
You said you wanted to see me.
Oh yes! I've got a little job for you.
How little? Don't worry. It's within your capability.
I'm not good at selling. Not good? You're terrible!
It's not selling. I've got a bit of equipment I want testing.
I had to take it in part exchange.
I can't ride that!
Why are you lying to an old lady?
You ride a bike. How much different can it be?
We know why he's depressed.
He's just had to pay for four pints. Why is tha depressed?
It's just life, isn't it?
I feel so...inadequate.
Howard, maybe you ARE inadequate.
You can tell us, Howard.
I still have my army manuals of first aid.
It'll be just like talking to your doctor.
Come on now, what is the trouble, really?
I never should have watched that film.
It was Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Then, when I went to bed, I caught sight of meself in the mirror.
Hello, I thought, that's not Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Well, I'd say you'd got that right, Howard.
Now, you don't open her up too fast.
Just a nice steady run and see how she handles.
How many gears has she got?
I don't know. That's for you to have the fun of finding out.
I don't know about fun. It's ages since I've been on one of these.
It's taking you ages to get on this one.
Oh, couldn't you get somebody younger to test it?
No, I want somebody sober and reliable.
And where are you going to find any of them round here?
That's why I'm stuck with you. Well, get on it, then.
How do you start it?
How much more help do you want? I've given you helmet and leathers,
at a very reasonable rental.
Rental? Oh, shut your visor.
You know what we've got to do?
We've got to stop him thinking he's small and weedy.
That's not going to be easy when actually he IS small and weedy.
And a real natural for small and weedy.
There's not much I can do about small, but there is something I can do about weedy.
I've trained men to a fitness you wouldn't believe. Gillian!
I bet he's trained Gillian.
I didn't have to train Gillian. She was in superb condition.
But Howard's going to need building up before he reaches poor condition.
Leave it with me.
Dear Gillian.
She was one of the finest exponents of the throat kick it's been my privilege to meet.
Before you take it on a longer run, get the hang of it.
Just take it once round the block.
Just take it on the flat. You don't have to go over the sticks.
And don't go playing "Tango Red Leader, bandits at six o'clock".
I don't want you looking as if you've been through heavy flak.
Get your knees higher.
Come on. Much higher than that.
Get them up! Really high!
Not only small and weedy, but now he's small and weedy and out of breath.
Foggy's out of breath and all he's doing is talking!
'Ey up! It's press-up time.
That'll make him appreciate small and weedy.
He's worried about Marina.
Will Marina appreciate small and weedy?
He never used to worry.
That was before he saw Arnold Schwarzen-vinegar.
Heck of a thing to want for Christmas - a body like Arnold Schwarzen-vinegar!
It's Auntie Wainwright.
She's an old...an old...an old lady. She won't hurt you.
You must be joking!
You're just in time for the sale!
Any item can be secured for a small deposit.
Got no sense of sportsmanship. Where's your Christmas spirit?
How small a...a deposit?
I telled thee not to overdo it.
How can I have overdone it?
He was out of breath before we'd underdone it.
Fifty press-ups is way over the top.
He only got as far as five.
Well, that's pretty good for his condition.
Condition? God, you call this "condition"?
Does this exercise business really work?
Do I look any better yet?
You look terrific, Howard.
You're not just saying that.
Tha's never looked better, Howard.
Well, I did five press-ups.
I suppose it's bound to make a difference - five press-ups.
Well, what's next?
What's next? Are you ready for what's next?
I'm ready.
I'm READY!
What makes you think he's been kidnapped?
It couldn't take him this long to go round the block.
Are you sure you're not getting too alarmed?
Of course I'm alarmed.
He's lucky to have someone who thinks as much about him as you do.
Oh, I've always been like that.
Call me soft, but I couldn't bear to think of anything nasty happening to that expensive motorbike.
Well, yes, it could take him this long to go round the block!
I think his colour's coming back.
If that's his colour, I think he ought to stick to black and white.
He's all right.
His body's just getting used to the first exhilarating flush of healthy exercise.
I could see these funny spots before me eyes.
That was Arnold Street. We wheeled you through Arnold Street.
You'll get the spots again.
I have to force you through the pain barrier.
Oh, lucky you!
The pain barrier!
You'll be all right. You'll thank me for it afterwards.
You are in the hands of a master. I trained him.
Him?!
When he needed to be at the peak of fitness for Nora Batty.
Some people climb mountains. Some of us tackle Nora Batty,
something no-one would attempt without oxygen.
Is that the best you can do? Make me look like him?
Now that sounds to me like a challenge.
Now that sounds to me like you're going to be in trouble.
AARGH!
Ooh you... Ooh you...
Ohh! Eurgh! Eurgh.
POLICEMAN: No, madam, I can't accept a gift for doing my duty.
AUNTIE: You've been very kind. I want to show my appreciation.
POLICEMAN: It's against regulations, madam.
AUNTIE: Well, pay a token amount for it. That'd be legal.
POLICEMAN: I suppose so. How much would you suggest?
AUNTIE: Oh, well, let's say £17.50.
POLICEMAN: £17.50?!
TILL RINGS
Why did you buy it?
Look at those classic lines. I always wanted a quality vehicle.
I know, but, Father...
She's a gem! A bit of work, she'll come up like new.
Me mother'll kill you.
Not if YOU broke it to her.
Explain to her what a bargain I've got.
The prestige something like this can bring to the discerning owner.
She will. She'll kill you.
It'll come in handy, then, won't it?
Right, go on, then.
There you are, you see.
That shows the level of fitness that can be attained with my help.
What's the good of standing on your head?
You never know when it might come in handy.
You don't see Arnold Schwarzenegger standing on his head.
It's not just the standing on the head. It's being able to do it.
Fitness!
Not much of a view down here. Can I get up now?
Well, you can't be bored already. You stay where you are.
No, on second thoughts, we'll let Howard have a go.
He looks a bit red.
Tha's supposed to be red. If tha's not red, tha's dead.
I'd go for dead, Howard. It's easier.
I haven't done it since school.
Oh, would you believe it?
A bloke goes all these years without standing on his head!
Poetry in motion.
Just about the worst case of being a civilian I've ever seen.
I couldn't do it at school either.
What exercise were you good at?
Jumping. The high jump.
High jump? You look as if you were purpose-built for the low jump.
ROCK MUSIC BLARES OUT
ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES
Oh, they look smart in their uniform.
Smarter than he used to be before he joined.
He was a Wilkinson from Denby Street. A wild one. I never thought he'd settle down.
Oh, it's nice when they do. Otherwise you'd think daftness is a permanent feature of being a male.
We'll start with something fairly low.
We don't want to damage his confidence from the beginning.
I always find that's the best place to damage your confidence.
Look, here's a nice low bit. Well, off you go then, Howard.
Show us what you can do.
Jump the wall? The whole wall?
Couldn't I jump a bit of string or something?
But damn it! I've found you a low place. It's ideal for beginners.
It doesn't look all that low to me.
Good grief man, if it was any lower, it wouldn't be a wall, it would be a kerb.
Go for it, Howard. Start on kerbs.
I'll show thee how to do it. I don't need showing. I can do it.
I can do it. I was great at this at school.
That's better.
Right, off you go, that man. That's the spirit.
That's what made this country exceptionally rich in idiots.
Right, are you ready, that man? On my signal...
Off you go!
Now what?
I was on the wrong foot.
Good Lord! You've only got two!
You'd have some excuse if you were a centipede.
I think he might be better as a centipede. That's true.
Arnold Silly-beggars is too advanced.
Go down there and get a good run-up.
Right, are you ready?
Go!
CRASH!
Well done, that man! See what can be done with a little...
stupidity.
It's me leg!
What else were you good at at school, Howard?
Oh, go and get him!
I'll stop the first vehicle.
Do you think I'll ever recover at my age?
Extremely unlikely, Arnold.
Tell Pearl not to marry again and promise to miss me.
Oh, stop moaning! It's only tha leg. Come along, those men.
I've stopped a vehicle.
Has tha noticed how we get the heavy jobs?
Let's be thankful that he's not yet Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I'll never tackle anything dangerous again.
Does that include Marina?
I don't know who you mean.
Right, get him in the hearse.
Oh, God! Am I that bad?
I don't know where he is. He's out somewhere being depressed.
We've had a terrible night.
He stayed awake all night just to feel depressed.
..What about? Are you ready for this? Because he's not like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I told him, "Howard, you're not even like Mrs Schwarzenegger."
DOORBELL RINGS Oh, there's someone at the door. Bye.
Oh, it's you lot. You'd better come in.
Well, don't just stand there. What is it?
Tell her. Thee tell her.
Well, I'll tell her.
Now, there's no need to panic, Pearl.
It's my house, I'll decide when to panic. What is it?
It's Howard. Howard?
You remember Howard.
I know who he is. What's happened?
He's had a little accident.
He's outside in the hearse.
Hearse?!
You made a great job of that.
Where did you learn this velvet glove approach?
Merry Christmas, Howard!
We're going to have to do something about that man.
Tha's done it already. He's been in a pot for three weeks.
How come that's my fault? Of course it's tha fault!
I think that's unfair. Do you think it's my fault?
Only the one leg.
Merry Christmas, Howard!
You've got to get me out.
I'm going stir crazy.
We've got to do something for the man, to snap him out of it.
There goes his other leg.
We've got to help the man. He's very depressed.
He'll be even more depressed when he hears tha's thinking of helping him again.
He needs cheering up.
And I know just the man to help him do it.
Someone friendly, generous, neighbourly.
Watch out, Norm.
Someone who can invite Howard round for a Christmas drink.
I can do that! Even Howard can't break a leg doing that.
And when he gets here, we'll have a little surprise for him.
Like what? Like what do you think he wants most for Christmas?
Marina!
Exactly.
I'm not having Marina in here. Pearl will kill me.
Well, she won't know, will she? Not if we sneak Marina in.
You see what a little thinking can do - planning?
Do I hear applause?
LOUD MUNCHING
The first thing we have to do is make sure Marina's available.
I don't think tha's got much to worry about!
I don't like it. Why at my house? That's the beauty of the scheme.
Your house is the last place Pearl will suspect.
She'll never dream Marina's next door. I don't like it.
I'd rather we took Howard elsewhere, even at the risk of his other leg.
And an arm for that matter!
Now, we've got to make sure Marina's free this evening.
Go on, then. Tha's at tha best when things are free.
I've got enough to do being the brains behind all this! As the gob behind all this!
Go on. It's no use expecting Cleggy to do it. He's terrified of women.
It's nothing personal. Some people are frightened of spiders.
I'm frightened of females.
You got married, didn't you?
That's what did it.
All right, Foggy, do it yourself.
Wait here. We don't want to make a big scene out of this.
Let's keep it inconspicuous.
A-hem.
Oh, dear...
Startled by a...tall person.
I was wondering if you were free this evening.
I'm free!
Er...Clegg's place. We'll get Howard round.
There'll just be the four of us and you.
Four gentlemen and me?
It never rains but it pours!
Well, at least we've got news that should cheer him up a bit.
Will Marina really be good for a person with one leg? She were good for Foggy!
THEY MOUTH
Why don't you come here?
We have to whisper something confidential, Howard.
It's about you know who...
All tha needs, Howard, is a parrot looking over tha shoulder!
I've got a wife that does that.
What is it? Ah, cheer up, Howard. It's Christmas.
Don't remind me.
Ah, but all your presents aren't in yet.
Pearl always buys me a nice warm scarf, and that's it.
You know where you are with people when they start buying you nice warm scarves. It's like a message.
It's like they're telling you you're past all human enjoyment.
Watch my lips, Howard. We bring you gifts.
Clegg is inviting you round for drinks tonight.
Cleggy?
That's me. I live next door, remember?
Little Christmas drinks.
The warmth of friendship.
A few nuts, a bag of crisps and guess who beside thee in the wilderness.
Well, that sounds exciting, doesn't it? Me and Cleggy having Christmas drinks.
It's nearly as bad as a warm scarf.
Thank you, Howard.
No offence, Clegg.
Only I might as well stop at home and be miserable as come round and be miserable at your place.
What's up with him - got something in his eye?
It's not just Christmas drinks, Howard.
There'll be a guest.
And almost certainly a heap of trouble.
A special guest. Well, if it's Father Christmas, you can keep him.
What would you really like for Christmas, Howard?
Yes, tell him, Howard.
Lost your tongue, Howard?
Tell 'em what you'd really like for Christmas.
Well...it's always nice to get a nice warm scarf.
Oh, come on.
Mm. Well...
Ta. I'm not used to a woman in the house. It's been a long time since there was a woman in the house.
Me, too, but it's not for want of trying.
We've got Howard in here but how are we going to get Marina in? I mean, Pearl's going to see her.
Well, we're going to have to smuggle her in.
Well, it's not easy sneaking anything past Pearl.
Surely if we're quiet about it...?
You don't understand - Pearl has got radar.
Living with Howard all these years, she's fine tuned to every suspicious movement.
She's tricky, is Pearl.
It's just a tactical problem - there must be a way round it.
And, anyway, I'm not convinced that she's as sharp as you say.
You want to bet?
Now, we walk past Pearl's.
There you go, you see. She didn't hear us.
Oh, she heard us. But she knows who it is. She heard my door open.
But wait until you try sneaking back in, and THEN see who appears.
I don't believe even Pearl can keep an eye on everyone who passes.
Go on, tiptoe. Quiet as you like - try it.
Tha's the one who's supposed to be able to move like a shadow. Go on.
Listen, I could move through the jungle without disturbing a twig.
I told you.
I think tha twig's snapped, Foggy.
I haven't finished yet.
THEY CHUCKLE
Well, you can't pack up at the first little snag.
It makes sense to me. Give it up, Foggy. Oh, rubbish!
No, it's just a question of planning your way round things.
Now...let's look at the problem.
She sees everyone who passes the house.
Well, the answer's simple - we just let our someone pass the house quite openly.
You can't do that - I shall have to emigrate.
Not if we make sure that what she sees passing the house is not quite what she THINKS she sees.
You see?
What did you get him for Christmas?
A nice warm scarf.
When men get to a certain age, there's nothing better than a scarf.
Don't they get bored of scarves?
They deserve to be bored. Being in a permanent state of doziness is next to Godliness.
You have to give 'em a change, when they've had nice warm scarves for a few years.
I used to surprise my Wally with a pair of long woollen socks.
I expect it did surprise your Wally. Long woollen socks would come over his eyes.
He used to wear them rolled down!
My Barry wouldn't appreciate long woollen socks or a nice warm scarf.
They don't appreciate them. You know how they are. They'd rather have something useless to play with.
Mine would.
How's his leg?
It's coming on nicely. It's the rest of him that's the problem.
That's usually the case. The legs are no trouble, it's the rest of 'em.
I suppose he gets fed up of that thing on his leg.
We're both fed up.
It's like sleeping with Short John Silver.
Does he have it under the covers or outside the covers?
You mind your business.
I've no idea. You get out of the habit of noticing them in bed.
Don't you ever have a cuddle?
Drink your coffee!
We didn't go round having cuddles in our day.
The most you did was feel their forehead if they had a temperature.
Mine used to clutch me fiercely sometimes...
whenever Manchester United scored.
You wouldn't catch my Wesley tinkering with anything he couldn't pour oil in.
Mother!
And I remembered we'd seen you riding one.
You did. You saw me riding one.
And there she is.
'Ey up!
That's some piece of machinery, is that! Ho, ho, ho!
I'm having nothing to do with it if it belongs to Auntie Wainwright.
If we put a scratch on it, we'll be in debt for the rest of our lives.
It used to belong to Auntie Wainwright. Then she talked some fool into buying it. Who?
Me.
What does tha want with a motorbike?
That's what I said to Auntie Wainwright.
More to the point, what do WE want with a motorbike?
It will all become clear.
Still, I can quite see how he's bored being stuck in the house.
They're not built for being in a house. They get under your feet.
Mine's not built to be in a house. He takes 12 pages of newspaper to cross that kitchen floor.
Howard must feel like he's in prison. You don't like to think of anybody suffering.
Oh, I don't know, though.
Does he get many visitors? No. I make sure of that.
Well, that's what we ought to do, then.
We ought to drop in on him this evening and surprise him.
Cheer him up. Take him a glass of sherry.
Yes.
That'll be nice.
Why don't we do that? I shan't say anything to him.
We'll keep it as a surprise.
ALL: Right.
I don't know why you have to go out tonight.
Cleggy invited me in for a drink. A Christmas drink.
Well, don't be long. You could be having visitors.
Visitors? When do I get visitors.
Well, you never know. It could be a surprise.
ENGINE RUMBLES
How do, Howard.
What are you doing on a motorbike? Oh, just out for a spin.
Ah, Howard. Howard.
You made it, come on.
Have your drink and don't be long. You could be having visitors.
I never get visitors. You wanna bet?
What's he doing with a motorbike?
About ninety. By heck, she don't half take off. Neeeowwwh!
What he's doing is making it possible for us to bring you a surprise visitor.
I never get visitors.
I wish I could say the same.
Pearl has seen you in motorbike gear,
so next time anybody comes here in motorbike gear, she'll assume it's you.
I see.
Tha gets Marina into this motorbike gear, then sneaks her into Cleggy's.
We don't have to sneak her - we can just let her walk in.
I've made up me mind. I'm going to emigrate. Where's me cap?
Stop fussing. It'll all go wrong!
Just leave it with me.
That's how I know it'll all go wrong.
WOLF WHISTLE
I hate it when men whistle at you,
unless of course they're under so much pressure.
Tha can't walk like that. Tha's supposed to be me.
I get a reputation for walking like that, I'll be emigrating with Clegg.
Now, like this.
Like that.
Now, off tha goes. Go on.
What's he grinning at?
Because he's power mad.
Oh, look at the time.
I ought to be going.
It's been really unexciting.
You can't go now. Here's your Christmas surprise.
Oh, not another nice warm scarf.
No, it's here.
Him?
Get off!
How long's he been painting his nails?
Merry Christmas, Howard.
Is he enjoying it? Yeah, he's enjoying it.
There's only me not enjoying it.
COMPO GROANS
Aaaaaaagh!
THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE
DOORBELL RINGS
He's not here. He's gone next door.
To Norman Clegg's? Then, why don't we all go next door?
Yes! Why don't we all go next door!
Yes, let's do that. It'll be like a party. It'll be more of a surprise.
That's a good idea!
Go on.
Oh, Marina.
Oh, Howard.
This is better than a nice warm scarf.
DOORBELL RINGS
DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN
ALL: Merry Christmas.
Get upstairs, out of sight. Why?
Because you are supposed to be in motorbike gear.
Sorry. I...I must have slipped.
Come in, ladies. Come in. here he is.
Merry Christmas, Howard.
THEY ALL CHATTER AT ONCE
BUZZ OF GOSSIP
He looks quite well.
A bit pale.
We brought a nice warm scarf.
Oh, thanks. And some socks.
And some buns.
Why's he sitting over there?
Um...
because we're sulking, aren't we, eh?
Because it's Christmas.
Oh, give him a bun. Oh, right.
There you are.
Oh, go on.
That's the first time I've seen him refuse a bun. He's never refused a bun.
Look, we're sending Marina upstairs.
Now, when she gets here, you swop clothes. I'm not wearing a dress.
Not a dress, you fool. The motorbike outfit.
When you've got it on, come down. They'll think I've shrunk. She's taller than me.
I knew it'd all go wrong.
Well, you'll just have to walk tall.
Save us a bun.
NORA: Come on, speak up!
Why are you sulking? What's up with you?
Have you lost your tongue? Ah, come along, Nora.
A drink, Nora? Or even a bun?
I've never seen him so quiet, and I've known him a long, long time.
Come along, Nora. What about a nice sweet sherry?
Will you put me down?! Stop walking me around.
AAAAGGH!
What was that? I don't know but I hope it happens again.
You're quite wicked for a short person.
And forceful with it. Ha-ha!
Ohh. Ohhh.
Merry Christmas, Howard(!)
We'll get you home and into bed.
I don't need to go to bed. You're safer in bed. I speak from experience.
But, wait, wait. What is it?
I want to say goodbye to him in the motorcycle gear.
Whatever for?
Just call it the whim of an injured man.
Fetch him.
You get past being amazed.
Can you come downstairs a minute, say goodbye to Howard?
Look, I won't always be in this condition. I can do five press-ups.
Try and remember me when I was fit. I'll get fit again - just for you.
On the other hand, if I don't recover,
remember me kindly.
Get off, you daft butt.
Take me home!
What have you got your head in that thing for? Get it off.
Tha see, she can't stand it when she can't see me proper.
It's going to be a good Christmas after all!
Yes, it is a good Christmas.
Except it's time you men had a few women about to help you enjoy it.
We've got enough of what we need just here.
Cheer up - it's party time!
Subtitles by David Padmore and Michelle Brown BBC - 1995