CLATTER!
Ah!
I'll be with thee in a minute.
You should see him! A vision of splendour -
clean shirt, black tie. Sure you've got the right house?
Well, his knocker came off in me hand. Oh, well, you've got the right house!
Well done, that boy!
Ye gods - it's Cinderella!
Make a note. We have to get him back by midnight.
You don't like it? Nonsense! We're impressed.
Where'd you get it? Old Jonesie's daughter. Madge gave it to you? Aye.
I telled her I were coming to t'funeral. She went white, and fetched me Jonesie's best suit.
They were going to bury him in it.
And now, they've buried YOU in it.
Tha don't like it! Think it's going too far?
It's the biggest local improvement since they cleaned the Town Hall.
I'm sorry, I can't get used to it. I felt the same way about decimalisation.
It looks tremendous! Oh, I'm VERY proud of you.
I thought it was going to be one of those funerals!
I was dreading the bit about "dust to dust, ashes to ashes."
Well, tell me...dost tha think THIS is going too far?
Definitely. Not at all!
We like it, we like it!
You're sure it's not going too far?
It looked better on old Jonesie, and HE'S dead!
No, no, keep it on. It's very proper. Shows respect.
Good grief! I thought it was old Jonesie's ghost.
Hey up, Nora lass.
Gave me quite a turn. I'd like to, but tha turns me down.
I hope we won't have no bother today. I live in 'ope, love.
Tha's looking pretty tasty, Nora, except for them stockings. Arrgh!
Them wrinkled stockings! Eurrgh! Keep your eyes off me legs. Always on about me legs!
I know it's a funeral, but tha don't have to wear EVERYTHING at half mast!
Look!
Take him away! He may be dressed up, but he's no better. No frolicking on this solemn occasion.
Old Jonesie used to frolic. Nobody done more frolicking! AND in this very suit!
Try and keep it under control.
I wonder where old Jonesie got it. Second hand, possibly, from Lloyd George.
There could be a great leg under there, if tha could only find it!
You cheeky monkey! Don't be personal.
Stop mangling that collar! Why do people wear daft things at funerals?
And at weddings. Like promises.
It's tight! That's traditional at funerals.
You look like you've fallen off the back of a group!
People at MY funeral can have open necks.
It'll be sooner than you think if you don't leave that alone!
Why do people feel choked just because they're burying somebody?
It's not a burial, it's a cremation. You know what a cremation is?
It's similar to what you did to the toast this morning.
I KNOW what a cremation is.
You'd think, when it's warm, people could have their collars up.
CRASH
I think I'd like to be cremated. Now he tells us, when he KNOWS nobody's got a match!
Can't get over 'im in that bowler. It's gonna be one of them weird days, I can tell.
Madge said he hardly ever wore it. You can see why, can't you? It's very smart.
It's the archetypal English head-dress. He looks demented.
Well...ye-es, he looks demented, but SMART and demented.
I mean, it just doesn't look like HIM. You regard that as a disadvantage, do you?
I'll take it off. No, no!
You won't take it off. You've done very well this morning. Let's keep it up.
Now, repeat after me: "He looks very smart in his bowler."
BOTH: He looks very smart in his bowler. Actually, he looks a prat...
OW-W!
It got to Nora Batty. SHE liked it, you can tell. Fair enough.
Where are you going?
I won't be a minute.
Come along, man, we haven't time.
In a minute!
Bowler or not, he's still a bit wild. They used to say that about Lloyd George.
What's he DOING?
What does he think he is? The Jolly Green Midget?!
Maybe he's looking for a flower for his buttonhole. It's not a wedding!
What are you doing? I'm looking for Taffy.
He lives under a shed? He's Welsh.
I expect he's searching for the perfect acoustics.
Taffy's me Welsh ferret. He went off last night. He comes down 'ere sometimes.
Come on, Taff! Come on out! 'Ere - Taffy!
# There'll be a welcome in the hillside... # We haven't got time. Find him later.
Little Welsh prat! I'll kill 'im when 'e gets 'ome! Another thing they said about Lloyd George!
Aeeow-w! Come along.
I hate losing a ferret. Especially a musical ferret. What's tha talkin' about?
You said 'e was Welsh.
Only 'cos I bought him from this Welsh bloke. I'm sorry about that.
I was intrigued by the idea of this musical ferret.
Norman Clegg. Yes? Tha's a barm-pot!
I'll second that.
All right, I shall sulk, then.
Hey, I've seen 'im!
There 'e is!
Got 'im! Did you see that? 'E were going to run away again.
Who's a naughty little Welsh rarebit, then, eh?
We haven't time for collecting ferrets.
I'm not letting 'im go. You haven't time to take him home.
I'll take 'im with us. NOT to a funeral!
On behalf of the barm-pots, you COULD, if it was a musical ferret.
He'll be all right now he's had 'is little 'oliday.
'E's smashed out of 'is mind. All 'e wants is a little ziz.
Where'll you keep him? No problem!
Right! You can take him as far as the house, but once you get there,
you'll put it in a dustbin until we get back from the funeral. I'm not putting MY ferret in a bin!
You'll have to find SOME place to put it.
It's NOT going to the funeral! 'E's all excited!
What does life feel like with a ferret on your head? More secure than having it down your trousers!
I hate these formal occasions!
Oh...good grief! Oh! It's only you!
Only me?! That's charming, that is. I'm your HUSBAND, woman!
But you see, when a stranger walks into my kitchen,
me heart leaps through me hat. What stranger?
You - in a suit. Very funny(!) It's like some dreadful omen when you're in a suit.
You'd look more at home perched on some telegraph wires. In me own 'ome, I'm a stranger!
I'm programmed to recognise you in greasy overalls. I'm more comfy in me overalls.
I suppose you'll want burying in them. Not till I'm dead.
Are you nearly ready, Mam? It's time. We're ready. Where's Barry? Just behind me.
'E WAS just behind me.
Barry! 'E's coming. What's 'e doing? Practising his funeral pace?
Hello. I thought you were just behind me. I WAS just behind you.
How d'you do it, Barry? How d'you nearly get lost between the gate and the door? I got to thinking.
One of these days, people will be coming to MY funeral.
You haven't finished papering the kitchen yet!
Are we all ready? As ready as we'll ever be. Did I turn that oven off? You turned the oven off!
Did you close that upstairs window? I closed the upstairs window! Sure?
Oh, Mother! Look, somebody go upstairs and check that window. Barry, check the window.
You know what I'd like before I die?
I'd like to stroke a penguin.
I bet that'd be really great - a penguin.
Have we left that telly plugged in? You should never leave a telly plugged in.
If I don't do it, nobody does. We'd have three fires a week if I left it all to him!
Did I turn that kettle off? You turned the kettle off. I'll just check.
'Ow the devil is 'e going to keep a penguin?!
They're always sad occasions for somebody. But he WAS 93, and never very pleasant.
He was so damn argumentative.
Courage! Sheer, naked courage!
She's been a brick with him, his daughter. It's for HER people are going, really. Aye.
Barry... Where's Barry?
Barry! You SAID to go and lock the upstairs window!
How do, Harry! Lend us a quid, eh?
Hello, Harry, how nice to see you!
(Find somewhere to put it!) I can't switch it over here! Keep it still till you can.
What'll I do, Norm? Tell them it's a self-raising hat.
It's good of you all to come. Would anybody like to look at him
before we close the lid? Thank you, Madge, we'd like to VERY much.
Come on then, love.
You wanted a place to change your ferret, didn't you?
Take yer 'at off. Tha'd be sorry! Oh!
WHISTLING THROUGH HIS TEETH Do you mind? Thanks very much.
Take your hat off! There's not room to take yer 'at off in here.
Hello, 'Oward. Oh, it's you, Compo! I can't see too well in this tight collar.
Stop complaining, Howard!
Take yer 'at off! I'll see you later. Bring the groundsheet.
You were in the war. You must have travelled around a bit.
Did you ever get near any penguins?
In Aldershot?!
Hello, love, hello.
I saw his hat move! Did you see his hat move?
It'll move if I get near 'im!
That's another one who looks foreign in a suit. Don't go on!
I hate funerals! Everybody hates funerals.
But I hate funerals because often, when you get 'ome, you find you've 'ad a good time!
You 'ave a good look at him. He looks better than he's been for years. I'll leave you with 'im.
Listen, I'm not looking at him. There's NO way I'll look at him. I didn't enjoy it when he was alive.
'E won't hurt thee. YOU look at 'im. No need. Just get rid of that ferret.
Find somewhere where it can't do any damage.
She were exaggerating. 'E don't look well.
He's well enough for where HE'S going.
The radiogram! We can pop him in the radiogram. Aye! Nobody will play records today.
Got it! Hee-hee!
What have you done with it? I put it under 'ere.
Where is he now? He must have slipped away.
Oh, my God!
What's his name, again? Taffy? Taff! Taff! He must be somewhere. 'E's not round 'ere.
'E's not round 'ere, either. Oh...! What? Eh?
Have you been near the...?
W...e... Just a glance. Oh, my God!
Taffy! Taff! TAFFY! Hurry up! Be quick about it. I'm trying.
I'm still not looking. I'll kill 'im if he's in 'ere!
We've got to tell somebody. I agree. We've GOT to tell somebody. I'm not losing Taffy!
Well, go on, tell somebody! We'll all do it. We're in this together. Not me! It's YOUR ferret.
That's nice (!) Don't look at ME. Oh, another one. On me own, am I?
Did you see him? In the book-case. He must have slipped in there.
Big reader, is he?
Compulsive. My influence, mainly.
Every time I look at 'im, I see me dad in that suit. Was 'e very close to me dad?
Er, nearly closer than you'd think.
Come on.
(Where is it? In me pocket.) OH-H!
Will you stop wriggling?! He's trying to get out. If HE'S getting out, I'M getting out!
# All creatures great and small
# All things wise and wonderful
# The Lord God made them all
# Each little flower that opens
# Each little bird that sings
# He made their glowing colours
# He made their tiny wings... #
HE SINGS LOUDLY AND OUT OF TUNE
# ..All creatures great and small... #
OH-H !
# ..All things wise and wonderful... #
He's up me sleeve! (Don't let it get out.)
Old Jonesie would laugh if he was 'ere. He IS here!
CACKLING LAUGH
# ..God made them high or lowly
# And ordered their estate
# All things bright and beautiful
# All creatures great and small... #
What's up with 'im? Rheumatics, love, terrible rheumatics. AIEE-OW !
What's 'e laughing for? What's so funny about rheumatics?
'Ow do!
What're you doing with your jacket off? I always get warm at funerals.
Me, too! Leave your collar alone. I wish it'd leave ME alone.
I think it's shrinking. That's your head!
Where are they taking him? I don't think 'e's well. He seemed uncomfortable in church.
With ideas like 'e's got, you're bound to feel uncomfortable in church!
I didn't hear you singing. I WAS singing. Not as loud as you do in that old shed.
No, not as loud as I do in the shed. I sound like Elvis in that shed!
I sound like a twit in church. Yes.
Hello, Barry, Glenda. Hello, Mrs Batty. Have you got a mint? I think Barry's got wind.
(Don't tell everybody!) It's nothing to be ashamed about, having wind.
Why didn't you get the vicar to announce it(?)
Suck that slowly till it dissolves.
I know how it feels!
We're not going to the crematori-ori-um, then?
We've been to the church, paid our respects. Tha didn't pay much. I saw what tha put in that plate!
I had no change. That's no change! Anyway, we've paid our respects - ours...and Taffy's.
'E's a right little beggar, our Taffy. Aren't ya, sonny? A little beggar who's going home.
The thing I shall always remember about Jonesie's funeral was the vicar preaching.
There was this...respectful hush.
Just the vicar's voice and... silence in the pauses.
And he said, "Our dear departed, beloved husband...and father..."
And HE went, "OO-EEOW-W! EEGH! OO-EEGH! OW-W-W!
"EUGH-H! OO-NG-G-G! W-WOO-OO!"
We ought to drink to old Jonesie. Not till you've got rid of that thing. Don't bother about it.
I suppose if it's been to church, it could go to a boozer.
We can't NOT have a drink to old Jonesie. I still don't like it.
Come on, Taffy!
Come on, Taffy lad!
Come on, you Welsh nit!