Hey up, Nora - turn that broom down a bit! There's people trying to sleep up here!
It's time you were doing something useful.
I'm open to any interesting offers!
O-oh...get some clothes on. You look like a used tea-bag!
It's a rich brew, love! Why don't tha give it a twirl? Heh-heh!
Don't you CARE what he says at me?! Speak to him!
I was just going to. Get on with it!
How do, Compo? How do, Wal?
Have you read your Bible?
..Not this morning. I haven't finished me paper yet.
There are wars and rumours of wars.
..Not here. Are you sure you've got the right house? You, eh...probably want to be in Arnold Street!
WE believe the world is DOOMED!
Looks pretty quiet to me.
^ But then the Happy Time is coming.
Shall YOU be there? I-I can't promise.
Shall we go inside and pray with you? Now?! I haven't cleaned up yet!
Could we make it a short prayer? I really ought not to get started on anything long!
Good morning, ladies!
Very ingenious!
CLINKING
Norman, tha's got to pull thyself together and eat something!
There's tha bun. Tha's paid for it.
Now, I'm going to stop here until tha eats it. I don't want it.
Oh, well then...
What's up with HIM?
He's had a religious experience.
Ask a silly question...!
You know all that you've got to do? ..I think so.
That's comforting - a ring of confidence (!)
Oh, all right...
Let's go through it again. Do you want to ask me anything?
..Oh, there is one thing. Well, spit it out, Milburn. What's wrong with Mr Clegg?
Never you mind! Whatever it is, it's been coming on for years!
It's YOU I'm worried about. Will you be all right? ..I think so.
Good grief, Milburn! I'll be gone 5 minutes. I'm only going to the bank!
Don't worry, Ivy! WE'll watch him.
Huh! That does it! That's ALL we need (!)
Good morning, everybody! Full set now! I can't leave him with three!
I'll be all right now! Forget it!
I wouldn't leave that there. Some fool just left piles of boxes where they were bound to get crushed!
Forgot to fasten it properly, didn't you?
So there I was - captured by these teenage missionaries.
It can't have been all THAT bad. It was. It was BAD.
Halfway through breakfast there are 2 strangers kneeling on the carpet!
I had 'em at my place once. You have to admire the dedication!
You feel so helpless. They never come inside. No. I suppose there ARE limits.
I've never seen anybody kneeling in a house before...
Not without a dustpan. It's so unnatural.
I mean, why pick on ME? Am I on a list somewhere - "the ten most wanted sinners"?
Hardly. What have you done to warrant THAT?
I'm trying to think. If it had been HIM...!
It's not sins of the flesh. I scarcely ever got past sins of the SKIN!
..eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen,
sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty,
twenty-one, twenty-two!
One shouldn't be nervous of religion! I wasn't until THEY barged in!
Had a good pray, did tha? Oh, shurrup! I'll send them to you next time!
Send 'em round! I'LL convert 'em!
To what? Ferreting isn't a major religion. It is in our family!
I thought your devotions went towards not paying the rent?
Oh, aye. That an' all.
The only consolation I've got is that one of them went away with a trouser-leg full of fluff!
It makes you think a bit. If he goes into another 10 houses today,
think how much pollen he could be spreading!
You were just lucky there. She was sizzling towards your middle peg!
That's ALL I need to make my day (!)
Call that a sizzler?! I thought you were waving your hanky!
In inter-school cricketing circles I was considered to have an elegant style!
Tha bowls like a Sugar Plum Fairy!
Is it any wonder I'm off my stride? I'm accustomed to rather more attractive surroundings.
H-h-has he bowled? Can I open me eyes yet? Mmm?
The click of willow on a summer's evening... Tea in the school pavilion...
Tha said it were falling down!
One end was all right. We had it propped.
What did tha use? The taller boys?!
I wouldn't slum like this if we could be overlooked!
A former headmaster has a position to upkeep!
Hey, Seymour!
Oh, my God! Did you have to call my name?!
Well played, Seymour (!)
DOORBELL
VICAR: Rosemary, answer that bell!
Yes, dear.
Get the door, Rosemary! I'm going, dear. Tell whoever it is that I'm busy!
Oh...I'm sorry,
but I've been asked... Good morning! Can I have a word with the Vicar?
I-I'm afraid he's very busy.
Of course! That is why he'll be DELIGHTED to see me! My card.
Oh, I see. You've brought us... How do, your Vicaress?
I've brought these people here for a purpose.
Did you get rid of whoever it was?
There's a man brought us some POOR people, dear.
A what? Speak up, woman!
If you tell him it's Utterthwaite - former headmaster.
Perhaps you'd wait here a moment? Certainly!
It's very good of you to bring us these poor people...but we don't normally have them delivered...
Usually we arrange to SEND them things...
I-I daren't take the responsibility.
What's she mean - "poor people"? Does that mean there's a bob or two in it for us?
I must speak to my husband. Utterthwaite. Ran my own school.
(Yes.)
ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY!!
Behave yourself! I'll take him outside.
Come here, you two! Get off!
Hey up, there's a fella here with wings! Look at that!
Hands off the religious artefacts! Stand still. Let ME do the talking.
I'm not praying with anybody. Clegg. Former lino-salesman.
I distinctly asked you to get rid of them!
It seems important. It always is, when people come to see their Vicar. HOW important?
It's not just a wedding or a funeral, is it?
I don't think so, dear. I think someone's brought us some POOR people.
What...? Who IS it out there?
Oh, God! Not him again! He's such a know-it-all!
What are you DOING up there?
# A pretty girl... is like a mel-ody...
# She came from Pon-te-fract... #
This is not a place of entertainment! You're telling me!
Well, I'm not praying with anybody.
I want you to accept that religion is an ordinary part of life.
I'll accept that. Let's go. I'm with you.
You've got a thing about religion!
The cure is familiarity, so we'll offer our services in any useful capacity.
I warn you that I'm...very low on useful. I'm not joining if there's an entrance fee.
Relax. You're already a member. Who put my name down?! I didn't!
You were christened, weren't you? Course I were christened! There!
I know I were christened, because my mam kept my christening robe.
There was a hell of a row, cos she was supposed to get it back to the pawnshop within 24 hours!
Let's not go into that! Oh, I wish you could make a better impression!
Whaddaya mean? You think I'm scruffy, don't you?
Norman...do YOU think I'm scruffy?
Do you want me to lie to you? Yes, please. You look great. Ta.
Couldn't you borrow something from a scarecrow?
Just a minute, Gloria! I thought we were going to see the Vicar,
not going straight in to see God!
That's not the kind of comment they appreciate here! Now, let me do the talking.
That Vicar needs firm handling. He's such a know-it-all!
He's a know-it-all. You handle it.
- Me? - You mustn't avoid responsibility.
You shout when I get things wrong.
Nonsense. It's true! Well, it doesn't hurt.
It's done in pursuit of the Christian ideal of excellence.
The search for perfection is meant to apply to oneself, not to one's wife!
Don't bandy theology with me!
I want help with one little job. It doesn't mean you've been promoted to Bishop!
- Is it a job I can DO? - You'd better...go and find out.
I'm far too busy.
I'm afraid the only area where volunteers are urgently required at the moment...
If I can find... There used to be a light here. I'm not good with electricity.
I get the same feeling about the Electricity Board!
Oh! Oh, how clever of you to find it!
It amazes me how workers know about things like that. Workers?!
Oh, I hope I didn't offend him! You've made his day!
She called me a worker! Don't worry. Politicians have got it wrong for years.
We urgently need help with the costumes for the Beatrix Potter evening.
I...don't suppose you're experienced at sewing?
Now, come along, my little chuckie!
Do I LOOK like the sort of person who's experienced with sewing? Oh!
I was thinking of something much more responsible: organising church seminars; trips to the Holy Land.
Charles wouldn't wish me to go so far.
Does he know I'm well qualified? He...knows of your reputation.
How very gratifying! Did you hear?
There IS our perpetual problem - everyone else has failed. Name it!
Tickets aren't going well. You COULD sell tickets!
It's not what I had in mind. You'll never get rid of that lot!
Oh, it's not as if I couldn't! Only it's such a waste of one's talents.
At least we didn't have to pray.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not against the odd prayer.
It's this "going public" that makes you shudder.
Religion is essentially private... like your medical records.
I've never seen mine. Me neither. That's what I call REALLY private!
All right. How many will you take? Of what? Tickets.
Oh, not me, kiddo! Oh, no! You volunteered for the job, so you sell 'em, Mr Efficiency!
I was speaking also on YOUR behalf! It's not what we had in mind...
I've still not got it in mind!
If we do well selling these, they'll realise how they're under-using me.
I'm no good at selling things.
You can't fight genetics. I was born a buyer.
I'm not buying a ticket for people that dance about dressed as mice!
They sing as well. Even if they squeak!
Some people can sell anything, but only to people like ME!
You're afraid of this assignment. I'll show you that with force of personality it CAN be done!
This could be interesting, Norm!
Crowd of men there, having a laugh. Always inclined to spend freely.
If there's trouble, be kind enough not to say you're with us.
Trouble?! SCOFFS, AND IS IMITATED BY COMPO
Could I interest you in tickets for "The Tales of Beatrix Potter"?
Plain daft! No thanks, mate.
INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION
Look, it's for a very worthwhile charity!
Was that a former headmaster just went past? I couldn't tell from this angle!
Look on the positive side. WHAT positive side?!
How many people at your time of life are still getting these new experiences?
Being thrown out of a common boozer! An experience I could have well done without!
I thought he handled it very well. Looked like he'd been doing it all his life! I beg your pardon!
Stop twitching. It's nowt. Everybody's been thrown out of a boozer!
Everybody has NOT been thrown out of a boozer! No?
Well, maybe in a few chintzy little areas down south... Can't be much of a life!
You never realise there are still people who live their whole lives
wi'out being thrown out of a boozer!
There's NO excuse for it in this day and age!
Countless people get thrown out of pubs by the landlord.
It's a normal part of the evolutionary cycle.
But we've got to hand it to Seymour for leaping straight into that exclusive body of men
who have actually been tossed out by the customers!
I suppose you think I'm a failure?
You do, don't you?
You think I'm a failure.
I thought tha did very well.
I remember the first time I were thrown out... Phworr... I made a RIGHT bog of it!
Well, you're better now.
Oh, aye... I'm better now!
About the tickets - you think I'm a failure. Tha were onto a loser there from the start.
I must be losing my grip.
Well...perhaps you ought to stop taking this...negative attitude towards failure, Seymour.
What other attitude is there? Well, there's a lot to be said for failure.
It's like an old friend - we've been living together quietly now for YEARS!
NOT my way. Well... give it a chance.
And if there's any way that we can help,
remember, Seymour - when it comes to failure,
you're in the hands of two of the finest natural players in the country!
Definitely. I'd challenge anybody to a failure, anywhere, anytime!
NOT the Utterthwaite code.
Relax, Seymour. Go with the flow.
We take the tickets back. Call it a day. End of responsibility.
Weight off tha mind! Sleep like a babby.
"STIFF UPPER LIP" PATRIOTIC MUSIC
I'll do it! By GOD, I'll DO it! I'll put an end to responsibility!
Enough of this eternal pressure to succeed! I've done all that!
It's not as if I haven't DONE all that!
We'll just leave the tickets on the table.
Tha's getting the hang of this irresponsible lark!
No need to explain to that know-it-all Vicar. Spoken like a real loser, Seymour!
It's such a RELIEF to throw off the burden of always being looked up to socially -
drift with the mindless throng. You know, for a while... I think I might enjoy it!
Hey up!
Dear oh dear! It makes you wonder if you're safe anywhere! It's the So-So-Sisters!
I thought all that could happen was my thread snapping!
Don't start anything on Church premises! If tha's superstitious, come outside!
Hey up, Norman! Having a great time! I wish you were here! Oh!
At least while they're here, they're not upsetting Milburn.
I've never seen Milburn upset. I can't imagine Milburn upset.
It's like finding that Gibraltar is a lemon meringue!
That'll do! Our Milburn isn't fast, but he's a good lad underneath.
He's too big to get underneath anything!
Keep away! You wouldn't be saying THAT if we were alone!
I shouldn't be saying anything! I'd be flattening you with something harder than this!
You must admit I bring colour to your cheeks!
Are you not going to stop him?! Is there no practising Anglican here to do his duty?!
Is THIS why I moved up from Chapel?!
Seymour usually handles discipline.
Sorry. My responsible days are over. I just go with the flow.
I was never a great interferer. I'm more your raging apathetic.
Why are you here? Just bringing unsold tickets back.
Back?! Who needs 'em BACK?! We need 'em SOLD!
The damn CAST will be bigger than the audience!!
You give up time to make costumes...
And nobody bothers to sell tickets! Nobody cares!
Relax. Go with the flow!
I don't know WHICH Flo you're going with, but she's not up to much if she stops you selling tickets!
We need people to sell tickets! We haven't done this for fun!
They haven't got the message, have they?
Huh! NICE attitude for a headmaster!
Th-this is no place to be preaching "hippy"!
But you said... Don't quote me.
But you talked me into throwing off all the shackles of responsibility.
SEYMOUR UTTERTHWAITE!! THAT is disgusting!
Don't worry, my little lovelies. I'LL sell the tickets!
Disgusting?! What do you mean? He's quite right!
He may not be well-educated, but at least his heart's in the right place!
We've 'ad our differences, but at least when the crunch comes...!
But you said... You both said... Just...go with the flow, Seymour.
I was made to look a right fool!
You must stop worrying about that, to be a success at failure!
I tried hard to be a failure, but that little creep put the boot in - shaming me in front of the ladies!
"I'll sell tha tickets for thee, love"!
How can HE sell tickets, if I couldn't?! Impact, he said. A more positive approach.
TA-RA!
I just hope there's no chuffing cats about!
Oh, I shall give SUCH a squeak! Sque-eak! Sque-eak!
(Oh, my God!)
Squeak, squeak! Squeak, squeak!
Get out! Go on, get out!
Subtitles by Diane Reid BBC - 1987