Morning, Howard. Is it, Cleggy? Is this it(?) A good morning(?)
What are the BAD ones like, then?
You've been reading glossy male magazines.
Exposing your soul to discontent.
There has to be more than this. Where's the glossiness in our lives?
There's a lot to be said at our age for a plain, matt finish.
"You're too young", they told me, when I wanted to elope with that showgirl.
You were only 16!
Well, I was on holiday.
She was 30 if she was a day!
At sixteen I LOVED thirty.
I was keen, idealistic.
Ready to devote me life to thirty-year-old showgirls.
She was horrible!
Even horrible 30-year-old showgirls.
She had big feet. She had fishnet tights!
Fishnet...? She had stockings with holes!
I could've mended them. I'm good with a needle. Pearl will tell you I'm good with a needle.
And Windowgleam.
I was going to be a playboy.
I was all set to waste me life at a frantic pace in Monte Carlo.
And look at me. On me way to me Advanced Housekeeping Badge!
How is Pearl? Determined to get me through me Advanced Housekeeping.
This is a 3-speed gear, ready to change at the slightest incline.
That's what marriage is all about.
You'd never have been happy with that showgirl.
You weren't ready for a woman who played the mouth organ like that.
The trouble with Howard is that his adolescence has gone on so long,
it's spilled over into his mid-life crisis.
Pearl's a steadying influence. That's true. Give her her due.
You take one look at Pearl and you think,
"By heck, that's a steadying influence!"
He made the wrong choice. I've seen it time and time again.
Marriage is not compatible with the adventurous life.
Round here it's often not compatible with the unadventurous life.
I soon realised that my commitment to a life of adventure would require me to remain single.
One must make these sacrifices.
A life of adventure!? Thee!?
The Way of the Warrior.
You started as office boy in that ladies' stocking factory!
But a very commando-type office boy(!)
Was he hell! He was a right tulip.
Yes, well, eh, it was a false step career-wise. I admit it.
But I hadn't then found my vocation.
I don't suppose Napoleon got it right straightaway.
Probably wasted his early years in some dead-end job.
Holding a ladder for somebody. I like it!
I had to kill time at the factory.
There wasn't a decent war available until 1939.
You should have started one! Napoleon did.
Ah...not immediately. He had to pass some exams first.
Now you get terrorists cheerfully killing people without a single O-level between them.
It's wonderful how far we've spread the benefits of education.
Hey up, Norm. He's off again.
I thought I saw something.
I can't see owt.
The difference being, Little Tatty Person,
that I have trained eyes.
He's got trained eyes!
Makes 'em do tricks! Sit up and beg!
Throw a stick. See if they fetch it.
You wouldn't scoff if your lives had depended on sniper's vision.
Sniper's vision!?
You were a corporal signwriter!
I applied for sniper.
It wasn't my fault. After Dunkirk there was a critical shortage of front-line signwriters.
We were the unsung heroes.
You should try writing words like "ablutions" and "latrines" under heavy fire.
I've seen men's curlicues and serifs go completely to pieces.
I hope you shut that gate. Of course I shut that gate.
I suppose you think that was funny.
Funny? Whatever gave you that idea?
It's a good job I have the balance of a paratrooper.
The balance of a paratrooper?
Looked like falling off a gate to me.
I thought I saw something. It's not for nothing I was called The Hawk.
The HAWK! Oh, The Hawk.
Brrrrrrrrr!
Hey! Mind my bike.
Come here, you beggar!
You see? It's Digby chasing his donkey.
If he gets angry with donkeys I wonder why he keeps one.
He's not chasing it because he's angry.
COME HERE! Looks pretty angry to me.
GET THE FINGER OUT, DIGBY!
YOU'RE LOSING IT!
Do you mind not yawping in my ear!
Spare us that bit at the back of your throat that goes yaketty, yaketty.
Norm, have I got a bit at the back of my throat
that goes yaketty, yaketty?
I can't see it from this end.
You're certainly not looking from the other. Amen to that!
He's missed it again.
The man has no idea. He moves with all the grace of a ruptured camel.
A trained man could creep up to it unobserved. That's all very well.
But the end what doesn't observe is the end what does the booting.
One must out-think these creatures.
Suppose you lose. Imagine the humiliation.
The man needs help.
Where are you going, that man!? I'm not chasing any donkeys!
Nora Batty, yes. But donkeys...
Well, here's to Digby. To Digby. Yes, here's to Digby.
He has my sympathy, does Digby,
but he can catch his own flaming donkey.
But he can't, and not to help him is not very good-neighbourly.
I've often thought about Love Thy Neighbour.
How many people would have to move house before they could do it with real enthusiasm?
I hate to see a chap fumbling with a donkey.
We should have helped him.
He doesn't help me catch my ferret!
How far do they go?
Listen, they get into places
where a bloke has to be careful before he starts asking for help!
A donkey's not likely to get there, is it?
Heaven forbid.
I'll fight anybody for a quid.
A quid!? That's too rich for us. Try the Home Counties.
Take yer business somewhere flash.
You must have a quid. Have YOU?
Well, no. But I'm not gonna lose, am I?
You're not going to lose?
Look at it! Six stone wringing wet and it's got all this rabbit.
Don't you believe in the power of advertising?
What's your name? I'm not telling.
You'll be claiming you're me! Living off MY reputation. I like him.
He's got this genuine quality that you find with real idiots.
Hey, hey, come here, come here. Now listen, what's your name?
It's Ormeroyd.
ORMEROYD!?
My Uncle Perce suffered with them for years.
Hey up, Digby. Did you catch it?
Catch it? Catch it!? I couldn't even reach the chuff by letter!
He looks thirsty! What does he do to get in that condition?
He catches donkeys.
Is there much call for that round here? He's slowing up now.
I'll fight anybody for a quid.
Right. Right, you're on.
Sit down, Digby. You're in no condition.
Remember - you never were.
You're not a fighter. What!?
Listen, you want to try chasing a stupid donkey all morning.
It'll turn thee into a fighter.
I'll kill him!
I'll kill any human being, animal, duck, pigeon...!
OUT!
He's a bit touchy, isn't he?
I'm sure I don't know what I said to cause such offence!
Tha's a dozy prat.
You seem to be hampered in life by a condition known as a big mouth.
I've been all right up to now.
Decent people are usually ashamed to be violent to anybody my size.
Digby's decent. But today he's beside himself.
That's nice(!)
A settlement could be negotiated.
Oh, no. I've got me pride, you know.
I mean, how's it going to look?
Famous pub-fighter flees from a man
who can't even catch a flaming donkey!
You're not a famous pub-fighter!
And I'm never going to be...
until I get stuck in.
The veneer's peeling off my dressing table.
Are you sure it's the veneer and not a layer of dust?
It's the veneer. Well, you're in trouble there.
There's always summat.
What I do when I have a technical problem
is sit down and have a nice boiled egg.
It's only one man's solution,
but I offer it up for what it's worth.
BANGING
TA-RRA!
How about that? He bust me lip.
What about me nose? He made me nose bleed.
I'm not claiming this lip bled, but I bet any money it'll swell.
Imagine! Me first bleeding nose!
Wait till I tell my missus I've been banged on the lip!
And by a famous pub-fighter.
And made his nose bleed! Right!
Here, have a drink.
I'll have a drink. Right, come on.
What will I do about my dressing table?
You could rub it down with one of his boiled eggs.
It's turning into a really good day for idiots.
Sometimes you can go for weeks and never find one.
Hark at them. Sounds as though they were at each other's throats
like a pair of raving butterflies!
They won't need my first-aid skills.
No, but they may have to borrow your make-up.
Digby, there still remains the problem of your donkey.
Stuff the flaming donkey!
You've got to catch it first.
Forget it. Let it stay out there.
All I wanted to do was take it down to me barn. Make it comfy.
Let the kids see a bit more of it.
It's uncatchable, the flaming thing.
Rubbish! Not for an organised team. Not for a well-drilled threesome
under the command of a shrewd military brain.
Sit down!
I'll buy you a drink.
Once we get this over its head, it's ours.
Oh, goody! Just what we always wanted -
a donkey on a string(!)
Yes, well, eh, right now, the plan.
Oh, the plan! There's a plan! Of course! There's always a plan.
Right. Well, stage one.
Instead of going at it bald-headed and scaring the terrified beast...
Terrified!? It doesn't even look nervous to me!
We shall employ the softly-softly technique.
"The softly-softly technique!" Mm...
At this stage, your leader will go into the field...alone.
I like it already.
I shall approach the beast slowly,
making friendly noises designed to win the confidence of the animal.
Uh-huh.
You two remain here and try not to make any sudden moves.
Don't tell us, tell him.
I suggest you two show yourselves as little as possible.
Get behind the wall.
Whoah!
He'd have been unbearable as Napoleon.
A real pain in the prat.
Getting behind walls is well within the parameters of my outdoor accomplishments.
Now remember -
no sudden movements.
What happened to "no sudden movements"?
LAUGHTER
Shut the gate! Shut the gate!
He looked like Daley Thompson!
More like the Daily Mail!
(Quietly! Quietly!)
Great plan, Foggy! Love stage one.
Now just remain motionless
while I try again to gain the confidence of the beast.
Here, boy. There's a good donkey.
He's not a flaming budgie!
Keep your voice down and don't interfere!
"Gain its confidence"(!) The only person I've confidence in is Digby,
who had the good sense to stay boozing at the pub
with that other twit, Ormeroyd.
I like Ormeroyd. I'm just surprised he's lived this long.
Steady, there.
Stand easy.
Sneaky old Napoleon!
Wahey!
OWW!
Is your Aunty Ivy in?
Black or white?
I don't want coffee! Take those damn things off!
Take them damn things off your ears!
Oh, right.
You're a big lad, Milburn,
but no-one will call you an intellectual giant.
I should hope not. I've never harmed anyone.
And I don't like being called Milburn.
It's your name!
I think Crusher's got a much nicer ring to it.
You want a ring.
Through your nose.
What are you doing there? I'm learning the business.
Not with them on. Bit of background music.
Is your Aunty Ivy in?
You don't think I'd be listening to music if me Aunty Ivy was in!?
She goes rhino if I listen to music.
When will she be in?
She'll be in when I'm not listening to music, won't she?
Put the bags there. Sit down. I'll get us a coffee.
I want TEA. OH!
One coffee, one tea.
They don't like shopping.
Mine's the same.
Where is yours, Pearl?
I wish I knew! That's what I'm trying to find out.
I left him cleaning windows. I turned me back and he's gone!
At least you can trust him with your windows.
I wouldn't trust him with mine.
He never gets in the corners. I can't understand it.
You look at the size of him and think he'd be ideal for getting in corners!
Was that one coffee and one tea?
I told you! ONE COFFEE, ONE TEA!
I was just checking.
I can trust mine with windows.
It's other women I've got to watch out for.
Oh, no, I've never had that problem.
I'm not surprised.
Has your Howard got a woman!?
I don't know if it's got beyond the planning stage.
If I knew where he was, I'd have a better idea.
He was talking to Norman Clegg.
I wondered if he might be somewhere with them three.
Oh, he's not that wild, your Howard, surely!
I mean, another woman's one thing, but that daft lot...!
Well, we're making some progress.
It's getting to know us.
Aye. The three chuffs it's having a right game with.
Nonsense! I'm getting the feel of the situation now. Me, too.
I can feel it here and here.
You're not losing heart already!?
I've been probing the situation. Assessing the enemy's strength.
I tell you - it's brighter than all three of us. Let's go home.
Sit down, that man!
Sit!
Now, pay attention and marvel.
"Who is this tactical wizard?", you'll soon be saying. No.
What we'll be saying is... Enough!
It seems to me we're going to a lot of trouble
for repeated views of a donkey's rear disappearing in the distance.
That was stage two. Stage three is all finesse.
There's no physical effort. We can do it all lying down.
We're going to work for the council!
We're going to move the beast towards the bushes,
where I will devise a cunning plan.
Well. Now then...
Where's the rope?
The rope? The rope?
You've not left it on your bike!?
You never said "bring the rope".
Do I have to think of everything?
Are the pains of leadership never-ending?
Sit down, you big Josephine!
What a relief it must be to relinquish high command.
To blend in with the other ranks.
To lose oneself amongst the rabble.
He is gonna work for the council.
I've not seen your Howard. I've not seen them dozy three today.
Your Howard will keep his sanity much longer with another woman
than he will with them three.
I don't want him sane, I want him monogamous.
I feel just the same. You've got to get your priorities right.
Hey...
Have you any proof that he's got another wom...
Go on!
Have you any proof that he's got another woman?
Not exactly proof.
Not legal proof, wife proof.
Oh, I've plenty of that.
He won't wear the same shirt for more than two days!
He spends hours in the bathroom!
Oh, dear! Ohh!
Singing!
Is he using your talcum powder?
I think so.
Oh, the swine!
They always want the biggest share of everything.
Especially of Original Sin.
I suppose God made 'em to go and people the planet.
I just wish He'd give 'em a hint when to stop.
GRUNTS OF EFFORT FROM COMPO AND CLEGG
Keep it quiet. Stop moaning.
The trained man ought to be able to go for miles like this.
TANGO MUSIC: "LA CUMPARSITA"
MUSIC CLOSER AT HAND
What a pair of fairies!
I think it's terrible. You come for a stroll in the country...
On your elbows.
Next thing you know, you're falling over couples doing uninhibited tangos.
She looks a bit rough.
He looks familiar!
It's Howard! And Marina!
Marina!
He's got back with Marina!
Not the one he once got us mixed up with?
Yes, that Marina. That Marina!
Let's find the donkey. It suddenly seems much more attractive. Stay.
DOWN!
MUSIC STOPS
I know you're in there!
Spying on folk engaged in innocent pastimes
which they can't do on their own!
What is it, luvvie?
If she calls me "luvvie", it's just a figure of speech.
Where's the harm in an extra-marital tango?
If Pearl sent you,
you can tell her I have nothing to be ashamed of.
Except perhaps me Reverse Twist with Chassis and Lift,
but I'm working on that.
A fine carry on,
when a lady becomes the object of suspicion
simply on account of her passion for moving rhythmically to music
with a partner of her choice.
If they're spying I'll wrap some knuckle round their lugs!
Norman Clegg that was! Who once dallied with my affections!
I never dallied!
I never even dillied!
Tell her I never dillied.
Where's he going?
To catch a donkey.
Damn! Are the buses on strike again?
Not a word to Pearl about this. I love Pearl. I respect Pearl.
But she can never keep her tempo.
You must be crackers taking up with her again!
It's simply a shared dedication to the ballroom dance.
If anybody asks, I've been with you lot all day.
Look at him. Consumed with guilt.
A terrible price to pay for a bit of fancy footwork.
Right. Right. Yahooo.
Forward!
It's not easy. I bet even Napoleon had trouble catching donkeys!
That's it, Foggy! Show him who's boss.