Get on your way!
Life is a challenge. Tooth and claw.
A man must seize it by the throat.
Personally, I've always welcomed the challenge.
Hey up! You didn't enjoy it at school when me and Clogger used to make you eat earwigs.
Earwigs!? It wasn't just earwigs. I went through the whole damn menu with monotonous regularity.
"What's today?" "Tuesday. Oh, it'll be earwigs."
I never liked school. It seemed a good idea, but they overdid it.
They weren't selective enough.
They let ANYBODY in. Trouble was, they KEPT you in.
I remember most of the teachers being stern and having moustaches.
Except perhaps a few of the men.
I liked games. Whoa-ho, I was GREAT at football.
HE was a clumsy prong with a ball.
I should think so, stuffed full of earwigs.
Being a small, plump person gives one a lifelong attitude towards physical games.
Style, it seemed, deteriorated once you got into close contact.
Nothing which was to happen later on my honeymoon did anything to modify that conviction.
RICKETY ENGINE NOISES
Hey up. Sounds like Wesley's tarting up another old banger.
When does he come out to breathe?
Oh, he'll be out in a minute, flapping his old cap.
How do, lads?
ENGINE SPLUTTERS
How's it going? She's coming on. Yesterday she sounded really rough.
ENGINE BANGS
Still a bit to do yet, mind.
Wesley always strikes me as a shade heavy-booted. Big hammer man. Lacks finesse.
He can mend owt, can Wesley! In a rough, home-spun, manner.
That's good enough for me.
Downright SHODDY is good enough for you.
Only the BEST downright shoddy. Thank you.
ENGINE CONTINUES SPLUTTERING
I don't suppose you lads
are interested in a little job?
We'll listen to any LEGAL proposition.
I need someone absolutely trustworthy and reliable.
Well, that lets me out for a start.
Ignore him. He CAN cope... under supervision.
I mean ONE HUNDRED PER CENT trustworthy and reliable.
Well, I used to be an Ovalteeny.
I mention this in passing.
I'm serious!
So were the Ovalteenies! Hitler was an Ovalteeny.
I never knew that! It was all hushed up, naturally.
They made him give his badge back.
Suggested he try the swastika instead.
They themselves had experimented, advertising-wise, with the swastika.
They decided against it as kids were liable to swallow it.
So they offered it to Hitler.
I bet he loved it.
No? No. He thought it looked like the flag of the Isle of Man.
Where he used to go on holiday!
You can see his dilemma. Was it open to the public?
He rose all those mighty legions only to have people saying "Who's this lot, then?"
"Oh, they're from the Isle of Man."
Can you imagine waking Stalin up to say "Hey up, comrade, I think we're being invaded
"by the Isle of Man."
So he was on the point of rejecting the swastika entirely. Well, you would, wouldn't you?
Mmm. Until the lady he was annexing at the time pointed out how dinky it would be made up as a brooch.
Eva Braun.
Eva (Either) brown or black. But black matched his diseased toe.
Little did they think as they swore their oath to the Fuehrer, that they were promising to die
for a small bloke with a dirty toe.
The mysteries of human behaviour!
Listen, lads, on second thoughts, perhaps I'll try somewhere else.
No, don't worry, Wesley. When the time comes for action I shall stop all this drivel.
We'll follow him anywhere.
On account he eats earwigs.
Come back later.
PROTESTS We're closed!
WHAT'S GOING ON !?
We've got six customers already.
MILBURN !
What are you DOING throwing customers out!?
I've got 6 already.
You can't throw the rest out!
But you said "Use your discretion when busy."
Milburn, go in the kitchen,
and hit yourself on the head with something hard.
I'd rather do that than serve more than six customers. More than six is very confusing.
No-one said anything about more than six customers!
Come in.
Four teas!
Oh, lovely (!)
' And who is this petal-soft party you've brought? '
Is he going to be a regular customer in that oily, smelly boiler suit?
I'll wait outside.
No! I shall treat you as if you were a recognisable human being. Just don't lean on the walls!
And they say old-fashioned courtesy is dead!
BOING ! CRASH !
OWWW !
He takes life a shade literally.
Does your wife allow you in the house in that condition?
WHAT condition!? COURSE she does!
You must have some strange power over women. Some of us do and some of us don't!
GET OFF !
Hey! That's 4 teas to pay for.
FOUR !? We ought to do this more often (!)
Hey!
Thank you.
I think she likes thee, Wesley. Don't let me near the walls (!) For God's sake keep me off them!
I like her.
I know she's bad-tempered and has a voice like a foghorn,
but at the end of the day you must admit...she's got a lovely bosom.
Drink your tea. Try not to sound like someone brutalising an orange.
Keep him off me walls!
So, what is your little problem? If we can help, you merely have to offer a little monetary inducement.
Who bought the teas?
Big spenders (!) Why do we always fall across the big spenders (?)
There MIGHT be a couple of quid in it.
Wow! That's really going to bring the pound under pressure.
On the understanding we have this absolute confidence business fully understood.
There's to be no gossip.
A blue movie!
# I'm going to STAR in a blue movie. #
Keep your voice down!
It's just one of his ill-considered witticisms. He's not starring in a blue movie.
I don't even think I'm up to a bit part.
Listen, Noddy! I won't be directed by someone who eats earwigs.
He really eats earwigs...?
Not in here!
That's all you need to become a legend in the catering trade.
Some fool talking about eating earwigs on your premises!
Well, are you satisfied, Little Motormouth?
Will you keep it shut NOW ? Life has its ups and downs.
One minute you're a star, the next you're out in the street!
No business like show business.
Well, it's been great, lads. Really great (!)
Where's that man going?
I'm going to look for some other lunatics...I mean volunteers.
Suppose they gossip?
Suppose they can't promise the same high degree of secrecy as my chaps?
You don't have to worry. None of US went to Cambridge.
As a Corporal Signwriter, I had the highest security clearance.
The things I had to do for war-time moral with never an unsteady hand!
You would blanche at some of the details I had to transpose into an acceptable italic.
The truth is I've just found... now you've got to understand this is in absolute confidence.
Understood. I'm taking a chance. I'm trusting you.
Get on with it! I AM getting on with it!
You're a natural for the European parliament!
All right. Here it is.
You're looking at a bloke who's just found...
He don't really eat earwigs? Tell me I'm not about to trust some muffin that eats earwigs.
Of course I don't eat earwigs!
He's giving them up. He doesn't eat earwigs.
Is that gospel? Cross me heart and hope to die.
I think you just crossed your pancreas. All right. Cross me pancreas and hope to die.
All right. Here we go. I must tell somebody.
Incredible as it's going to strike you, I've found...a Loxley Lozenge!
You've found WHAT ? I can hardly believe it myself.
That me - just a local lad with only an average education -
could find a Loxley Lozenge!
It appears he's found a loxley lozenge. Whssss!
A loxley lozenge...!
Imagine - a loxley lozenge.
ALL THREE: What's a loxley lozenge?
Keep your voices down! Don't shout the name about!
I haven't collected it yet.
If word gets out, some wide boy will be here flashing money about.
He'll be away with me ( Loxley Lozenge. )
How iniquitous can you get? To make away with somebody's...
MOUTHS
I have to go to loo.
I've been in a state of excitement since the discovery as you can i...imagine...
WHAT discovery? What can he have discovered that's so fascinating in the loo?
The mind boggles. Hey up, Norm.
He's off again! What's he doing? I don't know.
But it looks impressive.
Last bloke I saw with an expression like that was attached by the nose
to my ferret.
I knew they did it with glue, but I didn't know people sniffed ferrets.
That bloke doesn't any more.
I'll get it in a minute.
Looks like you've already got it!
You want to know what a loxley lozenge is, don't you?
Do you know what a ... is?
I read widely the kind of information found in pocket diaries.
It'll be filed away here somewhere under "Miscellaneous".
WHAT the HELL IS it, then?
Be quiet, Little Twit. I have to run it through the computer. He hasn't got a flaming clue!
AH ! It's a cough sweet!
Yes, I'm getting very strong signals now.
Oh, a STRONG cough sweet. Why the hell should Wesley get excited about a cough sweet!?
I...It's a very rare cough sweet.
Yes, yes, it's coming now. Yes.
It's a cough sweet with historical associations.
It's the English cough sweet through the ages.
They probably sucked them at Agincourt.
Later on, of course, they were a comfort to the Virgin Queen.
Ohhh! There's more coming through.
CROMWELL ! Cromwell denounced them as the Devil's Baubles.
But he rubbed his wart with one every night.
The cheeky monkey!
Sensation mad!
Of course, in Regency times, the young bucks used to keep theirs in beautifully enamelled boxes.
Or they'd leave a nasty stain on your elegant cream trousers.
I suppose that's why they fell into disuse. How sad. Yes.
People began popping other things into their mouths,
following some frivolous continental innovation. It was the end of Loxley's Lozenge.
It held its ground for a while among the industrial poor who were trying to stop smoking,
but it was a doomed lozenge.
Yesterday's lozenge.
And now, miraculously preserved against the ravages of time, Wesley has found one.
It must be covered in fluff.
But restored and re-polished. What an acquisition for some great museum!
Heartiest congratulations, Wesley.
Well, thanks! But I often go to the toilet.
You've put yourself in the right hands.
We'll help all we can with this splendid historical artefact.
Great!
At first I thought you didn't know what a Loxley Lozenge was.
Oh, we're not barbarians.
SLURP!
Tell us, Wesley. Where exactly did you find this rare cough sweet?
Cough sweet? Yes.
Cough sweet!? It's a vintage car, you big nit!
Called a lozenge? Because it had this beautiful, lozenge-shaped racing body. Cough sweet...!?
Well, of course I knew it was a vintage car.
I was trying to persuade that fool to pretend it was a cough sweet for security reasons.
A code name, for security. Operation Cough Drop.
There won't be many survivors of Operation Cough Drop.
Of course, you can't tell these motor fanatics anything in one easy lesson.
In fact, between ourselves, I'm coming to the conclusion that Wesley, charming though he is,
may well be what is known in intellectual circles as...
quite thick.
Right, we'll tow her home with this.
One of you lads can drive this.
Who's got a driving licence?
He has. Er, yes, but I only keep it for sentimental reasons.
WHAT sentimental reasons? To remind me that I'm still alive.
Well, actually, as a matter of fact he's...he's quite, em...
He's got a current driving licence.
He'll be all right. This old girl's not as bad as she looks.
Neither was Lavinia the Strangler!
Just her bodywork's a bit neglected.
So was Lavinia the Strangler's! That's why she strangled people.
You'll be fine. We'll be in there with you.
Correction. We'll be out here.
Get in. You can't hurt these beasts. They go forever, these beasts.
What's that mean? No brakes?
She's got brakes. She's a perfect lady, you can take her anywhere. You couldn't do that with Lavinia!
Shouldn't we stay outside until he gets the feel of it?
He'll be all right. Just until he gets the feel of it.
What's to feel!? 84 gear levers!
Just use the big 'un. It's like driving a car.
My God! Not as bad as that!
There's something he's not doing right. That was absolutely terrible!
Imagine how it feels at THIS end!
I think I'm going to be sick. Good idea.
Instead of fooling about driving why don't we go somewhere quiet and be sick?
Why has it got all these levers? It's an off-the-road vehicle. Oh...
It is now.
SCREECH OF BRAKES
All right. I can take a hint. I'LL drive the Land Rover, YOU can steer the Loxley.
You can't go far wrong on tow, just steering the Loxley.
I can't go far wrong on tow, just steering the Loxley.
Do you realise...how few people... are privileged to lay eyes... on a Loxley?
You've been robbed! Some chuff has nicked it and left thee THIS old heap.
Old heap...? Old heap!?
This is a Loxley Lozenge, mechanically complete!
Told you it'd be covered in fluff.
This is a vintage GEM !
Whatever happened to the beautiful, lozenge-shaped racing body?
Well, that's rotted, hasn't it? I can rebuild that.
The main thing is I've got all the mechanics original and complete.
Used to drive it standing up, did they? That IS original.
I can rebuild the seats.
How are we going to steer it home?
I'll rig up some temporary seating. There must be something round here.
It looks like a death trap to me!
Well, you're sharing it with me. I'm not steering THIS on me own!
Well, TALK to me.
SAY something.
ANYTHING.
About what?
About anything. I don't care.
Just talk to me. You never speak to me.
I spoke to you yesterday!
I asked you where me elastic bandage was.
That was Monday!
It doesn't matter where we go. You don't talk. You just sit there.
You used to like my company once.
Oh, aye, "once". But I've got it all week now.
Don't you ever think of me as a WOMAN ?
A PERSON ?
Am I always just a wife?
You've never been "just a wife".
You're about as much wife as anybody could handle.
There's nobody had more wife than I have.
You just sit there.
I wonder if you'd miss me if I left.
We could give it a try.
You're wicked! You do this "harmless old man who loves his pigeons" act,
but I know you're wicked.
I suppose it's part of me fatal charm.
Do you want a raspberry ruffle?
Oh, aye, I'll have a raspberry ruffle.
What can you do when you live with a non-speaker who lives for raspberry ruffles?
Take your glove off, you muffin!
Here.
Don't run into the back of me.
Just keep dabbing the brake.
The brake!? Which one's the brake?
Well, it's the, eh...it's, em...
Brake. The brake! The BRAKE !
YELLS OF PANIC AND TERROR
I TOLD you!
Just dab the brake!
There's just one damn thing to learn after another!
Put her in neutral.
Keep your hands at three o'clock and nine o'clock.
Not too fast!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd