How far is it to New Zealand?
Oh, right, talk to thyself.
''How far is it to New Zealand, Compo?'' ''l don't know, Compo.''
Compo doesn't know how far it is to New Zealand!
Didn't they tell you at school?
The only thing l remember 'em telling me at school
was never to do that again to Rosemary Hodgkins.
- So what happened? - l did it to Wendy Faircroft.
- What? - l put a centipede down her blouse.
And that's your idea of time well spent, is it?
There's not much to putting a centipede down a girl's blouse.
But seeing as how l was the only one who dare handle it,
l had the fun of getting it out.
You wouldn't think that from such small beginnings
would come this interest in New Zealand.
No, it's typical. l'll give him this much -
he's been consistently disgusting all his life.
lt were just a growing lad's curiosity about the wonders of life.
lnterested in centipedes, were you?
What a pleasant day.
l wonder how many people realise that in conditions as good as this
a well-trained sniper could pot 'em from almost a mile away.
l'm glad l'm not a centipede. Fancy having an accident
and discovering you've got a broken leg - pfft, leg, pfft, leg, pfft, leg, pfft.
The Oldfields are going to New Zealand... for Christmas.
You don't have to go as far as that for it.
lt creeps up on you wherever you are.
l'm gonna be prepared for it this time.
l hate people who leave things to the last minute.
That's what our Nellie was always telling her husband.
Didn't make any difference.
They still had all them children.
Oh, ho ho!
Aaghh!
Hey-hey!
- Whee, whoa, whee. - (Foggy) Oh, ho ho!
Ha ha! Oh.
Hee hee hee!
- What will you buy them this year? - Who?
Your Nellie's kids, for Christmas.
Hang on a moment.
We haven't gotten rid of summer yet.
Well, that's my point, isn't it? Think about it, little short scruffy person.
Why should we wait till everyone else is on the Christmas rush?
He's a great long prong, in't he?
How can a bloke think about Christmas this time of the year?
You won't believe this. Watch where you're treading
cos l think there have been some reindeer round here.
Planning ahead is the secret to good organisation.
Ahh ho. Ho ho, ho ho!
Happy Christmas, Foggy!
Compliments of the season, Foggy!
(groans)
Ohh, ooh, ooh!
What are we doing in here on a nice summer's day?
lt'll all become clear to you in a minute.
Now, just... sit down and wait patiently.
You've had enough practice in doctors' surgeries.
- Who has? - You have.
Oh, that were only when l were working.
Working? You? The fastest sick note in the West?
Ah, well... You see, l've got this back.
The worst case of terminal sick note in medical history.
l haven't had that many notes.
Only cos you got fit up initially with a season ticket.
- l had six specialists at my back. - So that's the explanation.
- For what? - For those six holes in your shirt.
Now, it's a while since l've used this.
My very words to Nora Batty the other day.
Really?
Aye, l was showing her me little whistle.
- Keep it quiet. - lt is quiet. lt's a silent whistle.
You've no idea how pleased l am about that.
lt's a poacher's whistle for calling ferrets in the dark.
Really? And what do you call ferrets in the dark?
- ''Come here, you bloody...'' - Enough of that.
Claptrap. lt's not a ferret whistle. Those whistles you can't hear are dog whistles.
- Mine is a ferret whistle. - What's the difference?
Have you ever tried getting a Labrador down a rabbit hole?
Would you mind drawing the curtains, please?
l hate drawing my curtains during the daytime.
Suppose the neighbours start sending flowers.
- What are you gonna show us, anyroad? - You'll see.
You're not gonna show us them holiday snaps again, are you?
l'm not going to show you those... What's the matter with my holiday snaps?
(coos)
Come away, sit down. Be your age. lt's not what it's for. Come on.
As a matter of fact, you've never seen these before.
Well, l'm showing you these with a very serious purpose.
l want to remind you of last Christmas and what a disaster it was. And why?
Because some idiot, who shall be nameless,
had this great idea about not shopping early for Christmas.
Somebody had a theory about waiting till the last minute on Christmas Eve
and snapping up all the bargains.
- What is that? - That is last year's Christmas tree.
- (Compo) Looks like a bit of old privet. - (Foggy) lt is a bit of old privet.
Who was it who had this idea?
About waiting till Christmas Eve to do our shopping?
(Compo) All right, l did.
(Foggy) ''All the fun of the yuletide rush'', you said.
- The ruddy sheikhs and the choppers. - The ruddy cheeks of the shoppers!
You know, like it was when we was kids.
All jostling happily together on Christmas Eve.
- Which last year, fell on a Sunday. - When all the shops were shut.
Boom, boom.
And this was our Christmas dinner.
(Clegg) Nery funny.
(Foggy) Oh, how we laughed. ''A fishfinger and a chip'', we laughed.
(Clegg) ''What are they doing in the workhouse?'' we said.
(Foggy) And l wished l was doing it with 'em.
Yeah, and a right merry Christmas it was.
Well, it's not gonna happen again this year.
As my old scoutmaster used to say, we are going to be prepared.
So on your feet, you men. Come on.
We'll do our Christmas shopping.
- Christmas shopping? - Christmas shopping?
- Come on. - Oh, no. Christmas shopping?
But it's only four o'clock.
- l don't like these places. - What's wrong with these places?
They make your life go too fast. Look at these.
''Congratulations on a Happy Event.'' Then a few birthdays. Wedding.
''Happy Anniversary'' and wallop, you're into ''Get Well Soon''. No.
Norm, you don't want to let cards make you nervous.
When you've had as many cards as l've had...
Fan mail now, is it? Ever since you became Miss Betting Shop, 1945.
Hey, happy condolences.
- Who sends cards to you? - The electric, gas board...
- They're cutting you off by postcard now? - l collect final warnings.
You must have a nice little corner in that market.
Years ago, and long before you perfected that N-sign,
all communications from the gas board of a threatening nature...
Ah!
Nyaaah. Nyaaah!
No, don't tell us. Let me guess.
Liberace.
Bog off. Liberace!
l'm doing a threatening nature. A big heavy from the gas board.
Nya ha ha.
- Oh! - Oh!
(both shouting indistinctly)
Oh.
Did you see that? Did you see the way she looked at me?
Our eyes were locked. Something electric passed between us.
They'll be cutting that off next. Behave yourself.
- What were you saying? - l've forgotten.
About communications from the gas board of a threatening nature.
Oh, that. Oh, yes, yes. Well, hm.
The letters used to be from an employee in an office under managerial level.
You know the type - always has a rubber, knows the price of his wife's hair lacquer.
There's always one at a party cornering you into spelling things like ''illegitimate''.
l-double-l-e-g-i-t-i-m-a-t-e.
Have you got a rubber?
Get on with it.
No, l was just reflecting upon the impact of modernisation on this individual here,
who now gets his threatening letters from a computer.
That's true. l do.
And ignores them just the same as he always did. lsn't progress wonderful?
That's just what people need on their greeting cards - sticky fingerprints.
Mavis, don't get stroppy. l knew tha mam.
She was a bit of a card, and she knew all about sticky fingerprints.
Sorry about the interruption. We'd like to see your Christmas cards.
Christmas cards? At this time of the year?
- Well, you see... - Mavis, pay no attention.
He's not been the same since the accident.
- l've not had an accident. - Don't press your luck.
Do you see the way his face shrivels up - you know, when he gets angry?
- Here, get well soon. - Oh!
Some days all you seem to get is comedians.
Get well cards, Christmas cards. Oh, get out.
- l'm being perfectly serious. - Get out!
Hey, Foggy, whilst you're at it, ask her if she's got a Nalentine card for Nora Batty.
Preferably one with curlers.
Out, the lot of you.
Come on.
Out.
The lot of you.
(Foggy) Good day. We'd like to see your Christmas selection.
(woman) l'll show you my boots, you dozy comedians!
Unpleasant sort of woman to be behind a counter.
She might be all right if you like hard centres.
Wouldn't like to see her loose with a toffee hammer.
You'd think they never heard of Christmas. l try to do Christmas shopping,
and it throws the entire local economy into a bad-tempered panic.
Christmas shopping, at this time of year?
Here we go again, look. Another local tradesman thrown into a right tizzy.
The trouble with them is they can't cope with a bit of forward planning.
- Do you know what date it is? - Yes, l know what date it is.
And you've been Christmas shopping?
l've heard of somebody's watch being fast but that's ridiculous.
- Typical civilian inefficiency. - What is?
Your attitude.
- Your tea's a bit like weasel pee. - Weasel pee?
- No, it... it's just how we like it. - l'll give you weasel pee.
lt wouldn't be so bad if you did, but you keep charging us for it.
- Have you unbunged that drain yet? - Yes.
You saw that?
Big woman, smartly dressed. l think it was your wife, Sidney.
l know it is. l just wish you'd draw your attention to the way she greeted me.
''Have you unbunged that drain yet?''
They don't write dialogue like that in your average romantic novel.
- God, what was wrong with your drain? - Now, Foggy...
You ought not to intrude between a man and his drains.
Hey, Sid, she's looking very tasty, is your lvy.
- You know, apart from Nora Batty... - Which is the only way to be.
- ..who will always come first... - Especially in a bus queue.
She has elbows especially adapted for bus queues.
..your lvy is the kind of well-built lass l'd be happy to run away with.
My lvy is the kind of well-built lass l'd be happy for you to run away with.
- He doesn't mean that. - l do.
No, it's a kind of wishful dream that people have.
l know.
Like wishing to serve your country in some dangerous, secret capacity.
Ahhh.
lt's not that funny. l don't think it's funny for a man to want to serve his country.
Oh, didn't they ask thee to join Ml5, then?
All that talent wasted.
- You'll just have to keep yourself ready. - l do.
Me too. For Nora Batty and Sid's lvy.
l dropped hints that l was available when me time was up in the army,
and l've watched for the postman every morning since but... nothing.
Hey, Norm. They don't recruit for Ml5 by post, do they?
No. Some little bloke slides up to you in a pub and starts whispering in your ear.
Oh, l've had that.
You'd be surprised some of the situations it's got me into.
lt's not the kind of activity where it's safe to ask to see a person's credentials.
lf they don't recruit from experienced people like me,
where do they recruit from?
Experienced? Thee?
You don't believe it, you try coming at me with a knife.
- God. - Come on. Come on.
Sit down! l haven't got a knife.
Well, use your teaspoon. Would it be all right if he used a teaspoon?
Sidney, get him a knife.
l've seen him eating. He's the last beggar that ought to have a knife.
l'm not having one of his blunt knives!
You don't really think that some fiendish foreign agent
is gonna come at thee with a table knife, does thee? No, no, no, no.
l'll just nip out into the kitchen and get a proper knife.
Some people take everything so damn literally, don't they?
Ooh, oh. l see the, er...
the old knee's, playing up a bit again, you know.
l hope it doesn't throw my timing out by that fraction. l wouldn't like to hurt him.
(knives sharpening)
You know, l think you ought to warn him not to tangle with me.
Do you think he's ready for a real knife?
(clattering in kitchen)
- See if you can disarm her from that tray. - l'll cure him!
l'll cure him of that urge he's got to sneak up on married women.
What did you do to Sid's lvy?
l'd rather not go into details.
l can understand that.
- No offence intended, Norm. - Oh, none taken.
But when you've spent a lifetime perfecting a technique
of impressing yourself on married women,
you don't want to give away all your secrets in a pub.
- No, that's good thinking. - You never know who may be listening.
Absolutely, and in the wrong hands, a technique like that could be devastating.
You never know where it might end.
lt usually ends with you getting clobbered with a tray.
Aye. But it's worth it.
Course, that's lvy. Nora usually comes at me with the yard brush.
lt's a powerful technique you've perfected there.
lt is, Norm. lt is!
Hey, look at that.
What's he doing with that big bloke at the bar?
Trying to get his breath back at the moment.
lt's not as if they knew each other.
Hey, maybe his dream's come true at last.
Maybe he's just been recruited for Ml5.
(Compo) 'Ey, it must be something serious if Foggy's got his purse out.
Look at that action, man. That's smooth.
l hope he finds a better place to keep his suicide pill.
lf it gets locked in there it would be quicker to die of athlete's foot.
Well, there we are, then. Ten pounds.
Just pulled off the Christmas bargain of the year.
Ten pounds for a bit of an old map?
lt's not for the map. lt's for what's there on the map.
lt's not Captain Morgan's buried treasure?
You've bought Captain Morgan's buried treasure.
Not from a stranger in a pub who's just drunk up and left with your ten quid.
'Ey-up, if it's buried treasure, l'm not doing any digging. l've got this bad back. Oh!
- No, it's nothing like that. - Oh, that's all right, then.
- What sort of a fool do you think l am? - Well...
Look, the Forestry Commission is having a Christmas sale.
- The Forestry Commission? - You've heard if it?
Yes, l've just never heard of it having a Christmas sale.
- That's where l've been so lucky. - You've been lucky.
You've never heard of it because it hasn't been announced yet.
By pure coincidence, l got into a conversation at the bar
with the one man in this area who knows about it.
That herbert who's just sneaked off with your ten quid?
Area forestry officer.
What? That big lump at the bar?
Why not?
That sweaty prawn in a T-shirt?
You think he'd wear woolly jumpers? They'd never untangle him from the trees.
You'd have been better off meeting Captain Morgan.
And he was a Welshman, so l don't say that lightly.
No, come on, Foggy. Tell us, really. l mean, what have you actually bought?
Christmas trees.
A hundred of 'em for ten pounds. How's that for a bargain?
Did you learn the name of this area forestry officer?
- Yeah, of course l did. - Well, go on, then.
- Eric. - Eric?
- Yeah. - Eric who?
Big Eric.
(Nora) l didn't hear you knocking.
l was tidying up the airing cupboard.
l'm not stopping.
- Sugar? - Oh, l didn't ought to, really.
Say when.
Thank you.
Cutting down again, are you?
l can't drink it without.
- l never use it, meself. - And it shows, love.
lf you took a spoonful occasionally, you might find it might relax you,
keep your hands off your airing cupboard.
He needs some new vests. They're only fit for dusters.
Yes, l will say that for them.
Troublesome as men are, their old vests make lovely dusters.
Aye.
''lf it won't shine with an old vest, it won't shine'', l always say.
Mind you, your Wally's so small,
l'm surprised you got enough vest to do more than one window.
l've always bought 'em for him extra long.
l should think medium looks like extra long on your Wally.
Small has its advantages.
At least you have no trouble getting into every corner.
Which brings me to why l wanted to see you.
Somebody else who has no trouble in getting in every corner - your neighbour.
Him down there with the clutching hands, small and obnoxious.
Ooh, him. You don't have to tell me about him.
- l've been dodging him for years. - Grabbed me in the kitchen this morning.
- Came up behind you? - Yeah.
Quick faint with his left arm, then whops it to you with his right.
- Yeah. That's right. - Ohh, l know his every move.
- l nearly dropped the chip pan. - You should have. Down his trousers!
The sooner it gets covered in batter, the safer it's going to be.
The safer for every one of us round here.
But you see, it isn't everyone, is it? lt's just you and me.
See, that's why l thought we ought to have a talk.
What are we going to do about him?
lt's getting so you need eyes in the back of your corsets.
How are we going to stop him?
Well, l normally use me yard brush.
Say he catches you when you haven't got your yard brush with you.
l don't go far without me yard brush.
No, but say he catches you without it.
Then l hope he's washed his hands.
And try not to think about his ferrets.
- But it's time that he was stopped. - Ooh, you don't have to convince me.
That cheeky devil's been places that would never occur to my Wally,
even if he was looking for one of his damn pigeons.
You know what we're doing wrong, don't you? We're too defensive.
We start leaping about and shrieking when he grabs us.
Well, that just encourages him. lt's time we started fighting back.
- Will you have a piece of cake? - l think l will, love.
While we decide how we're going to handle him.
With gloves, of course, being the first thing that springs to mind.
'Ey-up, that's a lot of Christmas trees.
They're not all mine. Only bought a hundred.
- lt reminds me of Rose-Marie. - What does?
All these trees. lf we hang about, we should see Nelson Eddy come riding out
in the uniform of the North West Mounted Police.
l saw that film. Nelson Eddy fell in love with this lndian bird.
lf you'd seen nothing for days but trees, you could fall in love with anything.
Well, are we gonna walk down and look at my trees or what?
l bet there were Mounties falling in love all over the place.
They were a fine body of men. Used to love their horses.
Fur-trappers, Eskimos... anything.
They always got their man.
Puts a whole new wealth of poignancy on that, doesn't it?
- Are you coming or not? - Not!
We'll stay here, Foggy, and wait for Nelson Eddy.
At the double, you men. Come on.
Looks like we volunteered again.
They all look alike. How's thee gonna know which are yours?
l have a map.
All we need now is a map which helps him find his way about his map.
l resent that slur on my military capabilities.
Good job tha's looking for Christmas trees
cos l reckon it's gonna take thee until Christmas to find 'em!
l know what l'm doing. A map is as good as a picture to the trained military eye.
Are we... No, we need to be over in that direction.
About... 500 yards.
These?
These are my trees. l have a signed receipt.
Oh, yes. These are my trees. Well, a hundred of 'em, anyway.
Beauties, aren't they?
l told you this was the time to go shopping for Christmas bargains.
Tha's gonna be kept busy stringing this lot with fairy lights.
The bloke he gave ten quid to in the pub thinks it is Christmas.
Tha's been done. He saw thee coming.
Rubbish. We've got a snip here.
We?
- By virtue of our shrewd investment. - Our shrewd investment?
Certainly. You don't think l'm so selfish as to keep a good thing like this to meself?
For a mere three pounds, 30... odd pence from each of you,
entitles you to full partnership in this... lucrative enterprise.
And we've only got to carry 33 and a bit each.
l'm not moving them from here.
l'm not surprised. You'd never get this lot into your purse.
lt's frightened you off, hasn't it?
You're so used to thinking small, your minds won't expand.
To take in the opportunities we've come across here.
They're not just trees.
Try to think of them as pencils.
Lollipop sticks. Toothpicks.
My God, we could corner the toothpick market!
Where are you going? Come back here! You are running out on a gold mine.
Ha.
You'll be sorry when l'm driving past in a Bentley.
All right, they're my trees. Now, listen...
My God, they're crawling with insects.
Get off. Get off. Get off!
Well, the least you could do is help me keep them pest-free.
Get off. Get off. Oh, my God.
What's up with him, then?
Christmas trees?
One hundred at 10p each.
He gave ten quid to a stranger in a boozer?
There was nothing strange about him.
He just happened to be there selling Christmas trees?
- Well, somebody has to. - ln midsummer?
He took advantage of his slack-season prices.
Thought the Forestry Commission were having a summer sale!
Oh, oh.
lf you keep your ear to the ground, you hear about things.
You keep your ear to the ground and somebody treads on your head.
They probably laughed at Paul Getty when he bought his first oil well.
''Look at that fool. Just parted with good money for a hole in the ground.''
Right here on the map, they were...
- lt was all here on the map. - A hundred Christmas trees?
- lt's there in black and white. - (Sid) A hundred Christmas trees?
ln the middle of the summer?
(pots clatter)
Ho! Ho! Ho!
l think he's right. lt must be Christmas.
(clattering)
- What are you doing behind my counter? - Oh, er, l-l... l like it behind your counter.
(cackling)
They caught me unawares.
And a merry Christmas to you! (shrieks)
- (Clegg) ls thee feeling better, Foggy? - (Foggy) Aw, shut up.
(Compo) 'Ey-up, he's still full of Christmas spirit.
(Clegg) You're not gonna jump, are you, Foggy?
Just because you've lost ten quid,
you're not gonna fling yourself recklessly into this six inches of water, are you?
(Foggy) No, l'm not.
(Clegg) Foggy, when a friend makes a suggestion,
the best you can do is listen to him.
(Compo) ? God rest ye, merry gentlemen
(Compo and Clegg) ? Let nothing you dismay...
(Foggy) l suppose you think that's funny.