I don't dislike the smell of crisp, warm linen.
I don't know whether to throw my money away on Neptune's Lad at 12-1
or play safe and throw it all away on the second favourite.
Ironing is one of the few housewifely skills I find I can take to.
Has thee ironed my tie, yet?
No, I'll do it next. Ta.
It worries me a bit that I've started to like ironing
because I'm terrified that it means that I'm tampering with me hormone balance
and I'm going to start coming out in long eyelashes.
Just give it a quick run-over.
It looks as though it has been run over.
There's a lot of wear in that tie.
It's amazing what wear there is in a tie.
Him from Stackpole Street hung himself with a tie.
So that's where you got it!
You might have undone the knot.
No. I bought that brand new down the market to go with a brown suit I had.
When have you ever had a suit that went with anything brand new?
I have not always been scruffy.
Well, you have mostly.
Oh, aye, mostly.
I used to put the glamour on sometimes for a bird, but it didn't get me anywhere.
Why? It took me 52 weeks to pay for the suit and the bird only stayed a fortnight.
She stayed a fortnight?
Aye. WHISTLING
Look at that dozy pillock. What's he supposed to be?
Looks like a taxi driver.
A taxi driver, with a whistle and a flag?!
A lion tamer.
For deaf lions.
A lollipop man!
That's what he is. BOTH: A lollipop man!
Get on your feet. Come on, it's train time. Train time?
Wake up that man. We're in time for the grand opening if you get your skates on.
What grand opening?
I nearly missed it. I had no idea it was happening until I ran into Arnold Watts.
You ran into Arnold Watts? I'm telling you. I told you he was a taxi driver.
I ran into him on foot.
You can't win with taxi drivers. They miss you with a vehicle, they get out and trample you to death.
Stopped to pass the time of day and he told me all about it.
So, will you kindly unplug your iron and let's be on our way.
Told you all about what?
About the grand opening.
I rushed back home for my railway memorabilia,
then I dashed straight round here.
Come on. We'll be late.
Where tha dragging us off to now?
To a piece of history.
Eh, you've not been going out with Mrs Alsop again?
I've never been out with Mrs Alsop.
I should think not.
Even Mr Alsop, God rest him, rarely went out with Mrs Alsop.
This is a piece of our heritage I'm taking you to.
The Steam Preservation's re-opening of the old railway line from Keighley to Oxenhope.
Here, with real engines, you lucky little man! Steam, do you hear me? Steam!
I can't. I haven't got a spout.
That's not our impression. Come on. I can't. He's ironing me tie!
He's finished your tie. Give him his tie.
Oh, no, that's smashing. Ta.
I think so, with all modesty.
Come on, that man. We're nearly there.
Nearly where? That's the trouble with the age of steam, Foggy.
People had to walk nearly everywhere.
Dear, oh, dear! You ask them to walk a couple of miles...
Eh up, streaky. We ain't all got legs like a giraffe.
Get a move on.
Just cos you can crop your food way up in the trees,
that don't mean to say we're all built like it.
He's got a point, Foggy.
I'm well aware he's got a point.
In those damn trousers, it's the biggest wonder we can't all see it.
What's wrong with me trousers?
They put railway engines in smarter sheds than those.
10 miles by your legs has got to be 15 by these.
We haven't done anywhere near 10 miles.
These legs are more your kilometre size. God, I've gone metric.
I defy anybody to tell me what's wrong with my trousers.
Hey!
WHISTLING
Listen.
What? I heard a whistle.
From his trousers?
No, not from his trousers. A railway-engine whistle.
I promised you a treat.
Oh, aye. It's been a real treat!
Come and look, have a look.
Oh, yeah.
Marvellous.
Well worth walking miles to see a bit of old railway line.
It's been restored. Oh, great.
A bit of old restored railway line.
Don't tell me this lunatic has brought us
all this way just to look at this!
You haven't seen anything yet.
My feelings exactly.
There's more to come.
More than this old railway line?
Steady, Foggy. You keep pouring on the excitement like this,
it's more than flesh and blood can stand.
I bring you to a piece of history and all you can do is show contempt.
I wouldn't say that's all we can do.
He can whistle through his trousers.
She's coming.
They must be testing her.
What a stroke of luck! Oh, fab!
Were going to see a buffer train!
Yes, you are. And you'll be grateful.
You are about to see a steam engine.
A steam engine!
Lovingly restored.
The official re-opening of the line and we can be part of it.
We can be among the passengers on this first historic journey.
As long as we don't have to walk.
This is a big occasion.
That's why I would have liked you to get dressed up a bit.
However, if you stick close to me, I think we'll be all right.
I'm wearing my LNER cap.
What's the matter with you? Can't you work up a bit of enthusiasm?
Can't you feel your spine tingling with pride?
I can feel the ache in my spine from all that walking.
Mine's in me knee. I can feel me knee stiff with pride.
Have you no regard for the poetry of steam?
You see, round that bend is a pretty little village
and the cutest railway station you've ever seen.
Don't tell me there's nothing stirs inside you at the thought of it.
Will there be a pub?
WHISTLING
Here she comes!
Oh, look at this!
What a stroke of luck to be on the bridge
at the time they're giving her a test run.
Oh, isn't she beautiful?
That's not diesel. No, look at that.
That's steam.
Here we are to see it!
A grandstand view!
THEY COUGH AND SPLUTTER
You stupid great...
WHISTLING DROWNS OUT VOICE
That's not diesel.
There'll be a pub in the village. We can get clean in the washroom.
Well, it's made a really nice start to the day.
Aye, and I hope I don't meet anybody I know.
Perhaps there'll be a tap in here?
A tap? Don't tell me this place is licensed?
I don't mean room a taproom, I mean tap water.
Oh, heck.
Right, come on, then.
Let's have a look.
Oh, yes.
A filthy old hut.
Clever old Foggy's found a filthy old hut.
It's not just a filthy old hut.
No, it's falling to pieces as well. Rubbish!
That's what it reminds me of, rubbish.
They were built to last, were these.
Get off! I have built better sheds than this for my ferrets.
This is a right bog-hole.
There is a tap. We can get cleaned up.
You don't really think that's going to work, do you?
The only thing round here that I'm convinced is never going to work is you.
Got some filthy old water.
And a filthy old butler's sink. What do you know about butling?
Our Ada used to wait at table.
Which is more than you've ever done.
Haven't seen anyone so quick off the mark to scoff as him.
There doesn't seem to be a towel.
Oh, I am sorry about that.
And I apologise also for the absence of bath salts and aftershave.
Aren't you going to wash?
Oh, no!
It's bad for my skin.
No, anyway, I have a feeling that washing today
is going to be a waste of time.
He won't be told.
That's what they said about my Uncle Arthur.
When? Before he left for South Africa to make his fortune.
What happened?
He got as far as Southampton and was knocked down by a tram.
Ended up marrying the driver's sister.
Why the driver's sister?
I suppose the driver was already married.
You know, Foggy not only goes filthy old train-spotting,
he also goes filthy old hut-spotting as well.
Look! Ahhh!
You know, for the genuine enthusiast,
there's something tremendously atmospheric about places like this.
Yeah, I thought I smelt something.
Smells like rat pee to me.
It's called nostalgia.
Is it? Oh well, something must have nipped in,
nostalgia-ed and nipped out again.
At least we hope it's nipped out again.
It's sad to see the place in this condition.
What are you talking about? Old railway sheds were always in this condition. Tat.
Listen to who's talking about being tat.
They were built in this condition. He could be right, Foggy.
Who builds places in this condition?
Your local authorities, mostly.
It's called "progress".
Used to take years to build a slum.
Nowadays, they're building them practically ready to wear.
You know, we could spend our weekends restoring all this.
Oh, I can't wait!
Sounds irresistible, doesn't it?
Oh, he really knows how to grab a fella's imagination.
I suppose you'd just let it fall down. Who's going to miss it?
What about future generations?
HE LAUGHS
I bet, in the past few years,
this old sofa's had a great deal to do with future generations!
By the feel of them springs,
I reckon there's been a few railway enthusiasts through here.
Come off that! Come off it!
Get off it! You can scoff if you like.
There's nothing I'd like better
than to come here for a few hours every week
and just lie on this sofa with a railway timetable and a flask of tea
and listen to the trains go by.
Oh, luxury.
WHISTLING
She's coming back!
Talk about atmosphere, We're in for a treat now!
No, I can't resist another look.
Come on.
Oh, luxury!
This is going to be one of those magical days
we shall long keep trying not to remember.
Foggy has spotted another old filthy train.
Come on, sunshine.
Back to the draining board. Oh, no. Not a wash!
Look at that little gem.
Look at what? I can't see anything for this railway engine!
I mean the railway engine!
Gee, I brought you out here because now is a good time for us
to look over this little marvel,
while everyone else is inside at the auction of railway miscellanea.
Oh, great(!)
Really sets the pulse racing, doesn't it? Looking at railway engines.
You'll not get near this little beauty
when all that mob comes pouring out.
Oh, Norm! Just imagine.
We'll not get near that little beauty
when the mob come pouring out.
Can you smell her?
Warm oil and steam.
Oh, if they could only bottle that, they'd make a fortune.
There'd be shoals of middle-aged men
dabbing it behind their ears before they went out on a Saturday...
Congratulations, Foggy, on a superb backward flip.
Come down, that man. What are you doing up there?
He's doing all right.
How did you that steam to come out?
Oh, it were easy. I just pulled this!
SILENCE
Oh, no. It couldn't have been that.
Maybe it was this. Hang on.
Will you let those levers alone before...
Where's he going?
Do something!
INAUDIBLE SPEECH
He'll get the hang of it. He'll bring it back.
He'll never get the hang of it.
He hasn't got the hang of paying for his television yet.
Well, that's the last we've seen of him in one piece.
Oh, my God. He owes me money.
I don't care about the money.
You do care about the money!
Yes, I do care about the money.
I mean, what kind of a world is it if nobody cares about money?
What the hell are you doing there? I jumped, you dozy dollop!
You didn't think I was going to stay on there?
Well, who's driving? Nobody.
My God, we've got a runaway train.
Don't just stand there. Come on. We've got to catch it!
Go on, then. Get back up there and stop it.
Eh up! Why me?
Listen to him. "Why me?" indeed!
Because you're the little herbert that started it on its way.
It's entirely your fault we're in this embarrassing situation.
Will somebody kindly get up there?
Or how long are you planning to take this engine for a walk?
I can't get on when it's moving!
It's because it's moving, you little fool,
that you've got to get up there!
We've got to get this engine back before anybody notices it's missing.
On the other hand,
we could always deny any knowledge of a railway engine.
Hey, that sounds reasonable!
Or, if we got a move on, and walked in front for a bit,
we could always say that it followed us.
Go on. Jump. We're right behind you.
I'm not jumping up there while it's moving!
Let's look at it logically.
What's the worst that can happen if you miss?
You fall back and we catch you.
There you are, you see! On the other hand, you fall under the engine and, er...
Yuck!
Only the good die young.
Does he look the kind of person
that's going to fall underneath a railway engine?
Go on. Jump up. Grab that handle.
You heard him. Supposing I fall under!
Who's going to notice the difference?
Ever since I've known you,
you've looked as though you've just fallen under a railway engine.
All right. Stand back, everybody. Stand back.
Good lad.
Now, when we're ready to go, I'll count to three.
You can do it! Get on with it, while I'm still cycled up for it!
Does he want us to carry his hat or his loose leg or anything?
Oh, shut up.
Here we go, then. One, two, three!
It's no good. I can't do it. COMPO SPLUTTERS
It's no good.
I couldn't reach.
You didn't try!
Do you think I've upset him?
Maybe it was something you said.
All right. He needs a little help.
Come on!
Oh!
It's where I'm going that I'm worried about!
Stop struggling! You're disturbing my concentration.
It's not doing my concentration much good, either.
I never thought I'd be doing this.
You hear about vandals throwing things at railway engines.
You wouldn't find a vandal throwing anything like this, though, would you?
It's no good, Foggy. It's too dangerous.
What's life without the spice of danger? Longer!
Come on. Bear up, that man. How far can you fall?
All the flaming way!
Here she comes.
One, two, three. What?
Three! Oh!
Who missed his train, then?
I've heard of running a railroad, but this is ridiculous!
BELL RINGS
I think it's slowing down.
I know how it feels!
You're going up a gradient.
Sweet rosy old gradient!
COMPO GRUNTS Come on, that's the way, get on.
Get on. Grab hold of that.
That's it. Go on. Get up.
Here, mind where you're putting your hands! Up you go!
COMPO GRUNTS
Got you.
Now, which one do we pull?
How about none?
That's a good idea. I think so. Especially as we've stopped.
What are you talking about? We've got get this thing back.
Couldn't we wrap it up and post it?
We could send it by rail.
Look, they're waiting for this back down the line. This is a big day.
Aye. And it's been a big day for me and all.
I've been dropped off a bridge, thrown at a railway engine...
Proper little Pearl White.
There are people waiting for this at the next station down the line.
The mayor is going to be there with a band.
The first thing to do is to get some more coal on the fire.
Right. Who's going to be stoker? Guess.
Well done, that man.
Right, well, stand by.
You know, before destiny called me to be a soldier,
I rather fancied myself as the controls of the Flying Scotsman.
Listen, Foggy, if you don't mind me saying so, I think Walking Scotsman would be quite fast enough.
WHISTLING
Oh, you dozy buttock!
Now we know where the hooter is.
Listen, Foggy, I could be wrong, but if you want a layman's opinion,
it seems to me that we're going backwards.
Of course we're going backwards.
You don't do a three-point turn in this sort of thing, you know.
Who's looking where we're going?
Nobody's looking where we're going.
Great, great(!) We know where we're going.
We're taking this thing back to where it came from.
Ooh! You be careful what you're doing with that shovel.
I'm stoking the firebox!
Well, you'll not find it there!
Yes, well... You know, I think I'm getting the hang of this.
WHISTLING
All right. You know where the whistle is. What about the brake?!
Don't you worry about the brake.
Don't you let him talk you out of it, Compo.
You carry on worrying about the brake.
Nothing to it. When the time comes, you simply pull...
Well, one of these.
Oh, my God. Now, don't start to panic. Panic?
When have you ever seen me panic?
Oh, my God!
WHISTLING
Friendly crowd.
Nice of them to wave, under the circumstances.
MUSIC: Theme from Last Of The Summer Wine.
WHISTLING
BAND GRADUALLY STOPS PLAYING
MUSIC: Theme from Last Of The Summer Wine.
I'm glad that's all over. Me too.
Going to be a long time before a go near another steam engine.
ENGINE PUFFS
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd