(Clegg) The older you get, the more you see the hand of Providence in things.
lt sends us the heat wave,
but not before it equips us in its mercy
with short-sleeved flannelette vests.
(Compo) Ah! l wish l were on a long white beach
with palm trees, a clear blue sea and Dorothy Lamour.
And Nora Batty.
(Foggy) Why do you want Nora Batty if you've got Dorothy Lamour?
A bloke's got to have a bit of grit in his diet.
Damned attractive woman, Dorothy Lamour.
Can't see her taking up with a small figure in a ferret skin
and a pair of down-at-heel wellies.
Better make that two ferret skins.
But you see, machine-gun mouth,
this is a desert island and l'm the only bloke what's on it.
Dorothy Lamour would devote her life to making raffia baskets
before she'd take up with you.
Not if l rescue her from the slimy clutches of a 40-foot octopus
what is terrorising the natives until they flee.
Oh, yes? ln a fit of gratitude she hurls herself at you?
You get the idea.
lnto the clutches of a five-foot octopus
who's been terrorising the natives round here
for as long as l can remember.
Oh.
l wish l hadn't seen that.
You don't want to look in there.
lt's horrible. lt's more like...yuck.
Well?
Nothing.
- What do you mean, nothing? - l mean nothing.
ln this heat you're supposed to feel something.
- Didn't anything stir? - Nothing.
lvy, it's a well-known fact
that tropical weather conditions make European women lose control.
We're out of raspberry ripple.
Another bloody legend gone.
- Yay! Ha-ha-ha! - Oh, go away.
There's something so unnatural about seeing grown-up people
holding bits of each other.
Look how it's killed the cinema industry.
- We're married, aren't we? - Then there's no possible excuse.
Sex is something precious that you should do with the lights out
without ever getting excited about it.
ln the meantime, three still lemonades with ice, please.
- lce? You must be joking. - Oh, let the tap run.
- Oh, hello, Wally. - Hello, Foggy.
- Hello, Wally. - How do, Compo?
- Hello, Wally. - Hello, Cleggy.
Give us two teas, Sidney, please.
ls there something l could tempt her with?
Wooarr! l know how tha feels.
What does she like, apart from being miserable and scrubbing steps?
- She's had some bad news. - Bad news, eh?
l'll say this much. She's got the face for it.
lf there's anything we can do...
Don't hesitate to ask.
He'll volunteer Cleggy and me faster than you can say...
That'll do. l know how fast you can say certain words.
- We don't want any of that. - l were only gonna say Jock Robinson.
- No. - Jack Ribinson.
- No. - Gary Hibbertson.
(Both groan)
l thought l'd bring her out.
Have a walk round town, take her out of herself.
- ls there owt she fancies? - There's me.
She'd count on her fingers when newlyweds were having a baby.
There must be something an ex-military man can do.
You'd better leave her to get on with her depression.
The women round here have been trained for it all their lives.
Pessimism is a female Yorkshire art form.
When you look at the men, you can see why.
That's right. Put her in a good mood for the rest of the day.
There's always a slump in my domestic harmony after you've been in.
l won't have you insulting my missus in here.
Unless you can do it very quietly.
You know, if it weren't for the urges of the flesh,
l could forget about women altogether.
The types you've been out with take some forgetting.
l remember that one you brought to that barbecue and dance.
- Oh dear. - What's wrong with him?
- She was very striking. - She didn't strike me.
- You were too quick for her. - Oh.
- She came from a good home. - For unmarried mothers.
ls he still moaning cos she got merry?
Merry? Merry?
lt's the first time l've seen a vicar scream in mortal terror.
Last l heard, she were in Blackpool.
lf she goes through their hot dogs that fast, they're in for a short season.
We went to Blackpool for the day when Mrs Clegg was alive.
Hm. Funny, that. She was usually more level-headed.
How old do you think a bloke has to be before the urges in the flesh die down?
Well, speaking personally and in my own case,
l was nearly 37.
Cor! Right then?
Where did you pick this bird up?
Oh... l met her one sultry afternoon down the betting shop.
A marriage of true minds.
You can see it. Holding hands under the ''no spitting'' notice.
(Nora sobbing)
l think what she needs is another woman.
- Sup your tea. - Did you see that?
l bet that's the first time he's touched her for years except in self-defence.
The least we can do is offer her our services.
Stay still. l've been offering her mine for years.
lvy's coming. That'll cheer her up.
Mind out, Wally. Come on.
What is it, love?
- (Wails) - Oh, love.
By 'eck, that's cheered her up, hasn't it?
They seem to know instinctively how to enjoy being sad.
lt does women good to let the old emotions go once in a while.
We men have to hide them behind a stiff upper lip.
Stiff upper lip? That looks like an untrimmed flue brush.
ls nobody gonna ask him why she's weeping?
You don't do that kind of thing.
- Suppose it's personal. - They're the most interesting.
lt's nothing personal.
- You're supposed to use a little tact. - Quite.
Has she found out tha's got another woman?
Nery tactful.
What do l want with another woman?
l sometimes wonder what you wanted with the first.
Well, you know how it is.
lt happened before l got seriously interested in pigeons.
Has tha won lately?
l've had bad luck with my old grey female.
Stop talking about Nora. l'm talking about the pigeon.
l had a very nice second this week with a young 'un.
- Lovely. - Ooh, she's gonna be a dream.
'Ey, l get up at night sometimes just to go out and have a look at her.
- When l see her.. - (lvy) Now, then.
- Shh. - l worry about her.
Will nobody tell us why she's weeping?
lt's her brother Billy in Australia.
They say he's not gonna last till Christmas.
Their Billy's been dying for the last 15 years.
That's true. l bet there's nobody more experienced at dying than Billy.
Aye, but this time he seems to have his heart set on it.
Why's she rushing about like that in this heat?
Some say it's because she's a warm-blooded creature
full of restlessness and passion.
Some say it's because she's crackers.
She reckons work takes her mind off it.
lt used to send me peculiar, l know that.
l'm surprised you can remember.
- l've had to graft in my day. - That was it. One day.
l think old Foggy's had enough.
My back went, didn't it?
Straight round to the bookie's with the rest of you.
lt seems like only yesterday
that you two were having this very same discussion.
ln fact, it was only yesterday.
He's always on at me. Gets on my wick.
'Ey up. Listen.
- What's up? - She's gone quiet.
She'll be up in the bedroom brooding over her Billy's wedding photograph.
lf you can't get a laugh from that, you never will.
We'll come back later when she's in a happier mood.
Stay where you are.
l've invited you here, haven't l?
lsn't a man master in his own house?
You never liked our Billy.
- Neither did you. - Not when he was well.
Since he's been poorly l've liked him.
We merely came to offer our sympathy.
And ask if you could sew a patch on my undervest.
- Come away! - l have to take my shirt off in this heat!
You should read our Billy's pathetic letter.
His spelling's not improved, then?
Let's go to your house and get you something to drink.
Like household bleach.
He has great difficulty in passing water.
Can't he move inland?
He's only 53. What kind of an age is 53?
As l remember, it's a lot like 52.
lt gets taken for granted.
You never hear anybody saying life begins at 53.
Why him? Why our Billy?
l should be leaving. ls that the time?
l ought to be home before the dustbin lorry comes.
You know how full of life he was, our Billy.
l hate missing the dustbin lorry.
He was cited three times.
lf his friends got divorced, they named our Billy.
lt's been nice talking to you, Mrs Batty. Let go, Mrs Batty.
Now all he dreams about is England.
He'd be happy to go, he says,
if he could just see one last English Christmas.
- What? - That's what she said.
One last English Christmas.
With a grip like death on my shirt.
'Ey, he'll never make it.
That's right. Be constructive.
lt stands to reason.
lf their Billy has lost interest in chasing birds, he's on the final decline.
lt's embarrassing having Nora hold your shirt.
- She never holds mine. - lt'd come away in her hands.
l wouldn't mind that.
Letting her see me all magnificent male in me vest.
(Laughs lecherously)
Like Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire.
More like Dustcart Named Degenerate.
- l wouldn't say that. - You couldn't. He said it.
(Sings romantic tune)
What's all this?
Are we about to witness some midsummer pagan rite?
Well, it's hot. l'm having a wash.
l never thought l'd see the day.
- l don't do it very often. - We've noticed.
Oh. You're supposed to conserve water.
You must be the water board's least demanding customer.
Have you got anything cold in the fridge?
- What fridge? - l understood you had a fridge.
You were making boastful claims about having a brand-new fridge.
You were bragging to strangers at the coffee morning
about the joys of making brown ale-flavoured ice cream.
So where's the fridge?
He concluded that true happiness
is not to be found in material possessions.
- Right. - Oh, they've repossessed it.
That's the last time they get any business from me.
lf that threat ever leaks out, it'll send share prices tumbling.
l think l'm losing weight.
These trousers are getting baggier. lt must be this hot weather.
The hot weather makes trousers baggier?
No, you daft buttock.
The hot weather makes you eat less so you lose weight.
So you don't really need a fridge.
No. lt's true.
But l like to keep me wellies in it.
You know, when l'm having a doze on a hot afternoon.
They used to be lovely by four o'clock.
lce wellies.
That would have baffled them at casualty on a hot afternoon
if you'd trotted in with frostbite.
- Wait a minute. - 'Ey up! He's getting another idea.
- Do you think so? - You can tell - three stages.
One, he goes like that, two, he gets an idea,
three, he looks for idiots like us to carry it out.
- l've got an idea. - Oh.
- Where are you going? - Leave the door on the latch.
The least you could do is listen to it.
Come back. That man! Come back.
l thought we'd lost him.
A Dewhurst never gives up.
There's a bit of Labrador in him somewhere.
Ah! l were wondering about his ears.
l suppose you two know you look ridiculous over there?
lt's lovely standing here on the cliff edge with the wind whistling.
That's the first time l've been cool all day.
l tracked you down from the end of the lane.
Broken twigs, imprints of a welly. All a trained observer needs.
And the fact that we told you we were coming up here.
Ah. You didn't say exactly where, did you?
What's all this brave talk about a cliff edge?
Both standing there fearlessly at a drop of two-foot-six.
We tried bigger drops. Too scary.
Where did you two pluck up the courage to find a bigger drop?
Aaargh!
We found the bigger drop just where you jumped, Foggy.
Fools! You could have killed me.
We can do better than that.
And to show tha's in good hands,
l am just about to give thee
Yorkshire's most unforgettable kiss of life.
Over my dead body.
With the aid of my cine camera
we'll make a short film as though it's Christmas
so that Nora's poor brother can have his last wish.
Are you sure you wouldn't rather have the kiss of life, Foggy?
Christmas? ln the middle of a flamin' heat wave?
lt's the sort of deception the camera could do superbly.
ln the hands of someone with the necessary technical flair.
You've got about as much flair as a duck in slippers.
How the hell will you kid anyone it's Christmas?
The Chamber of Commerce does it every year.
- l don't like Christmas. - You might in midsummer.
l thought it was something we could do.
And speaking as a visual artist,
l find the challenge is stimulating.
You'll find yourself locked up with ideas like that
that have the authentic ring of stupidity.
Go careful. He's very good at stupidity.
For goodness' sake, stop making difficulties.
lf it'll bring pleasure to a poor lonely soul in Australia,
we ought to give it a try.
lt's such a dozy idea.
l think it's a good idea.
Now we're all agreed it's a good idea, let's get on with it.
l shall need a megaphone and a chair with my name across it.
Cecil B De Dewhurst.
Christmas. Some dozy bird turns up
with a bit of butter and a packet of tea.
When all a bloke like me wants from a woman full of Christian charity
is a little bit of a tumble on me lonely sofa.
Anyway, think what it would save her on wrapping paper.
Wait, wait. Put me down.
Listen. Before you toss me over that wall, ask yourselves.
Now what is it?
Why is it l'm being tossed over and not thee?
Because you're the right weight.
Oh.
And if anything goes wrong, you're dressed for an accident.
l never thought of that.
Come on.
Wait. Wait.
How do we know there's any holly over there?
There's always holly in an old churchyard.
lf you went to church more often, you might notice that kind of thing.
He might notice that everybody that goes to church regularly
seems to finish up dead in the graveyard.
Come on, then. Get hold of him.
(Groaning)
They gave Hillary a medal for this, you know.
Can we have our ball back, please?
Where did you get this tree?
One of the small branches of the Forestry Commission.
- You thieved it? - Where are we gonna buy one?
Oh, my God. They thieved it.
lt's only one branch. They've got a whole forest.
Suppose everybody was to take just one branch?
lt'd look like a bundle of toothpicks.
They're all out there desperate for a Christmas tree,
the woods are swarming with them.
l will not have you thieving things.
We left a pound note in an envelope pinned to the tree.
- You didn't? - We did.
Aw. Aw.
75p would have been more than enough.
- lt's too hot to play any more. - We ought to have finished the set.
lt'd be suicidal. Me trying to jump the net in...this weather.
Be with you in a minute.
Merry Christmas.
l bet they've got holly.
And l bet they've got this huge thing with great teeth and a fierce growl.
And that's only the lady of the house.
l'm not going in there.
l'm fed up of being slung over walls.
That bride's mother got quite nasty.
What is it about Christmas that can stir level-headed people
into suddenly drinking British sherry?
People like these are used to dealing with their own kind.
Obviously l shall go in there
- while you two stay out here. - Obviously.
What makes you think they'll sell thee a pound's worth of holly?
Good manners. The way you approach people.
There's still a place for social graces.
There a dozen little signs
by which they'll recognise me as one of their own kind.
And the biggest sign of all would be thee on tha knees
crawling for all tha's worth.
Well.
(Foggy rings bell)
They say adultery makes your knees sore.
Who said that?
l remember Tommy Warburton emptying his soul of such details
at that depressing corner table in the taproom of the Queen's.
lt was the night before they took him off
to work their surgical magic on his haemorrhoids.
They say it's haunted, that table.
They say anybody who sits there for an hour gets suicidal.
Well, Tommy was in a gloomy mood.
l think it's that draught from the door to the gents.
lt was when he swore to give up his relationship
with a certain married woman.
Fancy giving them up when they're certain!
Later l understand he tried the consolations of religion.
- Did it do any good? - lt was all right so far.
Then he found that too much praying made his knees sore.
The human frame is designed for moderation in all things.
But l feel sorry for those medical gentlemen
who, despite years of expensive training, not to mention tailoring,
still have to foregather on summer mornings
around the hindquarters of people like Tommy Warburton,
charming as he may be from almost any other direction.
Will it have any berries on it at this time of the year?
'Ey up! He's got a sprig or two.
What's this? We told you to get some holly.
Not a pair of pipe cleaners.
Why didn't you get a pound's worth?
This is a pound's worth.
What? She took that quid? The whole lot?
'Ey up! No wonder you live in a big house!
You great dollop! Why didn't you belt her one and pinch some more?
That is not a gentleman's way.
You've got to admit, Compo, there's something almost breathtaking
about that haughty contempt for the economic facts of life.
You'd think he'd be nationalised.
Compo? Compo? Compo?
- He wouldn't? - Not in broad daylight.
- You should have watched him. - He's probably gone home.
That's what he'd have done.
He wouldn't be stealing holly in people's gardens in broad daylight, would he?
Even he wouldn't.
Would he?
Good grief.
Come on.
No. No.
Look, try holding these.
Right. Now, l want you to smile.
A nice big smile.
As though you've just had a lovely big Christmas dinner.
You're replete, relaxed, content.
How much longer? l'm boiling.
Shut up and do it for our Billy.
lf you're told to smile, smile.
No, no, l want a nice big after-dinner smile,
not a spasm of indigestion.
Let's try a nice big smile, shall we?
Now, come along, a big smile.
Big Christmas smile, that man!
My ferret smiles more than Wally.
Mark you, it's got summat to smile about.
l use it for breeding.
Action.
Wally, l want you to reach out and take one,
slowly, savouring every moment.
Oh, they've all melted!
lt's like dipping your fingers in chutney.
Don't wipe it on your clean hanky!
Leave him alone, woman. lt's Christmas.
No. lt's not Christmas.
l think we need a change. A completely different scene.
Whitsuntide?
Yes, l think l've got all the atmosphere l can get here. Ow!
That looked fairly atmospheric.
Oh. l hope you haven't nipped your career in the bud, Foggy.
- Cecil B. - Ooh, yeah.
(Murmuring)
We'd like to have something very light. Perhaps with salad.
You'll have turkey and plum pudding and like it.
Two turkey and plum pudding, please.
That man, come closer.
Look, would you er...
Are you wearing your winter hose or your summer hose?
Look, get on with it.
Keep that space for me. l'm setting a ten-second delay.
Right. Well, here we go.
And...action. Snow.
Agh!
(Clegg shouting)
- What's he saying? - l don't know.
But it doesn't sound like a merry Christmas.
l'm stuck. The window's stuck.
They're in a terrible state, them sash cords.
How many times have l told you?
Where can you find anybody these days to mend sash cords?
That's right enough. There isn't any craftsmen left.
And you wouldn't be able to afford 'em.
Would you mind postponing this discussion on the industry
until you've got me out of this window?
(Laughs)
ls tha back crushed?
lt's morbid idiots like you that gawp at air crashes.
Can you wiggle your toes?
Do you have to pass a test before they'll let you out?
lf you can wiggle your toes, your spinal column is all right.
l'm not injured, it's just getting a bit boring being here.
Get a ladder and push the window up from the outside
while l push it from the inside.
What we want is a ladder.
Someone can push it up from the outside
while Sid pushes it up from the inside.
l don't know how you think up these schemes.
Fix them sash cords! l've told him a thousand times.
l have to ask you ladies to move.
You don't want to be crushed by a falling ladder.
You be careful if you're going up that ladder.
l'm not going up any ladder.
Let's take it back here where the pavement's more smooth.
Come on. To me. Back.
lt's no good here. Take it back. Take it back.
Well, lift it.
Are you playing best of three?
Come out of the way. What are you trying to do, kill him?
All right, don't worry. lt'll be all right now. That's about it.
Ooh! Ow!
l want a volunteer. l'm proud of you.
- Get his coat off. - Wait a minute.
- l haven't volunteered. - Don't make a fuss.
l haven't volunteered for anything. What are you...?
l haven't volunteered... Who volunteered?
- Come on, get up. - l get all these jobs.
He's ripped a hole in his trousers.
- Don't look. - l'm trying not to.
But it draws you like something mysterious.
lt's just this unusual angle.
Have l got it?
lt's not for either of us to pass an opinion on.
Never mind your rear numberplate.
You'll need both hands for this window.
What about showing me rear?
Forget about that other window on the world.
lt's a question of priorities.
Come down, that man. Slowly. Or turn to face your front.
Stop interfering, Foggy.
Who knows, one day he may expose himself for England.
Just you keep hold of that ladder!
Push! Push!
l am pushing!
Telegram here from Australia.
Oh.
lt's about your Billy.
He's a lot better.
He's run off with his nurse.
There's not much point in her reading it now.
Help me in. l can't go down hanging out me trousers.
Agh! Agh!
lt's our Billy! lt's our Billy! He's up and about again.
Oh, great. A merry Christmas to your Billy.
(Foggy) Sure it was a Colorado beetle?
Listen, frog face, l've seen enough priests' notice boards
to know what a Colorado beetle looks like.
We must find it.
Rather than risk life and limb up there, Foggy,
why not wait for it to come down?
No, we must find it.
They go through vegetation like socialism goes through money.
What do you know about the wonders of nature?
He was the only one in our school who failed dirty jokes.
Listen, Foggy.
lf tha don't come down,
can l have thy Hitler Youth dagger with the blood on it?
These pests are very destructive.
Aha! The little red devils!
Red?! Colorado beetles are black and yellow.
Oh, the one l saw were red with little black spots.
Let's go and get a bit of sausage for me tea, eh?
(Foggy protesting)
(Foggy) Come on, give us a hand.