Close up, that man.
You've got no sense of formation.
Foggy, with all those holes in his garments, where would he keep it?
He never thinks of things like that, just opens his great gob.
Did you hear that? Our great national heritage, the English language,
tripping off his tongue like silvery bells.
His command of his native syllables surpassed only by the glory of his dress.
You'd think he'd have tidied himself up a bit on a Saturday.
I saw that man in the second-hand store take one look at him and turn white.
Look at that!
Yes, I've lost all confidence in the British vegetable.
That started out as an English cabbage and finishes up as a Brussels sprout.
That's true.
Where do you keep your sugar?
It's in the cupboard there.
Don't put that on the ironing! Ah!
Now, stick it in the dustbin, would you, Foggy?
It's just outside the door.
He must have noticed me in the market,
sneering contemptuously as we passed all them vegetable stalls.
Yeah, that fella nearly threw us out when you squeezed his King Edwards.
Put like that, I can see why.
If you were to ask me, I'd say chemical fertiliser.
Oh, well, if you're going to take that attitude, manure to thee an' all.
Yes, manure, that's precisely my point.
Pointed manure, now there's a dangerous novelty in the wrong hands.
That's the sort of thing that some idiot would be willing to die for.
Yeah, the deterioration of the British vegetable, exactly.
And my theory is muck.
I'm not surprised.
As a nation, we do not use good old farmyard muck in the way we used to.
Well, not for spreading on the land, maybe, but there's still a good deal of bull... Ah, ah, ah...
Well, there's still a good deal of it about generally.
That is Western civilisation's biggest post-war growth industry.
How long is it since you had a satisfactory carrot?
Mind your own business.
Very wise. It's not the sort of thing you want noising abroad.
I know how long it is since I had one. Me too.
But you lose the urge as you get older.
Lewis Bickerdyke. You what?
Lewis Bickerdyke.
Who the hell's Lewis Bickerdyke?
Lewis Bickerdyke, I don't remember Lewis Bickerdyke.
Well, you ought to, his name crops up often enough.
I mean, we've just used it 14 times.
There's a Bickerdyke in Netherthong.
No, that's there Tom. Goes in the Red Bear.
Likes to warm his hands on the barmaid.
Personally, I prefer rather quieter public houses, where the only game allowed is dominoes.
Oh, give over, there's only four can play dominoes.
There's any number can have a good game with the barmaid.
I often find difficulty remembering what the other fella's got in his hands.
What about this Bickerdyke?
Lewis, lives up Ormond Street, works in Brewitt's Ironmongers.
Oh, I know him, the little twerp.
Undersized and cocky, would have made a good light infantryman.
Give over, he would make a good pimple for a bad complexion.
But we'll agree that Lewis is short and objectionable.
He gets on my wick!
I'm not asking you to marry him, just to consider him as a source of fresh vegetables.
He's got more rattle than Rafferty's shed.
Those sort of people can be handled, given the right leadership.
There's only one way to handle him, and that's by the nose.
I get a distinct impression that you really don't like him.
Don't like him?!
The last time I went into Brewitt's Ironmongers, he come up to serve me.
Well, when I say he come up to serve me, I had to lean over the counter to see if he was there.
Otherwise, you get this sort of funny little cocky voice coming from God knows where.
And it's a very weird feeling to find yourself talking to a plank of mahogany.
He's not that small.
How the hell which you know from up there, you great lump?
Well, why had you gone into Brewitt's Ironmongers?
Drunk, and mistook it for the Ministry of Social Security.
I'd gone in there to buy some hinges for me ferrets.
Your ferrets have hinges?
You mean you can open them in the middle?
I was building them a box, you wet neck.
I bet that was a structure of rare architectural beauty.
Watch it, Dewhurst, I'm not too bad with my hands.
As Nora Batty's only too ready to testify.
Anyway, he comes up all cocky like, and he says, "What's tha want?"
As though my custom wasn't welcome in the shop.
How unthinkable(!)
That a busy store could fail to welcome that among its customers?
I can just see it standing there, steaming quietly on a wet day.
Shut your cakehole!
Get on, then. I'm trying to. It's Gertrude here.
Anyway, I drew myself up all formal like and I let Bickerdyke have it.
What? This.
What the devil's that? That's me proud look, that's me shriveller.
Do it again.
Fancy seeing that in an Ironmongers!
And I let him have it, full steam, the little twit.
Your shriveller?
My shriveller. And then what?
And then he dropped a couple of bath taps right on me toe.
They went blue.
I should think they did go blue.
Almost anything'd go blue after being in contact with your feet.
Not the taps, it was me toes that went blue.
Well, I think that's marvellous. Marvellous?
Certainly - it's a testimonial to the power of your shriveller.
Is it? Yes, of course it is. Look what happened.
I mean, you gave him your shriveller and he lost all power of his grip.
Bath taps fell from his stricken fingers.
Cor!
HE LAUGHS
Do you like it better that way or this way? This way's nice.
Don't encourage him, he's daft enough.
You should be interested, as a military man.
In what? In his shriveller.
The very idea of being interested in his shriveller fills me with a cold feeling at the pit of my stomach.
Well, if you're going to ignore the defence application.
What defence application?
Well, it's simple...
You never know who's listening.
If his shriveller can bring down bath taps, think what would happen
if we stuck him up on the Air Ministry roof
and allowed him to point it at an enemy aircraft.
Do you think I should leave my body to medical science?
Yes. And as quickly as possible.
Come on, the shops will be shut.
Well, I didn't mean as quickly as that.
He'll be home by now.
Who'll be home by now? Bickerdyke.
What the hell do we want to go and see that little prawn Bickerdyke for?
If we're going to buy a few vegetables, eh?
I mean, he's always winning the local shows.
He's the vegetable wizard, isn't he?
Huh... It gives you that warm feeling.
Big-headed little twit.
Trying to kid on he's got something worth having.
Well, it's not Mrs Bickerdyke, I've seen her.
Can't blame the man for taking a few simple security measures.
It's all cobblers.
He's just a flash, that's all.
The next thing, he'll be trying to kid us he's got a moat and a flipping drawbridge.
En garde!
En garde, Varlet! Don't you call me Violet.
All for one and one for nothing.
Don't... You'll put me eye out.
Oh... ta, monsieur.
That man. I order you to lay down your arms.
No, Have at me! Will you stop that?
And beware, monsieur, I am the Phantom.
I will very likely slice thee up the codpiece.
Stop messing about!
Enough, monsieur, I am le shagged.
Trust and honour is satisfied.
Where do I find me hanky?
I want to never again to do that in public.
I'm trying to find me hanky!
I mean the fooling and about, not that.
Well, on second thoughts, scrub that too. I've got it.
I can understand you keeping that in your boot, but why fish for it through your trouser pocket?
I've got a hole in me lining.
The whole performance looks revolting. Smarten yourself up a bit if we're going in there.
Going in there? It's what we came for, isn't it?
Yes, I know, but that was before I realised he lived behind the Iron Curtain.
But it stands to reason, if the man is in
competitive vegetable growing, that he's going to take a few security measures.
A few? I just hope his warheads aren't nuclear.
Gets on my wick.
Naturally, the man has to guard his secrets from his competitors, but
we don't fall into that category, do we?
You sure? Of course I'm sure.
You're just a customer in search of a few genuinely nutritious vegetables, right?
Right. No-one's interested in your exhibits
so just present yourself carefully, you never know who might come to the door.
Listen, we've only come to buy a few vegetables.
We don't have to wear evening dress.
I've just had an idea. What?
Well, you know I said I couldn't make do with tinned stuff?
Well, why don't we go home and make do...
..with tinned stuff? That man. About turn.
All that's necessary is for us to walk up
his path with an air of confidence in our own right to be there.
Le Crikey, as the French might say.
Le chuffing 'eck.
It says Beware Of The Dog, Foggy!
Of course it says Beware Of The Dog.
It always says Beware Of The Dog.
You put a notice up like that, you don't need an actual dog.
Well, come on then.
DOG BARKS
Get down!
DOG BARKS
Mind where you put your leg.
DOG BARKS
DOG GROWLS
Get down, Fang. GET DOWN!
Damned inhospitable little man.
I told thee he'd get on my wick.
I haven't had so much fun since my leg went septic.
Look, will you get dressed? I'm just checking for damage.
If that gate had been an inch higher, I think you'd both be...
IN HIGH VOICE: ..checking for damage.
Can we be quiet? Don't distract me. I'm sitting here trying to force myself to remain calm
while every trained nerve in me body is screaming for vengeance.
Is the nerve saying anything about buying another round?
I want you to promise to keep an eye on me. Don't let me go back there in a blood fury.
I promised never to lose control, never again to let these...
..kill ever again It's tha feet that wants to keep control of.
That could be very nasty, Foggy. Just when you think you've got control of your hands,
you feel your feet stealing round somebody's throat.
They won't, they leap into your pocket!
If your jacket wasn't so baggy it wouldn't get in people's way. Like a Harris tweed telephone kiosk.
I should think so when we're both wearing it for the same cross country run!
That's all you want in an emergency.
Some stupid, great, twog to put his leg in your pocket!
That's no pleasure to me. He wouldn't stop to let me take it out, you know.
Stop! Tha were going like the pony express! I thought,
"God, if I fall down now he'll trample me to death."
Did anyone see what kind of dog it was? Nasty.
No, no I mean the breed.
No, I think if I'd had a moment's warning I could have been ready for it.
I couldn't tell you the breed but it had 300 teeth, I noticed that.
What does tha mean, "Ready for it?" It's sometimes possible to quell a savage beast
by sheer force of personality.
300 teeth and that was just at the front.
Tha what?
First of all you have to catch its eye, then you stare it down without blinking.
Dominate it. Why didn't you dominate it?
It came too fast. Yeah, and it went too fast, an' all.
Zee-zoom! One lollop of them gangly legs straight into me pocket.
Cold, wet nose,
angry, little eyes and whiskers going grey around the muzzle and his dog didn't look much better.
Well, I'm firmly of the opinion there will be life somewhere in other parts. Cobblers!
It's very itchy having life in other parts.
Of the Universe... It's all conkers.
That's what we need more scientific discussion of that standard.
There's nowt on Mars.
Very well, let's assume there is no life on Mars.
It's looks so desolate and eerie on those pictures.
I couldn't help thinking of British Leyland.
No life on Mars but what about the other millions of possibilities?
There in't that many.
What do you mean there isn't that many, there's the whole of infinity.
I don't believe in infinity.
That's what I like to see rugged independence.
How can you not believe in infinity?
It's easy. But you don't know what it means.
You know, le infinity.
Oh, non, oui monsieur.
No prompting let's see what he makes of it.
Well, come on, Einstein, let's be hearing your definition of infinity.
It means the sky's got no lid on it. I like it.
Got no lid on it.
No matter how far I goes up, tha can't hit tha head on the roof.
That's fairly close, Foggy. And you don't believe in it? No.
You think there is a lid on it?
King Street fisheries have got two mirrors facing each other and when
tha walks in tha can see thaself reflecting hundreds of times.
You vain little devil!
No wonder there's always a queue - it's Valentino here stuck in front of a mirror.
I can see thaself hundreds of times, it goes on and on and on...
We've noticed.
Getting smaller, disappearing into the distance until it seems tha goes on forever.
Now some clever twog might think he's in infinity when he looks in that mirror. Right?
When all the time he's in some tatty, little chip shop! Cor!
Phaw!
A giant, plastic carrot!
What?
You can't just steal somebody's giant, plastic carrot.
We can if we're quick!
Nobody's stealing it, we'd just be borrowing it for an hour.
Yeah, but suppose...
Suppose they miss it?
Tomorrow is Sunday, the warehouse is gonna be empty now how are they gonna miss it?
You don't think the staff of that organisation
are gonna spend the Sabbath fretting about their giant, plastic carrot.
Let's stop rabbiting and go and get it. Sit down!
If we're going to do it, this operation will have to be conducted with military precision.
Here we go, listen, Adolf. All we're going to do is borrow somebody's plastic carrot.
We're not going to invade Russia! Will you keep your voice down.
The first thing we'll have to do is institute a few security precautions.
I'd just love to see Bickerdyke's face when he sees we're growing bigger veg than he is.
We'll pretend we haven't noticed it. Yeah!
I'll give him one of me shrivellers.
We'll stagger past his place and he'll see us struggling under the weight of this enormous carrot.
Will you stop mentioning the word, "carrot."
We shall have to give the target a code name in case we're overheard.
Eh-up, Foggy's off again.
We'll call it Operation...
Greedy little goblin!
Here's to Operation Greedy Little Goblin.
CHURCH BELLS RING
Right, off you go. Why me?!
Just unhook it.
Oh...
I can't reach it! It's that high. Oh, oh...
Oh...
Shut up, we're just taking all the weight.
Get me down! Get me down!
Go on.
Just unhook it and you'll come down.
Do you want a peppermint. Ah... Get me down!
Get me down! I'm slipping.
I'm slipping. I'm slipping. Argh...
Oh... Oh... Oh...
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh...
Make less noise - we're supposed to be doing this quietly.
It's all right for you! You haven't had your cobblers scraped across a giant carrot.
Morning, vicar.
Just rescuing a wounded chaffinch, vicar.
Bless you, my son.
How can you lie to the clergy like that?
It's fairly easy. If they're C of E, they tend to believe anything.
Baptists, on the other hand, are a whole lot tougher.
I'm coming down.
Oh... Ow...
Don't come down till you've unhooked it.
Watch out. No... Argh... Let go.
Argh... I know I can... Oh, ah...
You dozy pillocks! Will you get me down!
Will you be quiet.
That's right, show him how to be quiet.
I'm falling out me wellies!
Me welly, I want me other welly.
The blood were rushing to my head.
I can understand its desire to get away from your feet!
Get off! I lost one of me wellies!
No, I can't reach it.
Go on, then, a bit further.
Your hand's above the hook.
Ah...
Here you are, he's your stick you'll need it.
THEY LAUGH
HE LAUGHS
TYRES SCREECH
Excuse us.
There's nothing like a bit of exercise to give you a good thirst.
There must be easier ways of doing it, though.
Come away from that bar! You've had more than enough.
You can hardly walk!
Hello, Wally's pigeon's won another race.
We come in here to ring for a taxi not to get you a drink!
Have you got a telephone?
Yes, love, along the corridor.
Ta, love. Hey-up, Wally. Hey, Wall! OK, Wall.
Oh, hello...
Pull up a floor and sit down, Wally.
Don't anyone breathe on him, he'll fall over.
Hello, Foggy.
No, I can't understand anyone who can't hold his liquor.
I dunno, I reckon he's carrying a fair load now.
Excuse me...
There's a carrot on the phone.
Come on. Excuse us, ladies and gentlemen. Sorry about this, folks.
Ta-ra, Wally. Ta-ra, Wally, all the best.
Oh, me back.
I can just see the headlines.
"Men crushed by carrot."
Ribbentrop came through here in 1938.
Rubbish!
I'm telling you I saw Ribbentrop coming down
Arnold Street in a big, old Mercedes. Course, he weren't in uniform.
Absolute twaddle.
I was there on the pavement learning how to drive Marigold Watkins. I remember it distinctly.
Well, you would with Marigold Watkins.
"Hello, Marigold", I said. "That were Ribbentrop in that car."
I've never heard such rubbish. What would Ribbentrop be doing around here?
About 20mph!
Boom. Boom.
HE LAUGHS
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd