Knock it down, why don't you?!
Another little nudge and you'd have had it off the hinges.
I thought to myself, "Oh, I've been jack-knifed into by some huge articulated vehicle."
Imagine my surprise when I opened up and found it was just some undersized scruffy little twit!
I thought thy'd be open. Well, that's a natural assumption,
if you ignore the drawn blinds and a 40-foot sign that says "closed"!
Tea or coffee? Haven't you got a wider choice than that?
I'm getting fed up with tea and coffee all the time.
What do you want, then? I don't know - you're the expert.
Tempt me.
How about a still lemonade?
Oh, I don't want that rubbish.
That's right, think about it objectively(!)
How about a fizzy lemonade?
Oh, it gives me the wind.
I need something to give me a lift.
I don't suppose you'd care to press off and try a passing lorry, would you?!
I think I'll have, er...
cocoa.
What's up - all the racing been cancelled?
I don't bet all that much on the gee-gees.
Over the year, it averages out.
I lose a few bob and then I go back
and I lose a few more.
Sounds very thorough.
Well, you've got to have a system.
It's times like this when I'm getting low on fags I miss old Cyril Blamire.
Have you heard from him? Not a postcard.
It'd be more appropriate if he sent thee a cigarette card.
Nah. It were just a game. I used to cadge his fags, he used to make a fuss, but he didn't really mind.
He knew he could always have one of mine. Very true.
Providing he had a pin to hold it with.
Do you think he'll marry this woman? I wouldn't be surprised.
He were off like a shot when he heard that she'd become a widow.
I never thought I'd hear the day when you'd admit to missing Cyril Blamire.
Well, it's so quiet.
There's no-one to shout at me anymore.
It's been weeks since I've had a right rollicking.
We used to argue every day.
You miss things like that.
Have you ever thought of getting married? That's not funny. Oh, now he tells me!
Did anyone utter so much as a whisper when I went to the altar, when there was still time?
Drink your cocoa.
HE SLURPS
Oh, very delicate - he'd have loved that.
It seems to me there's a great deal of enjoyment gone out of life.
I bet that bird of his doesn't slurp her cocoa like you do.
Well, it serves him right, then, don't it?
Morning, Norm. Huh.
There.
You see? It's not the washing - it's getting them back in their creases.
A pair of trousers washed by the home handyman is something I could easily give up for Lent.
And why is it, if there's such a shortage of oil, it keeps appearing on my trouser bottoms?
Have you got any petrol?
Oh, God, is he off tea and coffee an' all?
Here, lighter fuel. HE wanted cocoa.
I'll bet it leaves a ring.
Here's a cloth.
Oh, ta.
Now...
Vernon Hislop broke his pelvis.
There's some round the back. Oh, ta.
I said, Vernon Hislop went and broke his...
'Ey-up, Vernon, you'll have to do better than that if you want to make an impression round 'ere.
Did you see him? No.
I had an eye-witness account at the bookies from a bloke called Trigger.
That's not a bloke - that's Roy Rogers' horse.
No wonder you can't pick winners if you can't tell the difference.
Trigger were there when Vernon slipped and fell! Well, that doesn't prove anything.
But if he is Roy Rogers' horse, you can tell in a minute if you try him with a lump of sugar.
Can he undo knots with his teeth?!
Ah, shut up!
He's got it on him this morning - dead moody.
Ah, well, he's not getting enough exercise now that Cyril's left.
You know what Cyril was like - restless, energetic,
crackers.
When are we going to do something exciting?
You're sensation-mad.
Poor old Vernon Hislop - breaks his pelvis, and he's bored again within five minutes.
Well, I tell you what we're going to do for starters, we're going to meet the 11 o'clock bus.
Is that from Cyril? He wrote it? Yep, it came this morning.
Is he going to be on the bus? No. He's not going to be on the bus.
Then what the hell are we going to meet it for? Why don't you shut your flap and let him tell you?
"Oswestry, Saturday. Dear all, weather remains mixed, wind variable.
"By the way, if you should see my former landlady, please enquire
"if the blue socks are back yet from the laundry.
"I have acquired decent accommodation in one of the better residential areas.
"Several persons of good standing are eager to propose me for membership of the Conservative Club..."
Bah, the poor demented capitalist!
"The social circle is grateful for new blood, now that the barracks are closing.
"It's very sad to see this once-proud military establishment
"guarded now by a person with dandruff
"and an apparently well-speaking Alsatian from Securicor.
"Certainly, the brute's comprehension of English is very inferior...
"..and so is his dog's, because when I attempted to visit
"the barracks on a nostalgic pilgrimage, the damn thing wouldn't let go!
"The security fella was just as unpleasant, but at least he hasn't got me elbow in his mouth.
"However, the bruises have almost gone now,
"thanks to the sympathetic and skilful ministrations of a certain lady."
Ooh-hoo!
The poor dozy pillock!
Can't you see him? Eh? Can't you see him there in the darkened NAAFI, eh?
All blushing as she strokes his elbow.
Ooh-hoo! No wonder the Tories don't breed as fast as Labour.
They wouldn't breed so fast, would they, if they thought it was hard work? Wait till it's nationalised.
They'll take five of the beggars where only one was needed before.
And since the Sex Discrimination Act, all five could turn out to be women.
Aye. Do you ever get the feeling that living in the second half
of the 20th century is a bit like being detained on Her Majesty's pleasure?
Read the letter. Oh, right. Well, now we're getting to the gritty-nitty, because Cyril says...
"You'll be interested to hear that among the last few people to be
"employed at the barracks was old Foggy Dewhurst."
It says here... "You remember Foggy Dewhurst?"
I do. He were always sick every playtime at school.
He were in the Specials before he went into the Army.
Great, long, gormless streak from Arnold Crescent.
His mother wore brown boots.
He were always on traffic duty.
Blue uniform, white face.
Looked like a pencil with a rubber on the end.
I thought he was dead.
Nah. I had this feeling that he'd either died or something unspeakable
had happened to him, but I never imagined anything as morbid as this. What's that?
Well, he's been in Wales all this time. Oh.
Cyril says... "Foggy has been employed
"at the barracks here in a civilian capacity since he retired from the Army.
"We were stationed here together for several months in 1947.
"As you can imagine, he was delighted to see me, and we held a small but thoroughly depressing reunion.
"So many of the old faces are gone, and it gave us no comfort
"to recognise that, thanks to this Labour government, when the Russians finally come,
"practically all we shall have left to throw at them is one Welsh-speaking Alsatian.
"On top of which, he's a reedy tenor who bursts into song at the slightest provocation..."
Oh, no, that's the guard!
I thought he meant the Alsatian.
"Old Foggy's returning home to an empty house
"in Arnold Crescent, with all his relatives passed on or moved away.
"It would be a friendly gesture if you could meet him and show him
"that comradeship which will help him over this difficult transitional period.
"It is with confidence that I commend to your care old Foggy Dewhurst,
"one of the finest corporal signwriters with whom
"it's ever been my privilege to serve.
"A master of the Gothic script...
"and a keen leader of men."
Has thy ever heard of Yehudi Menuhin?
No.
No, neither have I.
You know what I always feel sorry about?
Go on.
That I didn't buy them encyclopaedias.
That bloke said if I'd have really dipped into them, I could have been up to degree standard.
Who was he then, Minister of Education?
He said he grew lupins.
Oh, well, he must have had some shreds of self-respect, then, if he grew lupins.
Take care, monsieur! I am the most feared swordsman in France!
With what you're showing, I'm not surprised!
Is that a new vest?
Ah, the other one were past it.
Keep that thing the right way up, will you? ..Ah, Clegg?
Simonite.
Cor. Now...
Take...
take that bag, will you? Come on!
Now, look, keep your eye on that - it's a lifetime collection of hand-painted army office door signs.
No, you men... No.
I'm trying to keep that the right way up! It should have travelled on t'platform, should this, you know.
He sneaked it on back at t'terminus, didn't he? While we were snatching a quick cuppa.
I didn't sneak it - I marched it on in good order and military discipline.
Aye. Then you jammed it like a cork in t'back seat.
Jam? That's a preposterous suggestion.
That anyone with my instinctive delicacy of touch could do anything so clumsy as jam.
Then how come it's taking three of us to throw the blasted thing off?
I just tucked it in neatly, that's all.
I warn you not to throw that thing.
Take that man's number! What?
I must check the contents of these bags to make sure that that fool hasn't broken anything, you see.
Now, could we, er...
Yes, could we go in there, do you think?
Welcome home, Foggy.
Yes, well, if we can just put everything down in here.
Carefully - put it down carefully, won't you now?
I'll give you a hand with this, because I want to make sure that fella hasn't broken these things.
He threw it down unnecessarily hard, I thought.
Oh, no, those are all right, aren't they? Oh, yes. Yes.
Oh, I think everything's all right.
Oh, would you like to have a look?
Handle them very carefully, won't you?
Now, I usually keep a slip of paper about me for the purposes of note-taking.
Oh, no, no. That's my equipment list.
Now, let's see what's in here now.
Oh, no, that's the suggested daily schedule.
What...what a performance!
Let's have a look at this.
Oh, have you finished? Did you enjoy those?
Now, what I'm going to do is to make a note of it on here
and then transfer it later to its proper piece of paper.
Now, I don't mind disorder, but you have to remember that
flexibility is the fourth dimension of good planning.
And the main thing is to make a decision and push on with it.
Now, you see, for the purposes of note-taking, I usually carry a free-flow slimline ballpoint pen...
Pen...
What's he doing now?
He's doing all right.
You get depressed sometimes and begin to believe that there aren't any real old-fashioned idiots left. And then,
out of the blue
comes a genuine 14-carat gilt-edged barmpot like this!
He looks a bit weird to me sitting there with his mouth open. You know...
silent, like.
I've got it. I don't need it!
It amazes you, that, doesn't it?
No, it's just a little trick, you see, that I've perfected
for bringing all the mental powers to bear on the subject in hand.
I call it my little planning sessions.
I thought he were having a stroke.
Oh, no, no. No, you see, I had to remember what I'd done with my little ballpoint, so I had
one of my little planning sessions, you see, played over certain actions in the kaleidoscope of the mind,
and bingo, within seconds, I know exactly what I've done with it. What HAVE you done with it?
I've left it on the bus.
Did you notice I paused for a second back there on the hill?
Throwing a map-reader's eye over the ground.
Just for an instant, but long enough
to recognise that the place hasn't changed much.
Oh, I don't know, there's a kind of sparkle through the beads of perspiration.
How much luggage has thy got, Foggy?
Well, what I suggest is, we take this lot round to Arnold Crescent
and have a breather, then go and collect the heavy trunk from the parcels office.
'Ey-up!
I think we'd better give him a few lessons about my bad back!
Are you sure you've actually left the Army and not brought it with you?
Foggy? Foggy?
Are you there, Foggy?
It began with a B142.
What did? That man's number.
But are you sure?
Not completely, no.
Ooh! No, but...
What are we carting these old bits of wood about for?
They happen to be the nucleus of a unique collection of hand-painted army office door signs.
Oh, you don't say?
But are they worth anything?
Not individually, no.
I see. I don't suppose the doors are in the trunk, are they?
Isn't that right, Foggy?
That man's got a hole in his trousers!
Ah, yeah, it's just his little way of showing his individuality.
39, please, gents. Ta.
No. No, no, no, no.
Don't you pay - I'll pay for the refreshments.
Well, you were good enough to assist me in transit with the baggage, personal lightweight.
What's he on about - lightweight?!
Well, don't forget, we haven't seen the trunk yet.
Is your, er, friend doing anything productive, do you think?
Or is he just having a good scratch?
Here we are... No, no, no, no.
No, nobody buys the first round except Corporal Dewhurst.
Fancy, and to think when he started looking, he was only a private.
Thank you.
That's a real commando's purse, is that.
Napoleon started as corporal.
And he's ended up as a Josephine.
To Operation Swordblade.
What the hell's Operation Swordblade?
No, don't ask me to say any more at the moment.
No, it's just a little enterprise I was proud to be associated with when I was on the active list.
It's enough for you to know at this moment, under alien skies,
a little handful of brave men is still to be found to have made liberty their watchword.
Shall we have a sit down?
Norman, what he's on about?
You know, the western world.
In the balance. Fate of.
Isn't he lovely?
No, it is my intention to transform the current Arnold Crescent
into a small but efficient outpost of all the military virtues.
And if on the currents that move in Arnold Crescent are obstinately civilian?
Yes, well, now, standing orders, reveille 0600 hours.
Oh, that's early. 0630 to 0700 hours, physical training.
And it's a bit like love-making, you know - it's a vice if you practise it alone.
Spend time in your garden.
Not what I've been trained for.
Oh, paint it white if you have to.
You don't paint all of it white -
you just pick out a few of the stones at the edges of the paths and borders.
Come walking with us. Ah!
Now, I've reserved Tuesdays and Thursdays for route marches and other map-reading schemes.
We just pop up the hill and have a fag.
You don't still smoke filthy cigarettes?
You must have lungs like tangled boot laces.
Well, I intend to resist this sloppy process of civilian decay - I have a will like iron.
Well, you'll find that stiff cardboard is more than adequate for today's standards.
I'm a fairly tolerant sort of bloke.
If tha's going to be a non-smoker, I suppose I can get used to it.
Here, I hope you're not going to be one of them chain non-smokers, Foggy,
that can't finish not having one before you start not having another.
Aye. I can take non-smokers in moderation,
but what whittles me is how much longer he's going to be walking about
dressed up like the regimental mascot.
Oh. Oh, don't you provoke me like that.
No, I'm all right now.
I'm all right. Just that I get these...murderous tempers, you see.
No, on the whole, you really shouldn't say anything
to me that you couldn't safely say to John Wayne.
Tha's not like John Wayne.
We're the same height.
People are always remarking on it.
You've never seen him in a hat like that, though.
Look who's giving advice about dress.
Even for a civilian, you're a mess.
And I am at the height of my mental and physical fitness.
I have a body like whip cord.
And I have control, you see,
thanks to this ancient trick I picked up in the East.
Like Mrs Bhattacharya.
Like iron self-control. You great nelly!
You can't even control that piece of string around your neck.
These are my regimental colours.
I will fight any man here who insults these colours.
All right, Foggy...
This is no place to be issuing challenges.
This is something of a sporting pub.
I don't like those colours.
That's my little cousin, Big Malcolm.
How's your mam, Big Malcolm?
Nicely, thank you, Cleggy.
He just got home today, Big Malcolm, he's back from Wales.
Fancy.
And up to now, it's been his lucky day.
Yes, well, I think what we've got here, Big Malcolm, essentially,
is a situation that's still open to peaceful settlement.
I can't do it, Cleggy.
I've got to live in this pub. If there'd been nobody in, we could have had a drink and laugh,
but they've all heard.
I feel that I should warn you that I'm no stranger to the deadly arts of unarmed combat.
Now, listen, little Big Malcolm. Listen to me. Can't tha let him off?
Look at him. I mean, on account of the fact that he's...crackers.
Of course I've sworn never to use these deadly arts for my own personal advantage.
I'd appreciate the loan of this bit of rag round your neck,
on account of some unsteady twit spilling beer on our domino table.
Yes, well, I mean, you see the dilemma I'm in.
Oh, very clearly. I mean, if he provokes me sufficiently to arouse battle frenzy, I could hurt him.
A man of discretion at this stage, Foggy, would almost certainly retire via the concert room door.
Yes, well, it's a matter of honour.
Yes, well, I've give you once last chance to apologise for the rude remarks you've made...
SMACK! Oh!
You've made such a mess!
Oh, oh...
Oh, you've no idea how glad I am I didn't hurt him.
Oh. Oh.
Is he all right, Cleggy?
Oh, nicely, thank you, Big Malcolm.
How long you had him? Just today.
Well, if you can keep him alive,
you might get some mileage out of him.
I can't understand why anyone with a death wish needs so much baggage.
Will tha stop pulling that trunk and try pushing this one?!
To be brutally honest, I'm not too enchanted about getting
my head down so close to your... scandalous civilian hindquarters.
Then close you eyes!
Oh, I'm almost equally at home in the dark.
I've got senses like a cat.
Oh, heck.
He's off again! No, I've got a very low sleep threshold too.
The first snap of twig, and I'm there, balanced on the balls of my feet.
I think I may never drink again without toasting Operation Swordblade.
I wish tha'd stop encouraging him!
Hang on a minute...
Stop, Cleggy. Cleggy!
Cleggy, stop!
I order you to stop!
Like a cat, he says. He's more like a gyppo's horse!
Oh, dear!
Stop it!
I didn't tell you to release the thing, did I? I said stop it, not let go of the damn trolley.
We were acting on our own initiative.
You must remember that flexibility is the fourth dimension of good planning.
Cut me loose, will you? Cut me loose.
There's a knife in this pocket.
Which pocket?
Try the other pocket.
Oh, heck.
Here we go again.
Mind your jumper.
Hey! Does tha think he's allus weird or is it just today?
I think the signs are very promising.
I think the chances are that he's potty on a full-time basis.
I hope that trunk's all right, you know.
I've got a very valuable optical gunsight in there.
It only wants a bit of machining and a ground glass or two.