Suppose this grass is damp.
You'll get a soggy behind.
Ah, sit thee down!
The bottom's waterproof, in't it?
True. Otherwise cups of tea would come straight through.
You can't be too careful.
I've seen men delirious with jungle fever.
'Ey up, we're off again.
Him and Errol Flynn in Burma.
Not much jungle round here till you get nearly to Leeds.
I'd like to see you lot trying to make a camp in a mango swamp.
Hardship? You don't know what hardship is.
But you're going to tell us, aren't you?
Bad for the poetic vision is the fear of lumbago.
We ought to swear an oath to be loyal to each other and reckless of damp grass for as long as we can.
Why don't we swear it in blood? His.
I've had enough of that from you at school.
I remember your oath-taking ceremonies, you evil little monkey.
Talk about Mau Mau!
What I want to know is what you thought were likely to be
the magical properties of blood, ink, spit and cocoa.
It made thee keep thy distance, though, didn't it?
Wouldn't it be sad if you woke up and looked at a summer's day
and your only thought was, "Oh, dear, what now?
"Do I take one of me vests off?"
# Dee dee-dee-dee, dee-dee...
How do, lads?
Have you seen a canoe? What colour?
HE LAUGHS
What colour!
Name's Arnpepper.
Very heavy. Are you sure it's not an unconverted trawler?
He's a right wag, is Cyril.
Oh, put your back into it.
It's like being inside a wooden submarine.
Well, will you take your periscope out of me ribs?!
Well, lads, that's just what we needed - a brisk walk up a hill carrying a lifeboat.
Are you sure his legs are touching t'ground?
Right, swing her astern round to port.
You'll have half a bit of meself.
Gently.
THEY GRUNT AND GROAN
'Ey up.
Eh...
I was going to do 30 miles a day, come out at the Humber, turn left,
and go up the east coast as far as Whitby. What happened?
I fell out!
Well, they're not stable.
How far had you come? A good three miles before it happened.
What I can't understand is how the hell you came to be called Arnpepper.
You've never heard of it, have you?
Nobody else has either, but they're going to.
You're going to put it on the map, are you? I am.
I'm pig sick of being a nonentity.
It's got to stop. I can sympathise.
I can understand the feeling of talent unrecognised and superiority unrewarded.
But what can you do about it, eh?
I don't care what. I'll have a go at owt.
Do you realise that my family goes back for donkey's years?
And they've all been useless heaps.
Have you ever heard of a famous Arnpepper? Have you hell as like.
We've never even heard of an Arnpepper nobody's ever heard of.
We had a bloke called Killigrew in our mob during t'war.
Oh, how very interesting.
Very much to the point, I'm sure.
What a wonderful sense of stupidity he's got.
Well, I thought that were a very funny name, you know, Killigrew.
Oh, gawd.
You see, me first target is the Guinness Book of Records.
But you don't know where you are wi' them.
I set to one weekend and scoffed 14 pounds of brawn and six of haslet,
and they wouldn't even consider it.
You great gannet! What happened?
Oh, don't ask.
I daredn't leave the bathroom until the following Wednesday.
And the wife went back to her mother's.
Even then it weren't worth it. I was too bad to enjoy it.
Oh, ta.
ARNPEPPER CHORTLES
You do find 'em, don't you?
'Ey, will you keep your voice down?
The rules of civilised behaviour require that we do not take the Michael out of a complete stranger
unless it is quite clear that he is both timid and undernourished.
Well, I wish him luck. I think he might just make it.
We'll be able to say to them in years to come, "We met Arnpepper."
"Not THE Arnpepper?" they'll say, and we'll nod smugly.
"What was he like?" they'll say.
"Really quite barmy," we'll be able to tell 'em.
You see, the trouble is finding your true medium of expression.
It's not haslet and brawn, I found that out.
You see, I was going to let our Wilf drive over me in a small car, in front of them from Look North.
But he can't even hit his own gate hole. And it's not canoes.
See, I'm not canoe material.
What are you going to do with it, that canoe?
Take your pace from me.
I've got the helm.
Steady she goes.
'Ey up.
Astern.
Take her astern!
I feel like a pantomime horse.
With chips. Come on, hard to port.
To port!
That's it. I suppose technically at this point we are a vehicle.
Good, I'm shagged. Like a proper vehicle.
Mind the window.
Mind the window!
GLASS SMASHES
Here, would you mind my paint?
How long have you been wearing make-up, then?
Ain't no paint on your walls.
It might be plaster, then.
Why not wait until we get inside and then have your little mutiny?
It's him. Don't shove it! Don't shove it!
Just ease it gently to starboard.
Starboard?! Hark at him! Arrrr!
He thinks he's Long John Plastic.
Forward! Bring it forward!
Eh, where's your parrot, then, eh?
Come forward, then!
'Ey, I can lend you one of me ferrets for your shoulder!
Couldn't we...? I mean, why don't we just put it down?
All right. Move it to larboard.
Who? Backwards, you fool.
Go on, put it down over there. Back.
Go on. Gently does it. Now, watch it.
Take her astern. On the lee side.
Right, that's it. Gently, now.
Righto, Elsie. Come on then, love. Right.
Lower it gently. That's it.
Mind me foot. Ah.
Ah, well.
If anybody's going to trip over it, it might as well be Nora Batty.
No wonder it wouldn't go in, with Left-handed Ludwig here.
You know, I've always wanted one of these things bunging up my kitchen.
Why my house? Because it looks most like a shed.
You know what we've got now, don't you? Fags?
Total mobility. No fags?
They navigated Canada in one of these.
Brought coloured beads and plague to the Eskimos.
The world's going crackers on wheels, and here we are
with the key to thousands of tranquil miles of British pollution.
Well, Arnpepper didn't think so.
Ah, but Arnpepper was too impetuous.
You've got to have the knack.
I mean, look at the way we guided it through that plate-glass window, eh?
Listen.
Listen. I admit that I'm nobody's high-octane dream behind a wheel.
Me revs are invariably sloppy.
But even a mechanical idiot can paddle.
Now, what we have just done, gentlemen,
we have just acquired the ideal form of transport for our situation.
Cast off.
Well, it wouldn't do that in the water, would it?
I mean, you've got to have faith if we're going to go on our... little expedition.
Eh?
What little expedition?
I mean, look at the possibilities for a little expedition.
Mile after mile of waterway. We can get drowned almost anywhere.
We can the way you tip it about!
It capsized once on dry land and straight away you've got me down as a nautical lunatic.
'Ey up, fearless. If we keep off the canals, the rivers won't come any higher than your...
Never mind where they can't come any higher than.
You go and get three cups of tea and then go and rest your head somewhere.
Like a railway line.
Urrrr!
He's off again, Long John Plastic.
A-harrrr, Jim lad!
Oh, dear, slinging his weight about.
You see, even he recognises it, Cyril. You're a natural for command afloat.
Command, him? He couldn't command a ruptured rubber duck.
He's only got one asset, and that's the size of his gob.
Whose gob? His. Oh, his.
'Ey, you talk about mine?
Have you ever seen him eat?
He's got a mouth bigger than the split in t'Labour Party.
Only when I'm hungry.
Aye, he can shift a bit. But me uncle Wallace, now, he could trough.
'Ey up! I'm only small. I mean, he were an heavyweight. Be fair.
Don't worry - we've still got faith in you. I still say pound-for-pound I were a bigger pig than his Wallace.
And you've got my vote. Ta.
Oh, well, then, I'm sorry I said them nasty things just now.
That's all right. You can't hold a candle to our Wallace.
Why, they used to come from all over just to buy him chips.
That could be said to be an infringement of his amateur status.
He only does it for his own enjoyment, don't you? Ha!
He practically stopped the Rudyards' wedding.
At the reception, everything went quiet and they all just stood and watched.
Oh, stop moaning on behind that counter.
He don't half sling the fanny about, don't he?
They've got the only wedding album I know of that doesn't show the bride and groom cutting the cake.
Shows our Wallace taking first bite.
Hark at him! I tell thee, if it comes to the biggest gob, he's got to be a contender.
Who, me?
Right, contestants will come to order.
Eh? A great challenge, having been issued, contestants for the title
of Mouth of the Century will compete in the centre of the ring. Hey, hey!
How are we going to decide it?
By who opens the widest. Er...
Calculated on a scientific basis by how much space remains around the edges of a meat pie
when inserted in said mouth.
I concede. Oh, sit down, Joey Brown.
Now, listen, Norm, don't you let him kid you that his is smaller than it is.
I am not staying here if we're only using one meat pie.
Sidney, I want two more identical meat pies.
They're all identical. I've got a reputation in this street
Aye, I've heard one or two rumours outside of it and all.
Who's paying for these? Loser pays, one with the smallest mouth.
That should encourage you all to try. Wait a minute, we've got to have names.
He's Mr Mouth, he's Mighty Mouth, and I am...Oddgob. Olympic rules.
Judge's decision is final.
Now, on the command "go",
you throw back your heads, open your mouths wide and, with one graceful,
athletic motion, half insert your pie.
Anybody who scoffs his pie off straight away is disqualified.
Any questions?
Yes, Oddgob. Can we put any mustard on it?
No, you cannot put any mustard on it, Oddgob.
Now, I don't want any elbowing or pinching. Let's have a good clean fight, gentlemen.
And the winner will receive the Norman Clegg alloy spoon for mouth manoeuvres and will be entitled
for the period of one calendar year to the honorary form of address, namely Hey You, Big Mouth.
Take your pies in your right hand.
On your marks, get set...
..go!
What the hell are you doing now, you great hunk of stuffed bird brain?!
Look at you. You're not right in the head. Have you gone bananas?
You have, haven't you? You've snapped.
You're going the same way as your Auntie Connie.
There's nowt wrong with me Auntie Connie.
Oh, there were once she come out of the wash house. She's shy.
Look at you, three grown men sitting there with your mouths open, like three stupid ashtrays.
Have you done with them pies? They're not paid for yet.
Oh, well, then, they should be. You don't think I slave away back there so you can pretend you're Oxfam.
It's all right. I'll get 'em. Oh, look at it! The Aga Khan!
Well, the Aga bloody can't, so pack it in!
You know we're saving up for that mobile chip van.
Now, put these chairs straight. What's that map doing on that table?
Get this floor swept, you wipe the counter. Pull down those windows.
It's with great pleasure, Ivy, that I present you with the Norman Clegg alloy spoon for mouth manoeuvres.
Get out!
They're not paid for!
Ah.
Well, fine, fresh morning, Norman.
I think we shall have wind later.
You're looking very north face of the Eiger this morning, Cyril.
I would never take anybody into strange country without the proper equipment.
COMPO YAWNS
I don't know why we couldn't have made an afternoon of it, have a steady paddle somewhere.
I can see that we are going to have trouble with the lower deck.
Well, I like to get up about opening time and savour my advantages over the working class.
What's the good of being unemployed and having to get up at this hour?
The spirit that made our nation great, you see.
If we'd been like him we wouldn't have colonised the Isle of Wight.
Well, not until about dinner time, anyway.
Now, then.
I have planned a route that shows a variety of conditions.
Among which "exhaustion" springs instantly to mind.
Oh, no, no. Not as far as it looks.
I must say, your finger looks surprisingly fresh. Eh?
'Ey, what about paddling uphill? Uphill?!
Well, you know what I mean - the opposite way to how you freewheel.
Freewheel!
Listen, I want you to promise me one thing, that you'll keep your mouth shut if we meet any sailors.
Oh, don't worry, ducky. They're all yours.
First thing we want is some wheels on this thing.
Oh, will you keep in step?
You're doing most of your walking up the back of my legs.
I can't see where your legs are going!
This is a mug's game, this is.
On a day like this, they'll be saying, "Why have those three fellows got that umbrella up?"
Kindly keep an eye on Shorthouse.
We don't want any passengers.
I could get used to canoeing.
It's no worse than malaria.
It wears your cap out!
Now, just a sharp flick with both rudders.
Don't you lay a finger on me!
Mobility, you see.
You couldn't go through here with a cabin cruiser.
Oh... Ah...
No, no, no, no, look. Wait! Wait for me!
Oh, come on! Right.
That's it.
Look. Why don't you go on without me?
I'll bring my end on later.
I think we've struck a rock!
I don't know why it should be my destiny to have for a crew
a pair of left-handed barnyard-footed, ham-fisted, swivel-brained idiots.
Well, nobody's perfect!
All right. Lower it down. That does it.
Forward. Push the bottom!
Hold it.
Now, then. When I say the word, I want you to give it a good shove off.
Now!
Oh, you dozy great plebs!
What did you go and do that for?
You said shove off!
Only till she floated. I didn't say let go.
Well, you let go!
I was watching her bottom.
I can't see to everything!
Of all the dozy things to do.
How could you do it?
It was easy. We just went shove.
COMPO CACKLES Look here, don't just lay there!
Don't just sit there. How are we going to get it back?
Whistle it. You're a figure of authority. You'll have to wade in.
You can get nautically knotted!
You have the wellies on! They've got holes in!
I wondered why you wore them in the summer.
I'm surrounded by inefficiency!
And nettles.
Get that corner, you dozy pillock! Catch it there!
Do you think he's doing this right?
I think he must be, he's keeping dry.
Trouble is, he's got deformed, short arms!
Remind me in future to surround meself only by people
who conform to t'standards of the Brigade of Guards.
Come on!
Tha knows I don't like heights!
Don't worry, we'll be dropping you in a minute.
It ain't much good, him hearing me.
He ain't even got his bloody glasses on. You'll be all right.
I won't be as all right down there as you are up here!
You will. By the time we've lowered you, your feet will be nearly touching the damn thing.
And if you miss, nobody's going to shout at you.
Now, go careful! Careful!
Stop wriggling! You're scraping me back along this bridge!
Keep still! We're doing all the work.
All you've got to do is dangle down there and enjoy it.
Ooh... Ooh, dear. I've split me trousers!
Just keep your eye on the ball, if you'll pardon the expression!
Steady, now! Keep still!
Here she comes. Now, drop him on the count of three.
One! I'm packing in! I resign!
I demand a recount! Two!
It's the simple pleasures that are best. Three! Aaaaah!
You fool! You missed!
You great pair of knitting-headed, flannel-footed, twisted-headed...
HE SPLUTTERS
I told you you were scraping me along that bridge!
You've ruined my complexion.
Well, I wouldn't say that.
It still looks better than your face.
And look at this. Oh, me shirt's all wet.
Well, you don't expect to go canoeing and not get wet, do you?
That's like trying to have a honeymoon by telephone.
I notice you're still dry!
We haven't started yet.
But we shall all be kitted out properly with suitable equipment for the job.
This man thinks of everything.
Our clothing, meanwhile, will be stowed
in waterproof plastic containers, and ride in the boat perfectly dry.
Do I hear cries of, "This man is a genius"?
What...
suitable equipment, Cyril?
Leave it all to Father.
Hey, how long have you had these swimming costumes? They've been all over the world, these.
Well, mine's a bit tight round the Cape of Good Hope.
Listen, Cyril, we're not going anywhere we're likely to be seen?
No, we're to be miles off the beaten track.
Come along, then.
Now then, when I say lift,
I want you all to lift.
OK, ready? Yeah. Yeah.
Lift! That's it. Up she goes.
Lower her gently.
Forward, now. Steady pace.
Do you think the Almighty really sees everything?
Keep moving.
Wait! Board it gently.
Don't pounce on it. You're not strangling one of your ferrets.
I don't strangle me ferrets.
Well, I didn't till I put this damn thing on.
Go on, get in and sit down.
Are you driving? I shall steer from the rear. Oh, you mean where you brains are?
You're best amidships, Clegg. Oh, it's kind of you to say so, Cyril.
Righto. Hold tight, now. OK.
The nearest you'll get to Cambridge is a day trip. Ha-ha-bloody-ha.
Oh, this is idyllic. Worse than work.
That's right, squeeze the last drop of enjoyment out of it.
Little pillock. Have you no soul, man?
Doesn't this mean anything to you?
Don't you feel.... A right twit?
Oh, don't you start!
Am I surrounded by the uncultured?
I don't feel natural undressed.
That is natural!
Not for a lad from Arbitration Street.
I want my jacket on.
I've got no place to put me fags.
Well, nowhere where I feel comfortable. Get some sun on your flesh, man.
I was like a young bronzed gazelle in the Far East.
So what? They're only like long-legged ferrets.
We're not bronzed, Cyril.
We're more like three plastic bottles of milk.
And who is going to see us out here?
Hey! Look! It's the Bluebell Girls! Hey, who's got their handbag with them?!
Hello, sailor!
ALL GROAN
Wait! Hold it.
Now, don't get out until you've got a firm grip
of this rope.
Whoa!
Hey, have you got a firm grip of that rope?
Aye. Ah, OK.
And the fool got hold of the wrong rope! It was thee that give it to me!
I bet you dropped it and slopped it, you potty little herbert.
Let's face it, when it all boils down, you're just an incompetent great boghole.
No, no, no. Credit where it's due.
It's entirely due to Cyril that our clothes are still dry.
The fact that they're floating halfway to Bridlington by now...
All we have to do is to catch a boat. It's not flowing that fast, is it?
How did we win in Burma? He must have been on leave.
We never had any leave, our lot. We was doing the real fighting.
What, Royal chuffing Signals? Chindit, you little hobgoblin!
This lad here penetrated, single-handed,
the defences of some of the toughest unmarried mothers
in Number 6 Sanitary Depot, Macclesfield, didn't you?
Aye. Come on, we haven't got all day.
That was the very password he used.
All right, Lord Nelson, is that a rubber dinghy you've got inside your costume or a spare tyre?
All right, don't panic!
If we're going to have to go home dressed like this, I'll lead you back a quiet way.
Come on.
CHURCH BELLS CHIME