Did you know old Muscroft was dead? I hope they've double-checked, else he'll be back to cause more misery.
They'll be burying him tomorrow so he must be reasonably convincing.
I thought he'd live forever. You can't imagine God wanting him.
You know him. He'll have pushed his way in.
It'll test the vicar having to find something nice to say about him.
I believe under those circumstances
they have a dispensation which allows them to lie.
TOM: Right, Smiler, get yourself a chair.
What am I supposed to do?
Be the audience. Judge the effect of the performance.
See if you can see the lips moving.
My name is Waldo. A funny thing happened to me on the way to the kennel.
What are you waiting for?
To hear about the funny thing that happened on the way to the kennel.
I haven't written it yet! Did you see the lips move?
His lips were moving all the time.
Not him, me! Did you see MY lips move?
I wasn't watching your lips. He was the one that was speaking.
Hey. Can you see MY lips move? Move your bodies and get some of that furniture moved.
One day Waldo and I will be famous, starting with the Huddersfield Fair.
You'll be telling everybody I used to rehearse in your shop.
Hmm, for hire of rehearsal room for, let's see, er... several hours per week...
We're going, we're going!
There'll be nobody there.
Do you think we ought to go to the funeral? Why? He won't come to ours.
Typical Muscroft. Anti-social to the end. What's up with Billy Ingleton?
I've seen this before. You're not supposed to scratch it, but it gets unbearable.
All those years dreaming of knowing Pavarotti. It was bound to get him in the end. Looks like both ends.
Hey up, lads. Hey, come and look at this. Oh, you're going to love it!
If it's his rash, I don't wish to look.
I haven't got a rash. Are you going to have a look or not?
I once had a nasty experience following an invitation like that.
Oh, this is one-off is this.
There she is. Something rare is this.
A prehistoric transit van.
Billy Ingleton's found a fossil.
This is really exciting. I bet Muscroft's having more fun than this.
I bet he's a better colour. Wait till you hear where this one's different.
Just listen to this.
Get ready for this.
ENGINE ROARS
A noisy diesel engine. We could have missed this(!)
Not the engine. Listen to this.
MUSIC: "The Blue Danube"
HOOT-HOOT!
How about that, then? A travelling fairground organ.
And she's mine. All mine.
JUMBLE OF NOTES AND SOUNDS
Well. I'm an honest man. It has to be admitted. She needs a touch of work.
PHWRRRT!
I know what it is. I've got it! Barry, you startled me! I know where I've been going wrong.
Oh, Barry, you've got another woman.
No, I've been going wrong with golf, with the captain. He hates me.
That's better than another woman.
He hates me and it's not my fault. It's always been because I've been involved with other people.
Well, I'm avoiding people who are likely to get me into trouble with the captain.
The solution is - no more people. Cancel all social engagements.
Barry, we've got no social engagements. Good thinking, Glenda.
What's tha going to do when it's finished?
There's a big demand for these.
It's passed ME by. I have yet to meet anyone desperate for a fairground organ.
You don't move in the right circles.
HAMMERING Could you play that bit again, Billy? We couldn't spot the tune.
You will. Jump in and start her up.
You do it! You're the one with music in your blood.
I've got to watch what happens. Just get in the cab, switch on the engine and pull that lever. He means you.
Robin Hood would not have hesitated. Not my area of expertise. But chatting up barmaids is.
I was only explaining how to make her own arrows, with great accuracy.
Was that before or after you fell off your stool? I had a wobbly.
We all thought so at the time.
This is your captain speaking. Are you ready?
I'm ready, I'm ready!
You've left it in gear, you stupid fool.
Nobody said anything about gear.
I'll pull the lever, you stay in the back and listen for an air leak. I can do that. Listening I can do.
Why did he leave it in gear? The man's a muffin.
This is your muffin speaking. Shout when you're ready. We're ready!
MUSIC BLARES
If you'll accept a question from a deaf person -
what's the good of an organ if you can't hear it for the noise of the engine?
All right, then. Plan B. I'll run it from a battery.
Apparently, Billy Ingleton went over 200 miles to buy an old van full of fairground organ.
Oh, the things they do collect. Tell me about it.
Does this fairground organ work? I expect so.
Not that I'm trying to pry under that lovely hat,
but are you thinking what I'm thinking? Well...
I was thinking it could be useful at the Huddersfield fair. It could draw us a crowd.
That hat could draw us a crowd.
I like a serious hat. I like a hat that says "no trespassing".
In my opinion, Mrs Batty, you've cracked it.
Our Roz could have done with a hat like that.
She weren't the type to get away with no trespassing. Took her all her time to keep 'em off the grass.
What do you mean...? Drink your coffee!
Well, if we've got an organ and he can't find a monkey, I know just the person we can use.
Would he be willing to take it to the fair, or shall we have to make him an offer he can't refuse?
Billy Ingleton? Of course he'll be willing.
Besides, he'll be like all men, pining to show it off somewhere.
We'll have to listen to that organ first - make sure it works before we get him involved.
I wish mine had a mechanical hobby.
My Barry's given up ALL hobbies.
He's breaking off all human contact.
They all do, love, when they work for a building society. It's a condition of employment.
Excuse me! I-I need a battery.
I've heard rumours to that effect.
It's to drive an organ. Please. No details. Keep them to yourself.
A fairground organ. Oh, you've no idea what a relief THAT is.
Who told you before I've had time to have the notices printed? Who told me what?
About the gigantic reductions on batteries for driving fairground organs. I...I...I must be psychic.
Consult yourself about how much you're willing to spend.
Oh, money's no object when you're fulfilling a dream.
Not only psychic. Totally potty.
Come in the back, lad,
before you die on me or something.
GRR-RR! GRR-RR!
How long does this rehearsal go on for? Don't ask me. Nobody tells me anything.
Why aren't you in rehearsal? I'm not part of the act.
That young lady, whoever she is, is not part of the act. She is now.
Ah, ha-ha. An agitated Howard. I usually only see that when Pearl's about.
I just hate to see young ladies being led astray by showbiz.
Rehearsal in progress?
He's practising ventriloquism with Waldo.
Then why does he need a young lady?
Listen who's talking.
He says it lends a bit of glamour to the act.
I hate people lending MY bit of glamour to their act.
You'll have to compete, Howard. Be irresistible.
Well, do your best. You'll have to form your own act.
One that needs a bit of Marina's glamour.
Tha could be Ann Zeigler and Webster Booth. She looks a lot like Webster Booth.
What can I do? I can't do anything.
If we pop a ferret in your trousers, you could do Elvis impressions.
An audience already.
And it's all male.
Oh, Howard, show business is so exciting. It looks like it.
What's he staring at?
You've got lipstick on.
Oh, it's Waldo. He's very affectionate.
Waldo wears lipstick? You know what they're like in showbiz.
You try to defend yourself, but she kisses you. Oh, don't tell me, I've been there.
Oh, tha never said. I don't like to talk about it.
ORGAN PLAYS "The Blue Danube"
When I've finished, it won't look like this. It'll look great.
How long will that be? You won't recognise it in a week. A week?!
What have you got in mind? If I pushed her, I could do it in about four days.
- BOTH: Four days? - What's the hurry?
I'll tell you what the hurry is. We need it tomorrow afternoon.
Tomorrow afternoon? Good.
That's settled. Now, get it to play something more recognisably English.
Have you got any more suggestions? Yes.
We suggest you stop chatting and get a move on. We need it tomorrow afternoon.
She's being lured away by the glitter of showbiz.
YOU can glitter, Howard. I saw you once, spraying the Christmas tree.
You were visible in the dark for nearly a week. You need a few sequins here and there,
especially THERE. Tha'll have to lure her back.
But what can I do?
Think of something to lure her back
from the glitter of show business, to the glitter of monkey business.
I can't play any musical instrument. Tha'll have to sing or dance.
Or both. You can do both. Nature has kindly arranged things
so that a person can dance at one end and sing at the other.
"That Howard," they'll say. "Talented at both ends."
Trouble is...the bits in between.
Could I learn to sing and dance?
We can soon find out. Show us a step or two. Here?
Be a little twinkle-toes.
Over there, by the DJ gubbins. Nobody's watching. Give us a turn.
He often gives ME a turn.
I can't do it on my own.
We'll be your backing group. You sing, we do the do-wahs.
I can't do it.
I bet with another drink you could.
I call that almost human.
I don't want to rain on his parade, but it's a fairground organ, not a circus.
He could crack his whip - that'd draw attention.
Or he could crack his FACE! I hate it!
It's YOUR face, love. If you can't stand it, who can?
I don't mean the face, I mean the outfit.
Can he even CRACK his whip?
Not in here! This place is full of antiques.
Antique? I may be growing old but it's only on the outside.
I refuse to grow old. My view is if you can't take it with you, don't go.
I don't miss not being young now.
You nearly missed it first time.
Well, I suppose it's different if you're not doing anything with it.
Not long ago, you felt you could do anything.
Then you marry, find out how useless they are, and have to do everything!
Their incompetence finally forms a bond between you. It's true.
They sneak up on you affection-wise, play on your sympathy. On yours?!
He'd have found it easier learning to play the piano.
You have to maintain the impression that you're not there just for amusement.
Ooh, you pulled that off pretty well.
That's where a lot of us went wrong.
I didn't. I was always afraid they'd find where I'd hid my purse.
He doesn't look as though he ever went far wrong, either.
Won't his trousers get in the way? They're a bit baggy.
The eye of the trained outfitter would never blame the trousers.
He's not filling the available space!
And as it's for charity,
I shall be hiring the costume very reasonably.
I thought you'd be donating it!
I must get a hearing aid. I'm going as deaf as a brick.
# Dream, when you're feeling blue
# Do wah, do wah Do wah, do wah
# Dream, that's the thing to do
# Do wah, do wah, do wah, do wah
# Just watch the smoke rings rise in the air... Do wah!
# You'll find your share... Do wah!
# ..of memories there, so...
# Dream the whole day through
# Do wah, do wah Do wah, do wah
# Dream, and it'll all come true Do wah, do wah, do wah, do wah
# Things never are as bad as they seem... #
I thought he was unnecessarily rude.
Tha's just miffed cos he didn't book thee. He came in just as you were improving.
We were filled with admiration. It's been a privilege to do-wah for you.
All I had to say was do-wah and I kept forgetting my line.
There must be something show-bizzy I can do with Marina.
Tell 'em you've just washed it and you can't do a thing with it.
It ain't easy to crack a whip!
It's Smiler.
It's not often one finds a personality so finely attuned to bad dressing.
It wasn't my idea! No. Only a committee could produce something like that.
Can any of you lot crack a whip?
Oh, not me. I failed conkers. I once had to arrest a lady
who was said to be very accomplished with such equipment.
If I can handle a longbow, I can certainly crack a whip. Give it here.
CLATTER!
Oh, Barry, I wish you weren't going off alone.
Alone is fine. Alone is safe. Being with people is what got me thrown out of golf.
Couldn't you be NEARLY alone and have a few selected friends? No.
I'm going to be...Barry of the Hills, that lone figure sometimes seen on the horizon.
But, Barry, what about me?
You're the woman of Barry of the Hills.
You're the woman Barry of the Hills comes home to.
Keep your home fires burning, kid.
Oh, Barry, I think I could get used to you being alone.
Well, where's he going, then?
That's my Barry of the Hills, a lone figure sometimes seen on the horizon.
You're as daft as he is! It's true. They rub off on you, don't they?
They do. But I always think how much less fun life would be without them. That's true.
Are you ready for the Huddersfield fair, then?
Oh, how are we getting there? Well, I understand we're travelling in style, courtesy of Mr Entwistle.
Oh, who's a pretty van, then?
At least it looks CLEAN.
Hey up, lads! Hey, have a look at this.
I'm so proud
cos they said that I, me, Billy Ingleton would never amount to anything.
They even gave it to me in writing.
I believed them. I took it for granted that I'd be nobody, forever,
that I was doomed to wander the streets
through a cruel world, without recognition.
Even at family gatherings, my dad used to say, "Oh, this is our thingamabob."
And my mother used to say...
"It's our whatsisname."
Obviously my parents didn't want me. But the world should see me now.
# If they could see me now That little gang of mine... #
All right, lads. Don't just stand there. Get in.
All aboard!
I thought you said you'd take us to the fair in style.
In Hull, this is style.
Meanest man in Yorkshire. I thought that was the inspector.
It probably is now. He's on the short-list anyway.
I think it's rotten - her, on her own, at his funeral.
Much as I dislike the inspector, I'd go to his funeral.
Willingly. Inspectors don't die. They retire and are handed back into the custody of their wives.
I feel better already. More than you can say for Mrs Muscroft.
If he was such a pain, why is she weeping?
Must've loved him.
Women are funny that way.
They're funnier than that!
Oh... Oh, it's good, isn't it? Yes.
Oh, this is the life. A man alone in the wilderness puts things in perspective.
Who needs golf?
Oh, stop lying, Barry.
YOU need golf.
Oh, pull yourself together... watch some birds.
Watch some wildlife.
The captain's car!
It is! The captain's car - broken down way out here.
I can help! I could go for petrol!
Steady, my captain! Help is on the way.
This is it - nobody'll ever recognise us under all this.
But how can anyone look glamorous in this lot?
I don't know how you do it, but you do it.
Oh, Howard.
Oh, Marina...
Oh, heck!
Hello, Howard!
I'm coming, my captain!
You again! How dare you interfere when Mrs Rimmington and I were planning our competition strategy?
Oh, really!
She's on her own. Well, he were never going to be popular.
Yeah, but on her own...
Mrs Rimmington kindly pointed out that, er, well, it would be a shame for us to fall out,
especially since you were only trying to help.
And she also reminds me of how impressed I am with your ability as a golfing man.
Me? Yeah, I bet you thought we hadn't noticed.
I don't know what to say. Good thinking.
Why don't we keep it that way?
I mean, it would be unwise to let our competitors know
that Mrs Rimmington and I have these little...planning sessions.
Don't want to put the opposition on their guard now, do we? No! No...
Could I ask if I'll be welcome at the golf club? Welcome?
You?!
Of course you are!
More than welcome! Ohh!
Oh! I...
Oh!
We have entrusted Wilbert to God's mercy, and we now commit his body to the ground.
Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust...
ORGAN PLAYS "Oh, I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside"
In sure and certain hope of resurrection to eternal life...
Sorry about the organ. No, love. It proved a lot of people wrong.
They all said it'd be a QUIET funeral.