KNOCK AT DOOR
Cleggy, can I leave this here a minute?
If it's Marina the answer is no, Howard.
Keep your voice down. It's NOT Marina.
It's just something I don't necessarily want Pearl to see.
Come on, Cleggy, she could come out any minute.
Oh, bring it in, then.
What the heck is that? I'll show you in a minute. Can you give me a hand?
When you asked to leave something here I thought maybe it was going to be something like a small parcel.
You know the sort of thing I mean? Something gift-wrapped. Dainty. Where can I put it?
Well, back outside would be nice.
I can't do that, Cleggy. I'll take it away as soon as Pearl's gone out.
Oh, just put it here then,
and promise me it's not going to grow any bigger.
Aagh!
I-I-I was just wondering.
YOU live on your own. Yes.
I live on my own. Where's this conversation going?
I don't think I want to move in with you.
I'm a light sleeper and I'd hear you being miserable. I wasn't going to ask you.
And there's no room in my place because of all those boxes of medication for my skin condition.
I was just wondering if you felt lonely. Not THAT lonely.
I mean do you miss female companionship? Ah!
Well, if I do all I have to do is think of the former Mrs Truelove
and the pleasures of living alone become immediately apparent.
I get lonely. You miss having somebody you can have a laugh with.
It looks as if you've missed having a laugh by a good margin, Smiler.
You miss having someone for those little feminine things
such as...sewing a button on.
You get rid of it as soon as Pearl goes out. I will, I will.
I don't know why you do these things to me, Howard. Well, if you can't leave something with a friend...
When I think, a few years ago you could have gone to Australia for £10. It would have been worth every penny.
I don't see you in Australia. I don't mean me, I mean you.
Maybe, it's, aha, maybe it's not too late, yeah.
Think how impressed Marina would be if you went off to wrestle crocodiles.
Speaking of crocodiles...
Are you going out, love? I'm going to the dustbin that's how far I'm going out.
Why all this interest in me going out?
Why do you want ME to go out? I don't want you to go out.
I was just saying to Cleggy, I don't care if Pearl never goes out.
We're quite happy together, the two of us.
Well, you handled that really well, Howard.
Even I wouldn't have fallen for a line like that and I buy extended warranties.
Now she's never going to go out.
PHONE RINGS
Mortgage department. Barry speaking.
It's me, Barry. I had to ring you. It's lonely in the house without you.
I've only been at work two hours!
I know you don't like me ringing you at work, Barry, but I think we've reached a crossroads in our lives.
I know I was all right at breakfast. You were there then. I need to fill these lonely hours.
If you're gentle you can clean the car.
I think we should start a family, Barry.
Well, I don't mind starting but...
I'd have something of you at home, Barry.
You know what kids are like, love, they tend to be messy in your car.
I want children, Barry.
Well, I can't help you over the phone.
I want a girl called Natalie.
The object in your path is the property of the object next door.
What's he want with a thing like this? He wants it for Marina.
We had a police sergeant built like that but she's retired now.
Well, I'll say this for this area. It's rich in natural beauty and some real barmpots.
When's he going to get it to Marina? Very soon, I hope. She must like gnomes.
Well, she likes Howard. I mean if you could get Howard a hat like that...
It's true. He'd look grand in a garden, would Howard.
As long as it's not mine.
What time is it? About three minutes later than the last time you asked me what time is it.
Good heavens, is it that time already?
You going somewhere? Not me, love. I thought YOU were. Coffee with the ladies.
That's right. Coffee with the ladies. Sounds nice. You enjoy your coffee with the ladies. Yes, I do.
I'll get your coat. Oh, you needn't bother.
They're coming here.
Oh, that's nice(!)
You get worse things in gardens than gnomes. Any policeman will tell you.
If it's about bodies I don't want to hear.
How can you NOT be interested? Everybody's interested in bodies. The press can't get enough of them.
Is there a connection, I've often wondered.
Did you ever have to dig for things like that? I was Truly of the Yard, lad.
There was one period when I seriously considered getting my own shovel.
He does spin some fiction.
Oh yes, I've done my digging.
You used to read these adverts that said gardening was the Englishman's main hobby.
And I used to think yes. And I know what he's been planting.
DOOR OPENS
Come in, Howard. Don't stand there breathing. It's just a habit. Take your gnome and go.
I can't, Cleggy. That's what I came to tell you. She's not going out.
The ladies are coming to our place for coffee.
Nora Batty's coming here.
You don't think she's started following me? Why not? The finance company does.
I want rid of this gnome, Howard. This has always been a gnomeless zone. OK.
As soon as they're all busy with their coffee I'll give you a knock
and then why don't you hide it somewhere and I'll pick it up later.
I've got to go - she gets suspicious.
You want the advice of an old policeman, Howard? Keep the gnome, lose Marina.
Just be careful with it. It's the only one of its kind in existence.
Go! Before we bury you in the garden.
You look far too cheerful.
Have you thought of going for counselling?
Why don't we get Wesley's Landrover?
Get him to park it near the house and when the ladies are busy...
Put your handbrake on, Mother.
Handbrake? Your father never said anything about a handbrake.
It's that thing there. Oh, that thing. I never bother with that.
I have enough trouble with this damn thing here.
Where are we going, Mother? Don't ask me.
Where's Our Edie going? I don't know but aren't you glad we didn't get a lift?
It sometimes takes her three tries before she can make it behave and sit.
If she's not here soon I'll put the kettle on.
It's our Glenda I feel sorry for. Your Edie didn't ought to be on the road.
- Half the time she's not! - No, she's on the pavement. And she accuses ME of going off the rails.
SAWING
Anybody home? Are you there, Wesley?
Who is it? It's The Hawk.
Go away, Billy, I haven't time. Hey, less of the Billy. When I'm on duty it's The Hawk.
Where's your Robin Hood outfit? Oh, I've had to modernise.
You're laughed at for wearing tights.
Anyroad, if Our Robin were alive today, THIS is what he'd be wearing.
Our Robin? Family. On me mother's side.
I heard you were having difficulty finding any merry men.
Ah, The Hawk laughs at difficulties.
Anyroad, we were doing fine until Friar Tuck's missus wanted him home for his tea.
So you just do days now? Temporarily.
Listen, you'd be handy in't greenwood. We could do with a mechanic. For what?
General maintenance. Maid Marian's microwave.
You've got a Maid Marian? I'm sorry. I'm sworn to secrecy when it comes to operational details.
Hello, it's The Hawk. The Hawk laughs at danger.
Until his missis finds out about Maid Marian. Big gob!
Looking very military, Billy. It's in the blood.
Direct descendant of Robin Hood. On his mother's side.
The Hawk laughs at not looking military.
Robin Hood's mother was a Bristow.
There was a Bristow used to run a chippy. Not THAT Bristow.
Must have made life easier in the greenwood. Send in your orders every night by flaming arrow.
One of each - salt and vinegar - 94 times.
I think I've been behind him in the queue.
What DID they wrap hot chips in before newspapers?
The Hawk laughs at hot chips. They'd have had serfs who were FORCED to carry hot chips.
That's where the art of juggling comes from, ooh, ooh.
Wesley, we need you and the Landrover. We've got a gnome to move.
Gnome? Why do you need transport for a gnome? Because it's never learnt to ride a bicycle.
Park beyond the house, Wesley, so we won't be seen. I see. One of them sort of gnomes.
Where are we taking it to? Anywhere. Marina's.
Gets worse by the minute. Don't panic.
Howard swears her bite's not septic. Now, you get the back down. We'll fetch the gnome.
I-I'm not sure The Hawk ought to get involved with garden gnomes. It's sending the wrong message.
I think he's right. I hate carrying gnomes. People think it must be Freudian.
You want it out of the house, don't you? Oh, I do. I want it far away.
Although the one we really ought to be transporting is Howard.
People will soon be going to Mars and he hangs about next door to me. Poor Howard.
You wouldn't really send him into space? No?
If he finds himself lashed to a stick in a bottle on bonfire night he'd better hope I'm out of matches.
# I wanna be happy
# But I won't be happy
# Till I make you happy too
# Life's really worth living, When we are mirth-giving
# Why can't I give some to you? #
You're supposed to be doing it quietly. You didn't tell us it was musical, twithead.
You must have knocked its switch.
In future I'm always going to carry matches. You're right. He'd look great in a bottle.
Howard, what have you got under there?
I was just asking that.
It'll be nothing useful. They're not big on useful.
- No, they're not saying what it is either. - It's not a dead pedestrian, is it?
You didn't hit anybody, did you? No, I did not.
I don't believe my Barry has one.
Where are you taking it? Into Cleggy's, of course.
Hoi!
They don't need you.
You see some funny things under a sheet but, oh...
And some of us more than others.
- Makes you wonder what it was. - Oh, you never know with men. They find interest in the weirdest things.
You can say that again.
Whatever it was, they had guilt written all over 'em.
Possibly an item of furniture.
They wouldn't buy furniture. They wouldn't buy anything so useful.
It's got to be something to play with.
Then they get fed up and it finishes up in your spare bedroom.
Over my dead body.
- When he got too playful mine used to finish up in the spare bedroom. - Oh, yes.
Oh, I always enjoyed a cuddle. Didn't you lot enjoy a cuddle?
I enjoy a cuddle. Drink your coffee.
How can you cuddle and maintain discipline?
Oh, I'd miss my Barry.
Not if you got an electric blanket.
And you can switch them off.
No, it'll be something foolish under that sheet. Never anything practical.
My Barry's quite practical.
Since when? He was all thumbs last time I met him.
- Well you make him nervous, Mother. - Me? Oh, rubbish.
It's your father I make nervous.
# I wanna be happy... #
Oh, nice one, Billy. # But I won't be happy... # No, not back inside!
# Life's really worth living When we are mirth-giving
# Why can't I give some to you. # Find the switch!
There must be a switch.
Well, it's not its nose. Look at me - a grown man, twisting a gnome's nose.
How do you think The Hawk feels? Try his buttons.
# ..happy too. #
He sounds cheerful enough. Has he got a drink problem?
# ..make you happy too
# Life's really worth liv... #
It's the belt buckle. You press the belt buckle.
Don't give me the gruesome details. Go and get Howard. Howard? Small bloke. You can't miss him.
He looks the kind of idiot who buys gnomes. Why do we need him?
It's HIS gnome. Where does he want it to go? And get a move on. I'll go.
I shouldn't be messing with gnomes.
Why don't you keep it quiet? Why did you have to pick a gobby gnome?
What were all that noise?
Noise? Oh, don't give me that innocent bit.
They do. It's a bad sign when they give you that innocent bit.
Did you ask them about that noise? Because if their ears turn red they're lying.
NOW she tells me.
It sounded like singing. Very bad singing.
Oh, that? You mean the singing? Yes. What was it?
This is no time to stop being gobby. Tell her, Howard.
Oh, after you. It seems only fair. It were me and him. We were doing our little act.
Act? With him?
He's great. Lovely little mover. Natural sense of rhythm. Him?!
We're going to have to show her, Howard. Go on.
One, two and follow me. Some people really know how to drop people in it.
Don't be shy. He's been practising. You'd think it was Ginger Rogers.
# I wanna be happy
# But I can't be happy
# Till I make you happy too
# Life's really worth living When we are mirth-giving
# Why can't I give some to you? #
Well, maybe Roy Rogers.
How about Trigger?
You never realise how insanity can be set to music.
Hey up, is that the time already?
We'll have to dash. Say goodbye, Ginger.
- Mr Hardcastle is surprisingly flexible at the hips. - It's their heads that's loose.
I'll be off. Your time's not your own in the catering trade.
Have you got anything for ladies who feel lonely around the house? You must be psychic.
Fate sent you here. How could you know I've just acquired the very thing? What is it?
If you give me a minute I'll think of something. How lonely is this person?
Well, it's when I'm not there really. Glenda feels lonely when I'm not there.
Has she got a radio? She's got everything like that. So how come she's so lonely?
You'd better come inside. We'll see what we can find.
I don't want anything too... Don't say anything you'll regret.
This is your partner, remember. Your life's companion.
If she doesn't like it, will you exchange it? You haven't bought anything yet.
You're not exactly throwing yourself recklessly into this operation, are you?
She doesn't even know I've got it for her yet. You haven't told her?
You were just going to hit her with this unsolicited gnome?
It was going to be a surprise. Well, it was to me. What was wrong with perfume?
She's got perfume.
I hope tha told the missis it was aftershave. It IS aftershave. On your collar?
Shaves his collar. Interesting.
Hello. Could I speak to Marina, please?
Who am I? Oh, just tell her it's a close friend.
Oh - she's not available. Well, could you pass a message, please?
Would you tell her that a close friend has bought the gnome she admired?
That's correct.
Yes, a gnome. It's the only one of its kind in existence.
And he's having it delivered to her home.
Here we go.
I think we're being followed. I hope it's only the police.
Well, they're wearing funny hats.
Hey up, Wesley,
we're being followed. Your Edie and the vice squad. Our lass?
That's trouble. Only if they catch us.
Where are you going? Back to town. Emergency planning. Rule One. Get sneaky.
We've got to get rid of the gnome.
They said a close friend had bought me a gnome.
YOU must be a close friend. Not necessarily, no.
You needn't be shy after going to all this trouble.
Also a cart loaded with furniture.
Good heavens, you'd think we were setting up house together.
They've seen us carrying something under the sheet. They'll want to know where it's gone.
Good thinking, Wesley. Panic suits you.
You gave me a lift. We'll say I was out in the hills admiring nature and you gave me a lift.
Who is this total stranger? Never seen him before. Come on! How often do I ask a favour?
You see, I was thinking more along the lines of... She wanted company, you said. She'll love it.
You're never alone with a gnome. No, well, I shall never be alone with this one.
It's embarrassing. Er, the other thing, of course, is its extreme rarity.
Where else do you find a gnome this size? Rarity? Certainly. A one off. Extremely rare.
The only one of its kind in existence. Oh, well!
If it's extremely rare...
Of course I can't be responsible for forgeries. Excuse me, I think that's my telephone.
Another close friend. It never rains but it pours.
Wesley Pegden!
They've gone. You've got to be quick! - Well, they must have left in a panic.
Maybe it's innocent and they've nothing to hide. - That'll be the day!
- Well, we might as well have a look at it. - It's not really our business.
That's true.
How do we get at it?
I don't know whether I've still got the use of my limbs.
Well, that'll be a relief in certain quarters.
Are you ready?
Here we go.
Has it gone?
Has what gone?
They didn't say, just that it was dangerous.
You'd better hide under the sheets, they said.
Subtitles by Subtitling Unit, BBC Scotland. 2001.