A monkey on both ends! Now, there's a novelty.
CRASH!
"Message inside.
"Ring me now on the telephone. Invite me round.
"Yours, Howard."
Now, who would have thought that that was from Howard.
What's he feeding you on?
Can't you find summat useful to do? I've tried that.
Useful is usually really boring. You WERE going to tidy up the wash-house.
How come you always think I'm lying except when I promise to do something like tidy the wash-house?
Life is so unfair, in't it?
It's one of the few pleasures you can rely on.
Do you think I ought to leave the house? Suppose I get a phone call?
Why should you? Who's going to ring YOU?
At home...where your wife might answer.
It could be someone trying to sell me double glazing. If they've seen you they'll know you'll buy it!
I've no idea what you mean.
I'm not saying I ALWAYS get phone calls it's just sometimes you get a feeling you MIGHT get a call.
PHONE RINGS
Hello? (..It's Norman Clegg.)
Right. Right.
He wants me to pop round. I wonder what Cleggy wants?
Maybe to sell you double glazing.
It's funny how you knew that phone were going to ring.
Do you think I could be psychic? Psychiatric is closer.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Ah! It's...ah!
What a surprise(!) Come in, Howard.
I'm dying to learn why it is I've invited you here.
You can understand how things are. I have to plan things carefully.
I've never understood these manoeuvres. I found marriage tricky enough for TWO players.
Relax, Cleggy, you are in the hands of a master.
AND I hate removing messages from the navel of a monkey.
It's not the sort of thing a neighbour should be required to do.
It's enough to reconcile you to things like e-mail.
What's this? That's your badge. Ba...?
Badge!?
If this entitles me to all the facilities of Marina I refuse, on the grounds of cowardice!
For the hiking club. You've just started this hiking club.
I've started a hiking club? It's just that it looks better coming from you.
O.A.F?
The Outdoor Activities Fellowship.
Oaf. You've started something called Oaf?
Oh, I never thought of that. It's too late now, I've had the badges printed.
I suppose there are ladies in this club? Well, you have to have ladies.
It's against the law not to have ladies these days.
It's not against the law not to have the kind of ladies YOU have.
I think the club ought to be open to anyone keen on healthy outdoor activities.
Oh, I understand she's keen on that, all right.
How does that look, Cleggy?
You're wearing a badge that says Oaf. It looks just right, Howard.
Now I can go home and tell Pearl that you've just enrolled me into your Outdoor Activities Fellowship.
An organisation to which I'm proud to belong.
Morning, Billy. Ah, Truly. Just the man! Tha were at school same time as me.
It turned out some real brainboxes, didn't it? I don't think any of us went on to split the atom.
Trousers. We could split trousers. There were this lad we called Squirm.
I'm trying to remember his real name.
Well, what did he look like? Just a general description.
Like the rest of us - short-haired and scruffy.
The old school uniform. I remember it well. Why did we call him Squirm?
He were always doing this.
I used to arrest people in Soho for actions like that. Why did he do that?
Woolly underwear. Cast thee mind back. Woolly vest and underpants were killers.
The very thought of it made you want to...
Makes you wonder how many kids died from too woolly underwear.
Oh, we've certainly come to the right place, Waldo.
Oh, hello, Tom. We've heard the rumours but I admire the honesty.
Here, you! What's this? Why did you take it down? It makes it more believable.
You, Howard, are unbelievable! I think your cap must be stressing you out.
Why do you walk about with that dead dog?
Look who's talking. I've heard your missis asking the same question.
How are you, Mrs Batty?
Quite well, thank you, Mrs Simmonite.
It's Avery, Mrs Batty. Mrs Avery.
In MY day it would have been Simmonite.
SWISHING
School? You remember, Smiler?
That place where we all went to catch impetigo. You remember school, Smiler,
you were tallest in the class. We climbed you to get up conker trees. Course I remember school.
Does tha remember a lad called Squirm?
Is this a trick question?
I don't do trick questions. They make your brain ache. That must be a comfort, just knowing it's there.
All we're asking is, do you remember a lad called Squirm? And if so, what was his real name?
I don't remember any Squirm.
He were always doing this.
No, it was more...
No, no, no, in, in my opinion it was more, er...
Can you hear the music? Or have I just gone deaf?
Come on, Smiler, tha must remember Squirm. What was his real name?
Squirm? A lad they used to call Squirm? He was a Munsey. Came from Upperthong.
His grandfather kept a parakeet. Why do you want to know?
You just wonder what happened to people.
Their Clarence went to Australia. Looking for another parakeet, I shouldn't wonder.
Yes, they've settled in. Well, SHE's settled in. I've rarely seen anybody MORE settled in.
Well, she's certainly tidied things up.
Not everything. She's still an Avery and he's a Simmonite.
These days they don't stay together long enough to learn each other's names!
She's quite fanatical about her polishing. She goes overboard.
Who'd have thought to see that house in such sparkling condition? Oh, it doesn't seem natural, somehow.
They should have kept it scruffy, as a historical monument.
Hey, she was in yesterday.
She comes in regular.
Not with him. Sometimes with him.
He smiles a lot. That's not right. Yes, you can always tell when they smile a lot.
The decent ones are much more miserable. Oh, you get some funny people in here.
They're funny before they came in. It's a funny world these days.
I get a lot more trade when they're between marriages and the men are having to eat out a lot.
I'm not saying that I approve, but my bank manager's much happier.
I know how you feel.
I think Tom's getting restless.
Nobody's moved for the last twenty minutes.
If you'd kept quiet we were going for thirty.
Is this what you do? You just wander around at speeds like this?
Oh, we're not always this active. Quite often we just take it easy.
Relax, tha'll have a coronary.
You could drop dead round here and nobody'd notice the difference.
That's true. There was a dead Mr Coultard didn't get spotted 'til a week the following Thursday.
To be fair, he was wearing a cap.
And he was in a queue at the Post Office.
And even then those closest to him didn't believe it. Claimed that was normal.
You're going to have to adjust if you want to settle down here.
Settle down? I never thought I'd be as settled down.
Ever since we got the house there's been no stopping my associate, Mrs Avery.
She led me to believe that she was a wild, untameable free spirit.
Now look at her. She's gone domestic mad.
When I left her she was turning her hand to filo pastry.
I used to be a nomad, a-a hunter/gatherer. Now look at me.
A permanent address, surrounded by filo pastry.
I know what you mean. I get these urges for the wild woods.
Of course, I'M a direct descendant of Robin Hood.
It's true.
I don't think I'd ever be comfortable with a wild, untameable free spirit.
Takes practice. It's all in the grip.
It was bad enough when that ladies' hockey player showed me her scar.
The house is spotless. She made me throw away so much old stuff.
I don't know what I would have done if Barry hadn't let me keep a few things in his garage.
They get you used to spotless, then even if you meet Maid Marian you'll be back with your washing.
Tom.
SPLASH!
Aaaah! CRASH!
Barry! What is it, love?
Nothing's happened to the new car? Nothing's happened to the new car.
There's a goat in our garage.
There's a what? There's a goat in the garage.
How can there be a goat in the ga... Oh, you, you're having me on.
A real goat? A real goat. What do you know about it, Barry?
Tom Simmonite asked if he could put things in our garage. Things? It's a goat! I thought it'd be boxes.
Get rid of it, Barry. How do I get...? Now! Goat.
Brush up your goat, Barry.
Don't open the door too wide. Don't let it get out. All right. So...
I grab this goat. Then what do I do with it?
You put a lead on it and take it back to Mr Simmonite. ..OK.
How big a goat?
GOAT BLEATS Wow! Big goat.
Just do it, Barry.
Oh, oh, come, come here! Come, let me grab... Oh!
Don't PLAY with it, get hold of it.
Ouch!
Mrs Simmonite?
There IS no Mrs Simmonite. Or let's put it this way, if there is, I'll kill him.
Well, the fact is, I'm looking for Mr Simmonite.
I know the feeling. We believe he now lives at this address.
He does. And we're not moving again.
Well, Mr Simmonite is behind on his payments on several items and I'd very much like a word with him.
Who? Mr Simmonite. Never heard of him.
When will he be in?
How DARE you come round here bothering a poor old widow woman who lives alone.
OK. We've come this far, now what? We all enjoy the view. You're not even looking at the view.
You're having a zonk.
To the casual observer it could look like we're having a zonk. It does.
It really looks like you're having a zonk.
Wouldn't fool the trained police observer.
He'd notice that while our eyes may appear to be closed,
we're squinting against the sun while admiring the view.
You can't see the view from there.
We're long-sighted. Especially Billy. Look how long he is.
We think it's because his legs never knew when to stop.
The missis has a mouth like that.
Maybe she got the idea from your legs.
Oh damn! Don't say it's self-inflicted.
All right. Done this. What's next?
He's sensation mad. Hyperactive!
Hyperactive? Feels more like rigor mortis. Just like his father.
Couldn't keep still. You only had to look at the wear in his trousers, although it wasn't advisable.
He did a lot of his training opposite Nora Batty's brush. A little dynamo.
He would be. It's in the blood. I've got his genes.
My God, man, you can't wear those.
His chromosomes.
You can't have, else you'd be climbing that tree.
He'd climb that? Makes you wonder if Tarzan didn't come from here.
He could never resist a tree. Come to think of it, he could never resist anything.
Did he ever fall?
Oh, yes, he often used to fall. Said it was half the fun.
Course, you have to have a gift for it. It's not something anybody can do.
Somebody hold Waldo.
Aah. Does he bite?
Come on. That's a good goat.
See, I'm just taking you home. I'm not going to hurt you.
Now, no, no, this way, this way. This way.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, no!
Hey, where are you...! No! No...!
CRASH!
I told you I could do it. He'd be proud of you.
We all are.
Good view is it? It's high, up here.
Yes, he noticed that.
How did he get down? Oh, I shouldn't follow in his footsteps there.
Ah, ah, he was better at going up.
Having said that, he was faster coming down.
I think I'm stuck.
Yes, he used to say that. Just like his father.
It's uncanny.
Can someone get me down?
Hang on a minute. Hold on! Whoa.
What have you got there, Barry?
It's a goat, Mr Pegden. Looks more like it's got you.
Could I leave him in your shed, until I have a word with Tom?
You can leave him in if you can get him in.
BANGING Hold it. Hold it.
I AM trying to hold it, Mr Pegden.
METALLIC CRASH
It's not short of acceleration.
METALLIC THUMPING
Sounds like the main bearing's gone.
THUMPING CONTINUES
I wonder if you could direct me. I'm looking for a Mr Pegden. Mr Pegden, Mr Wesley Pegden. Aye.
I've just come from there. Now, follow me, it's just here.
Come on.
Get in.
What are you doing with Tom's goat anyway? I'm trying to give it back to him. We'd better go and find him.
Mr Pegden? Yes? Oh, have I had trouble finding you.
I was told you might know the whereabouts of a Mr Tom Simmonite.
We're just going his way. You're in luck, lad. Ah, I've heard that before.
I wonder if I might follow you in my vehicle. Certainly, lad. Any friend of Tom's...
Ah, Wesley. Bring your ladder. We need to rescue Tom. Where is he?
Some fool talked him into climbing up a tree.
Here, who's that?
Friend of Tom's. He's coming with us.
Oh, not only a rescue, but a reunion.
Two reunions. He's going to get his goat back.
Why the Park, Howard? Well, I want to try this little ploy.
Mother warned me about this. I just didn't think it would take so long.
It's a little trick I've got up my sleeve. The mind boggles.
I know this is a public place, but if we see anybody coming that might know us,
we use the binocular defence.
You see? A little innocent bird-watching.
And nobody but nobody can see your face.
That's it, Howard? That's the ploy?
That's the trick you've got up your sleeve?
I know you're thinking what a terrifying natural cunning I have, but don't worry,
I've sworn only to use it for peaceful purposes. Look out! Eli's coming.
(What do we do now, Howard? Just keep it up.
(At least he never recognised us.)
What are we looking at, Eli?
Beats me. You'd better ask Howard and Marina.
I hope my Barry's all right. He's out somewhere with a nanny goat. I expect mine is too.
Couldn't you suggest a hamster?
There seems to be a link between men and other creatures.
You just wish they wouldn't bring it in on their shoes. I think some women are just as daft.
They treat their pets better than their husbands.
I don't find that so hard to understand. And SHE'll know. She's treated plenty of husbands.
It's just a shame that some of 'em weren't her own. Oh, Edie.
If they're only on loan, you don't have to keep putting paper down.
How do you mean? Drink your coffee.
I used to think I'd like summat that would be a source of amusement.
Then I realised I'd got one.
I occasionally get asked for goat's milk. What do you tell 'em?
I tell 'em to sit down. They'll be asking for a gypsy with a fiddle next.
Should your Barry be out with goats when he works for a building society? He's just returning it to its owner.
I wish mine would.
He's just like his father. Never could get down. I'm not going up again. ..Who's that?
Friend of yours, looking for you.
Mr Simmonite? I'm from the collection agency.
Oh heck, it's the repo man. Nice friends you are.
Where's he going now? It's a matter of £314.17, Mr Simmonite.
Just like his father.
I feel a fool holding this dead dog.
Why don't we put Waldo down...
em...somewhere unsafe.
Oh, Waldo.
I'd no idea.
I never even felt a bump.
If there's anything I can do?
Just go.
Pretend you've never seen me, I'll try to forget.
It's Pearl and that lot.
We'll have to hide in Wesley's shed.
Oh! Oh, Howard!
Get it off! It's all right, Marina.
Oh, Howard, quickly!
I'm trying!
BLEATING
Just helping that lady catch her goat.
Subtitles by Subtitling Unit, BBC Scotland. 2001.
email us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk