I knew it. She's wiped my paintwork.
So? I'm lying in bed and I'm thinking, "I'm here, her next door. We could be lying on a beach!"
And tha's wiping paintwork!
Why would I lie on a beach with you?
Tha bought that fancy bikini. Tha might as well give it an airing.
I'll give you an airing in a minute!
Just an idea. I'm in a holiday mood. You've never been in anything else!
What about me and thee and a weekend in Blackpool?
Apart from that being the worst idea I've ever heard, how could you afford a weekend in Blackpool?
I'd sell summat. I've got all sorts of genuine old stuff in here.
Who wants to buy dead ferrets?
Do I take that as a no?
I wouldn't go away with any man. Even if he wasn't scruffy!
Scruffy?!
That's nice!
I never made any comment about your bikini!
Cleggy?
Howard? Whatever it is you're going to ask, the answer is no.
It's all right, Cleggy. This one won't get you into any bother.
I've got this new tactic. I'm playing things really crafty.
That sounds like bother for a start. You're not good at crafty. Your talent is more for incompetence.
You know how Pearl is. She thinks I'm always trying to sneak out.
I wonder where she got that idea from.
This is the clever bit, Cleggy. I'm changing tactics totally.
I'm going to stick to her like glue until she's glad to throw me out.
It's applied psychology.
What do you need me for? I want you to come round and ask if I'm coming out and I'll say no.
Don't lie to me, Howard. I'm your main link with freedom.
I'll make sure that she hears me say I want to stay in.
That'll baffle her and start getting her worried.
It's getting ME worried! If I ask if you're coming out,
you're not gonna grab your cap and come?
No!
I'm going to make a big issue of wanting to stay in with Pearl.
Maybe it's that bit.
Why should it be that bit? Just a policeman's instinct.
It's rubbish. That bit's not even a moving part. This machine's clapped out!
Wesley, I thought you liked a mechanical challenge.
I like a fair fight. Whose lawn mower is it, anyway? It's mine.
You haven't got a lawn. That doesn't mean I can't recognise a bargain when I see one.
A bargain? Ask Auntie Wainwright.
Auntie...? You're not going to doubt the word of an old lady?
You went to Auntie Wainwright's for a lawn mower?
No, actually, I was just passing.
Go on, Cleggy! Knock on the door and ask for me. And you're gonna say no, you don't wanna come out?
Right. If you're lying to me, Howard!
Cross my heart!
I'm a soft touch. Everybody knows that Clegg is a soft touch.
It's amazing how the word gets around.
Oh, yes, it's you, then, is it?
What's this? What are you plotting between the two of you today?
Plotting? You're talking to someone who failed elementary lying!
Go on, let's have it.
What's the latest move?
I was wondering if Howard was in.
I've been wondering if Howard was altogether in for years!
It's for you!
For me? Goodness gracious, who can that be?
Oh, it's you, Cleggy. What a surprise!
I was wondering if you were going to come out, Howard.
No, Cleggy. Thanks all the same. But I think I'd rather stay in with Pearl.
Sometimes it pays to count your blessings, Cleggy.
You look round at this snug little nest your wife's made for you
and you think, "This is where I belong."
(Don't overdo it, Howard.)
How long has Howard been not going out?
Since this morning. It's Plan B.
You've got to give him points for trying. And for being a duck egg!
Speaking of which, will you come down before you fall?
You're worried about him falling? At one time you would've pushed him.
I'm worried about him falling, making a splash and we all get wet!
They say policemen don't care(!)
Ze human fly never falls, except for ze Nora Batty!
Is he with you? Never seen him before.
I did some mileage on the bridge here before. This is where we had the duels.
Duels?
Thumpy dub. Thumpy dub? That takes you back a bit. I don't remember it.
Has tha never played thumpy dub? No, I think you've got me there.
I've had some funny skirmishes with the former Mrs Truelove, but we never played thumpy dub.
And if we did, I wasn't aware of it.
Was marriage like that for you, too?
I could never understand half of what was going on.
We got a padded stick and faced each other on a bridge. We used to knock each other into the water.
That was thumpy dub? Aye. No wonder it never caught on.
You never can tell.
Honeymoons did.
It did catch on. We all used to do it.
When you say "all", you mean the shaven-headed, grunt and ringworm faction? That was only the girls!
Everybody played it. I never played it.
There was a war coming. I figured that would be enough excitement.
He's made it up. Thumpy dub!
Rubbish! I were the champ, the thumpy dub champ!
Me and Doggy Barnes. We had three falls each.
He knocked you in the water three times? I knocked him in. You were in the water three times? So what?
Didn't leave you with a taste for it. You've not been back that often. And lose all my natural oils?
Remind me never to go near him with a naked light.
I've got skin like a 20-year-old.
You've just been folding it badly.
It's supposed to be non-iron.
He were twice as big as me, were Doggy Barnes, but I were quicker.
Thumpy dub. I've never heard of it. He's made it up.
Everybody's heard of it.
State your business from a safe distance and be done!
Hey-up! Whatever happened to being polite to customers?
You're not so much a customer. More like a cyclical recession.
I'll take that as a compliment.
Listen. I'm going to say summat to you and I want thee to tell me what it reminds thee of.
And I'm going to say something to you. Just be careful here!
It's nothing personal. Come on!
Thumpy dub!
You see? She knows what it's about.
Hey-up! There's Eli.
Eli!
Over here, Eli!
Oh, there you are!
It's a roll of lino, Eli.
Are you sure? It was just talking to me.
Probably makes as much sense as anybody else round here.
Eli, does tha remember thumpy dub?
Do I remember thumpy dub?
Stand aside! Boom, boom!
Boom, boom, boom, boom!
Steady on!
She remembers thumpy dub.
I bet Wesley remembers.
Why do we need to bother Wesley? He'll be busy.
Never stopped you before. I don't like interrupting people at work.
He could be lying. Wesley used to like thumpy dub. He'll remember.
She's not ready yet. I told you,
she's clapped out. I don't know why you bought a clapped-out relic.
Who bought it? He did.
Probably a case of mistaken identity.
Where did he buy it from?
Auntie Wainwright's.
LAUGHTER
It was a bargain.
Tha's not got a lawn!
Maybe it IS a case of mistaken identity. Maybe he thought he was buying a coffee-grinder.
She hasn't the power.
I know what I'm doing. I shall be able to resell that machine and make a handsome profit.
Never!
The thing is, why should I want to take it back?
Because it's clapped out. Wesley said so. He's overlooking the finer points.
Don't return it. Auntie Wainwright will sell you something else!
He daren't take it back. OK, big mouth, you take it back! Why should I take it back?
Don't look at me. I ask to be excused on compassionate grounds.
I could pay a slight commission.
How slight? Get my money back, a fiver. Ten. Done.
Norman Clegg, that was, and various assorted males!
Tell her I'm contagious, that I've got this deadly lawn mower disease.
She reminds me of the Monster of Hackney Wick.
Feasible.
Except, of course, he was Bulgarian.
Yes?
I'd like two of your delicious vanilla slices to take away.
Could you put them in a box?
A box? Where do you think you are? Harrods?
Hey! I wonder if Marina wants to buy a lawn mower.
She has this gentleman friend who cuts it for her every week. Does Howard know?
It is Howard.
We always came this way before we were married.
Didn't seem to be so muddy then.
You never worried about mud in those days. You were in love. Not with mud!
We should do this more often. I think this is really romantic.
People could still see us. We're lawfully married, Barry.
That's a wedding licence, not a licence to go mad!
What's Eli doing? Barry, you don't think he's going to jump?
Do I remember thumpy dub? I was a wizard at thumpy dub!
Eli, come down!
I'm coming, I'm coming! LOUD SPLASH
What's wrong with it? It don't work.
I can't be responsible for all the ill treatment once it's left these premises. He wants his money back.
He wants his money back? That's a wicked thing to say to an old lady! Suppose I had a heart attack?
Tha needs a heart first.
How long have you had that jacket? Aren't you due for a new one?
Can't afford it. Not till he gets his money back. That's hard luck for both of us.
It's no good if it don't work. No good? Let's look at this logically.
Right. Then can he have his money back?
How long a week does a lawn mower actually work?
Tha's lost me already. How often does your average man cut his lawn?
Once a week. How long does it take? An hour.
For the rest of the week, a lawn mower is stuck in a shed.
So?
So that lawn mower is perfectly good for all but one hour a week.
He can't expect his money back. One out of 168 is not bad.
Why do you keep following me around?
It's togetherness that makes a marriage, love.
Sit down!
Sit there and don't move!
Tha'll have to try and sell it to somebody else.
You can't bring that in here. We'll keep him quiet. Not him, that thing!
I don't want oil over my carpets. Take it out. They'll be bringing JCBs here next!
Let's go. He's prejudiced against lawn mowers. There's tables outside. Sit there.
Out!
But, honeybun... Don't honeybun me! Go!
If we did manage to sell it, do we still get our commission?
Yes. You're worse than Dick Turpin!
What do you mean, "we sell it"?
It may have escaped your notice, but I am not one of your machine-gun-mouth sales types.
I am one of nature's buyers.
You worked for the Co-op selling lino. I know, but lino...
I can handle the technical specifications of lino.
Bragging again! Selling is selling.
Not lino. People came in looking for lino. They were lino-conscious in those days.
Comfort hadn't been invented.
Yes, it had. We couldn't afford it.
All right. Let's approach this scientifically.
For starters, let's figure out what kind of person we're looking for.
Who would be a natural type to buy a lawn mower?
Only somebody gormless would buy this lawn mower.
I bought it. See what I mean?
Where do we find the gormless at this time of year? They're abroad on holiday.
No, there must be one somewhere.
Miss...
Aaaagh!
What was Eli doing in the water?
Making spluttering noises when we got there. Barry pulled him out.
He looks magnificent when he's wet, my Barry.
Drink your coffee!
It must be disconcerting on a summer's day - sudden handfuls of wet Eli!
What were you doing down there?
It's known locally as Lovers' Lane, Mother. There's no rule that says you have to be single.
You didn't happen to see anybody I know?
- Just Eli. - If he was down Lovers' Lane, he does need new glasses!
Is your Barry aware it could injure his prospects?
It was my idea. We just went for a nostalgic walk.
- How did Eli get in the water? - He stepped off the bridge. It was where he used to play thumpy dub.
Thumpy dub? That's the second time that's come up today.
They did it with padded sticks, trying to knock each other in.
Who was Eli doing it with? Nobody. I think he was just practising.
That's basically true of my Howard. He doesn't get far beyond practising.
You'll never guess who came in for vanilla slices.
We don't have to. You're going to tell us.
She wanted one for her gentleman friend.
Is it like that stuff they smoke? Are they doing things with vanilla slices?
A certain person with her skirt so tight, it was making her eyes pop.
Marina. You'd recognise a skirt like that anywhere.
Did she say who the gentleman was?
No. She was making a big mystery of it.
You wonder how somebody like her attracts men, but I never thought of vanilla slices.
My Barry likes vanilla slices.
Not that much. I've told you not to overdo him on sweet things. They want more roughage.
Being with her is as much roughage as anybody needs.
It couldn't have been my Barry?
Of course it couldn't have been your Barry. He was out with you, wringing water out of Eli.
Oh, yes.
Anyway, I trust my Barry.
- Sounds like it(!) - It's unsettling when you know someone who likes vanilla slices.
Where are we going to find a gormless twit round here?
Just what we've been looking for!
What's this?
Just what YOU'VE been looking for.
I haven't got a lawn. That's OK. The last owner hadn't got a lawn.
Why did he have a lawn mower? Makes you attractive to the ladies. What?
I had to give mine away. It was worse than rhino horn.
It's right. Once they know tha's got a lawn mower and are willing to travel to cut a bit of grass...
You've been alone since your wife left you. I have.
I don't know why she left. You didn't have a lawn mower!
You're never alone with a lawn mower. There's a lot of lonely women out there, Smiler,
just waiting for some tall stranger to appear a couple of days a week with his lawn mower.
Who pays for the petrol?
Errol Flynn never asked questions like that!
You're missing a golden opportunity.
The lawn mower comes with a list of ladies having problems with grass.
That Smiler's a bit tight. He don't spend a lot.
He doesn't deserve a happy love life. I wonder if I can fix him up with the former Mrs Truelove.
Doggy Barnes!
Are you putting it about that you were the champ at thumpy dub?
It were thee and me. It were more me than thee!
Sometimes it were thee, sometimes it were me!
Gentlemen, gentlemen. There's one way to settle this.
I just want you to know that that was probably the nicest vanilla slice I've had in many a year.
It's my pleasure, Howard. What shall we do next?
Well...
I really think we ought to be going.
We don't want to overdo it.
One vanilla slice, Howard. I don't call that overdoing it.
Hello, hello, hello! A suspicious pair here!
What's suspicious?
I was just giving this young lady directions back to town.
She knows her way about!
Norman Clegg, that was! Shy as ever!
Tell her I've really got a very nasty disposition.
Don't worry, Norm, I'll protect thee. I'm used to dangerous women.
Can we have a word with you?
I hope you don't think it's unusual, me being seen with a young lady.
I think it's very useful, Howard. She'll be able to give you a hand home with the lawn mower.
What lawn mower?
DOOR OPENS
- It's only me, love! - Hello, love.
- Guess what I've brought you? - Oh, great.
I haven't told you what it is.
How was your mother? Pay attention, Barry!
I've brought you something. I thought we'd have a cup of tea.
And you've got the choice of a chocolate eclair or a vanilla slice.
I'll have the eclair.
Barry! You don't know how glad I am to hear you say that!
TRUNDLING SOUND
I thought it was really time I bought something for Pearl.
You bought it for me? Of course I did.
You think I go out there and never think about you? This just shows I think about you all the time.
Did you think about "We haven't got a lawn"?
How is a bloke supposed to remember everything?
What's that on your mouth? It's not lipstick.
I can see that. So it doesn't matter what it is.
Wipe it off, then!
Oh, it's just a bit of vanilla slice!
Inside!
Do you know why we haven't got a lawn?
Because I'd be tempted to bury you under it!
Take it easy!
I thought Howard was looking well.
Yes. A lawn mower suits him.
I wouldn't mind a little drink. Do you think these two will be long?
No, I wouldn't think so.
Aaagh! Aaagh!
You were right.
Out!
What's wrong now? We haven't got a lawn mower. Out!