Yes, Howard?
Whatever you want, the answer is no!
I won't get involved with Marina!
If you're having some kind of attack, why don't you go home and have it in comfort?
Oh... Isn't that Pearl coming?
Tha's got a grip like Desperate Dan!
Get them off! Suppose people think that's MY standard of washing?!
I think it goes deeper than that.
I think what sets tha blood racing
is the sight of my lonely longjohns on your widowed clothesline.
I've told you about this before! Get 'em off! I've nowhere else to hang 'em!
They want burning! I've told you before! Why do you keep doing it?
Well, psychologicality-wise,
I think it's me markin' out me own territory.
Oh, you...!
Your jacket's bunching at the back.
It's what?!
When you lift your elbow to write, your jacket lifts at the back.
You see, you ought to hold your pad lower down, then your jacket will stay where it should be.
Is there something I can do for you?
You're wearing the Queen's uniform! You don't want it riding up!
It's the COUNCIL's uniform!
It's still the Queen's! Haven't you heard of a Queen's "counsel"?
That's a lawyer!
Are you sure? Sits on the Queen's bench...probably so nobody will notice his jacket's riding up(!)
You're not fit to wear a uniform!
Even when behind enemy lines in the jungle, I kept my uniform neat.
Well, it impressed the natives. You should have heard them -
"Him big fine fella. Very smart.
"Same Montague Burton."
He's snapped!
He's finally snapped!
What's so interesting? I think you have a problem. Howard's acting strangely.
That's ALWAYS been his problem.
This time, I think he's snapped.
With Howard, it's so hard to tell.
How can anyone get their leg so high without doing terrible damage?!
There it goes again, riding up at the back.
You should sew some little weights on the bottom to hold it down.
Is this your car I'm giving a ticket to? I don't have a car.
Pity.
I know yours isn't a REAL uniform, but it should still be worn properly.
People should take a pride in their uniforms.
I don't expect you to have the same pride as we trained killers, but...
You - a killer?!
Well, I don't like to talk about it,
but in the jungles of South East Asia, I was known as The Iceman.
Selling ice cream, were you?
Was that the uniform...Mr Softee(?)
Excuse me!
Yes, I can see you're envious, and I can understand why.
The most you can do is write on a bit of paper and pop it under somebody's wipers.
WE were allowed to stick BAYONETS in people.
A right bunch of lilies we'd have looked popping a bit of paper under an enemy sentry's wipers!
Just half a cup of tea, please, Ivy.
Ye Gods! Are you going to drink it here or would you like it delivering(?)
Is your collar too tight?
No, it's fi-i-ine.
It doesn't look it! Your eyes are bulging out!
I wouldn't say bulging! It's more like piercing.
I'm learning how to hypnotise. It's a way to have power over people.
You wouldn't believe it!
Comes in 'ere for half a cup o' tea, and I'm supposed to be hypnotised!
I think Howard's in deep trouble.
He's got this weird expression. His eyes have started bulging.
Sounds like a touch of the Marinas.
You don't get decent diseases round here. You get them in the jungle.
You could wake up fit as a flea, but by lunchtime it was as though your body no longer belonged to you.
Who DID it belong to?
Well, it's not a good fit, whosever it was. The legs are too long.
Send it back and get 'em to take it up.
Don't come back till you get your eyeballs back where they belong!
A catering establishment does not need excessive eyeballs!
Howard, what's tha been up to? Oh, just a bit of hypnotism.
Well, why didn't you say so?! I thought it was blood pressure.
Him?! He'd need a transfusion before he could have blood pressure.
I'm learning to exercise power over people. Yeah, it looked like it(!)
But I don't think Ivy REALISED you had this power over her.
Well, I haven't got it right yet.
If tha wants power over women, lad, it's not hypnotism, it's... # Animal magnetism! #
I've probably got that already. I'd sooner have blood pressure!
Why do you want hypnotism anyway?
I was thinking how convenient it might be
if I could just put Pearl to sleep occasionally.
Strictly for medicinal purposes.
ALL: Oh, aye(!)
He's obviously doing it wrong. I daresay I could do it if I put me mind to it.
Aww! SHOP!
I used to look men in the eyes and send them into battle.
That won't do the trick!
Three - teas - please. It's - your - tu-urn.
Three teas, please, Ivy.
It could be done.
What?
Hypnotism.
Rubbish! No, it's not rubbish. It's been used scientifically.
It would have to be used with extreme caution if you tried it on Pearl.
Well, she's only human. That's the nicest thing I've ever heard anyone say about Pearl!
Maybe if I gave Howard some lessons. Tha doesn't know if tha can do it yet!
Right, we'll soon alter that.
Right, who's going to volunteer? I want someone to stand up
and look me straight in the eye.
Very well! I shall have to demonstrate on the first person we meet.
"First person we meet"? The first person we meet that we KNOW.
He's backin' out already! You can't just look a stranger in the eye!
I hate it when strangers look me in the eye. Always reminds me how shabby my wallpaper is.
You should see HIS! Tha lives with it long enough, tha gets used to it.
I had a wart that was like that.
Where? If I don't look strangers in the eye, I'm sure I'm not telling you where my wart is...
WAS.
You don't get warts here. You have to be in the jungle for warts.
Here we go, up the Orinoco! RINGING
GET OUT THE WAY!
Fools in the middle of the road!
"First person we meet that we know". Y-yeah, but not Eli!
That's what tha said!
This I must see - somebody looking ELI straight in the eye!
Walking in the middle of the road!
Eli... All right? Oh, thanks, lads. Silly fools in the middle of the road!
Did you recognise them? Of course! Three dozy old women!
Hang on, Eli. Foggy needs somebody to practise on.
I'm sorry, but I have to go. Hang on a minute, Eli...!
We mustn't delay the man if he has to go. Sorry, lads, I can't stop.
They should fix these potholes!
What's he doing? Reading. He's a secret reader.
Is he a big reader? Look at him! He's not a big anything!
They pick some funny things up from books.
He picks up funny things without books.
What's he reading? "How To Exert Mind Power Over Other People."
As long as it's not one of them FOREIGN books.
Is he any good at exerting mind power over other people?
He's getting better. I'd a hell of a struggle to make him wear his apron.
Now, Eli, I want you to look me straight in the eye.
Just relax, make yourself comfortable, then tell me when you're ready.
Ready!
Off you go.
Look - me - straight - in - the - eye-ey(!)
It wasn't a fair test with Eli!
Maybe if you started with ONE eye...
Or maybe his EAR. Maybe if you looked him straight in the ear(!)
I could do it with a NORMAL subject.
Well, Pearl's the one tha's got to tackle. P-P-P-Pearl...?
She's the one Howard needs power over.
You can't dive straight in the deep end with someone like Pearl.
No, he'd better tackle something more suitable for a beginner.
(The barmaid!)
The next time tha goes up for the three pints, see what tha can do with the barmaid.
Suppose she drops the glasses?! Tha said tha could do it in the jungle!
It was warmer in the jungle. He's backing out!
I have never backed away from a challenge!
I don't like it. He'll be all right.
Don't come here with your staring eyes! Upsetting my barmaid!
Is he wi' you? ..No, I've never seen him before.
It was a scientific experiment!
That's all we need in a decent pub - mad scientists!
If you didn't know it was hypnosis, it could be thyroid.
It didn't look like thyroid. It looked like he was on the deperate edge of some impulse.
IS your Howard on the desperate edge of some impulse?
I doubt it. He has his Horlicks every night.
The other thing you always suspect is guilt.
That's true. They're very prone to guilt.
I don't think my Barry is. He has nothing to be guilty about.
She's very young.
She's no business being young!
I warned her on her wedding night.
Didn't I say to you, "Glenda, it is a romantic evening.
"Never will you get him in a more co-operative mood.
"So NOW is the time to find out what it is he feels guilty about!"
I DID ask him.
Well?!
He said he'd nothing to be guilty about.
There you go - he'd got lying for a start!
So you tried it on Ivy in the cafe and she threw you out?
She's got a powerful left hand.
And I tried it on the barmaid and the landlord threw me out.
It took all my willpower not to teach him a lesson.
The way he threw you out, he don't NEED any lessons!
So much for hypnotism. Please readjust your eyeballs. Certainly not!
A Dewhurst doesn't give up that easily. There has to be a solution.
There is. Tha has a slate missing.
It's simply a question of analysing the problem in a leadership manner.
Question - what IS the problem? You keep getting thrown out.
Exactly. And WHY is that? Because tha looks like a pair of weirdos with staring eyes.
But you HAVE to stare! Like the Boston Strangler?!
That's it! It's the expression!
We have to stare with a SMILE. Do I hear cries of, "The man's a genius"?
Not only a genius, but a genius with a SMILE(!)
They'll be hypnotised before they know it. They won't be able to resist!
But my Barry NEVER looks guilty. You've got to learn to look for the little signs.
Or with some people, BIG signs.
What little signs?
- Does he ever bring you gifts? - Yes, of course he does.
He often brings me chocolates.
Oh...! Oh, never mind, love, it could all soon blow over.
I LIKE chocolates. How often in the last month has he bought you chocolates?
Oh, two or three times.
CONCERNED MUTTERING
Does he ever bring you...FLOWERS?
Well, yes, sometimes he brings me flowers.
Oh, you poor love!
Well, when you find out what it is, don't forget that you've always got a place here.
They'll never notice they're being hypnotised. It'll never work!
Of course it will. Stand over there.
They look like very close friends.
It doesn't seem to be working.
It will when he looks into my eye.
All I can see is teeth!
He's not co-operating. I shall have to demonstrate on a complete stranger.
Chap over there.
I'll have him.
I'll show you power over people. He'll never know what hit him.
Here we go, old son.
Come on,
get on board and take a seat.
Don't be shy, come on out.
Off you go.
You're one short. Where's he gone?
He's gone funny, that's where he's gone. By bus.
He's wasting his time. To Council, it don't mean THAT.
OWWW!
It's a message, Howard. From WHO?!
Maybe it's a warning.
But it was only ONE hand!
We've been discovered, Howard!
By whom?!
I never realised you HAD a beauty spot.
Oh, Howard...! Oh, Marina...!
OWW!
What happened to the smile, genius?
Looks like tha used up most of tha power.
These long legs are looking very civilian, Foggy.
MILITARY DRUMROLL
MARCHING MUSIC
Subtitles by BBC Scotland 1995