What are you doing? Waiting for a bus.
You can't afford to travel by bus.
You spend all your money on horses. Turn to the front, please.
We're SUPPOSED to be forming a queue.
I'm not turning me back on YOU.
People like thee give queues a bad name.
KNOCK ON DOOR
I was wondering...
No, Howard.
I've only one ambition left, and that is to lead a quiet life.
KNOCKS ON DOOR AGAIN
Don't leave me out there. I don't want Pearl to see me.
She doesn't NEED to see you.
She's got radar.
I know. And I've got no counter-measures.
I'm losing the technological war.
It doesn't stop you trying to drag me in on the losing side.
What can I do for you that is NOT going to get me into trouble with Pearl?
There are very FEW things you can do that WON'T get you into trouble with Pearl!
Bear that in mind before you ask me whatever it is you're going to ask.
I was wondering, Cleggy, if I could look at your cellar.
Cellar?
It's that space underneath.
I know! But what do you want with it?
I just want to look at it.
I like it!
This is an improvement.
You're going to stop running round with funny women
and switch to cellars!
Looking at cellars is a much more suitable hobby at your age.
It's just the same as YOUR cellar.
I don't see why you want to come and have a look at MY cellar.
Why don't you start with some really adventurous NEW cellar?
Can we go down?
Is it like train spotting? Do you collect every possible cellar?
Mind how you go.
I think it's the bulb that's gone.
Oh!
Ah!
Listen, Howard, if you're thinking of trying to escape from Pearl,
I hope you're not going to start tunnelling. Nobody's tunnelling!
About here.
What's that for? Tap on the wall where I've made the mark,
and I'll go down into MY cellar, and I'll bet we can communicate.
Howard, we always could.
I could call you on the telephone.
Ah...
but we could communicate SECRETLY.
You stay here.
Aaaaaaagh!
Cleggy! Are you there, Cleggy?
What are you doing?
Doing?
Fair question. What are you tapping for?
A-actually, love, I was looking for woodworm.
In a stone wall(?)
Ah, well...
I'd finished the wooden bit, now I'm looking for...stoneworm.
Stoneworm?
And what are you going to do when you find them?
Paint them an attractive colour to go with the furniture(?)
What were you doing to fall down there?
Well, I...didn't...see it was there.
I didn't hear you coming until I heard the crash. There! You didn't hear me coming.
To be able to move like I do takes years of training.
For falling down ravines?
For silent moving! You said you didn't hear me coming.
Are you all right? Oh, yes, of course.
That's another thing we learnt. How to fall.
"We"? Who's this "we", then?
I don't want to mention any names. But you know the kind of thing.
Dropping out of aircraft, landing by rubber boat. The Special...? Ssssh!
We're not supposed to talk about it!
'Maybe he IS waiting for a bus.
'I suppose he's entitled to wait for a bus. He needs a bus.
'There can't be much walking left in THOSE trousers.
'He hasn't made one false move since he got here. I'll give him that.
'I'll give him more than that if he DOES make one false move!
'I must say, it's very unnerving having him at your back.'
You ARE waiting for a bus! I told thee!
I don't know why tha's so nervous. Not for one second have my hands left my pockets.
It's the tension. I'm all on edge.
It's all right, love. Tha can apologise later.
After thee!
Oh, there goes a contact lens.
Ah!
There's a grand little doggy, then.
Ah-ha-ha!
Here, have a biscuit.
Norman Clegg.
I want a word with you.
Not guilty. You can't hold me responsible for his extra-mural activities.
I just want to ask you a simple question. HOW simple?
How's your foundations?
None of us are as young as we used to be.
HOUSE foundations. Do you think, structurally, we're sound?
I don't see why we shouldn't be. We've not got stoneworm?
You don't think we might have stoneworm?
Stoneworm? I caught Howard down the cellar tapping for stoneworm.
Ohh!
I shouldn't worry about stoneworm.
Somehow I don't think we've got stoneworm!
How do you mean, Howard's discovered stoneworm?
It's a long story. I wonder if that's what I got.
With holes like that in your trousers, you've got bigger things than stoneworm.
Did you see that? I saw something. What was it?
It were fast, I'll say that.
Howard...
is spreading the word that we've got stoneworm.
Stoneworm?
There's no such thing. Well, we've got it.
Howard told Pearl that we've got it, she's telling everyone else,
so we'd better have it or she'll know that Howard is lying again.
Where's tha supposed to have stoneworm? In the stones!
Logical!
Whereabouts in tha stones?
In the cellar. Pearl's very uneasy that we've got stoneworm in our foundations.
Well, you WOULD be, wouldn't you?
We ought to try and make it plausible, or Howard is in trouble.
How's that going to make people believe in STONEWORM? It's possible...
if the exercise is conducted on a proper basis, like they did in the last war.
"Black propaganda." They tried to make the enemy believe something WAS true which wasn't.
NOW they call it politics.
I know you think I'm lying.
That's because you're lying.
Just because woodworm gets all the publicity,
it doesn't mean that stoneworm don't exist.
Ah!
DIALS PHONE NUMBER
Why have I never heard of it?
I expect the building industry keeps it quiet in case there's a panic.
Who're you ringing? The council.
Sanitation Department, please. Pest Control.
Hello. I wonder if you can help me.
I was wondering, what's the best thing for stoneworm?
Stoneworm?
Who is this?
You want locking up! I've better things to do than listen to this!
It's you, in't it, Eric?
I bet it's you having me on!
DIALLING TONE How long?
I first noticed them only recently. I was wondering what you could recommend before they get a hold.
That's very kind of you. Thank you.
And you'd apply that with a small brush?
Thank you.
Well, what did he say? What DO you use for stoneworm?
You supply a thin solution
of vinegar and garlic. Garlic?!
That's for vampires.
Have you checked your neck lately?
Aaaaaaaagggghhhh!
CRASH!
Here's where we start. Start what?
Listening for stoneworm. There's no such thing!
YOU know that, I know that, but does the rest of the world?
We're doing this for Howard. Companion, friend...and idiot.
But HOW do we listen for stoneworm?
You put your ear to the wall!
What do they sound like? They don't exist!
We're only PRETENDING they exist to help Howard.
But we should know what they sound like in case anybody asks. Exactly!
We'll look right muffins if we don't know what they sound like.
What WOULD stoneworms sound like?
Gritty.
Chomping of powerful little jaws.
Like somebody chewing a granite sandwich!
YOU sound like that.
That's it, then! A smaller version of HIM.
Well, come on.
Nothing. There's none here.
Of course there's none here. There's none anywhere.
We're pretending so that when Ivy sees us, we can tell her she hasn't got stoneworm.
She'll boast that she hasn't got stoneworm, and before you know it, people will BELIEVE in stoneworm.
What...?!
Ah, you'll be pleased to know, Ivy, that with regard to stoneworm... OUT!!
OUT!
There's never been any stoneworm here!
I hope Howard appreciates the trouble we take for him.
How MUCH will he appreciate it? How do you mean?
Will he pay for it? I mean, here we are, in our own time, doing all this.
Why not charge him for our services? That is a very mercenary attitude.
I like it.
How much do you think he would pay us for our services? Forget it.
He's related to Auntie Wainwright.
I know it's only distantly, but try getting money from ANY relation of Auntie Wainwright's.
SCUFFLING
CRASH!
Right!
Take THAT! AND that!
Come here, you little swine!
You little SWINE!
SHOP!
Coming, sir.
I was on the phone to Savile Row.
I see he's resisted every impulse to be fashionable.
It's one of his positive points.
You can see several negative points. Only when I bend.
We wondered if there was anything we could do.
To dress HIM properly? Shouldn't think so - he's too far gone.
No. We wondered if there was anything we could do for YOU.
You can take him out the shop. He's going to make the wrong impression.
Listen, Gladys, I haven't come here to be insulted.
You came for a suit? This is a challenge!
I didn't come for a suit. We came in to see what the trouble was.
Trouble?
We saw you in the window, thrashing about. Oh, that!
Is it with sitting cross-legged all the time?
Do you have to burst out now and again?
It's not the sitting cross-legged.
It's a mouse.
Is that all?
Don't underestimate it. I've been trying to catch it for six months.
Your troubles are over. We'll attend to it.
This man used to be an experienced poacher.
Not for MICE. I'd have looked a right twit sneaking out at night for MICE.
If you can catch one thing, you can catch another. German measles.
I once caught German measles.
You think you've covered everything then along comes stoneworm.
You never used to have to worry about stoneworm. I blame these modern stones.
Are you sure there IS such a thing as stoneworm?
The council says you treat it with vinegar and garlic.
Couldn't is just be vinegar?
Very few people of my generation are comfortable with garlic. Vinegar and GARLIC.
It must be some foreign pest.
If it was a Yorkshire worm, I'm sure you could handle it without garlic.
Her in Albion Street takes garlic pills.
Course, her husband's away a lot.
My Barry likes a bit of garlic.
How long's he had THAT habit? Kill that!
It's only garlic. Don't mention it to your father.
Because if it's not Castrol, your father's got no time for it.
I blame foreign travel.
My Barry's never been further than Manchester.
There! No good comes from going to Manchester!
That's probably where the stoneworms come from.
Sometimes it comes from there.
And then, sometimes,
sometimes it comes from there.
How big is it? How big is a mouse?
Are you sure it IS a mouse? I won't get involved with anything bigger.
I'm here to look after you. I've hunted tiger!
Keep your voice down!
It'll be bad enough if word gets about that I've got mice. Stop panicking.
Problem over! We'll catch your mouse for you.
Little white hunter here.
You call that white? It's a figure of speech.
WHEELBARROW SQUEAKS LOUDLY
Ooh!
You squeaky, creaky little devil!
I...I deny that!
I just happened to bump into this young lady.
It turns out we have several acquaintances in common. Oh, Howard!
I wasn't swearing at you, it was this wheelbarrow.
You didn't know we were here? I had no idea.
But isn't fate wonderful?
There was I, wondering how I was going to get home with this barrow,
and out of the blue, up pops a customer.
A customer?
Someone willing to buy this portion of a milking machine, and save me wheeling it home.
Why would I buy a milking machine?
Tell him.
I think it might be a good idea.
I think Auntie Wainwright knows what she's doing.
How much? It's a bargain.
For another £10, I'll throw in the barrow.
It's true what they say, all the world loves a lover!
We'll put him in the window like a window dummy.
He'll keep still. When the mouse appears, he'll catch it.
Can he keep perfectly still?
He has never done a day's work in his life.
You couldn't have anybody better for keeping perfectly still.
Close your eyes and I'll tell you when to open them, and you'll see how effective he can be.
Look now.
Get him out! He can't stand in my window dressed like that.
What sort of an advert is that?
I'll find him something to wear.
SQUEAKING
What the dickens have you got there?
It's a milking machine, love!
Ask a silly question.
It was a bargain.
Can I ask another silly question?
What do you want with a milking machine?
It's...it's...more or less a curio.
A sort of collector's item. Oh!
I thought you'd bought it for the stoneworm.
I thought, "Maybe he's going to milk the stoneworm."
I rang the council.
There IS no stoneworm.
What do you say to THAT?
You see? Isn't it wonderful what that vinegar and garlic can do?
Down there!
No!
A mouse just run up your trousers!
Subtitles by Janice Hamilton BBC Scotland, 1995