Can't tha keep that brush quiet? You've got the loudest brush for thirty miles.
It's time you were up. Oh, I had a bad night.
Too much beer! It were Ernie Moredew's funeral tea. How could I not drink at a bloke's funeral tea?
I bet he looks better than YOU do this morning!
God!
What appears to be the trouble?
Well, there's something terribly wrong with my standing to attention, doctor.
Every time I stand to attention, it makes my head hurt.
What's your occupation, that you have to stand to attention? I don't have to, I do it for pleasure.
For pleasure? Mm. I see.
How long has it been hurting you? Well, I leapt out of bed as I normally do, and stood to attention.
The pain was terrible!
Were you drinking last night? Er...a drop of home-brew at Eric Moredew's funeral tea.
I'll give you an aspirin. You've got a hangover.
You mean, it's not permanent? I'll be able to stand to attention without it hurting my head?
Yes, I'm sure you will. Oh!
Oh...thank you, thank you, doctor! Thank you so much!
If ever there's anything I can do. If I need anyone to stand to attention...
Oh, I've got to get that door fixed.
Swap door for head in this condition.
What are you looking at?
Listen, lass. It's only fair to warn thee.
If thee and I are ever going to get married, there's got to be some changes.
I'll never get the 'ang of a thing like this.
Oh-h! Oh, it's no good, it still hurts.
Well, stop slamming them big boots about.
He said it'd get better. He promised. Give it time.
What we need is a pick-me-up.
What a mess!
Oh! You're supposed to drink it, not behave like a couple of people watering a garden!
Give us another tea, Ivy. In a cup? Or shall I pour it straight on the floor?
Where were you two last night?
Ernie Moredew's funeral tea. Hm!
Well, you must've 'ad more than tea.
There was a drop of do-it-yourself home-brew.
It were terrible! Ooh, I WAS glad when it were all gone!
Where's the other one? Was HE there as well ?
Where is he?
I thought he were with you. No, that was you.
Ah!
I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't stand to attention.
It's been the source of some of my best ideas.
You'd be amazed what comes to you when you stand to attention.
I wonder if Cleggie's still in bed. If he feels like I do, he will be!
How much home-brew did he have? Oh, I dunno. He spent most of the time with that Mrs Jack Athercliff.
That's not like Clegg. I don't think it were voluntary. She 'ad a very strong grip on his arm.
IMAGINARY DRUMROLL
No, no, no, no!
If you must 'ave a giraffe, you want to keep it on a lead.
RINGING BELL
HEY UP, CLEGGIE ! Oh-h-h!
Will you stop shouting? I will, I will. I'll stop shouting.
Are you looking for Cleggie? Well spotted, Howard, seein' as how we were knocking on his door!
There's no flies on thee! I thought you were.
Keep your voice down please, Howard. We're in a delicate condition.
Aye, too much home-brew at Ernie Moredew's funeral tea. Cleggie wasn't looking too well, either,
when he went off this morning with Mrs Jack Athercliff.
Went off with Mrs Jack Athercliff? Shopping.
Shopping? Clegg? She came and knocked him up, and took him off...early!
It's inconceivable. Someone you've known all your life turns into the kind of person who goes shopping!
And with a woman! Not just a woman, a woman like Mrs Jack Athercliff!
How long's she been a widow now? Oh, must be a quarter of a century.
Mr Jack Athercliff couldn't die quick enough.
Gives you an idea what Clegg's let himself in for. It's that home-brew at Ernie Moredew's funeral tea.
Bloke gets a couple of them down 'im, he dunno where he's at!
He's here now. Who? Clegg. Being driven by Mrs Jack Athercliff.
Where is the other one? Tha might well ask. Out shopping with Mrs Jack Athercliff.
Norman Clegg ?! With Mrs Jack Athercliff ?! He's living dangerously there!
Where did he meet Mrs Jack Athercliff? Ernie Moredew's funeral tea. Oh. I wouldn't know about that.
I didn't do the catering.
Who DID do the catering? They all pitched in. I see (!) One of those do-it-yourself affairs!
The food were all right. The home-brew were lethal.
It's seriously affected Clegg. I hate losing good men like that.
Well, at least your shakes have gone.
They have! They've gone!
Hey up! I can use me saucer again.
No, you can't!
One tube of instant glue.
Oh, I love the way you say that!
Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina!
That's fine. Everything's in working order. It's all right for us. What about poor old Norman?
Spot of female companionship. Maybe he's enjoying it.
Didn't look like he were enjoying it when he went by in that car. Maybe loneliness has got to him.
What loneliness? Oh-h! Don't tell me about loneliness. I know all about loneliness.
There were nights in the jungle, behind enemy lines, when I longed for the sound of a female voice.
Tha does talk some clack!
It was so bad one night that I wrote a letter to Dorothy Lamour.
It was in a beautiful italic script.
Then I ruined it by spilling Japanese blood all over it!
Hey up!
That's her car. Mrs Jack Athercliff.
Are you sure it's her car? It's her car.
Hey, look! There's a note under the wiper. What's it say?
"Help! I'm being held prisoner by Mrs Jack Athercliff."
Come on! The supermarket.
INAUDIBLE
Hey up, Howard. I see thee's been buying glue again.
What's wrong with a person buying glue? I don't see any harm in it.
Listen, did tha see Cleggie in the supermarket? Yes. Yes, I did.
He was in the supermarket with Mrs Jack Athercliff. Was? Where is he now?
CAR APPROACHES There they are! Over there!
Who would have believed it?
Norman Clegg caught pre-marital shopping!
She's got to bring him home sometime. She can't keep him for ever.
Queer about the evils of drink! You never realise it could mean Mrs Jack Athercliff.
Did he have much home-brew? Well, he wouldn't get involved with Mrs Jack Athercliff on an empty stomach.
I'll never touch home-brew again. If it can happen to Norman Clegg, it could happen to anybody.
I didn't think he were attractive to women. Well, he hasn't got women, he's got Mrs Jack Athercliff!
How did Norman Clegg meet Mrs Jack Athercliff? At Ernie Moredew's funeral tea.
It was very unprofessionally catered. A very hit-and-miss occasion.
It's not like Norman Clegg to get involved with ladies. I think it's quite romantic.
One thing you can claim for Norman Clegg with confidence, and that is:
as a romantic figure, he's severely retarded.
Aye, he's retarded. They all are. It's one of their better points.
What's she like, Mrs Jack Athercliff?
Inclined to be a know-it-all. Wears the weirdest hats!
She's got that arrogance from always knowing where your husband is.
Where is Mr Jack Athercliff?
In the cemetery.
I usually know where mine is. I can hear him hammering.
Oh, yes! They're inclined always to be hammering. Often for no reason.
They just like hammering.
It makes more sense than collecting glue.
Mine's suddenly started collecting tubes of glue.
I say, "Howard, why do we need more tubes of glue?"
"If ever we need anything sticking," he says, "I'm going to be ready."
I'll get the drinks. Aye, now there's only two of us. When there's three, it'll be MY turn!
He's out of control ! What's up, what's up?
Eli's gone up to the dart-board.
You don't think I worry about darts? Me? Chap who's faced every kind of native blow-pipe?
Oh!
They've made a wonderful difference, these new glasses.
Know what I've had to give up for you, Howard? Clint Eastwood movies.
I used to love Clint Eastwood movies. But I had to stop.
The contrast was unacceptable.
Turning away from a Clint Eastwood movie to look at you was somehow... unsettling.
Well, he's taller than I am.
Yes, that's probably it.
How's the glue trade, Howard?
Is Clegg in? He is. But he has to go out again.
He's found out what it means to have a good woman in his life.
Oh, it's you! I thought it was HER again. Just a tick.
She dragged me everywhere. Shopping!
She was going to take me for a haircut. Can you imagine? At my age! The Unisex Hair Boutique.
I'm not even sure I've got unisex hair.
How did tha get involved with her? Oh, it was one of those terrible accidents.
There I was at Ernie Moredew's funeral tea. You two were slurping home-brew.
I felt a bit peckish, so I walked to the table.
I looked at all the display. Somewhere in the middle was a plate of buns.
I selected a bun. I took one bite. It was reasonable. It wasn't a bad bun.
"These are not bad buns," I said. Suddenly I felt this grip on my arm.
It was Mrs Jack Athercliff. "Those are my buns," she said. "You've got a good eye for buns, Norman Clegg."
From that moment on, she's hardly let go of my arm. I'm lost! I've had it! We might as well give in.
You see how your life can change because you admire somebody's buns!
Come on, Cleggie! It's no good. I've tried that. She's got radar. Me life's not me own any more.
She's calling to take me to this afternoon's tea dance at the Over-60s.
Afternoon tea dance? Yes. That's diabolical. Come with us, Clegg, we'll protect you.
It's no good, I've tried hiding. This morning when she called for me, I pretended I wasn't here.
What did she do? Borrowed Howard's ladder and peered in all me windows. Couldn't refuse a lady me ladder!
He thinks it's funny. He's enjoying this. He's seen me walking free all these years.
Now he thinks, why shouldn't I have a good woman's care and attention? I wish you every happiness.
I'll have to get ready for this afternoon's tea dance at the Over-60s.
I wonder if they'll live at her place, or his?
We must do something about this.
No chap of mine is going to be abandoned to afternoon tea dances.
We need another widower, somebody free and unattached that she'll like better than Cleggie.
Somebody taller.
Smiler! He's got some insurance due. He's going to be worth a few bob, is our Smiler.
Is he? I don't know. But it's worth putting the rumour around, ain't it?
How do, Smiler? A very good day to you, Smiler. What do you want?
Why should you imagine we want anything?
W-what am I doing at Archie Wainwright's? Tha's going to get thyself smartened up, Smiler. Why?
For the afternoon tea dance at the Over-60s. But I'm not going there. Funny you should say that, Smiler!
RECORDING: 'You are under observation. This place is covered by security cameras.
'Until management can attend to you, keep your hands in your pockets at all times.'
Oh, it's you lot! If you're browsing, I have to make a small charge to cover electricity.
No, we're not browsing, we're buying.
That sounds like a shrewd commercial decision.
He...um...he needs smartening up a bit. That's a bit rich, coming from you!
He needs to look lovely for this afternoon's tea dance at the Over-60s. Oh!
Tsk-tsk! It's not going to be easy. Not off the peg.
He's not what you'd call the ideal configuration, looking-lovely-wise. Do your best, love.
Well, it's a challenge. And I always think it's amazing what can be achieved...
..when money's no object.
When you said we were buying, I thought you meant YOU were buying. I didn't realise I was buying!
It's an investment, Smiler. Call again any time. They're unrepeatable prices.
Aye, an' what he's saying about thee is unrepeatable an' all !
I just hope it's worth it. What price freedom, Smiler?
You'd like to leave Nora Batty's? Oh...! It's been like Colditz for you. Terrible!
Clean, but terrible. You daren't give notice? You must be joking.
Hand in notice to Nora Batty? She'd kill me! You need a strong woman, someone looking for a smart lodger.
Someone to rescue thee from Stalag Luft Batty. Sieg heil !
D'you think there is somebody?
We wouldn't be surprised.
BIG BAND MUSIC There's her car. They're here.
What am I supposed to do? Just stand there and look gorgeous. Oh-h...!
Well, not even gorgeous. Just look more attractive than Norman Clegg.
Oh, I can do that. I can look more attractive than Norman Clegg.
Tha'll be much happier as a lodger with Mrs Jack Athercliff. You think you can get me out of Nora Batty's?
Relax, Smiler! Just leave it to us.
Is it fancy dress? We don't do fancy dress. Hey up! It's Big Eric.
We get some riff-raff in here these days! Watch thy mouth, Eric. I've got a killer here.
This man's hands are lethal weapons.
I-I've sworn only to use them in defence of the innocent and the oppressed.
Will you keep your mouth shut?
Who's paying? He is. He is. Me?
Aw, Smiler, we brought thee here to improve thy life. Surely it's worth a few bob.
When you said you'd improve my life, no-one mentioned price of admission. Best money you've ever spent.
There she is, with Norman Clegg.
Attractive in a certain way. Listen, after Nora Batty, anything's attractive!
I don't know how he can say that.
She's taking him away. It's going to be trickier than we thought. Leave it to me, son.
How do, Norm? How do, lass?
Come 'ere.
Tell me, what's an attractive bird like thee doing wi' Norman Clegg?
There's a smart fellow up there really fancies thee. Fancies me?
Aye, has done for years. Life-long passion.
He never said anything. Oh, well, he's like me, he's shy.
Is he married? No.
Free, unattached, and looking forward to spending the twilight of his years with a good woman.
The tall one up there by the door. Which one? A TANGO IS ANNOUNCED
I'll point him out to thee. MUSIC STARTS
Smiler, she's making herself beautiful for thee!
What a pity, Norman, you weren't taller.
Stay like that. Back soon.
Where's she gone? We've fixed it up, Norm!
She's got the wrong one.
We'd better get out of here before Smiler wants his money back!
Don't worry, he'll be all right when they do the Military Two-Step.
Subtitles by Elizabeth Ogilvie BBC Scotland 1993