Quick, lass, over here! What are you doin' in the river?!
There's somebody down here needs the kiss o' life. Who does?
Me!
Bodies all over the place. There's been a disaster and nobody told me!
We're just lookin' at these ants. Cleggy drew my attention to them.
Just one ant, really, struggling with something you wouldn't think it was big enough to tackle.
Just like somebody else we know (!)
"Look at this ant!" Clegg said. It wasn't compulsory. It was just a suggestion.
Very hard-working, your ants.
I expect that's why they call them "aunts".
If they were uncles, they'd be lolling about, seriously unemployed.
Not into insects, then, your missus? Won't stop me getting a flea in me ear'ole.
Do you ever wonder about life after death, Howard? Could it be that marriage is for all eternity?
That's a TERRIBLE thing to say!
CLEARS THROAT
Hands up anyone who'd like to see a Japanese bayonet?
I haven't got one on me, but I've got a sketch I could show to the technically-minded. Anyone?
Nobody? ..Oh, well, suit yourselves.
You'll only show your ignorance when the topic arises.
But just remember I gave you the opportunity of learning to recognise the Japanese bayonet.
"Why today of all days is he thinking about bayonets?" you wonder. Well, I'll tell you.
The date.
One of the War's little unsung anniversaries.
47 years ago today at 09.40 hours in sweltering heat,
I was leading my little party of hand-trained natives behind enemy lines.
We were moving like shadows through primary jungle when suddenly...
..I smelled a Japanese cigarette.
You need this jungle nose, you see.
Anyway, my leading native, he turned to me and in a stealthy whisper,
"Great Tree That Walks!" he said.
They were only little fellas themselves and they used to call me "Great Tree That Walks".
They wanted me to stay behind after the War and rule their kingdom.
But I had this job waiting with the Highways Department.
Anyway, there we were in this thick jungle, fifteen yards from a Japanese bivouac.
Are you SURE there's no-one would like to see a sketch of a Japanese bayonet? I've got...
Hello! Hello, Clegg. There's something for you. For me? What is it?
It's a sketch of a Japanese bayonet.
Oh, yes. That's handy (!)
Yes, well, not everyone has got one of these.
It's turned out quite well, I think. From memory, you know.
Mind you, there's few people with closer memories of Japanese bayonets than me.
Dodged a few in me time.
Well, I was shocked. He looked ten years older.
Are you listenin'? I'm listenin'! I'm listenin'!
40 years of marriage and I still don't know if you're listenin'.
Well, I can't repeat everything after 40 years!
Have you seen him lately? You never told ME how old he was lookin'.
He doesn't look older to me. He'd have to have gaskets and tappets before YOU noticed anything!
And HE doesn't look as agile as he used to be. No.
He looks like something fundamental's on the blink.
Hey-up! Ta for the ladder, Wes. You're welcome.
Did it do the trick? It did to HIM !
Aye, I did it. It's amazing what tha' can do wi' the right equipment.
That's not very tactful with Foggy in his present condition.
What's up with him? In avoiding a bayonet, he ran into Compo's ladder.
He's lethal with a ladder. I didn't mean to hit him THERE.
Well, I'm goin' in.
What do you think? He doesn't look talented to me.
Ask him! YOU ask him! It'll be a waste of time. It usually is.
It's a lovely bun. I'm enjoyin' the bun.
Ask him. DO YOU PLAY A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT ?
We shall know if you lie. I wasn't playing one! Not me!
She means CAN you play one? No. Honest!
We want volunteers for the concert. Do you sing?
No, I'm tone deaf. Ask the wife.
They leave the pub singin' their heads off.
Ask them to volunteer for a church concert and they're tone deaf!
That's us. The whole family. Tone deaf.
Can you tap-dance? With MY knee? I can hardly walk!
You came in nimble enough. Comin' in I can do. Tap-dancing, forget it!
Never fails! Mention a church concert and they're off.
Are you off in there? I need to sit down. I shouldn't go in there.
They're looking for volunteers for the church concert. Come here! Don't gallop off. I need a sit down.
Suppose they get you for the concert? Well, I'm no stranger to the performing arts.
We could tell that when he hit you with the ladder.
All right, Jessie Matthews, what else can tha' do?
I could tell them some of my war experiences. That'll keep 'em on the edge of their seats (!)
Who's asking for volunteers, any road? Ivy...
..And Norah. Ho-ho-ho! Well, I mean!
That puts a different complexion on things, doesn't it, eh?
I don't know who we'll get. There must be somebody apart from Mr McIntyre and his pipes.
They go all jellified when you mention the church concert.
Can you think of anybody round here with cheek enough to go on stage?
Da-DA !
# Give 'em the old soft shoe I said the old soft shoe
# De-dee! #
He's got cheek enough! You couldn't use him!
He's got the trousers of an atheist!
# Da-da, da-da Da dee-dee-dee dee-dee-dee-dee! #
Give 'em a touch of the old leg magic. Oops! Oops! Oops!
# Good evening, friends! #
No, thank you, I'd rather have Mr McIntyre playin' the pipes. I wouldn't go THAT far!
He does war stories. No, thank you, we can do without them, too.
Told very vividly. True stories. I don't think so, thank you.
I don't do anything. It's no use looking at me. I'm totally unmusical and that's both legs.
No, it's no good lookin' at you three. We're not that desperate yet.
It looks like Mr McIntyre and his pipes.
Well, I wish 'em well with old McIntyre and his pipes. They don't know talent when they see it.
I'm very light on the old wellies. I'd 'ave give them ladies a treat or two!
I think we're well out of it.
I dunno. I don't mind doing a little bit for a worthy cause. War stories?!
I've held audiences enthralled with MY war stories.
He DOES talk some fanny! But fluently!
They'd be better off wi' McIntyre. But he's in every concert.
Or does it just seem like that?
The audience deserves a change. Y'know, they want something fresh, new, exciting.
War stories! Well, I do 'em with gestures, you know. I don't just stand there. I do the actions.
Oh, THAT'S something!
Church-going is one thing, but church concerts...huh!
I bet the religious wars were all about church concerts.
Only this morning in the library I had the entire reading room enthralled.
You could've heard an "h" drop!
People want entertainment, not war stories.
My stories ARE entertaining. Tha' makes them up as tha' goes along!
I'll have you know my war stories are completely true!
True?! I don't just make them up as I go along.
No, tha' probably makes 'em up in bed! You're full of flannel.
I deny that! That's easy to say when there's no way of provin' it.
I would submit to any test. My war stories are all valid.
Personal experiences. Give over!
I think you've hurt his feelings.
What's he doin'? He's just standing to attention.
You know Foggy. Whenever he's depressed, he just stands to attention. He's a big daisy!
But you must admit, he stands to a beautiful, full attention...
even with his left foot in a cow pat!
Why didn't you tell me?! Why should we? It suits thee, standin' in a cow pat!
Nobody's better suited to standing up to his ankles in... That'll do!
THEY GUFFAW
Oops!
Is he gonna sulk all day 'cos we don't believe his war stories? I think he's gonna try.
All right, Foggy, pack it in. We...believe...the...war...stories.
No, you don't.
Tell him. Well, I don't...OOH !
..know how anybody couldn't believe 'em. See?
Oh, you're just saying that. I wish there was some way of establishing the truth.
I mean, I'd show you the scars, but this is hardly the place.
Well, there is one way. It's the old one we used to use when we were at school. Remember?
We had this history lesson about trial by ordeal -
how in the old days, if they wanted to find out if somebody was lying, they used to throw 'em in the water.
If they were telling the truth, then they came out alive.
But if they drowned, they were lying.
I like it!
I'm not going in any water. You don't have to. We developed our own trial. Remember?
Ordeal by trousers.
Ordeal by trousers! Ha-ha! I remember!
Me, too. And I'm not doing that, either.
No way! Forget it! It was never reliable, anyway.
It took some nerve, I can tell thee. Sorted the dodgy ones out quick.
What's up wi' him? He's at a critical point in his career.
(He's in trouble. We're calling 'is bluff!)
You're not callin' anything in here. Just sit yourselves down. I don't want any trouble in here.
Ivy, lass. Ivy! Tha's obviously mistakin' us for some troublemakers.
A bloke comes in here for a quiet cuppa.
Quiet?! They can hear you slurpin' in Huddersfield!
Musical lips. It's the draught being sucked in by the holes in his trousers. Like the damper effect.
Tha' could be right, Norm. Pssh! Pssh!
Just watch it, that's all !
I'm not doing it. Well, that's proof enough for me.
Proof? Ordeal by trousers is a schoolboy superstition.
A very powerful superstition. I've seen a lad take a week to recover afterwards.
C'mon, Foggy. All we do is pop a creepy-crawlie down the trousers
and if tha' can last for 30 minutes without twitching, tha's passed.
It was 5 minutes! When we were kids.
It was a real ordeal. I remember Billy Briggs coming out in spots.
It's nonsense. It's superstitious rubbish. ..Besides which, you haven't got a creepy-crawlie.
I'll be back.
Why this sudden interest in show business? You never were before.
It's the church concert. It's a good cause.
Well, don't expect ME to go and see you makin' a fool of yourself.
They're short of male volunteers. They'd be shorter still if they wanted any to do some work.
MUFFLED VOICE: I think it looks really life-like.
I've always thought of you more as the OTHER end.
It's only me. That's as good as saying it's only the Black Death!
Thank you (!)
Keep that thing away from me! It's not that match-box. See if he's lying, Clegg.
How come I get volunteered to look in his match-box?
It's only a little beetle, look! Ohh!
It's only a beetle, Norm! No, no!
Ugh! No! It's only a beetle!
OHH ! Take it outside!
Cor, by heck, that clears the catarrh!
Will you put that thing away? I'm going to put it right down thy trousers in a minute.
I'm not going to be a party to that ridiculous challenge.
Poor beetle, beetling along minding its own business, then popped down somebody's trousers.
Well, it's not being popped down MY trousers!
HOWARD: It's SO nice being so close.
MARINA: Oh, it's close all right, Howard.
It's such a relief to be inconspicuous.
I feel like kicking my legs in the air. How do you feel?
I feel that we have met in some funny places, Howard, but this'll take some beating.
GENERAL CHAT AND GOSSIP
This'll be no surprise, but we're still short of male volunteers.
I'm sure my Barry would've, if he wasn't indisposed.
He should wear sturdier underwear. Mother!
How many men 'ave we got?
One. Apart from Mr McIntyre.
GROANS
- Who's the one? - It's your husband, Pearl. - I never knew he had it in him.
I never knew he was theatrically-minded.
He's the wrong age for coming up wi' surprises.
Listen, we've got an audience coming and nobody to entertain 'em except females.
And Mr McIntyre.
THEY GROAN
You're in a library now. You can't do it in here.
We need witnesses. Witnesses to what? For thee when tha' panics.
Me? Panic? Don't be ridiculous! I'll prove it!
I'm telling you, I don't want any harm to come to that beetle.
That beetle must go free after he's been popped down the trousers.
He's not being popped down MY trousers! Tha's worried about a little beetle! Yes.
Tha'd have cause to worry if I were to take that big brute of a spider and put it down instead! Spider?
Oh! ..Oh! ..Ohh!
Don't be rough with it. I don't want any cruelty.
I can explain. I don't want to KNOW why you were in the reading room fishing down your trousers!
I don't want to go into it any further. It was an emergency! Enough! I won't even think about it!
Now look what you've done! I love it when he looks like that!
Never mind the Infantry, he looks as if he was in the Camel Corps! Guess who was the camel!
Any luck? Nothing.
There's not a man in this town will help out our concert party.
You mention the word and they go all white. They invent an appointment.
Big, tall, muscular men.
We'll have to get someone, or we'll have Mr McIntyre. You'll get him anyway.
We don't want 15 minutes of him!
Oh, no! Not fifteen!
Then we'll have to get someone else. We've been out for an hour tryin'.
That's true. It's no good. We've done all we can.
WAIL OF BADLY-TUNED BAGPIPES
Let's try again! One last attempt!
If tha' flinches, we don't believe thee. How long must we keep this up?
Until we are satisfied tha' has passed the ordeal by trousers.
Do that funny walk again. What do you mean "funny walk"? I was walking perfectly naturally.
It's all right for you. How would YOU like it? I've done it.
When you were ten in short trousers. It's different in long trousers.
Be careful with that beetle!
I-I'm not flinching. No, I'm not flinching. I'm...er, just resting.
CRASH !
KNOCKING
BAGPIPES Here. ..We've found somebody!
A volunteer? We had to apply a little pressure.
At the last minute - the Blue Mountain Boys!
They can't be blue in a church hall. All right, the Pale Lavender Mountain Boys.
Thank you, Mr McIntyre! BAGPIPES TRAIL OFF
Ladies and gentlemen, now we have a surprise item.
Volunteers at the last moment, please welcome the Blue Mountain Goats.
Boys!
The Blue Mountain BOYS !
JAUNTY INTRO
# I'm gonna sit right down and write myself a letter... A letter!
# And make believe it came from you From you!
# I'm gonna write words oh, so sweet They'll knock me off my feet
# Your feet! With kisses on the bottom... Where?
# I'm gonna be glad I've got 'em I'm gonna smile and say, "I hope you're feelin' better..." Better!
# And close with love the way that you do... You do!
# I'm gonna sit right down and write myself a letter
# A letter! And make believe that it came from you! From you! #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd