Hey-up! Where's tha' gadding off to? None of your business!
Course it is. I'm a concerned party.
You're no concern of mine.
Rubbish!
Tha' looks terrific from the back. I always said tha' did.
That's no reason to leave home. Was it something I said?
Nora!
Good morning. Oh, morning, Pearl. You should let me do your shopping.
Men aren't fit to go shopping. I've had to get used to it. And ironing and sewing.
Mind you, I don't do fancy stitches.
Hate to see men shopping.
It encourages shopkeepers to believe that we're all idiots.
Why did you buy this?
I always buy this. This is cheaper. Put that back and get one of these.
But I like this brand.
And what have you got here? You don't want this.
You want this. Oh. Oh, you're hopeless, Norman Clegg.
I'd better come round with you. Oh, good(!)
Never knew I was there, did you? It's all right. Don't be alarmed.
I know I crept up to you within throat-slitting distance, but I'm just practising.
The old jungle craft. There's no point in letting skills go rusty.
I've been there 20 minutes watching you read.
It's your lucky day you don't happen to be a Japanese sentry.
I wish I had a pound for every Japanese sentry...
Used to keep the score, you know.
The knife had more notches on it than blade. We quite wore it away.
If the war had lasted another year, it'd have been down to the bottle-opener.
Eli! Yes, love.
This way, Eli. Throwing your voice. That's clever.
I'm looking for Nora Batty. That's not so clever.
Has tha' seen her? Yes, she just passed here. Great.
Which way did she go? Er...
That way!
I don't know as Edie would let me keep her.
Why not? It melts your heart just to look at her. I know.
She's not going just anywhere. I promised I'd get her a good home.
I'll give her a good home. I know. You can have her for what she cost me.
Oh, I must be going senile.
If word gets out what a soft touch I am, I'll be ruined.
How cheap is she? Well, now, let's see.
There's her keep. There's VAT. She's had a new lead. She's had a run every day.
Yes, the fella that took her for me was an expensive prat.
So, all told, and I'm not making a penny,
I reckon I could let you have her for, er...
Looks like one of those moods. It's "The Thinker" by Rodin.
Certainly not his normal cheery self. It's Napoleon after his defeat at Moscow.
Bog off.
You see, picked up a bit of Russian on the way.
Snap out of it. Get a bit of air down your lungs.
A brisk march will cure that, whatever it is.
What is it? Nora Batty.
Yes, well, that could depress anyone. She's gone.
How do you mean? She just took a suitcase and went.
How big a suitcase? Oh... Well, she won't have gone for long.
People can get into a lot of trouble with only a minimum suitcase,
as any hotelier will testify. And thank you very much(!)
I thought I'd mention it for accuracy. Let me deal with him.
Man with personal problem. I'm trained to deal with that.
Why? Why would she go without telling me?
She knows you'd grab her and chase her round the houses.
Oh, aye. I mean, apart from that.
Can I come in?
Of course you can. You live here.
Get out!
Just wait a minute.
Now stand still and don't move.
You can come in now.
Nice to feel wanted.
Stand still and don't shake yourself about. I've just cleaned this floor.
I can see that. Credit where it's due.
You keep a serious floor.
Compliments?! I don't like the sound of that. You must want something.
Why should I want anything? Don't lie to me.
As it happens, there was something I wanted to talk to you about.
Surprise, surprise.
Just because she was carrying an overnight case doesn't necessarily mean she's staying overnight.
She could have gone for a week.
Will you be quiet? She's got another bloke.
You can't assume that from a suitcase.
It might have been the convenient size for whatever she was carrying.
She's probably at home scrubbing something. I know she's gone.
I can feel it here.
Where?
Here.
Oh, gets you right in the pullover, does it? It does, Norman.
Ah, that's bad. A very powerful seat of emotions is the pullover.
COMPO FIRES PRETEND GUN
I say she's back in the house and I'm a trained observer, remember?
And I'm telling thee she's gone. She's not in the house.
Well, there's only one way to find out.
Go and ring the bell. It's a waste of time. At least you'd know. I know now.
I can feel it in here. It's the pullover again.
His pullover is psychic.
It's got too many holes to be psychic.
Maybe it's its holes that give it its mysterious power.
Will somebody please ring the bell? YOU ring the bell.
Why should I ring the bell? I think she's in there.
And if she's in there, we all know what'll happen if we ring the bell.
He should ring the bell. He doesn't think she's there.
Therefore if she's not in there, he's not running as big a risk as me, because I think she IS in there.
..Yes.
All right, I'll go and ring the bell.
I tell thee she's gone.
You shouldn't have bought her. I was gonna call her Lassie.
But why Lassie? I don't know. It just came to me.
Too ugly to be called Lassie. She's got character. It'll make a mess on my front.
I'll clean it up.
SHOP!
Who's that with the big mouth?
Would you believe Egon Ronay?
I might have known. Freeman, Hardy and Willis!
Just hold your rush. I've got things on the boil in here.
I thought I had with Nora Batty. You've got a psychic pullover.
Behave yourself. You know what Ivy's like when she's in a mood.
Are you suicidal?
I am.
I am!
Oh, that's a good idea. Why didn't you think of that before?
Can I ask thee a simple question?
No, I have not got any free stale buns.
This establishment does not deal in stale buns.
That wasn't the question. I haven't got any free non-stale buns either.
I... Keep your nose out of it!
Pass.
Er, all I wanted to ask was, does tha' know where Nora's gone? Nora who?
..Nora who?!
Did you hear that? I just asked her if she knew where Nora had gone,
and she said, "Nora who?"
What's up with him?
We think it's his age. Wearing psychic pullovers.
I still think she's ugly. She's lovely.
What do you want her for? "Want her for"?
Look at her, woman. How can you resist her?
But Lassie. Why do you want to call it Lassie?
I am. I'm going to call her Lassie.
Welcome home, Lass!
It's funny Ivy don't know where Nora is. Must've kept it a secret.
Why should she be keeping it a secret? She's up to summat.
Like what? Probably got a fancy man.
Why should Nora Batty have a fancy man?
Tha' can't go through life as attractive as Nora and not get involved with fellas.
I hope she knows what she's doing.
I hope she hasn't got some sharpie who's gonna break her heart.
Fire! She's on fire!
Try the handle. What? The handle!
Fire!
Wha...wha...what was that for?!
We thought tha' were on fire. We could have saved your life.
I'm all psyched up for saving life. Are you sure you're not on fire?
I'm sure I'm soaking wet. It suits thee, Smiler.
God, I were getting a day of peace. I were enjoying getting my feet up.
Does tha' know where Nora's gone?
She's gone to her cousin Nellie's. Nellie's in bed with a broken leg and Nora's going to help her out.
What'd I tell you? Quite harmless.
Ain't that Cousin Nellie what's married to Clem Overbury?
He's a bit thick, old Clem Overbury. And a bit of a swine with the women.
I think Nora is safe.
I honestly believe that Nora is safe.
Tha's not saying that to cheer me up? No.
I don't like it.
How can you not like it? You haven't tried it yet.
What do we need it for? It'll be easy to clean your upstairs windows.
We can do that with stepladders. Suppose we get a taller house.
I'll be able to clean everybody's windows.
Don't forget. That lever there, pull it slowly when I tell you.
And then stop when I tell you.
What do you think I am? A mechanical idiot?
Right.
Now send me up.
I think we've got a morale problem here.
Here, get this down you and cheer up. It's all right for thee.
It's my bird what's in a house with Clem Overbury.
I think that calls for a moment's silence...
in sympathy for Clem.
Well, I've been alone for years and nothing's ever happened to me.
Sympathy for Clem?
What about Nora alone in the house with a mauler like Clem?
He were always deadly with women.
What, Clem Overbury? He's as thick as a pudding. Aye, big and thick.
The sort women can't resist.
I must say, I've never seen Clem in the role of a lady-killer.
Mind you, I could imagine him strangling a few old ladies.
I don't like it. Her alone in the house with that swine - Clem Overbury.
But she's not alone. Clem's wife's there.
With a broken leg.
What sort of a man is it that would break his wife's leg, just to lure Nora into that house?
I didn't want him to go up in the first place.
I didn't want you to go up in the first place! I didn't intend to!
I was aiming for some other place!
I know what it is!
I've neglected her. Sounds reasonable to me.
If I had Nora Batty, I'd neglect her too.
I wouldn't say you'd neglected her.
You've been a thorn in her side for years. A woman needs pampering.
The little softie. You wouldn't think he had a 'pamp' in him.
Maybe she thinks nobody cares.
This is getting really sickening.
I agree. Little Miss Lonely Hearts is overdoing it.
I've made up me mind. I'm gonna do something about it afore it's too late.
A few flowers. It's so simple. Why didn't I think of it afore?
Because you've never been senile before. You've never any money.
That's true, Norm. Tha' can't argue with that. I've never any money.
Tha' throw it away on the horses.
You could put three bookies down as dependents on your tax return.
This is crunch time. Am I gonna buy Nora Batty some flowers or am I gonna waste my money on the horses?
I could understand it better if you bought the flowers for the horses.
I've made up me mind.
I'm gonna take me horse money for some flowers for Nora Batty.
"Greater love hath no man." Are you sure you know what you're doing?
I mean, horses are so much friendlier. They can bite.
Even then.
Hello, love. Erm...
SPEECH INAUDIBLE
Tha' could buy two acres and a barn for that.
Has tha' seen these prices? Now what, little Romeo?
We're gonna put some money on the horses and pick some wild flowers.
That's what I like. The great British compromise.
Well, come on. Give us a hand.
Picking flowers? No job for a trained killer.
Oh, all right then. Pick stinging nettles.
Oh, we'd better give him a hand. We could be here all day.
There don't actually appear to be many. Must be some somewhere.
They're tiny little things. She'll want something decent.
It's not how big they are. It's the thought that counts.
I wanted it to be a surprise. Hey-up.
Hey, look what I've picked here.
And look who it is!
Will you kindly stop taking liberties with a person's hat?
I was just showing this person the rudiments of botany.
Come out for a good 'bot', did you, Howard?
Norman Clegg that was!
It's always a pleasure to meet an unattached male. I'm attached.
Tell her. Tell her I'm attached. Oh, stop quivering, man.
You'll have to excuse us. We've a lot to do on the daisy family.
Is that a flower in your hand, Norman Clegg?
I bet he's powerfully sentimental underneath.
I reckon tha' could be lucky there, Norm.
Entire new career beckons... as a toy-boy.
You read about these things.
One wrong move and you wake up in a house of ill-repute in Buenos Aires.
They'll be all right, these. They'll do fine. Be a surprise. That's what they like, a surprise.
She's had more than a few of them from you. Not like this, she hasn't. SPLUTTERING ENGINE
Sounds like Wesley. He'll give us a lift.
Are you sure we need a lift in a thing that sounds like that? He never drives anything else.
It's a mobile salad strainer.
Wesley has gone and got himself a mobile salad strainer.
How do, lads? Want a lift?
Agghh! Watch me flowers!
Whose great idea was it to get us a lift?
I haven't had so much fun since I was sick at the fairground.
Look at me flowers. You said yourself, "It's not the gift, it's the surprise that counts."
Anybody who gets flowers like that as a gift is bound to be surprised.
What am I gonna do? Clegg, we need a vase.
I love it when he gets all dominant.
You can put them in a vase and you can give her the vase as well.
They'll look all right in a vase.
Yes, well... That looks even worse!
Well, we need a taller, thinner vase.
Any fool can see that.
There you are, you see. Dewhurst does it again.
Ah, great! I'll get the vase back, Cleggy, when she's done with it.
Don't say it's mine. I don't want her thinking I'm giving her flowers.
Not to worry, son. These are going to be delivered personally.
Be careful. All right. Mind your leg.
Take me down, Wesley!
Take me up, Wesley!
Aggghhh!
Subtitles by BBC Scotland 1992