Right! Your easel's in the car with all your paints. Now go and paint.
People stare!
You're not going to let that stop you?
You always said you wanted to paint.
I'll paint in the garage.
No, you won't. You'll go and find a nice view.
It'll take your mind off wanting to eat.
Stopping slimming would work better.
Go!
Be a Constable!
They make you feel more like a WPC.
Breaks your heart, doesn't it?
No.
Not even bruised.
Oh, come on!
You can drop that macho pose with me.
Who knows how many these hands may have killed,
but I'm still not afraid to show my caring side. We've noticed.
Like the perfume, don't we?
Tell everybody. "Hobbo smells delicious."
It's not perfume, it's aftershave.
And I wear a recommended moisturiser.
Where's the harm in that?
If Howard had taken more care of his complexion, maybe he'd still have a home.
Do you think she still loves me?
Unlikely.
No chance.
Give over! Of course Pearl still loves him.
Where's your proof?
Does she have any private nicknames for you?
I mean, what does she call you, Howard, in these special moments?
"Hey, you!"
And I get "moron" a lot.
Would you recognise me in these?
YES.
How about from a distance?
Say from Huddersfield, possibly not.
Why do you need a disguise, Barry?
I wouldn't call it a disguise, it's just that you don't always want to be recognised.
Oh, right, mmm.
Do you recognise this person?
Never seen him before.
You must have known Chester Pilsworth?
Every pub landlady knew Chester.
We used to throw him out in rotation.
Not any more.
He's stopped drinking.
I don't believe you!
He was one of the rocks of the innkeeper's trade.
He's not poorly, is he?
Worse. He's heavily second married.
That was his other interest.
Even drunk he had a steady eye for a barmaid's blouse.
He's steadier now. She's got him housebound and doing home improvements.
They go that way sometimes, second wives.
Get a bit of makeup and their hair done nice...
They've lured many a poor soul into home improvements.
I shudder to think how much danger we're constantly in.
You're safe enough round here.
Listen, if it can happen to Chester Pilsworth there's nobody safe.
Don't hold your breath.
I shall be gone the first time you start waving any paint catalogues.
Are you making love to me?
Good heavens, woman! What kind of question is that?
It's just that my antenna's twitching.
Well, turn the damn thing off.
You saw that? Class A guilty look.
Written all over him.
He's got something in his car he didn't want us to see.
Just about to remove it, wasn't he?
Question is, what?
The first day I put this uniform on
I knew I had to be prepared for this. For what?
Coming across somebody getting rid of a body.
Whoa, whoa!
We shall never be finished by the end of the shift.
Why should it be a body?
He's not going to come all this way to get rid of his rubbish.
They dump that nearer town.
It could be anything. That he's trying to hide? Go on, such as what?
Maybe it's a musical instrument.
He comes out here to get some practice and he's embarrassed if anybody's around.
I like that.
It makes him much more sympathetic.
Human and vulnerable.
The kind of person you could empathise with.
I like that a lot.
It beats bodies by a mile.
I like that.
What?
We come in peace.
Not to mention fear and trembling.
Something's tickling you two.
What are you up to?
You'll be getting a visit from Hobbo.
With a message from Howard.
Remember Howard? He used to live here.
Tell him to slip it under the door.
He can't, it's a kiss.
Howard's sending you a kiss.
Again?
Is he going senile?
We had one on honeymoon.
Hobbo just delivery boy.
Don't tell him we warned you.
Supposed to be big surprise.
What?
What makes the world go round?
In these parts it's mostly stupidity.
Love is the answer I'm looking for.
I come with a message from your greatest admirer.
And I've got one for him.
He bids me give you these.
And this.
What's he doing?! What's he doing?! Doing all right.
You sent the message.
In a plain envelope. That's far too fancy.
Must be first class.
There's no reply.
Cuffs and collars.
I'm notoriously picky about my cuffs and collars.
It's only me! Come in, Glenda.
Always a pleasure.
It's Morton, really, I want to see.
You want to see me?
What have I done? Relax.
It's good news.
You're going to Gloria's wedding.
I've nothing to wear.
I've not been invited.
My friend Moira has, and she can take a guest. You're going.
I'm going with a Moira?
I'm not good with strangers.
She's a very nice person.
Translation, looks like an old mattress.
Not true. She's quite attractive.
I'm not good with quite attractive.
I am,
but my wife will be there.
It's my opportunity to win back the little...
woman.
She never kisses me like that.
Are you using the right moisturiser?
I was a complete prisoner.
All I could think of was name, rank and number.
How long have you been big kisser?
It wasn't me.
If you'd looked closely you would have seen I was in a defensive posture.
You took your time getting away!
She has a strong grip for a small person.
It's a bit much when you have to learn facts about your wife from a neighbour.
You mean you didn't know she had a strong grip?
You don't like to pry.
Forget it. It's over now.
Not for Howard. He's jealous.
Of me? The man who's sworn to get him safely back into his wife's loving arms?
Last time he looked, wife's arms seemed full.
He's got you spotted as a terror with the ladies.
Doesn't he know that I'm dedicated to a life of service?
You kissed him? In front of Howard?
In broad daylight?
Did I ever!
I thought I'd forgotten how, but it soon came back to me.
In the pub trade you have to act as if it never left.
I couldn't do with stuff like that coming back unless it was good for arthritis!
One kiss and he looked terrified.
I'm sure I didn't always have that effect. Ask your Howard.
He'll not remember.
I wonder what effect I once had on Travis.
Can't you remember?
No, not really.
It's like we were two other people then.
Both of us alive.
Ladies, Hobbo's on his way with Howard. They're arguing.
Howard thinks Hobbo big ladies man.
Unlikely.
You ladies could soon give that impression.
Howard's jealous.
Say no more.
What? Hussy!
Come and sit down, man.
You're supposed to be mending fences, not calling her names.
It's so bare-faced.
Kissing people outside her own front door!
She's attracted to you.
Nobody's attracted to me!
They can sense the coldness that lies within the lethal machine.
He's so cuddly.
Mother!
I sometimes wish I was.
Ooh, I know what you mean. Ooh!
Are you going my way?
Ooh, you shouldn't be allowed out in that aftershave.
It ought to be banned, it's lethal!
Stop!
Did you see that, eh?
The way I landed like a cat?
We heard the startled meow. Big pussy.
Barry! Thought it was you.
They do.
You think you're alone and they come from nowhere.
How's it going, Barry?
Getting worse, thank you.
It does that.
So what are we painting?
And hiding?
I wouldn't say hiding, exactly.
It's hardly worth a look.
Oh!
I could murder a few chips.
So what's the problem?
I'm slimming.
Sorry to hear that, Barry.
That too will pass.
Is there a reason for this, apart from the lack of moral fibre?
I'm doing it for Glenda.
Don't you find the house empty without him?
He doesn't exactly fill it when he's in it.
But they do, just by being there.
Travis can go a whole day without saying a word, but it's a silence that feels like he's shouting.
Have you never thought of throwing Travis out?
I can recommend it.
You get all those little jobs done that you've been meaning to.
Travis is so helpless.
If I threw him out I'd have to give him directions.
You have to be hard.
You warm his pyjamas, how hard is that?
You have to be hard and warm his pyjamas.
Do you think he's had enough?
No.
Is this beautiful, or what?
It is, it's beautiful.
Because things are local, people take them for granted.
People come for miles.
Does good fishcakes, too. It was good of you to fetch them.
That's my team. That's what we do.
I'm going to feel guilty now.
I daren't face Glenda.
We have the answer for that, too.
You'll join us for a drink later, you'll soon be up to facing Glenda.
I'm not sure... That's settled, then.
Alvin, make sure we don't leave any litter.
It sounds like Entwistle's eating his.
Only greasy bits.
How's the campaign going? Nowhere.
I could have told you.
One placard, not even in colour, no images. It's not enough.
You need more oomph. You need more impact, more punch.
Attract people's sympathy.
How do I do that? Leave it with me.
I think he has a plan.
It's funny you should say that.
That's two plans. Don't forget, we're taking Barry for a drink.
Remain calm. I can handle two plans.
I have an operational brain.
Needs operation.
Sympathy, that's the key.
Sympathy.
You're not intending to bite that in the car?
It seemed a better idea than going to Huddersfield to do it.
What about all the collateral damage?
From an apple? If you had a close-up fast film of you biting that apple,
you'd see a fine spray of juice spurting in all directions.
Give over! It's like a fine mist.
It's like a blood spatter, isn't it?
When some chuff gets whacked on the head and there's blood everywhere on the walls and ceiling.
I'm really glad you brought that up when I'm eating.
It sprays for yards.
They measure it.
Who measures it? The police.
You could be measuring it if we get on the right crime scene.
Blood everywhere, little bits of gristle.
If you don't want that apple, I could...
You've got to give him points for trying.
He's been outside all morning waving a homeless poster.
Aren't you worried where he's sleeping?
He's roughing it on hand embroidered pillows in Hobbo's guest bedroom.
I thought he was camping out.
That's what we're supposed to think.
Still, you must miss him.
Don't quote me because I'll deny it, but in a strange sort of way I do.
It's maddening.
We remember the queerest things about them.
I can still see my Wilf's big toe nail.
I can't remember the foot, just the nail.
I would say my Barry has executive toenails.
You could take them anywhere. Not in my cafe, thank you.
I don't think I've ever seen Travis' feet.
You must have. I don't know why.
Where is it compulsory?
You sleep with him.
The right way up.
I've no clear recollection of what he's like at the other end.
I can picture every inch of my Barry.
It's a good job your mother's not here!
Bless her.
Her idea of naked was my father taking his cap off.
It's no good, I can't.
What? Remember Travis's feet.
Have you never been to the seaside?
Never seen Travis paddling?
It's not a sight that draws the eyes.
He was never going to be any competition for the lighthouse.
You'd think men could never be attractive.
I must say I find my Wilf more attractive since he's been dead.
I think that's awful.
These are the men in your lives.
What about affection?
Well, you don't think we kept them all those years because they were useful?
Not that big as ornaments either.
You know what's up with you lot?
You daren't show your feelings.
Eat your cake, love.
MYSTERIOUS TONE
Now what?
Here as promised, Barry.
I see you've come inconspicuously.
Just another poor soul in need of refreshment.
Why doesn't he take the chain off?
He's lost the key.
Don't worry about it. Electric Ent will soon have him free.
Have to take wheel off, or maybe leg off.
Take him, get him in a better mood.
And don't bring him back late.
And no more fish and chips!
How did she know about the fish and chips? They just know.
CLANGING
Be careful!
Oh, shut up, you big girl's blouse.
You want free, don't you?
In one piece.
You'll thank us afterwards.
Ow!
That didn't sound like thanks.
He wants to look where he's banging.
He's better with his eyes shut. Can't bear human suffering.
Don't mind a certain amount.
Get him off!
Listen, you'll be free in a minute, then it's off to the pub and all your troubles are over.
You promised you'd get me home.
Have I ever let you down?
Yes.
Don't believe this outburst, Barry.
You're in good hands. A pity they're not attached to a brain.
Are you sure you've got this evening well planned?
I planned the invasion of Albania, didn't I?
Who invaded Albania?
Nobody yet. But when they're ready, I've got the plan.
I'm going to be covered in bruises.
You're alone in the world. Who's going to see?
Oh, stop cheering him up.
I'll have to change these trousers.
We're wasting drinking time.
I can't go wearing a wheel!
Who's going to notice? Your feet will be under the table.
I hate wearing a wheel!
Can we get on our way, please?
You're stuck with it for now.
We'll work it loose later.
Why has he only got one wheel?
Got the other one nicked when we left him in a car park.
I shan't have to be late.
You keep saying that.
You heard the instructions and they came from She Who Knows
When You've Been Secretly Meeting Two Fish and One Portion of Chips.
I thought you had mushy peas.
I bet she's clocked that as well!
How do they know?
Learn at mother's knee.
I never had a mother. Not even a knee?
I suppose it goes a long way to explaining why I've become this solitary, warrior figure.
You said you'd get me home!
Is this a problem?
You've got a key to your own house, haven't you?
Right, then. Tonight we go for the direct approach.
You have a drink or two, get brave, go home, use the key, slam the door behind you... Bingo!
I'm going to need more than this!
It's on it's way. By gad, I do enjoy spreading a little happiness.
Ask anyone. They'll tell you.
It's dark.
That was yesterday.
Only yesterday?
That's good. I mustn't be late.
Too late.
Well, I enjoyed that. I feel better than I've felt for...
Where's the key?
I've often wondered.
Life's such a mystery.
You've got the key.
To life? That's wonderful!
His key.
How many keys is that?!
SHH!
Will Pearl let him in?
She'll have no choice.
The plan is we throw him in.
Can we amend plan to insert him in gently?
Who said that? It was Howard.
How long has he been with us?.
Seems like forever. I thought I knew the voice.
You remember me?
Since you dropped me in High Street.
Once. You drop a person once and they never let you forget.
There you go, Howard.
Happy homecoming. Don't! I'll get all weepy.
Me too. We invented weepy.
I think it's great to be part of bringing two people together again.
We should drink more often. We will.
Starting Monday. I'm away Monday.
OH!
Well...
we tried.
Job done!
Bad mood?
Terrible.
You should have told her how attractive she looks.
It's no good,
she knows when he's lying.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd