Instead of travelling by bicycle, I might have been a Greek shipping millionaire.
Tha's not even Greek.
He could lie.
I mean if, if people saw him dancing and breaking a few plates he might get away with it.
I'm speaking hypothetically.
That's Greek for a start.
I'm assuming I was born Greek.
Did your mother know you were Greek?
I mean, as far as I know she never went further than Bridlington.
Maybe he could be a Bridlington shipping millionaire.
It's not the same, is it?
I'm talking oil tankers and love affairs with opera singers.
Have you seen the size of opera singers?
Tha'd need thee bicycle just to give her a cuddle.
Howard?
Military history.
Tell everybody you're interested in military history.
Have you nothing better to do than stare at people? What did you have in mind?
I've nothing in mind except getting on with some work without being stared at by people.
You're always working. I've noticed that.
And I've noticed that you're not.
Do you realise, if I'd been some Greek shipping millionaire we'd never have met?
Unless of course you'd been gifted with some extraordinary singing voice.
What are you drivelling about?
And it would have had to have been SOME voice.
You'll get the rough end of it in a minute.
You weren't really cut out to be a rich man's plaything.
You need a makeover.
Have you ever been hit with a dustpan and brush?
You'll have to sweeten your personality if you're ever
to be snapped up by some playboy looking for something different.
I mean, really different.
He'll want you to do something with your hair.
Billy's looking very thoughtful.
Oh, is he? I thought he was just a bit retarded.
I'm wondering where we go when we're dead.
Sorry. Is the tea all that bad?
Are you planning a trip? If he is, I hope he's not asking for company.
A bloke's allowed to think seriously now and again.
You can't just throw away a lifetime's reputation for being barmy.
What about the afterlife?
What about it?
Does tha think it's going to be anything like life as we know it?
Like noisy at weekends?
He's dodging it.
What about thee, Truly?
The afterlife is not something of immediate interest to anybody on an index-linked pension.
It's just that I wonder sometimes what the chances are of me meeting our Robin.
You think that Robin Hood is up there somewhere?
Waiting for you?
I'm not saying waiting.
He's probably busy organising the archery competition.
And the bingo.
I wonder who's doing the catering.
I knew I'd get nowhere with you lot.
KNOCK AT THE DOOR
Ask him about the afterlife.
He leads a double life. One more shouldn't be beyond him.
Who leads a double life?
We know it's only part-time, Howard. Relax.
Billy wants to know what you think about the afterlife.
I think it's all right where it is,
and I'm all right where I am.
Tha must think about it sometimes.
Ah, Howard has other things on his mind. I deny that.
I scarcely know the young lady.
I'm getting worried about Barry.
He just agrees with me all the time.
I think you may have stumbled on the secret of a successful marriage.
It's the secret of mine.
He's a perfectly bright human being otherwise,
but with me it's like he's got no mind of his own.
Thank you. The thing to remember is,
they're almost certainly better off using ours.
How bad is he? Watch.
Barry!
What? What is it?
Tea or coffee, Barry? Whatever you're having.
I'm having coffee.
Coffee's good. No, I'm not.
I'm going to have tea for a change.
Tea's fine.
I'd like to know which you'd really prefer, Barry.
Tell me which YOU'D really like.
I'd like...
whichever you're having.
Oh, yes, there was just one little thing. ALL: Oh.
Oh, come on!
Pearl's out now
and when she comes back I want you to come and call for me.
Hands up anyone who wants to call for Howard.
Oh, come on! Stop fooling about.
What about stage two, Howard? What happens if we do call for thee?
Nothing.
Sounds too good to be true.
I'd arrest him on suspicion. Suspicion of what?
Oh, we'd think of something.
If it's so nothing why are we calling for you?
All right, there is one little addition.
ALL: Aah!
It's nothing.
I just want Pearl to hear me saying, "No, thanks, I won't come out.
"I want to finish me library book."
You see.
It's getting tricky.
I knew it would end up getting tricky.
I wouldn't call it tricky.
I'm just trying to establish how interested I've recently become in military history.
Which is why I can't tear myself away from my library book.
Military history?
Love it.
I believe him. He's about the right size for Napoleon.
I see him more as Josephine.
I still think there's more.
Come clean, Howard.
What happens when tha's finished this book?
Well, what could be more natural than a person having to go to the library in search of another?
They kept the Post Office in Dalton Road.
Oh, she fancied herself, did that one.
He was pleasant enough.
She used to sneer if you bought second-class stamps.
She was always well turned out.
I bet he wished he could have turned her out.
He doted on her.
She always wore nice earrings.
The gossip she used to spread, they must have been microphones.
She had no room to talk.
That daughter of hers knew her way round a few local beauty spots.
She married well, didn't she?
I don't know about well.
I think often was more accurate.
There aren't many Post Offices left. No.
It makes you wonder why progress is always so inconvenient.
I'm calling to see if it's ready
and to make sure there's no hidden extras.
Is the vehicle ready for collection?
At the price agreed?
Good. Have you checked it over? Is it roadworthy?
Plenty of leg room.
Good visibility.
Plenty of room in the back.
It should be ideal. They're coming for it now.
It's ready for you. And don't scratch it.
A real vehicle?
A genuine motor vehicle?
I don't know why you're so surprised.
We're gobsmacked. It's not another tandem with a trailer is it?
How many more times? It's a motor vehicle.
What kind?
Suitable for carrying small loads.
Bags of room in the back. What do they call them?
An estate.
And there's no wonder.
At that price I should have got 50 acres and a lake.
I've got just the thing for you.
I've been saving it. It's absolutely you.
The most thrilling romance I've read this year.
Romance? Yes. It's got everything.
Love, passion, adventure.
Done that.
I'm looking for something different.
Oh! That's going to depress spirits in certain quarters.
How different?
May we help? I hope so.
I have this urge for something more serious.
You're not going off to be a nun again?
Oh, no, that was just a whim.
I was under an emotional strain.
It wouldn't have been a good career move.
Everybody says that,
forgetting how completely attractive I would have been in the uniform.
So if it's not that,
have you any special interest in mind?
Curiously enough, I find myself being drawn towards military history.
You're not involved with that sailor again?
No. That was just a ship that passed in the night.
I thought it was two nights.
He never turned up for the second.
Took to the lifeboat, did he?
I expect he was called away on some emergency.
He warned me how dangerous his work was.
He was very dramatic.
He made a girl feel like she was going down with all hands.
I've got this urge to have a stroll int' greenwood,
take a deep breath...
inhale the perfumes of nature...
and find a nice little country pub.
Sounds good to me.
I like the outdoor life.
I like it the way we do it.
We've got to call for Howard first
so that he can do his library book routine.
Oh, she'll never fall for it.
I don't know why they bothered inventing lie detectors.
Soon as you're married, you find you've got one.
And if you're very unlucky, it has a sister.
If Pearl answers the door, don't look her straight in the eye.
Look at her feet, otherwise she'll think it's a plot.
Listen, I bet Pearl's feet don't miss much either.
It's all a question of the right tone of voice.
What do you want?
What do we want? You silly muffin. We're here by arrangement.
Your arrangement.
Good day to you, Howard.
Would you care to join us?
It's no good now. She's out back.
She's not listening.
(Can you come back when she's available?)
I knew it, it's getting tricky already.
He dreams up these plots but he can't get them organised.
I can't stop Pearl going out back.
You're eating into our leisure time, Howard.
Out there somewhere, Howard, nestling in its own valley, a little pub is waiting for us.
Just hang about.
She'll be here again in a minute.
And how are we supposed to know that Pearl is available?
I'll give you a signal. It'll go wrong.
I'll bet it goes wrong.
I'll twitch the curtain.
What's to go wrong?
Which window? That one.
What's wrong with your hair?
I mean, what's more than normally wrong with your hair?
I don't know why he keeps on about it.
Doesn't he realise that we come from a generation that was dedicated to boring hair? It was a signal.
You were flying your colours and what they said was, "Keep off, we don't fool about".
I expect he's forgotten.
When we were young, if you had fancy hair you were up to no good.
Oh, up to no good was achievable without fancy hair if you put your mind to it.
Is this an observation or experience?
Oh, just an observation.
I would never be able to go astray unless Travis went with me.
That's really doing things together.
I know just what you mean.
My Wally used to follow me everywhere.
That's because you had him on a lead.
I gave him time for his pigeons.
I think Travis has some pigeon in him.
He always comes straight home.
Is that bad?
Well, it is if you want to wash your hair in peace.
You send him out for a walk, he wants a kiss at the front door.
You turn round and he's coming in at the back.
I never kissed my Wally at the front door.
Travis needs the reassurance.
I don't want to give the impression that I was always hard on Wally.
Too late!
Quite often when I was shouting at him it would be in a...softer voice.
Oh, you spoiled him as much as that?
Oh, hello, love. What can we get you?
What are we having, Barry?
I want you to choose, Barry.
How long is he going to be before he twitches that curtain?
Restrain yourself, impatient tall person.
Relax, Billy.
It's not as if the barmaid's attractive.
After a few pints she's attractive.
After a few pints the landlord's attractive.
I don't agree. He looks too much like the former Mrs Truelove.
It's the principle of the thing.
We shouldn't be encouraging Howard's schemes.
Not when they get in the way of our refreshment.
He's heavily married. Have you no sympathy?
I'm heavily married. Who's got sympathy for me?
You, mostly.
As a direct descendent of Robin Hood, Billy, it's your own fault
if you go and marry the Sheriff of Nottingham.
There's some truth in that.
I blame stag nights.
You're in no condition the next morning to know what you're doing.
Stand by. I thought I saw a twitch.
No. Howard's twitchier than that.
I thought I saw a hand.
The hand.
The Creeping Hand.
I saw that picture. There it was, all on its own, up to no good,
crabbing it along the carpet.
Yes. That sounds like Howard.
I'm sure I saw a twitch.
Now, do we knock on the door or wait for the next twitch?
I say we wait. I believe in being absolutely sure of your twitch.
GLASS SHATTERS
Now that's what I call a twitch.
Hey, where's our transport? Auntie says it's ready.
Question is, are you ready?
For what?
New motoring experience.
Oh, we've been ready for years.
Anything's better than a handcart.
She says there's plenty of room in the back.
No problem. Also a roof rack.
You hear that?
Also a roof rack.
No more handcart.
We have to talk, Barry.
Barry, we have to talk. Mmm.
Not just grunt, Barry.
Real words. Put the book down.
Do you realise that human beings
are made of exactly the same stuff as the stars?
I never knew that.
Are you listening to me? I'm listening.
Good. Because I'm worried about you.
I don't want you slipping into that condition
where some husbands leave everything to their wives.
Imagine! You and me and the stars.
Because that's a sure way to lose the ability to make decisions.
You'll end up with no mind of your own.
I don't want you always agreeing with me, Barry.
I want you to have your own opinion about things.
Any questions?
Why don't we twinkle in the dark?
OK. Open eyes now.
Plenty room in back.
But it's for funerals.
Used to be funerals.
Now for deliveries.
Is it empty?
Anything you find, you keep.
You see? Luxury interior.
Very big improvement on handcart.
It is. I like it.
It's very me.
There's even a little vase for flowers.
Moves like a limousine.
Goodbye, handcart!
Hello, creepy machine!
What's creepy about it?
The speed! We could walk faster.
Put the foot down.
It is down. The handcart was faster.
Thanks.
Could I ask you all a personal question?
I don't see why not. They're usually the more interesting.
And it's not as if there's any men here
with big ears and a loose tongue.
Just a bunch of women with big ears and a loose tongue.
I wouldn't say that.
Well, neither would I
if there WERE any men here with big ears and a loose tongue.
Mine's gone to change his library book.
He's into military history.
We're getting more shot and shell.
I'm surprised he's not wearing a steel helmet to bed.
I don't think our bed's ever qualified as a battleground.
Travis very rarely leaves his trenches.
Lucky you.
Let the girl ask her question.
It's just that I was wondering
if any of your husbands had ended up with no minds of their own.
Minds of their own? Are they supposed to have?
I don't know about ending up like that.
I thought they started like that.
Well, mine did.
He said, "I do" at the altar.
And that's the last time he's made any decision concerning the both of us.
When we went dancing, he used to lead.
Where does it go?
I think it's nature's way of ensuring the survival of the species.
But isn't it like living with a zombie?
Oh, very. Credit where it's due.
I would like to have been a footnote in history.
Nothing fancy. No showing off. Just something modestly exceptional.
Not so much a footnote, more a toe-note.
Or even a toenail note.
On this date, it would say, "Alvin broke the world record for..." What?
Persistent, dedicated and truly impressive eccentricity.
You think I'm eccentric?
Well, only from the back.
From the front you're...
weird.
There aren't any world records left for a bloke to break.
Tha could invent one.
Tha could hop from Huddersfield to Darlington with one leg in a teapot.
I bet nobody's done that.
Too noisy. I hate travelling in teapots.
Very wise. They're dangerous on corners.
Only at excessive speeds.
Tha can't accuse that of excessive speed.
Do you want a lift?
Aren't we supposed to have a funeral first?
Have we time for a lift?
Doesn't your conveyance go any faster?
She's better downhill.
You see how we really blend in with the background.
Every young girl's dream, Howard.
If by some chance we are spotted,
what could be more innocent than two people
searching for evidence of where a battle was fought in the Civil War?
What was there to fight about out here?
I expect it was an area of vital strategic importance.
Not only am I becoming exhausted, but I'm gaining an education.
You'll enjoy it better once we switch your metal detector on.
I can't wait.
Mascara started running, has it?
I'm looking at these little lines at the edge of the eye.
You know what they are, don't you?
That's the badge of experience.
What experience?
Life at the edge. The years of stress and danger.
You were doing Superintendent's paperwork.
Well, he's a dangerous twot for a start.
You'll not be wrinkle-free
when you've looked death in the face as often as I have.
Have you seen my delivery vehicle,
which might be mistaken for a hearse?
No.
I'm sure we'd have noticed one of them.
Barry, you did a "no" all by yourself.
I want you to go and get your car, lad,
and see if you can find my vehicle.
You decide, Barry,
whether to get the car and go and look for Auntie's vehicle.
Do you think I should?
Hop to it, lad. There's a reward in it.
You're offering a reward?
It's automatic in these cases.
The reward is you get this warm feeling of satisfaction
because you've helped an old lady.
Are you lot together?
He's not all that together, but yes.
Have you got transport? Have we got transport!
Has it got room in the back? Oh, I think we can safely say that.
It's even got a little vase with a flower in it.
Pay no attention. He used to be the village idiot.
Until the village got bigger and the competition fiercer.
But still he tries.
Runner-up last season.
Twice highly commended. Oh!
Have you got room for one more?
Grandad's had a drop too much.
HE MUTTERS INCOHERENTLY
A drop?
It's his birthday.
# Happy birthday... #
You wouldn't give him a lift home, would you?
I can't leave the pub.
Old proverb says, "Wise man lets sleeping grandads lie".
Tha can't leave him there. He'll get trodden on.
It could be an attraction.
It's not every day you get the opportunity.
He looks happy enough where he is. Are you sure he's not dead?
He said, "Happy birthday".
Which could fall into the category of famous last words.
Happy birthday? Mmm.
I can see it now on his gravestone.
"Happy Birthday."
Be nice to see something cheerful for a change.
Brighten up the whole churchyard.
He's not dead!
He can't lose.
We got right vehicle either way.
A Civil War battlefield.
We're walking in the footsteps of history.
Because it's too rough to ride a bicycle!
It must have been terrible.
It still is.
If they had to march all this way,
I'm surprised they had any strength left to fight.
I expect they brought sandwiches.
Oh, don't be disheartened.
I love bringing you to lonely places. And this is a lulu.
Just you and me.
And 200-weight of metal detector.
He-ee-ee's had a few.
I hope he's not driving.
He's very heavy for a grandad.
They're heavier than people think.
Trust us to get a heavy one.
Ye gods! Have I had that much?
Look!
Happy birthday!
Not much further.