And that's supposed to entertain the over-60s?!
I hope they think it's been worth waiting 60 years.
Give us a chance!
It looks better in costume.
And with the pizzazz - lights, music...
The audience leaving.
Do you think she can smile?
Do you think the muscles have gone slack?
Seen her corsets? I don't think there's a chance for anything to go slack.
She was married to Wally for 50 years!
I don't think he raised a smile.
He was probably waiting till she was in a good mood.
Some fella, just sitting there... All alone... On this wall.
Do you think he's going to jump? And dash himself to pieces?
On the grass? Two foot below?
Just checking.
Maybe he's waiting for a bus.
There hasn't been a bus past there for 20 years.
Oh, well, no wonder he's sitting.
No?
Which bits didn't you like? The beginning.
We're working on it. And the end.
But in-between?
Rubbish.
I'm glad to be out of the house.
It's Pick-On-Billy Week. Oh?
I thought that was every week.
It is, but this is special.
They've brought out all the guns.
It's not just the missus and her sister...
now I'm getting flak from her dead mother.
In person? Well, no.
Not in person, you twollop.
They use her for chief witness for the prosecution.
"Me mother always said you were useless.
"I should have listened to me mother. Me mother knew."
I get more of her mother now than I did when she was here.
And people say there's no afterlife.
I'm in two minds about eternity.
A bloke's entitled to a break.
And if there is an afterlife, who do you finish up with if you've had three wives?
Well, possibly all three.
But if they start ganging up on you, eternity's going to feel like...
..Well, like an eternity.
Just make sure they don't come with their sisters.
That bloke's there again. Sitting on the wall.
You look like a person in search of knowledge.
What have we got in mind today?
Insects. Yes, they are, aren't they?
They encourage our affections and then scuttle away.
You find them affectionate?
At first.
A brief honeymoon period and they're gone.
I understand they hibernate every winter.
I think that's just an impression they give.
A few remain consistently lively but they're the last ones a girl should settle down with.
Insects?
Men.
Oh, those insects!
No, I mean genuine insects.
Little creepy-crawlies as opposed to the larger creepy-crawlies. I see.
It's entomology you're looking for.
I wouldn't be surprised.
The study of insects.
You're interested in the study of insects?
I have a friend who is.
I've been invited to join their little group.
That's jolly.
How many in the group?
Oh, it's quite small.
I don't think we're in any danger of outnumbering the insects.
There's something about him that looks...
Familiar!
It's Lenny! From the pickle factory!
Hey up, Lenny! How do, lads?
What brings you out here?
We're always out here. What brings thee?
I'm waiting for the voice.
How is the little woman?
Not her. This other voice.
What are you going to do now, providing it's not going to scratch the furniture?
I'm working on finding some acceptable substitute for golf.
There are people who believe there is one.
You hear rumours about people finding happiness somewhere beyond the 18th green.
But do you believe it? I'm trying.
It's not easy.
Whatever you choose. As long as it doesn't mark the furniture.
What have you got there?
This is a stamp album.
And this is a packet of stamps.
Oh, I love it when it's the beginning of some new excitement.
Yeah. Right. Although so far, I have to admit,
neither of these items is setting my pulse racing. Let's be fair.
The excitement probably only starts when you take one of those and begin sticking it in your album.
I don't want you getting too excited.
Watch your blood pressure, Barry.
At the moment it's not in any danger.
Maybe it takes two stamps.
You know me. I'm a normal bloke.
You're going to ask - why me?
I wasn't going to ask why thee.
Hands up everybody who was going to ask. Let him get on with it.
The man is clearly in some emotional torment. I am.
Which is not what you expect from a reader of Gardener's Monthly.
I didn't expect it either. Expect what?
Tell him to get on with it.
We shall be here till the next bus comes. The voice.
Suddenly this voice starts giving me instructions. I've got one of them.
Two actually.
Whose voice?
That's it, isn't it? The big question.
All I can tell you is...
it's not from round here.
Foreign? No, it's not foreign. How would I understand foreign?!
Did it have an accent?
To me it sounded like a Barnsley accent.
I thought you were talking about a supernatural voice.
I am.
With a Barnsley accent?
I know a Barnsley accent when I hear one.
We thought you were speaking of a voice from... I am. From up there.
From Him.
He has a Barnsley accent?
Not many people know that.
I told you. Mysterious.
Did it have anything specific to pass on or was it just a social call?
It was an instruction. A command.
It's not the world coming to an end, is it?
I did that bit once and wasted a whole Tuesday.
No, it's not the world coming to an end.
Not so far, anyway. You'll probably have to work your way up to that.
Stands to reason - they're not going to start with the end.
Will you allow Lenny to get on with his story?!
Thank you.
Two weeks ago, it were a night like any other.
I was in bed. I'd just dropped off when I heard this voice.
Barnsley accent. Barnsley accent.
A voice that meant business.
"Don't just lie there!" it said. "Go and do something!" Just like that.
No messing. This was a definite order. I mean, none of this...
"Excuse me, Lenny, would you pop along and perhaps do something?"
No, this was a definite, "Get your act in gear!"
Did the voice tell you what this something was that you ought to be doing?
No, but that's not untypical in these situations.
I've been reading up on these things ever since.
There's often this element of mystery.
It's designed to make you think.
So, what do you think?
I think... I wish it could be more explicit.
I'm hoping it'll come through soon with a bit more detail.
What's the missus think of all this? Guess. She never heard it.
She was fast asleep.
There's your first problem.
With no witnesses, when you tell people, you get these funny looks.
You mean like ours?
Exactly.
We take the book with us everywhere and a magnifying glass and that's it.
Completely covered.
We're just a couple of insect collectors.
Insects are a girl's best friend?
That's a new one, Howard.
And the really ingenious part is that insects are found everywhere.
Which means we're free to wander anywhere we please.
I wouldn't say absolutely anywhere.
Don't tell me I'm under threat.
..At last.
For instance, we can now be seen together on this wall
because there'll be insects living in these stones.
That's a really comforting thought, Howard. There'll be no further need to hide.
Car coming.
Did you see that?
What? Somebody just went over the wall.
I never saw... Exactly.
We weren't meant to see. He went over that wall like a pocket rocket.
He's up to something.
Behaving suspiciously?
If he was behaving more suspiciously, the wife would think it was me.
We could be onto something here. What's the plan?
The plan is - we park here.
He thinks we've gone.
We're going to surprise him. We're going to walk back.
That's tricky.
It's devious. I like the style but it means we get out of the car? Well, yes.
The plan did include that notion.
That's a bad move.
I always feel safer in the car.
Well, of course you do. It's our habitat. It's our little nest. It's our den.
It's a back-to-the-womb thing. It's home and you've made it nice.
Those doilies your wife sent have made all the difference.
I'm only sorry we couldn't accept her kind offer of a set of curtains.
Sandals?
I'm not sure about these sandals.
Traditional. Goes back a long way. You don't get voices speaking to people in trainers.
This coat's a bit long.
Try a lot long.
They'll think it's something I've just threw on.
They'll think tha' nearly missed.
You hear a voice. It says "go do something".
Not a word about wardrobe.
This thing's more complicated than I thought. Eh.
Here! Use that for your staff.
This doesn't look like a staff.
I'll make thee a proper staff later.
Looking good, Lenny. I've never seen anybody looking better in a big overcoat carrying a thingummybob.
I'd say you need a drink, Lenny.
Dressed like that, people will expect to see you drinking. As long as we sit near a window.
I don't want to miss the voice when it comes.
Oh, it's coming again, is it? I hope so.
I'm stuck here dressed like a wally, waiting for instructions.
Gone. I told you. Sneaky.
Something guilty going on.
Where did he go? Good question. You wouldn't think he could disappear that quick.
What are we going to do?
We'll split up and search.
Split up,
as in you going one way and me the other?
What's wrong with that?
Don't you think it's unlucky -
partners splitting up?
You're right. Let's go.
You've just disturbed a very rare creature.
Why, Howard! That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I meant the beetle.
Is that the leg? That's it.
How impressive.
He never forgets a leg.
Here, what does Florrie think of all this?
She's not too keen.
She let's thee go wandering off.
Up to a point. I've got to be back home for tea. She sends their Wilf to fetch me.
Florrie sounds the right stuff.
She is. She's a good lass.
Their Wilf takes you home every night in his car?
On his motorbike. Tha's in for a right draught up that overcoat tonight.
It's going to be like a wind tunnel.
And there's nowhere you could easily double-glaze.
Although they do advertise free estimates.
Florrie doesn't believe in double-glazing. It's a faithless age.
Does she believe in voices?
Not in mine. She says it was the bloke next door shouting.
I bet Florrie wishes you'd pack all this in.
She does but...duty calls.
It's not calling very often if tha's only heard it once.
Maybe it got a wrong number.
It would have said sorry. It wouldn't just end the connection.
No, this voice is for me.
I can feel it.
I'm sure Miss Davenport will find you some interesting things to do, Barry.
You'd be surprised.
Barry?
Poor Barry.
I've been pulling his leg.
He thinks I've got designs on him.
I've never understood men thinking women have designs on them.
It sounds as though we want to go around drawing patterns on their exposed surfaces.
The only thing I'd write on mine is...
"If found, please return to this address."
Basically, I suppose we're all just looking for that special one.
I spend a good deal of time looking for mine.
I'm usually falling over mine.
What's wrong with you? Come in.
I never told you but...I'm allergic.
To libraries? There's nothing going to bite you!
That's what I used to think.
I'd give him nine out of ten for being a bit of a walnut.
Nine? What's wrong with ten?
But does he look to you like somebody you could trust with a message?
Well, I can see him with one that says, "Please help me, I've lost my owner."
I wish you'd shut up, you lot.
I'm trying to listen.
You must excuse Norman Clegg.
He has this tendency to be truthful.
How long are you supposed to listen, Lenny? Didn't it give you any time?
It's not Radio Leeds.
This is something timeless. They don't care about time.
Oh, like road repairers.
I've got the sandals.
I'm ready for timeless messages.
It's the right look for messages, Lenny.
You expect people with messages to look a bit barmy.
Well, I've cracked it then, haven't I?
Florrie's going to kill me.
It's a question of confidence, Lenny.
People trust people who are badly dressed.
They don't trust messages from sharpies in flash suits.
And you're doing very nicely, Lenny, avoiding flash.
I don't know what's the matter with you. You used to like books.
I do like books. Well, then!
Enjoy!
We must put it behind us, Barry.
It would never have worked.
Bit more chin thrust out. Tightens the neck.
Hides your wattles. Me wattles?
You don't want them looking at your neck and thinking, "Look at his wattles!"
They'll miss your message.
Now, stick your chin out.
When he gets crowd, what then?
This mystery voice will come in and guide him.
If he believes stuff like that, it seems shame not to sell him nearly-new washer and dryer.
Control your commercial instinct.
This is a man with a message.
Washing machine comes with message and full instructions.
But does it work?
If not, he's in luck. I do repairs.
How you find this guy?
Just luck, I suppose. Where did you find him?
Fell off the back of a Florrie.
Sorry. Right, here we go.
Thank you.
Travis's mother wasn't as bad as you say, surely?
She used to buy his favourite sweets.
Well, there you are then.
So he could watch her eat them.
Do we gather that you never really liked his mother?
There was one time I missed her.
I was driving and she was crossing the road.
I was sorely tempted.
They're not rational about their mothers.
When we were first married Howard used to insist on going to his mother every Sunday for lunch.
Didn't you like her cooking?
He never took me.
Wally's mother was a nice little woman.
It was his father I couldn't stand.
You beat them once at arm wrestling and they never forgive you.
Syd's parents were both dead.
And if you tried to get him wallpapering you couldn't half see the family resemblance.
You shouldn't be too sorry for them, I always think.
They owe you for what you don't know about.
The things they get up to when they're off the leash.
It's like "husband" is something they only wear in the house.
They say they're more playful out of doors.
My Barry's not playful out of doors.
You can't call golf being playful.
You should see the rule book.
Makes you wonder how the church gets along with only ten.
I don't know what's left of the ten since we went decimal.
Cheer up, Lenny.
So you didn't draw a crowd.
I think you should reconsider the whole thing and go home to Florrie.
I'd love to, but you can't.
Once the voice gets you, that's it.
You've been got. You're committed. Tha' probably will be.
It's a question of honour.
You can't just pack it in at the first snag.
Works for me.
If it's message you want,
why not try something like -
"See Entwistle Electrics for all household needs"?
Does he belong to you?
We're looking after him for a friend.
But supposing you did have a crowd, Lenny, what are you going to do with it?
It'll come to me once I get a crowd.
But what if the voice doesn't turn up?
It will. Once there's a crowd.
You've got to trust your instincts.
We're going to get nowhere with him until we get him a crowd.
We need a crowd puller to get him started.
And there's quite a crowd next door, having coffee.
What we need...
is a warm-up act.
Cue the music.
CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS
Right, Lenny. There's your crowd.
What's up with him?
Is he dumb?
If he is, he's no dumber than the rest.
Who's taking responsibility? Does he know what he's doing?
Can he work this thing?
She asks this of Electronic Entwistle? Wizard Of The Spark.
He's a genius with things electric.
Yes. Somebody was saying that only recently.
It was him. You see.
Straight from horse's mouth. Wrong end if you ask me.
I'm a failure.
I like failures.
Some of my best friends are failures.
Correction. All my best friends are failures.
I'm standing there like a muffin and...
no voice.
You're not the only one who didn't hear the voice. None of us heard the voice.
You're not supposed to hear the voice.
There's only me hears the voice.
That's how I know it's talking to me.
Is he there whom I seek?
He is. Yes. He's here. It's Lenny.
I'm here. It's here.
The voice. Did you hear that?
I told you.
It's just for me.
Hear the word.
Follow me.
I will. I will. Ready when you are.
Now what?
Walk to't middle. Obey instructions.
Are you sure about this?
I was thinking more along the lines of passing on a message.
Message is...
Jump.
Say again?
Jump.
I don't think so.
That's it, lad.
Tha's failed test.
Go home.
Home?
Hear and obey.
Return to't wife.
I was just going.
Get thee home.
I'm going now.
I accidentally bumped into the young lady collecting insects.
Return. Go.
He's already gone.
Well, that's it then.
Change of plan.
Got to go home. Back to Florrie.
That's nice. She'll be glad.
Me too.
It's tricky, this "do something" lark.
Ow!
Barnsley accent. I like it.
You'd know where you were with a Barnsley accent.
There'd be none of this flossy liberal stuff.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd