Let me have a look in the daylight.
You can't tell by artificial light.
She'll go to any lengths, that woman, to get my attention.
The number of times I sweep that yard, and still there are things I can never get rid of!
Ignore it. It might go away. It keeps coming back!
I've seen her in funny hats, but that's pushing it, even for her!
It's part of her costume, dimwit!
She's in the float parade. She's playing the General's wife.
Lucky him(!) Who's playing the General?
Nobody.
He's a dummy. He'd have to be to be married to you.
It's a lifelike dummy of the hero of the Battle of Mazurka.
They use it every year. It's a piece of history.
It's dressed in one of the General's original uniforms!
You're getting all dressed up to sit on a float next to a dummy?!
I've had practice being next to dummies since you moved here.
AS VENTRILOQUIST: Thank you very much.
Now, there's no room for error with this one.
They want him on time and in good condition for the float parade.
After all the work we've done, he's in better condition than me!
Just make sure he stays that way.
Now, look after the General
and deliver him safely to the village hall at Hollowgate.
That's a long way!
In the fresh air, through beautiful scenery? You should be paying me!
I wish we could have started with a corporal. Generals are heavy.
He's not heavy. He wasn't a very big general.
I expect he was often overlooked in the heat of battle...
which could explain his need for such a conspicuous hat.
I think he must have shared the same outfitter as Nora Batty.
When Victorians said full uniform, they really meant full uniform!
Every year, they ride him through the village.
I find it very moving that our grandparents knew how to celebrate their heroes...
and at the same time make a few bob.
Why do they put all these feathers in this hat?
I expect they thought they're better there than stuck in his trousers.
Come on. Let's get him up.
He won't stand up.
Well, of course he won't stand up. He was built for a horse.
He was the hero of the Battle of Mazurka. He looks weird.
He looks as though he's discovered he's been sitting on wet grass.
He won't look weird on the horse.
Smiler, get down on your hands and knees. What have I got to be thankful for?
Be a horse for a minute.
I thought you'd never ask!
I can't ask Tom. He's only a pony.
Ow!
There you are. He looks better.
He looks better than the horse, I'll give you that.
There was one period when I always seemed to be arresting a Mrs Cornwallis...
Not many people can say that. Quite a few bobbies could.
She was always getting arrested.
For riding a bicycle half-naked down Marylebone High Street.
How embarrassing!
A half-naked bicycle!
Was it always Marylebone High Street?
Always.
And where was Mr Cornwallis at the time?
He was dead. Oh.
Bit of an over-reaction, but...understandable.
How long had she been such a keen cyclist?
It seemed like forever.
It got so I used to close my eyes at the first sound of a bicycle.
Yoo-hoo! Norman!
Could I have a moment's conversation with you?
Tell her I'm not Norman Clegg.
Tell her I'm his double... just visiting...
and I only speak Bulgarian.
Oblige a young lady with a personal word in private, Norman.
In private?!
What's "goodbye" in Bulgarian?
No, no...I'm standing here
and I am not going any further.
I want you to take this with you, Barry. A first-aid kit?
I'm golfing, not bull-fighting. Do it for me.
I'll take one plaster. Take it all with you, Barry.
Suppose you get struck by lightning?
Not to mention all those people swinging clubs about.
I don't know why they don't make you wear helmets. Glenda, they're not actually aiming at ME.
How do you know? Maybe people you couldn't help with their mortgage.
Kiss me, Barry.
Think of me sometimes.
Well, that brought a bit of colour to your cheeks.
She stands so close! I never know where to look.
It clashes with my interest in stamp-collecting.
Well, did she offer any explanation for hauling you up the alley,
or are you just good friends?
She wants me to take this message to Howard.
I'm running errands both ways now.
Norman's very obliging in emergencies.
You were a policeman. Why didn't you arrest her?
For kissing?
I'm sure the way she does it it's illegal.
Have I got any lipstick on?
No, not a trace.
Suddenly, you can't breathe for all these lips. How many has she got?!
You were closer than I was. You should have counted. What's the message she wants you to take?
It's gone. In all the confusion, I've forgotten it.
Soon fix that. I'll call her back. No!
It'll...it'll come back to me.
Morning, Barry. Morning, Mr Hardcastle.
I can't tell you how glad I am to see you. Still able to move?
That was marvellous, Mr Hardcastle. What a shot!
Right in the middle of the white cross.
Not too loud! I think I've just breached the Geneva Convention.
To tell you the truth, I was aiming for yon bit of grass.
You see how we both need the practice. Well, let's be off, then.
I'm going golfing, Mr Hardcastle.
All them clubs! But can they bring down a charging horseman?
He'll have thee cloven, lad. Split in twain whilst tha's still debating whether to use a number three iron.
Tha can do the golfing later.
But... We'll stop at my house and get you a spare bow. But... You're lucky I met you, lad.
I remember me father taking a look at you once
and saying "Lass, are you sure you know what you're doing?"
Well, of course, you think you know everything at that age, so I said, "Yes, I know what I'm doing.
"He may be short but he's reliable."
I was wrong, wasn't I?
Well, not about the short, but the other bit.
Still have the magic, don't we?
You knew Mr Right when you saw him.
Just because I rub you with Vick sometimes, don't get carried away.
Where's he been?!
Recognise the bite, do you? I'm sure I don't know what you mean.
Looks like the mark of the vampire to me.
Had an interesting morning, have you, Norman? I wouldn't say that.
He thinks you have. You'd better put his mind at rest.
You think you've got friends. You entrust them with messages.
Soon they're inside the envelope! Where have you been? Don't lie.
What's he drivelling about? Why ask me? I'm a stranger here.
Anyway, I don't speak Bulgarian.
You're covered in lipstick.
And, as chance would have it, I think I know the brand.
You said I'd got none on!
"Could he have missed a bit?" he asked himself remorsefully.
How did you come by those nasty stains?
She'd a message for you. Why wasn't she whispering it in your ear?
How come she was whispering it in your mouth?
What was the message?
In all the excitement, he seems to have forgotten. He's no business getting involved in the excitement.
I did struggle! Ask him. He'll tell you.
Lies. All lies.
A word of advice, lad. Never let your wife move her sister in.
She hasn't got a sister. Smart thinking, lad.
I'm sorry it took so long. I had to fix her crockery shelf.
She has this thing about a wobble on her crockery shelf.
Suddenly they realise they need a man with a screwdriver.
We have to get going. I'm not going to get any golf in. There's no hurry, lad.
You'll not need golf once tha's got the feel of this bow!
CRASH!
Come on, else tha's not going to get much golfing. Billy!
Nora Batty on a float in the parade?
This I've got to see. Who's she supposed to be?
General Monkcaster's wife. Oh! No wonder he went off to war.
That's why they invented wars,
to give the brave a break from matrimony.
Who's playing the General? Just some dummy. He'd have to be.
They've knocked down a traffic warden! It's a general.
That's higher than a traffic warden.
General Monkcaster - Victorian superstar
and hero of the Battle of Mazurka.
So...this is Nora's co-star.
He's been getting done up a bit for the parade.
There's a lot of space between his knees. Aren't they speaking?
Had to leave room for the horse.
We have to get him to Hollowgate. That's where it all began.
The Battle of Mazurka was fought at Hollowgate? General Monkcaster came from Hollowgate.
He's their local hero. They strewed flowers in his path. Maidens fainted.
Well, they can probably still find the flowers.
They sent him to Auntie's to get his costume fixed.
Now he's going back to where the horse is.
This is a cavalry general. He won't look right till he's on a horse.
He's built for being on a horse.
You say that, but have you seen him on a horse? I've seen him on Smiler.
Close.
How did he look? I don't know how HE looked.
I looked like an idiot. You both looked fine! Me dad would have had a few bob on you.
There we are, one hall switch in perfect working order.
Oh, Mr Entwistle, you are an electrical genius!
Louder. Tell your friends. I'm afraid I've had to give them up.
Are you any good at fixing husbands? I used to be.
Not you. Him.
Howard's fuse gone again? No, HE'S gone again.
They always do, but there's usually a nice supply.
It's time he was slowing down at his age. Doesn't he get out of breath?
Other people get out of breath. Could be innocent.
Most husbands basically innocent. Ooh, don't they stick together?
Ah!
The all-electrical Entwistle!
You get around. Have you seen her? I'm looking for...
Oh, yes? Who are you looking for?
I was looking for you, love.
I found you were missing and I was worried.
You see? Innocent.
I'm always torn between giving him marks for thinking on his feet
and wanting to thump him for thinking I'd swallow it.
I'm just glad you're safe.
Not only innocent, but caring.
Now you know she's safe, can I take her where we were going?
Going? Where are you going? Intensive shopping.
You did that last week!
Yes, and we're going to do it this week. Come on, love.
And not a word out of you.
I'm taking no advice from someone who lies about his age to avoid having a bus pass.
I thought it was only me that did that!
I don't like you wandering off. Just be careful, that's all.
I'm looking for Cleggy. He's got a message for me and he's forgotten what it is.
OK. Try this message.
Now is good time to consider upgrading to new washing machine.
Could we look for him in your vehicle? I'll never find him on the bike.
I don't like him in that position, either. It's very undignified.
It doesn't do much for his image.
It's his sword. It gets in the way.
I bet everybody he ever killed with it felt exactly the same.
'Ere, Smiler, grab hold of that.
Not very sharp.
Look who's talking!
I thought you liked me.
I do like you. I'm just not blinded by your intellect.
Mind his uniform. Your cart needs a good wipe down.
Here, lift him off. Lift him on, lift him off!
This is more fun than queuing at the post office.
Alvin, you hold him while they wipe the cart down.
I've never liked holding generals. It's all in the grip.
You feel such a fool, staring into each other's eyes. Suppose there's something hidden in his whiskers?
Like what? His horse?
Hoy! Will you get a move on?
This is not a position I wish to be compromised in. HORN HOOTS
If the dance is over, you can bring him back now.
He's got his boot fast. I think his spur's got tangled with the roots.
If it's just a bit of grass, pull him free. I'm trying!
He's got more spurs than boot.
Oops!
His leg's come off. It happened a lot in Victorian battles. Their legs were always coming off.
We'll have to get it back on.
Whose idea was the flower?
It's the wife. She thinks we need civilising. And you went for it?
You brought along a dinky little vase and a flower?
It was either that, or nets for the car windows. If you think that's bad, have a look at this.
Put it away. I hope you never have to pull it in anger. Why don't you rub them off?
I was going to, then I thought,
if Wyatt Earp had a pearl-handled revolver, why can't I have a few flowers on me truncheon?
Very comforting for somebody that's trapped in a police car with you(!)
I'm sorry. I didn't know you didn't like flowers.
I hope your wife soon feels better.
It's one of the broody spells while she's waiting for grandchildren.
Have you tried being firm? Have YOU?
I would if she decorated me truncheon. No, you wouldn't.
I've seen you jumping when she snaps at you. She'd caught me out. I was feeling guilty.
Why do you think I'VE got a floral truncheon?
You'd think a person who had a message for you could remember it.
Wise move is try not to remember he has message for you.
Excuse me, has anybody seen Norman Clegg?
I believe he has a message for me.
Is that all you can worry about?
We've got a general missing half a leg.
Electric Entwistle. Just the man.
How are you with legs? Left or right?
We could just leave him as he is. A bit more realistic. In his day, you never found a complete general.
They sent him with two legs. They'll expect him back with two.
We'll never get away with short weight round here.
Now, I don't want you to string your bow yet, Barry.
Because these are lethal weapons.
We're going to some quiet spot where tha'll be safe.
But I do want to take this little moment to emphasise the importance of safety in archery.
They'll penetrate steel these, lad.
This is your English longbow.
It must always be kept pointed towards the ground...
in case your arrow slips. HISSING
That's gone right through my tyre, Mr Hardcastle.
Correct, lad. I told you, penetrate armour will these.
It's a good thing I had the presence of mind to bury that slipping arrow into a harmless piece of rubber
and not your leg.
I'd have had two good legs and four good tyres if I'd been at golf.
That's true. But you'd have missed an important safety lesson.
Not that I'm not enjoying every minute, Mr Hardcastle. I knew you would, lad.
Have you got a spare tyre?
Yes. Good thinking. It's that kind of forward planning makes a good archer.
Pull in here.
My favourite kind of place for mending legs.
We'll ask the landlord if he's got some strong tape or something, so we can stick it back on.
Oh, you just want cheap and nasty job. Yorkshire favourite.
What the hell is that? This is General Monkcaster.
Hero of the Battle of Mazurka.
And this is his leg.
I look boring, don't I?
And I don't look boring enough.
When it gets so your husband prefers golf, it's time to do something.
I've got to tone myself down.
I've got this reputation for tarty and I don't know why.
I'm not having him thinking I look less desirable that his golf bag.
Trouble with being too desirable is people start malicious rumours.
Tell me honestly, do you think I dress too plain?
If you'll be honest with me.
Do you think I look tarty?
I wouldn't say tarty.
And I wouldn't say plain.
Perhaps you could give me some tips on...tarty.
No problem.
Perhaps you can give me some tips on...plain.
It's a deal.
Tha did well, lad.
I've been looking for a good practical man.
For what, Mr Hardcastle?
To join, lad. To become part of a forward-looking adventurous group of outlaws...free spirits.
I'm not allowed to be a free spirit, Mr Hardcastle.
I work for a building society.
Tha could be a free spirit nights and weekends.
Actually, I've been looking for somebody with steady nerves to go adventuring with.
What kind of adventuring?
Any kind, lad. Just the two of us, trekking into unknown country.
Living off what we hit with the bow.
I don't fancy eating tyres, Mr Hardcastle.
Oh, merry quips as well!
Hee-hee!
Tha'll be ideal, lad. Tha'll be a merry man in no time.
Good repair, except leg now longer than other.
They'll never notice once he's on a horse.
He doesn't look too bad. He's smart enough for a battle.
How smart do they have to be in a battle? Yes, you expect a war hero to show a bit of wear and tear.
He's showing that, all right.
I wish people could forget the general and remember my message!
The message is let's get the General on the pick-up
and get him to Hollowgate without any further mishaps.
Cleggy!
Have you remembered yet?
What?
The message, the message!
Howard, Marina has lips that wipe your mind clean.
They're like windscreen wipers.
Only the top one.
Have you ever tried hypnotism to help you remember?
I forget. It sometimes brings back forgotten memories.
Howard, the only thing I'm trying to forget is you. Oh!
Will you be quiet, Howard?
You can have your breakdown later.
Hey, look.
We'll see what the General really does look like on a horse.
Casual observer might think it's a donkey. Close enough.
This is as far as I go. I have a bad record with donkeys.
I was thrown once at Bridlington.
Keep him upright! Don't let him fall.
Now!
DONKEY BRAYS
SHOUTS OF GENERAL CONFUSION
Now what?
Howard, I've remembered the message.
What?
She said don't expect things to stay as they were.
She needs a change.
What kind of message is that to remember?
I was happier when you forgot.
I think the General's had his last adventure.
What about the Hollowgate Parade?
Excuse me.
Oh!
Sorry, love. You want to cross the road?
Don't say a word. I'm going for a wash, then I'm gone to golf.
Ahem.
Glenda!
Going where, kiddo?
Oh!
Not necessarily.
BAND PLAYS
CROWD CHEERS
Don't you like generals?
I might have known it was you!
Sorry!
The Battle of Mazurka, two hours at the most!
And our Alvin,
without flinching,
day after day, living next door to Nora Batty!