I saw Gavin Hinchcliffe yesterday.
There's no need to get excited(!)
Yesterday? I was interviewing a bank manager.
You? In a bank?
Must have been a riverbank.
I bet I haven't seen Gavin Hinchcliffe since I were at school.
He looked just the same.
Does it suit him, still being in short trousers?
He were all nervous and twitchy.
He jumped three foot in the air when I slapped his back and said, "How do, Gavin?" You'd scare ME!
And I've got nerves of steel.
Pass. What I can't understand is what was Tom doing in a bank.
I often go to a bank.
Could one ask what for? It's not as if you could get any money.
It's like Wembley. You go for the atmosphere.
Go on, go on...
Ooh, er, you say me father used to do this? All the time.
Did he ever say why?
If you have to ask, you've not got the feel for it.
Yeah, I think you're right. He's not got the feel for it.
Oh... He yells OK. He got that bit down.
Oh... He did this all the time?
All the time.
And on much higher walls.
Does anyone feel that Tom's not all that accustomed to physical effort?
Mrs Avery used to take care of that. Tha's into equal opportunities.
I am, Billy. I bet you spoiled her. Well, you do.
I tried to spoil the wife, but she does it better herself.
Now we come to the real showbiz bit, Tom.
Put your hands in your pockets like your father used to do. Why?
We used to wonder about that. Maybe his pockets were the only place in his trousers without a draught.
Tha's got a low centre of gravity. And low sense of responsibility.
OK...
So! I'm doing it!
Now what?
Oh... Oh... Ah!
That's it! That's it! You've got it.
You know what puzzles me about life?
What was that bloke doing on the roof of a van?
We'll never know now. We should have asked.
You can't go asking personal questions of strangers.
He could be barmy. Which is good if you don't want to stand out here.
When I think of all the hedges I've been behind with you. I hope you never think that too loudly, Howard.
I'm in favour of retaining the English hedgerow. It's such a boon to wildlife. It has been to ours.
It's nice to feel that no-one can see you. It helps me to relax more.
I sometimes think you're too relaxed. That's kind of you.
People don't usually realise how laid-back I am.
They don't recognise that Howard's really cool underneath.
So long as somebody doesn't see us. ..You've even brought the sauce!
How thoughtful.
Hot and spicy.
It matches my perfume, Howard.
How did you smuggle this lot out? One piece at a time.
I'm like those prisoners of war digging tunnels. Sneaking the soil out down their trousers.
How inventive.
Soil's all very well, but this is the last time I'll be bringing pickled onions.
Nice day for it!
I don't remember Gavin Hinchcliffe. Course tha remembers Gavin Hinchcliffe.
We used to throw him at the lasses in the playground. Oh, HIM.
Couldn't you afford a ball? He was the weapon of choice. If you wanted to attract the attention of a lass,
you threw Gavin Hinchcliffe at her. It paid not to miss.
I once spent a full term refusing sweets from that boy Sparkbrook. Tha does spin some dollop, Truly.
Nobody'll ever believe YOU refused a sweet.
Was Gavin Hinchcliffe good to throw? He had places you could get a grip.
He used to squeal a lot. That was one of the places.
He had ears like a dart's feathers. Why did you throw him at girls?
If a lass got Gavin Hinchcliffe thrown at her, it was...romantic. Although not for Gavin Hinchcliffe.
He was all right! How bad could it be, falling on girls? I think he had more fun than any of us.
It's true. He got to like it. You couldn't keep him away.
"Throw me at her over there," he used to say.
Yes, it had a vein of poetry about it. A sort of ancient courtship ritual.
"Dear diary, Today he threw Gavin Hinchcliffe at me.
"Does this mean we're engaged?"
What if the girl didn't appreciate having him thrown at her?
They threw him back. It marked the end of an affair when a girl gave you your Gavin back.
Very sad. Several of Form Four went off to join the foreign legion.
Hey! There's the van. Van?
The one with the crackpot on the roof. Let's hope he's not drinking and driving on roofs.
Barry?
Why are you standing staring at a wall, Barry? Oh, am I?
Well, it's our wall. Barry, come back from wherever you are. I'm not really looking at it. Oh, no?!
But sooner than visit your mother, I'd rather look at a wall.
Oh, that's what this is all about. Any wall. It's not just my mother. The other ladies'll be there.
They like to see you. They used to sit round the guillotine watching beheadings. They were French.
They weren't that French that they didn't look like your mother!
I'll tell her you think she looks French. I'll deny it.
Look, tell her I couldn't come because of this bad cough.
You're coming. They make me feel like a laboratory specimen.
And you look like one, the way you wriggle and squirm about. Just relax and join in the conversation.
Speak? I'm not allowed to speak. If I start to open my mouth, they look at me - daring me to speak.
Oh, Barry. They're just a group of respectable ladies. You think so?
All I can say is if somebody blew a bugle, they'd all turn into the Hermann Goering Division.
£8.20, please.
I know it's my turn, but I left my wallet in the other suit.
I'll do it.
That's him.
Even from the back, he looks the sort you'd find on a van roof.
She was driving. Maybe he was on the roof cos she was driving.
It's Gavin Hinchcliffe!
Billy Hardcastle! Again!
Ha!
And you used to be Norman Clegg. Uh, well, I...I... I suppose I still am, technically.
Norman Clegg. And Herbert Truelove.
This is Tom. I don't remember him.
He'd probably gone back for his wallet in his other suit.
He was in the police. He never forgets a poor excuse.
Is this Mrs Hinchcliffe? No...no...
This is, er, Miss Davenport, who is very kindly keeping me warm until the missus comes back. Mr Clegg.
- Er... - I believe I've seen you in the library. Devouring Barbara Cartland.
I deny that. It was either 50 Things To Do With The Potato
or An Account Of The Carlisle To Settle Steam Railway.
This young lady, whom I've only recently met, and I
want to start a club for healthy and innocent outdoor activities.
Oh, that sort of club. No. Some harmless pastime of a clearly innocent nature
which doesn't draw people's suspicious attentions. What kind of pastime? We haven't decided yet.
What have you got?
I always think refurbishing old wardrobes is an attractive hobby...
No. It has to be easily portable. You can hire the handcart.
It has to be something tasteful, compact and handy for a bicycle.
Oh, dash! I think I just sold the last one.
Not to worry. I'll find you something.
He's very tall for a second-hand establishment. I think small is neater.
It's not always that easy to find just what you want in trousers. I know exactly what you mean!
An easel, a set of paints and brushes, and you'll want a beret.
That's it, Auntie. We've cracked it!
Is Miss Davenport often to be found at that angle?
She can't handle drink. On account of an old romantic injury. She says some fool promised to marry her.
It was you. That's another thing - she hears voices.
And misreads library books.
I gave him the unrestricted use of my photocopier. A position I never abused.
That day at Cleethorpes. It was raining! ..I could hardly be expected to take her to the zoo.
He promised me marriage.
I...I...never said "marriage". I may have said "garage".
I have a garage. You see how easily the word could have cropped up?
"We'll be together," he said. Look, the most I said was would SHE care to assist ME with my experiments.
Would you excuse us a minute? He's so strong when he's roused. I call him my Hercules.
So that's why he was on the roof. They argue if he sits inside.
Hercules? After the bicycle.
..It were pouring!
I think they're a lovely couple. They have something.
You like anybody who's barmy. That's it. Barmy.
Come in and make yourself comfy, Barry.
I could wait outside.
You won't wait outside. You'll wait in here where you belong. As long as I'm not in the way.
We'll tell you when you are.
Oh yes. It's always best to be upfront about these things.
He's looking well. ..Don't you think he's looking well?
He looks OK on the outside, but is his inside regularly cleansed?
Do we have to go into details? Have his spots cleared up? Yes, Mother.
There you go, you see. Spots.
There must be a connection with not being regularly cleansed.
Is it always this much fun?
They have a tendency to pick up spots.
They don't come in my place. Not with spots.
They pick up worse than spots.
Men! They come at you with promises in clouds of aftershave.
Then before you know it, life's Vick and Germoline.
I never realised you told everybody. I was concerned, Barry.
Has he tried coal-tar soap? They need bathing regular in coal-tar soap.
Yes, the old remedies are still the best. I'd almost cured my husband's funny rash when he died.
My spots have all cleared up. He doesn't need coal-tar soap.
I think when they get too fancy for coal-tar soap, it's a bad sign.
Mine's started sneaking out with pickled onions. The drug of choice in our day.
You try to stay one jump ahead, but how are you supposed to anticipate pickled onions?
Why is he on a van roof, you keep asking.
We just thought we'd mention it.
We don't make a habit of it. We've never asked anyone else. You don't, do you. The big freeze is coming.
Mrs Hinchcliffe due back, is she?
I'm talking global warming.
Oh, not just Miss Davenport.
I gave up my night classes for him.
It's going to change the climate. We'll lose the Gulf Stream.
There's always summat. Has anybody reported it? What colour is it?
I was well on my way to a diploma in Vegetarian Studies.
We're going to be snowed in deep for six months every year. And I'm going to be ready. Yes...
Yes, I can see it'll be OK for you on the roof,
but won't it be inconvenient for Miss Davenport?
They don't care. I'm going to be ready for living on skis.
I'm going to be finely tuned, balancewise.
I think he's finely tuned, balancewise.
I think he's as finely tuned balancewise as you can be!
I've been practising up here till I've got the balance of a monkey on a twig.
Go, Davenport, go!
I think tha monkey's just fell off.
Come on, Tom. I think his head broke his fall.
Quite like old times, picking Gavin up. She's been drinking. I'm remembering. She's been drinking.
Yes, I've been drinking! If you keep on avoiding your responsibilities, I'll keep on drinking!
It's a good job he's finely tuned balancewise.
It's shaken Miss Davenport up so much, she's celebrating at the bar.
Always heavy on the clutch. Is it likely I'd be promising wedlock to anyone so heavy on the clutch?
Right. What do we do now that Gavin's finished his global warming for the day? I aren't finished!
You don't pack it in after the first tumble.
I think "before" has much to recommend it.
Is he ready for any more? Hey!
Should be fun finding out. But he's going to need another driver.
You'll have to drive, Clegg. Me? Well, you're sober.
Listen, I can soon alter that.
Think of it as doing your bit for global warming, Clegg.
I'm wearing a vest, a shirt, a cardigan and a waistcoat. That's doing my bit for global warming.
That's just in the summer. What does he take off in hot weather? His cap.
Do you read Trollope? Never, madam. I borrow Clegg's Barbara Cartlands.
He does. He reads Trollope.
I like a man who reads Trollope. Hey!
Tha's found a friend, Truly. Next thing, you'll be throwing Gavin Hinchcliffe at her!
Can we get underway? I haven't got the keys.
Where are the keys? Somebody find him the keys. She has the keys. I have. It's true. I have the keys.
He stole my innocence, but I've the keys. I'm damned if I'll ever borrow another photocopier. Ow! Watch it!
Tell her there's no hurry. Ignore him - he's only the driver.
Here... Now, all I need to know is where to put it. Try it in there.
It was just a hypothetical question. There's no need to get all specific.
Ohhh...
There now. There's a big sigh. Tell Miss Davenport your troubles, why don't you?
How do you spell Nicaragua? With a K.
I've done that. It doesn't look right. It maybe isn't. You asked how I spell it. I spell it with a K.
I don't think it's optional. What are you doing in Nicaragua, anyway?
You know that drunk we arrested? He called us a pair of Nazis.
Well, put that down. You can spell Nazi. I have. But later, he said, "You're a couple of storm troopers.
"Where do you think this is - Nicaragua?"
I was handcuffing his leg at the time. You were there. You're supposed to be a witness to this.
Oh, I remember him saying it. I remember it distinctly.
What about the report of a man on the roof of a moving vehicle? I don't believe it. Me neither.
I wish we could solve 'em all as quick. If he was, he'll have fallen off by now. Look on the bright side.
Do you fancy a pizza? I fancy a pizza. Let's be gone, then.
I've got to finish this. I'm still not happy with Nicaragua. It's lucky they got rid of Czechoslovakia.
You know what he really said? "You're a couple of storm troopers.
"Where do you think this is - Cuba?" Oh, aye. I remember now.
Is this how he always drives? He has his own style.
It feels like we've been jumping a few stiles. I used to deliver lino.
I'm better with a few rolls in the back.
You men. You're all the same.
This'll do, Clegg. Stop the van.
Not in the middle of the road. Pull into the side.
I knew it. It's getting trickier all the time.
Off you go then, Gavin. Up on the roof. Miss Davenport can supervise while walking alongside.
I thought I might stay in here with you. Talk Trollope.
He does mostly. I can't go up there if he drives like that.
That was till he got the hang of it. He's improving by the minute. We'll all be confident down here.
Tha'll be all right, Gavin. It'll be a good test of balance. Not to mention mental stability.
Start the engine, Clegg.
Can't somebody find him a few rolls of lino?
Stand by to let the clutch in gently. You heard him - gently!
Off you go, then.
How come I've got to come up here?
Because there's a limit to the number of times we can drop even a Gavin Hinchcliffe.
And because tha's just been elected. We'll keep the experiment going until Gavin's ready again.
Practice for the driver. There are more knobs here than a church organ.
Just don't go playing any funeral march. Let Miss Davenport drive.
She can't drive. She's been drinking.
She'll be better than Cleggy sober.
It's true. I confess. I'll sign it.
You'll be all right. You can't rob Tom of his moment of glory.
Right, let's get moving while I've got him psyched up. And go steady. Steady's his middle name.
I hear him calling thee a name, Cleggy. Don't think it's "Steady".
Are you too warm under a duvet? You can't tell me they're not responsible for folk getting spots.
I suppose they're OK for people who live at continental temperatures.
My spots have been cleared up for ages.
I told her to get an eiderdown. ..Didn't I tell you? Fashions change, Mother. Not in this house.
Quite often, it's diet. Oh, they eat all this fancy foreign stuff.
There are things in supermarkets you'd wonder how anyone'd tackle.
Like her at the checkout.
There's a Mrs Newall from Hebden Street who blames their duvet for her husband's hair falling out.
Barry's got a good head of hair. At least, I had when I came.
Newalls from Hebden Street? From what I hear, she gives him reason for his hair falling out.
What does she do that makes his hair fall out?
Now, you can wait outside, Barry.
You see what happens when you're among friends? People take every precaution to ensure your safety.
So, how come I don't feel safe? It's a failure of trust on your part.
That kind of ingratitude hurts. Have you noticed how he's all gob?
Don't talk to me when I'm driving.
You haven't started yet.
Damn it! I...I thought it was too good to be true. Off you go, then.
And let your clutch in more gently. A bit of embroidery - not your heavy metal.
Remember there's a passenger on the upper deck. Remember this, remember that... Start your engine.
You see?! What did I tell you?
Look who's getting the hang of it. A definite touch of the Mansells.
Not Nigel. Cynthia Mansell. Don't start till I'm ready.
You're ready. You're ready. Oh, well, in that case...
Don't leave me on top of Miss Davenport. She'll think we're engaged!
You're doing great, man. Getting better all the time.
Told you, didn't I? How we look after your safety. ..Wait for us!
I think we've really cracked it.
People won't look twice at people harmlessly painting the scenery.
You told them I had spots.
I just mentioned it, Barry.
Who did Gavin Hinchcliffe marry?
I think it was a Mrs Hinchcliffe.
That sounds logical.
Are we going to lie here all day?
Probably.
Sounds logical.
Be reasonable, Miss Davenport. Rolling out of a van together is not legally binding.