Sorry, Howard. I've moved to Chesterfield.
Ah-h!
Argh!
Good morning, Howard. Ssh!
(I'm not supposed to be out.) You're not supposed to come out that way, that's for sure.
Are you all right? No, I'm not all right.
I'm supposed to stop up there until I've unblocked the bathroom sink.
You can't unscrew the pipe!
Won't move! I've been struggling for an hour.
Happens every time. People think that evil spirits go in for big noisy special effects.
I think they sneak around tightening people's pipes.
And then, when I've done that, she'll only find me something else to do.
She's determined I'm not going out today. She's in one of those moods.
How am I going to get back in?
Well, not the way you came.
If she catches me out here, I'm in trouble.
Could I shelter in your place until we think of a way to get me back in?
Is she looking?
Well, I can't see her.
It's a good job you don't live in a block of high-rise flats.
Oh, I don't know, though.
Looking a bit thoughtful this morning, Billy.
I'm contemplating life.
It doesn't pay to think too deeply.
Truth gets you nowhere... especially when you're up against a good barrister.
I'm trying to pinpoint the root of much of the trouble in life. And what was the conclusion?
It's the wife's sister.
Ah, her again. Every time.
I've had a phone call from Clegg. We've got to help get Howard back in his house. How did he get out?
Fell out of his bedroom window. He'll go to any lengths.
Don't be frightened to call in any time you need directions.
Are you ready for this? I hope it's worth all this big build up.
It's going to be your finest piece. YOU are going to love this.
She'd better. I'm not lugging it all the way back again. It looks expensive. You haven't seen it yet.
I just have this premonition. A shiver runs through me. It's just as if someone's walked over your purse.
We'll take a cheque.
Feast your eyes on this.
I'm not paying good money for a...
It's a chaise longue for a very tall person.
Saved by the bell.
Is there anything I can help you with, Barry? It's our anniversary. I want something romantic.
Funny you should say that. Feast your eyes on this.
What is it?
It's a chaise longue for people who want something romantic. Sit down.
Why is it as long as this? In case you fall out.
You can give each other space.
But then, when you're ready to make up,
all you have to do is turn and gaze into each other's eyes.
I was thinking of a bit of jewellery or a little ornament. As well as a romantic chaise longue?
No, definitely NOT as well as a chaise longue. I'm really not interested in a chaise longue.
You're lucky you left your bathroom window open.
So, what's the plan?
It's quite simple. Moving nimbly and with perfect co-ordination.
This is the plan? Now, with perfect co-ordination,
take the strain.
Now, after three...
Howard?
What is it, precious?
Just checking.
Oh, what a shame. Yes, gets you right here.
The princess in the tower.
It's all right for you lot.
Hello! It's Howard, part two.
Norman, if you see your neighbour, I wish you'd pass a message. Please tell her I do not speak English.
This is a recorded message, message, message...
I am a robot.
Please tell him I've always wanted one.
He's guaranteed to get into every corner.
Who could ask for anything more?
Unless some people would care to be injured by a dangerously malfunctioning machine,
I suggest they might keep their lips pressed tightly together. Lips pressed tightly together!
I love it!
I can see it now. One moment, they were as strangers,
and the next, there they are, lips pressed tightly together.
All I said was "lips".
Why does he have this obsession with lips? "Is it a Freudian sign?" a girl wonders.
He just wants to be kissed. He was saying so, only this morning.
It's a lie.
Oh!
I bet she never needs to peel an orange.
What was the message you wanted passing?
You can tell a certain person that I shall be at our usual place at 3pm.
And if he's not there, then it's goodbye for ever.
For ever? That sounds like me trying to light a fire without a match.
For ever.
Wesley Pegden!
Now what? Don't be moving things about, like you do on MY car.
I don't move things about. It's YOU who can't remember where they are.
Oh, a likely story from somebody who can't find his socks. No, they're no good with socks.
I don't want to hear your experience of socks outside marriage, thank you.
They're all the same, in or outside marriage.
You make 'em a special sock drawer and they still never seem to know where to find a pair. Start her up.
Too late. She's already started.
I mean the engine.
Oh, the engine!
ENGINE STARTS
HE REVS THE ENGINE
Listen at it. He's fiddling about again.
Sounds fit enough now.
It's our Barry!
Can you give me a lift with the Land Rover, Mr Pegden? Land Rover?
How much jewellery have you bought? Actually, it turns out I've bought a chaise longue...
for people of a romantic disposition. A chaise longue? Well, you can take it back.
Oh, I think that's romantic. I thought you went for jewellery.
Well, I did. I went for jewellery, but Auntie was selling a chaise longue.
Hey, my chips were disappointing last night.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I must have missed it. Was it on the news?
It's not unimportant. I mean, if dysfunctional chips become typical, I dread the social consequences.
Did you leave any?
No, I didn't actually leave any, but if it hadn't been for t'mushy peas,
Are we talking home fries or commercial?
Commercial. That chippy in West Street.
Usually reliable. They come from miles away. Through flood and storm.
Don't overdo it. Well, maybe the man's heart wasn't in it for once.
Maybe he's got domestic troubles.
Could be his tears falling in the hot fat, his wife in love with another man.
Have you seen her?
She'd look better dipped in batter. It was just a thought.
Chip fryers have their passions too.
There's an opera there somewhere.
He's taking the wee-wee. You do, you two, don't you? I've noticed.
You think I'm an idiot because I crave adventure. No, we thought you were an idiot before we knew that.
Barmy, but bearable. Fair enough.
That's practically a reference round here.
If you crave adventure, why don't you rescue Howard from his dungeon?
We've only just thrown him in. Ah, but that was before the ultimatum from Marina.
Have you thought of the pressure he's under now?
It's the Keeper of the Dungeon you want to think about. She'll cool your craving for adventure. Ha-ha!
No, there's always a way for an intrepid spirit!
Providing he don't have to light a fire without a match.
You shouldn't wind him up.
Why ever not?
I don't know, really.
Have we got a ladder? That's no good. Pearl can hear a ladder coming at 50 paces.
You're going to have to be trickier than that. I will be.
I'm not inexperienced. I'm tricky.
I owe it all to the wife... and her sister.
I thought you went for jewellery. Actually, I decided to surprise you.
You did. I'd be all right trying to wear THIS round my neck.
You'll have to take it back. To Auntie Wainwright's?
Didn't you see The Godfather? I'd end up sleeping with the fishes.
Oh, Barry, you'll have to get rid of it somewhere else, then. Oh, can't we find room for it?
The only place is in the garage. You'll have to leave the car out. I can't do that. There you go, then.
Let's face it, if we're going to turn you into "Attractive single person seeks companion,"
one or two changes seem to be called for.
Can't I be "Attractive single person seeks companion," like I am?
How're you doing with the ladies, as of this moment in time? Right now? Currently? Right now? As of now.
Not very well.
Well, there's your answer. Thing is, where do we start? Hmm.
Can you sing? Hmm.
I used to play the trumpet.
You did?
Smiler, you have just opened up a little window of opportunity here.
We can build on that. Ladies love a smoothie with a trumpet. Hmm.
It's been a while.
Have you still got the trumpet? No, I sold it to Auntie Wainwright.
You're going to have to buy it back.
I can't afford her prices.
DOORBELL RINGS
Cheque's in the post!
'It's me, Barry... who recently bought a chaise longue.'
Come in, Barry. You're gonna have to do something about that debt collector's way with a doorbell.
I mean, it's a great chaise longue, but, well, I just wondered if you two know anybody who wants to buy one?
We can help you sell it! You've come to t'right place.
You are looking at the area's best mobile sales team. He's famous for it. I am?
I am!
(Did you tell her I'm confined to barracks?)
I don't think she cares, Howard.
She says if you're not at your usual spot by 3pm, that's it, finished, done with, over.
What am I going to do? Billy's going to get you out.
How? How?
I'm working on it.
Is he any good at this sort of thing?
Is he any good?!
He laughs at danger. He lives for adventure.
They take the wee-wee, but I'll get thee out.
OK, how about this?
We tell Pearl somebody on his deathbed is asking for Howard.
I'm not going if he's infectious.
There is nobody.
It's just a ploy. Oh, a ploy!
Oh-ho! The old "somebody on his deathbed" ploy.
We can't tell Pearl who it is, because he's sworn us to secrecy.
All we can say is - this somebody has a message for Howard so important it has to be delivered personally,
so this somebody can die in peace with his mission completed.
Will I have to go to the funeral?
Save your strength, Howard. Once you get this message, you'll be in danger. ..Isn't that right, Billy?
Oh, yes. He'll be the target of all the enemies of this kingdom.
Me? Why?
Er, er, well, correct me if I'm wrong, Billy,
but won't it be because the secret he carries could affect the whole future of Western civilisation?
As we know it. That's it.
I like it!
Oh, I know! I get carried away, but I enjoyed it for a minute. Oh, you're just an old romantic, Billy.
Not according to the wife's sister.
OK. What about this?
We shove something under the window for him to step on. That might work.
Well, it's not like saving Western civilisation as we know it, is it?
I sneaked out. He thinks I'm still in the house.
How long do you keep him fastened in for? Oh, he gets time off for good behaviour.
I'm worried about my Barry. You should lock HIM up, then.
It's not that. I may have hurt his feelings.
Oh, you'll soon know if you've hurt his feelings. They sulk. They do!
Sometimes they sulk for days. Makes you feel quite sorry for their wives.
That's one benefit of the common cold. They soon stop sulking.
They come crawling back for spoiling and nursing.
They look so pathetic talking through their handkerchiefs. Makes a change from through their hats.
One advantage of shorter term relationships is you're rarely required to rub anything with Vick.
Drink your coffee.
So, what's wrong with your Barry? I rejected his offer of a couch.
I should think you did in broad daylight. I can't sit here while my Barry thinks I've rejected him.
Look, you told him to go out and get jewellery.
You've a right to reject him if he brings a great lump of furniture home. It's the thought that counts.
I want my Barry back, even if he comes with excessive amounts of couch.
Great. He can pop out of his window and we're away.
If Pearl's not looking. It's high security round here. He's right. Someone will have to distract Pearl.
I'm not getting involved with Pearl. I'm not looking for that much woman.
Don't be like that. That was the old you. Nothing frightens you now.
You are the smoothie who plays the trumpet. He can play the trumpet?
I have it on good authority. Whose? His. Well, that's it, then. He can distract Pearl.
With a trumpet? He'd do better with a red cape and a sword.
Aw-w.
I've got to find my Barry. How come your Barry needs a whole Land Rover?
He's gone off with a chaise longue.
I've already given him a lift once with that. I made him take it back. That was a dreadful mistake.
Where's he gone? I don't know.
Oh, that's useful.
Good, now you go round the back and play it loud, really loud. Keep her attention round the back.
Suppose she orders me to keep quiet?
Tha'll not be able to hear on account of some fool playing a trumpet. Eh? Oh...
Will you get a move on? It'll soon be 3 o'clock!
FALTERING NOTES ON THE TRUMPET
MORE CONFIDENT JAZZ TRUMPET
Hello, precious.
I was just rushing this person towards medical attention.
You can rush yourself back inside. He's got all the company he needs.
Is...is, is that me old mum?
Do you mind?!
She's Howard's old mum.
Oh-h!
Just as I thought. A bruised jaw and a nasty case of bad acting.
TRUMPET-PLAYING RESUMES
THUD!
MUSIC DIES
VACUUM CLEANER STOPS
Do you want the good news first or the bad news?
- What's the good news? - Tha might have sold the chaise. - Might have?
We've persuaded Howard to buy it, on one condition. What condition?
That's the bad news. That you help him out with Marina. Told you! Is it a job for a married man?
Only the bravest. It's not difficult, technically. Unless you're left-handed.
She's waiting for Howard somewhere. You just have to go and fetch her.
I've just cleaned the car. She'll appreciate that. Likes a clean car.
But where am I supposed to take her? She's demanded to see Howard today.
He can't get out, so we've arranged a substitute.
It will all become clear, Barry. It's a simple plan. We invented it, which will give you some idea.
Just go and fetch her and bring her back to the park.
The park? That green thing. Suppose I'm seen with Marina?
Who'll see you? It's a lonely spot. Besides you'll be so terrified that you'll be almost unrecognisable.
That's true. She terrifies me. After one occasion, it was days before I could spell properly.
Wear a cap, Barry. That's what they were invented for. They've been a great asset to the criminal classes.
That and liberal policies.
He's gone!
I rejected him and his sofa, and he's gone.
He can't have gone all that far with a sofa. He could if he was desperate. He's got a will of iron, my Barry.
Your Barry? A will of iron? You've never played Scrabble with him.
It's only very occasionally for some reason his spelling goes to pot.
Come on, I'll take you home. I can't go home. What's home without my Barry?
Maybe he'll be there when you get there. Maybe Barry's gone home.
Do you think so? It's about the only place we haven't looked.
Now, when Barry arrives with Marina, we keep Marina here.
Look, why don't I stand over there with Smiler?
She won't bite you. She did the last time. How did that happen?
She claimed it was an accident. Well? Are you going to tell us more?
No. Not while I'm still having the nightmares.
He knows how to spin out a tall story does that one. Is he tall enough for tall stories?
Right, back to the plan.
Now when Marina gets here, we give Smiler the signal - so.
And Howard comes round the corner looking pathetic. As if he'd just dragged himself from his sick bed.
Oh, he can do that all right. Except that it won't be Howard, will it?
So we daren't let her get too close to him.
OK, Smiler, let's see Howard.
How does he look? Terrible. He's supposed to look terrible.
He's supposed to look like Howard.
How's it looking? Needs more pathos. Can you lean on Smiler?
You can't lean on Smiler. You can only climb up.
If he doesn't come, that's IT.
I mean it. This time, that's IT.
I won't be led astray any more.
I'll settle down and devote myself to charitable causes.
There must be something one can do for those in peril on the sea.
RUSTLING Hello!
Hello. Over here.
You certainly know how to keep a girl on tenterhooks.
Oh, Howard, you've grown a white cap!
It's me - Barry.
He's temporarily indisposed. They sent me to take you to him.
Is he mortally wounded? Oh, don't spare me.
I shall try to be brave!
Oh, I knew it.
I bet I can't spell again.
It'll be twice as effective if we have to wheel him in. Weak as he is, he makes his way to her.
Oh, I think that's lovely.
Just push.
You haven't seen my Barry and the sofa?
I haven't seen your Barry, but the sofa went that way. You've seen it? They were pushing it down there.
Where is he? Have no fear, madam, he's coming.
He got out of his sick bed for this occasion. He's been terribly brave.
He always was. He often speaks of his service with the Special Forces.
Oh, Howard!
Don't go any closer. He may be contagious. Besides, he couldn't stand the excitement.
I never thought I'd see him on a mobile sofa.
It's for you. A token of his esteem.
He really wants you to have it.
Barry!
It's all right, I think we've got rid of the sofa.
Oh-h!
H-h-help!
Oh-h-h...!