KNOCK AT DOOR
Oh, dear. Can I leave a few items here, Cleggy, just for a short while?
"What kind of items?" says he suspiciously. Just a few necessities for a picnic. An illicit picnic.
You're sneaking away for a picnic.
I wouldn't say "sneaking". I know I'm going to regret this,
but all right, bring 'em in. You're a good lad. You're a life-saver.
How many is this picnic for?!
It was going to be for the Wildlife Appreciation Society.
And how many wildlife appreciators would that be, Howard?
Well, at the moment - and I blame lack of advertising - there's just myself and some young lady.
Well, there's a surprise(!)
I hope you're going by lorry, Howard. Oh, I can carry these.
They're extremely light and portable.
There's more? Just one more.
Howard!
It's just for a short while. I don't take up much room.
You'll be amazed at the places I can curl up in.
Howard, you are dead.
I will be, if Pearl sees her.
"Are you strong, assertive and a decision-maker?"
Well?
You'd do better asking him if he's awake.
What came after "strong"?
Are you strong, assertive and a decision-maker?
Oh, you'd better give him a clue. We could be here all day.
Is it yes or no?
Is there a "don't know"?
Oh, come on, you two. I'm closing for an hour. Have you finished?
I'm leaving that decision to him. I'm building his confidence. He's going to become a decision-maker.
..Ivy's asking have we finished?
Yeah, yeah, we've finished.
You see, when you put your mind to it. A touch of the Godfather there.
Unless you want another cup of tea. Don't spoil it!
You've made your decision.
..We've finished. It's about time. Who's paying?
BOTH: He is.
It's your turn. You made THAT decision quick enough!
I may have created a monster here.
Howard!
Norman Clegg does Russian dancing!
And with only one leg. Could one of his legs have gone Russian?
Bog off!
Oh, it's even got a Russian name!
Can he do that bit where they squat down and kick their legs out?
On one leg? Wouldn't there be some danger of devaluing his roubles?
I advise you to leave if you can't stand the sight of human suffering.
Who's suffering? Howard, when I can catch him. We can stand the sight of Howard suffering.
What's he done to turn your leg Russian? He stuck me with a problem.
Clegg, problems are there to be solved. What's your problem?
THAT'S the problem.
You've got a problem.
THUDDING
Don't bang it. It's an awkward shape. Oh, look who's talking!
It's covered in dust. How long's it been here?
Oh, it's been here a while. It's time it earned its keep.
What are you going to do with it? You haven't got room in the window.
Oh, it's not going in the window. You're going to wheel it round the town for advertising purposes.
Why do you want to advertise bad wigs?
It's going to be advertising my clothing department.
I want the word to get round that stuff from here can look good, even under a bad wig.
He said it would be all right to call for him this morning.
He said we'd go for a picnic. He said Pearl would be at the coffee morning.
Tell her she shouldn't trust his arrangements. I know that voice.
There's a Norman Clegg here somewhere!
He lives here. I suppose that could explain it.
What happened to the coffee morning?
Pearl's giving the coffee morning. They're coming to her place. You see? A piece of Howard organisation.
And now, here I am,
alone in this house with three male persons, on whose good manners I'm going to have to rely.
You can rely on mine, missus. I'm dedicated to preserving footpaths and innocence.
And I'm still recovering from a nasty experience with the opposite sex -
marriage.
And I haven't finished my library book.
It never rains, but it pours.
Well, Howard got you in here. So I suppose we leave it to Howard to get you out.
I've tried that. I've been ringing him on the phone, I've been trying to signal him through the window.
He's ignoring his responsibilities.
He can be slippery in times of crisis.
Tha's going about this all wrong.
While Howard thinks you want to get rid of the lady, he's not bothered.
He'd come round if he thought you wanted to keep her. That'd worry him. It'd worry ME a bit.
And I must confess to a certain nervousness.
And where would you keep me, Norman?
..I don't like it already.
It's a good idea.
It has the sort of deviousness I can admire as a divorced person. Jealousy would soon bring Howard round.
No, no, no. It's no good lying down.
It wants to be upright. People can't see it down there.
It looks almost human, doesn't it? Compared to SOME people.
Much more of this and we'll be forging a relationship.
Ah, that's better. A bit of visual impact.
Now, prop that up where people can be amazed at the value on offer.
Right, off you go, then, and I'll wait here for the rush.
Right.
If I had half a dozen like them, I could really organise a disaster.
Ah! Excuse me. Oh, oh!
Good heavens! Where's the fire?
I'm sorry if we startled you.
Leaping out from ambush! Why would it startle anybody(?)
Could you tell Howard that we'd like to have a word with him, please?
I think I know the word - I hear Pearl using it to describe him sometimes.
Could you tell him we have important information for him?
Something he wouldn't want to miss.
Yes, I've seen him with that something he wouldn't want to miss.
Of course, he denied it. He said he just happened to bump into her.
Well, she's got enough padding. I bet he hardly felt the bump!
Hello, love, come in. Yes, I think it would be wise. It gets a bit crowded out here.
They're up to something. How can you say that? We haven't even twitched.
Call it experience.
I haven't twitched. I'm way past twitch. And it's not something one could lightly do as a policeman.
Well, that's it, then. When they deny it as convincingly as that, you KNOW they're up to something.
Anyway, for once, mine's not involved. He's safely indoors.
He's got no right to be safely indoors.
He ought to be out here in peril with me.
Stop looking panic-stricken. Tha's meant to look as if tha's enjoying it. Yes, Clegg, come along, there!
You have to look like a man who's found a new interest.
Oh, but I have. I'm working on 45 ways to strangle Howard.
Look, you go back inside. You're supposed to be interested in Marina. We'll wait for Howard.
Y-Y-You want me to go back inside with Marina? Alone?
Tha's got to make some effort.
Do you think I could distract her with food? What do Marinas eat?
I anticipate...you, for starters.
Be brave, Cleggy.
Hold onto a banister or something.
Oh, a little company.
Come in, Norman.
Could I borrow your police whistle?
Psst!
I'm sorry, I can't come out at the moment. It's impossible.
There's so much to do here.
Suit yourself, Howard. Tha'll regret it.
Regret what? Don't say we didn't warn thee.
About what? Leaving that attractive lady with an old rogue like Norman Clegg.
Killer Clegg. Mister Smooch.
Used to be the hormone king hereabouts. It's all coming back to him.
Threw us out, didn't he? "This woman and I want to be alone," he said.
Norman Clegg?!
Oh, that'll be the day!
He goes pale at the first whiff of perfume!
We seem to have a credibility gap. We've got to make it more plausible.
Aargh!
You dozy beggar! What, me?!
Wesley, can you help us? It keeps falling off the cart.
Have you got any ideas how we can keep it upright? What are you doing with a dozy thing like that?
He pushes the cart. I don't mean Smiler, I mean this.
We're employing it for advertising purposes, but it keeps falling off.
It's a terrible-looking dummy. It grows on you.
Like a boil. What position do you want it in? Something relaxed.
Trust you. ..HE does a good "relaxed".
Must run in the family.
Billy, take this young lady into the kitchen and explain the principles of archery to her. Me?!
He's volunteering. I heard it. But I haven't combed me arrows.
They ought to be washed and blow-dried. Just do the theory.
The theory of archery. How interesting.
Get rid of her.
We're working on it. YOU'VE got to work on it, and convince Howard.
He won't believe it. He will if we lay it on thick. Get you all dressed up, like dynamite with the ladies.
Dynamite? I'm not sure I could even light a sparkler.
It depends what we can do with you. Do with me? What transformation we can make.
What have you got in your wardrobe? Mothballs. I bet you've got stuff in there you've had since the 1930s.
They may be back in fashion. They weren't IN when I got them. Look in your wardrobe, I'll check on Billy.
How's it going, Billy? Improvising.
Very interestingly. We were doing fine until his string broke.
Why are you looking so uneasy, Barry?
You know I hate giving your mother a lift. She unnerves me.
It's only as far as Pearl's.
It's not the distance - she can unnerve me in the first 20 yards!
Be brave. How do you think my father feels? He has to live with it.
She makes me feel about ten years old. Oh, you're doing well - I'm still at six.
Even when she's not there, I feel like she's always there. How's that?
It's an impression that began when she came on our honeymoon.
Oh, Barry, she only visited.
I just wish she hadn't brought flowers and that list of numbers for you to call in an emergency.
You realise I could be tugged powerfully towards the first pot of jam.
That's it. That's just the effect people strive for. That's fashion.
I think it's sad that gentlemen stopped wearing tights.
These legs were born for tights.
Help!
This message comes to you from the bottom of my thorax.
Looking good, Clegg. ..What do we say, troops? Gradely.
Like it. Love the cut.
I think I'll start with my throat.
Gives you an intellectual look.
Oh, that's a pity, because what we're after is "male bimbo".
Dim, but desirable.
I could do "dim".
It's the hair. It's the only bit that's ME! What's wrong with the hair? There's not enough of it.
Perhaps I can be of help.
I always carry a few spares, in case of emergency.
You're going the wrong way, Barry. It's the quickest way to Pearl's.
I know it is, but I want to call on Wesley at the shed.
But I didn't know that.
You're going the wrong way, Barry. I am. I'm going the wrong way.
This car goes backwards easier than mine. Mine only goes in jerks.
It's your father - he over-tightens everything.
Your Barry's looking quite well. He is well, Mother. My Barry's fine.
Yes, he looks healthy enough.
Just a bit guilty. Guilty?! What have I got to be guilty about?
Yes, I was wondering about that. Mother! You make him nervous.
There you are - guilty. I'm happily married. At home.
What about all those other women in your office? Oh, Barry! Oh, don't YOU start.
I never look at another woman.
No, that's one worry I've never had with your father - other women.
I know he'd come home smelling nicer,
but I'll settle for diesel.
No, he's got no interest in other women.
Wesley! What are you doing with that woman?
Well, come along, you dream machine, you. You're never going to make Howard twitchy if he doesn't see you.
You know what I think is awful about life? People see you.
You look terrific, Cleggy. A real smoothie.
I'd worry if you were near MY missus.
I don't know, though. When can you come round? Don't get him going - he's nervous enough.
If anyone asks, I am a visitor from outer space.
I am from a planet famous for bad tailoring.
Think positively. You are really menacing to the opposite sex.
Knock on Howard's door. What am I going to tell Howard when he comes to the door?
You tell him there's no hurry to take Marina back. Sounds plausible, to me.
You tell him you enjoy entertaining Marina. That'll throw him in a panic. Does a good panic, does Howard.
It'll all go wrong.
It won't go wrong if you look a bit happier about things. You want to get rid of her, don't you?
Well, this is your quickest way.
Go on.
Big smile. Big, cheesy, man-of-the-world smile.
Norman Clegg! Tut-tut!
Struck down in his prime by a bad hairpiece.
Norman Clegg?
He's still in here somewhere.
I thought, "Ooh, hello, it's the phantom of the opera!"
It's a bit showbiz for you, Norman.
Bit showbiz for anybody.
I understand you have a FAULT in the house. Could I have a word with him, please?
Howard! There's a vision at the front door wants to see you.
There's a woman behind it - there HAS to be a woman behind it.
She'll be a long way behind, if I know Norman Clegg.
Er, you called, Petal? This male model would like a word with you.
Norman Clegg?
Killer Clegg.
Lady-killer Clegg. Hormones on the hoof.
I have to inform you that Marina and I are hitting it off.
Early collection of the lady will not be required.
Give over! You?!
I've never seen a bigger butterfingers when it comes to the ladies.
Go on! Go on!
Is that Norman Clegg?
What's that growing on his head?
Now, take that thing away. It's been nothing but trouble.
Surely your missus can't give you a hard time for being involved with a dummy? You want to bet?
He doesn't know. He's never married.
I've been nearly married on several occasions. Just like his father.
Anyway, listen at you. I thought you were missing female companionship.
That's mostly what you miss - having to be on your guard.
The steady undercurrent of potential conflict.
Isn't love grand?
SLURRED: That's the w-w-worst dummy I've ever seen in me life.
Both of 'em.
Cheers.
Why don't you go out and play? You know I'd rather be at home with you.
Who did we do yesterday?
Whose turn is it today?
The blonde from Upperthong was in again.
Who was she with this time? Same one.
He's lasted longer than the others.
Who's this, then? You know her.
She's the one from...
Psst! Psst!
Why don't you go outside? And miss all this?
Little crackpot - he's ignoring us.
We'll never get him out. If he can stay inside with that lot, he's past being moved. That's true.
The man must be desperate.
Hey up...
Who's he?
It's a dummy.
Oh, it's ME that's the dummy.
Why don't we swap Marina for the dummy and they can wheel Marina away?
The man's a genius!
You two look as if you could do with a little refreshment.
I always look like that.
We can't leave this thing out here.
Oh, well, you can bring it inside.
I could murder a sandwich. Your father always could.
It can be arranged.
She's only 30. Really? For goodness' sake, I don't believe that.
Why doesn't he go away? I don't know why he won't go away. He's still there.
I don't know where you'll be wheeling me, but I hope I'll be entirely safe.
Oh, you'll be all right. Smiler'll be your chaperone.
Always a snag.
There you are, then. Not quite. There's just one more thing.
What's that? I've got a little surprise I want to leave for that Howard.
Hey, it gets worse!
It does.
KNOCK AT DOOR
You're not going already?
No point in stopping - eavesdroppers everywhere. I could make sandwiches.
They're no good with sandwiches. They leave thumbprints.
My Barry's quite good with a baguette. Close your handbag.
The crusts are so hard on those foreign loaves, the crumbs fly everywhere.
I'd be terrified of wounding a customer.
Some of the things I've heard you say to your customers, I expect they're used to being wounded.
To run a decent place, you need discipline.
Get her off! Get her off!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd