It's no good. He's not up yet.
- When will he be up? - Probably later in the week.
Take no notice. She spreads wicked rumours saying that we're going to spend a weekend away together.
When? This weekend if you like. Pack your bikini!
Oh, get some clothes on! Why do you always look like what's left over after a fire?
She gets very emotional when she sees me in me vest. She isn't able to handle it.
I keep making suggestions, but she pretends to be deaf. Come in, Howard. The door's open.
DOOR RATTLES It's open, Howard. Just put a shoulder to it!
LOUD THUMPS
It is open, isn't it? I've got to admit, it's really open. It does that, Howard.
Forget it. Does tha fancy a cup of tea? Thanks.
Why don't we have one at the cafe while we have a talk?
Who's buying? I am. Does this offer include a sticky bun? You drive a hard bargain.
A man's got to have an incentive.
All right, a bun. Done!
That's near enough.
Isn't it about time you got it fixed? It's first on my list.
How long's it been like that?
Let's see...
What's today? Thursday.
Thursday... About seven years.
Why don't you get that door fixed?
Because I like thee to know it's always open,
so any time you get this urge to dash round and see me, you know I'm available.
Who wants to dash round and see you?
She says things like that, but underneath her heart's pounding.
Some days she can hardly control herself.
See what I mean?
Husbands, they slip through your fingers.
I'm out the back, I come back, he's gone. You never know where they are.
I always know where my Barry is.
He'll be in the office right now.
The quiet power behind the mortgage statistics.
I'm warning you. They slip through the tiniest gap.
I wonder if he's at Norman Clegg's.
Whatever it is, I'm not guilty. Is Howard there? I haven't seen him.
You take your eyes off them for a minute! I was out the back talking to Mrs Rafferty.
That's a bad move. You need a tow truck sometimes to get away from Mrs Rafferty.
Are you sure he's not in there? Yes. You can search if you like!
No need. You're as dozy as the rest of them, but at least you're honest.
A reference!
A reference from Pearl!
You know what Pearl's like.
I haven't had your advantages. I don't know what Pearl's like.
Well, let's put it this way. She's something like you and I'm something like that bun.
It's not a bad bun, Howard.
As little buns go.
I think he wants another bun.
I wish you wouldn't feed him in here. It tends to upset the other customers.
What other customers? See what I mean?
Give me a sporting chance. Keep your crumbs within the area of play.
Haven't you got a napkin? You'd probably eat that as well!
I enjoy my food.
I know. Nobody enjoys it louder.
Cheeky!
All right, Howard. What's on your mind?
I need somebody about my size. What's tha looking at me for? I'm bigger than thee.
No, you're not. Howard, let's face it. Anybody that's smaller than thee has to be kneeling down!
Stand up.
Now who are you supposed to be? Siamese twins?
Don't come in here standing back to back!
Fat chance of getting in the Good Food Guide around here! Three stars for "barmy", no problem!
Why does Howard need someone his size?
I don't know. Well, you were there.
We got thrown out before he could tell us.
She does a good throwing out, does Ivy.
Didn't you ask him when you got outside? He was away, man!
You know Howard. He sees an angry female, he's gone!
Well, I think someone ought to find out.
Why don't we leave well enough alone?
Because I believe it's not in man's nature not to like a mystery.
And I believe it's not in man's nature to poke his nose into other people's business.
Well, there is that too.
We'll knock on the door and ask for Howard, take him for a stroll and find out what it's all about.
What if he won't tell us? Seize him by the throat until he does tell us.
Oh, the psychological approach(!) Exactly.
It's such a good bargain. There's Verny Sedgewick.
For the year. £25.
On your way!
I said, "On your way!"
Come on, you!
You remember Verny Sedgewick. I don't remember Verny Sedgewick.
When did you know anybody who wears a suit? He didn't use to wear a suit.
Hey-up! Didn't tha use to be Verny Sedgewick?
Not Verny. Vernon.
Vernon Sedgewick, sales executive.
Macho Magazine! It'll be a change from Homemaker's Weekly!
You're a bit past Macho Magazine.
I don't see why. I thought I might start pumping iron.
Iron?! Hadn't you better start with feathers?
Who's paying?
Old expense account here. You must be joking.
Never about money.
And no standing back to back!
They're all like that round here. Imagine trying to sell things to people like that!
How long have you been dressed like that? Since I answered the sales executive advert.
Bit flash. I was ready for "flash".
Car supplied?
Car? Car? They don't even give you a bike.
Suit supplied? By me. Nice treads. His mother wouldn't know him.
He's done well, has our Vernon.
What are you selling? Subscriptions to magazines. They're such a bunch of non-readers round here!
How many has tha sold?
Including this morning, none.
That's pitiful.
What kind of magazines are you selling?
New ones. I get subscriptions before they come out.
What are they called? For the men, there's Macho Magazine.
You tried to sell Howard Macho Magazine?!
I've got offers for ladies too.
Me too!
What titles are you offering to the housewife? There are two. One's called Foxy Chicks.
Foxy Chicks...? Is there much demand for a country magazine?
If there is, I haven't found it yet. And the other one's called Street Queen.
I don't think you're going to do especially well round here with Street Queen.
I don't know. I know just the place where you might do very well with something called Street Queen.
Is this it, yeah? Up the steps, ring the bell.
Big reader, is she? About as big as they come.
She reads me pretty well.
Is she a biker? Raced on one.
The full leathers and chains?
And that's only her nightie!
These magazines have a lot of shots of big girls posing on powerful motorbikes.
You're spot-on there. She's into big bikes?
Whenever Wally went out on the bike, there she was, right by his side.
No matter how fast.
This Wally... Hell's Angel, was he? Of course.
And this bird up the steps, she was his moll, yeah?
Was she ever!
Up the steps and ring the bell. I can't tell you how grateful I am to you lads.
Don't think about it. It's nothing.
We wish you the very best. Give our regards to the lady of the house.
Why are we shaking hands? We might be gone before you finish. Far.
If she gives you a big order. By the time you've done the paperwork. We can't hang about here for ever.
Listen, thanks again, lads. It's our pleasure. And he's not joking.
Oh, just one more thing. What's her name, this woman?
She never uses her name. She prefers one of her nicknames.
Nicknames? How many has she got?
Fast Gladys.
Turbo Chops. Sugar Lips.
Right. Well, thanks for the tip.
BELL RINGS
Fast Gladys? I beg your pardon?
Turbo Chops? What are you talking about?
Sugar Lips?
Go on!
Wesley?
How do, Howard?
I thought I recognised the boots.
Something we can do for you? I was just passing. On your stomach?
I was just thinking... I was wondering how tall Wesley is.
Have you been taking your pills?
It's a perfectly normal thing to wonder how tall a person is.
- When he's under the car? - I often wonder how tall people are.
What are you doing?
What's it like under here?
It's a lot like being under a car. What are you doing?
Trying to get my head level with yours.
Very friendly, but I've remembered another appointment.
You're too tall.
You've no idea how glad I am to hear you say that!
It's kind of you to run me over to my mother's on your day off.
I appreciate it. No problem.
We have a good relationship and I want us to keep working at it.
There are so many funny marriages. It's nice to belong to a good one.
Kiss me, Barry!
Now? Kiss me goodbye.
I'll see you dinner time. People should show affection.
Not like that, Barry. Do it properly! I want the world to know we have a good relationship.
Couldn't you just tell people?
It's not the same.
Stop that, our Glenda!
Oh, Mother!
Barry!
Hey-up, Wes! There's some traffic this morning! Don't come in. I'm coming out!
"Don't come in?" Who's gonna come crawling under a car?
You'd be surprised.
We're looking for Howard. He was heading in this direction.
I'm beginning to wonder just what direction he IS heading in!
I know that face. Tall military gentleman.
Never mind him. Give us a kiss.
Not in here surely. Unless, of course, it's an emergency.
Norman Clegg that was!
I see your sugar...puffs are reduced.
Such a wicked tongue.
We're looking for Howard, madam. We wondered if you'd seen him.
He's a very difficult person to see. When it comes to romance, he has this problem.
We know. It's called a wife.
That's the one.
I'd still like to know why Howard wants somebody his size.
Why didn't you ask him when you had the chance? Ivy were chasing us!
You let Howard get away.
Hey-up, Thunder Gob! Howard is one of the world's best sneakers-away.
Look at the practice he gets with Pearl.
That's true. If he can sneak out on Pearl, he can sneak out on anyone.
How goes it, Verny?
Charming lot, you are! You dropped me right in it. Fast Gladys(!) Have a drink, Vernon.
No hard feelings. You're in luck. Clegg's buying.
No wonder there are no hard feelings.
Turbo Chops(!) Tha moves very smartly in a crisis, Verny. I give thee that.
She's vicious, that woman. Some sugar lips(!)
Come along, that man. Don't drag your feet.
You sure it's not another gag?
Verny, this is an old lady. This one's not gonna chase you down the street.
You think she'll be interested in buying? She's interested in both buying and selling.
What's tha got there, Howard?
Something my size.
We'll be with you in a moment, Howard. In you go, Sedgewick.
And, uh...
Don't be too hard on her.
Come on, Howard!
What's wrong with married couples showing affection?
Sit down and drink your coffee. Oh, Mother!
I knew it'd bring trouble when you joined that library.
What has the library to do with it?
Those books on foreign customs.
I don't see what's foreign about showing affection.
It's foreign round here.
It's OK with household pets. That's what they're for.
Oh, yes. If it's got fur or feathers, they say it reduces stress.
Nagging your husband is the best way to reduce stress.
Not for him surely.
No, not for him.
Don't you ever show affection?
Of course we show affection.
We darn their socks, don't we?
We give them three meals a day and a clean shirt when they want one.
If that's not affection, I'd like to know what is.
What about before you were married?
Somebody else did his shirts.
But you must've shown affection for each other before you were married.
Not as much as they show these days before they marry.
In our day they used to go to the pictures. You didn't go through all this business they go through now.
If you went to the pictures with someone more than three times, you were engaged.
It's true. You could be engaged and married in our day without getting into technical difficulties.
If you hardly knew each other, what did you do on your honeymoon?
You went to Blackpool. That's what you did. Now drink your coffee.
Howard has a secret.
Explain to us, Howard, why you need something that from a distance looks like you.
You know what Pearl's like. She's unreasonably suspicious.
Unreasonably? Well, she thinks every time I'm out, I'm probably with some young lady.
Probably because every time you're out, you're with some young lady.
You're found out too often, Howard. You've got a credibility gap.
She has no right to be so suspicious. I'm her husband. She should trust me.
I don't see what's so funny.
You're not standing where we are. How is a dummy supposed to make a difference?
The dummy's no good.
I need a real person, that from a distance looks like me.
And then what?
Well... If a certain young lady is seen out with somebody that looks like me,
and Pearl sees it, you know what she'd do.
She'd kill you.
Or even worse - confiscate your bicycle.
That's the clever part. It wouldn't be me, it'd be somebody that looks like me.
Pearl would be very embarrassed.
It'll never work, Howard.
Not a chance.
Don't say that.
No, it's worth a try.
It has possibilities, given proper supervision.
What we need is someone who from a distance and from the back might look like Howard.
I see you've finally taken Pearl in hand!
Eli!
He gets weirder.
Now if...
As soon as the ladies come out of Edie's, Marina and Eli walk round the corner over there.
Pearl is bound to see them, they're in full view. We stay out of sight.
If Pearl's on the warpath, I'll keep out of sight!
She won't be on the warpath for long when she sees it's not Howard.
He's a stranger. I hope he'll be gentle with me.
Don't worry, lass. Get off!
This is me, with the perfume.
Here they come.
Right, off you go, then.
Keep your back to us all the time, Eli. Just don't get too friendly.
He's got to make it look convincing.
Put your arm round her waist.
That's not her waist! Do be quiet, Howard.
ALL TALK AT ONCE
Isn't that your...?
Late husband?
He will be in a minute.
By, she looks ready to kill!
You do live dangerously, Howard.
Well, I'm too old to be an astronaut.
You have to do something.
Any minute now Eli will be seen kissing Marina,
Pearl will interfere, see it's not Howard, rush back in this direction,
and just for once, you will be innocent.
Why must he kiss her? Couldn't we do this without him kissing her?
Don't be a spoilsport, Howard.
What's he been doing to my Marina that was so bad he had to get arrested?
What happened?
He just went all passionate with a policeman.
I'm glad you're all right, love.
Oh, Howard!
Oh, Marina!
Oh, yes?
Poor old Howard. Never gets it right.
Look who was helping him.
I did the best I could. It's not my fault Eli kissed a policeman.
It's been a big day for Eli.
Looks like it's been a big day for Verny!
How many copies did she buy, Verny? Buy? Buy? All that old beggar does is sell!
Subtitles by Calum Short, IMS, for BBC