There. Have you got everything you need? I think so, thank you.
I'll be in the kitchen. If you need me, ring the bell.
Enjoy your breakfast. I'm sure I will. Thank you.
How come you never invite me to ring the bell?
With the company you keep, who needs it? If your friend wants anything, his voice is like a foghorn!
I wouldn't say friend, more of a challenge. I'm improving him gradually.
Well, I've got news for you - it's not working!
I've not been able to do that since the war.
Do what since the war?
Use tomato ketchup.
I spilt enough of the red stuff in the war.
Oh, read the notice, Howard.
I'm sorry Cleggy, it's an emergency. Again?!
No, a REAL emergency. I need your help Cleggy.
What you need, Howard, is to give up this urge to expand your life romantically.
Give boredom a chance. It grows on you.
It's too late. She's left me.
Pearl's left you? No, not Pearl. She never leaves anybody.
Marina's left me.
Oh. Well, there you go, then. Your troubles are over.
It's time you had a quieter hobby, Howard.
What do you want? Don't move! Why? What's wrong? Stay there, just as thee are.
This is the way I want to remember thee. It will be a comfort to me when I am far, far away.
Far away? Where are you going? Norman Clegg's.
You call that far away? Well, just past Clegg's. Get off! I haven't got time to stop here chatting to you.
Hup.
What's this? An apology. What for? For what I am about to do.
Ow, get off!
Yeah, little fat, wiggly white grubs.
They're delicious when you're really hungry.
Grubs? On your own in the jungle behind enemy lines you don't get egg and bacon.
Well, you have to live on what you can find.
You'd be surprised what you can use as a source of protein.
It has to be raw, of course. Raw?
Well, you can't go lighting fires.
The rule of thumb is if it squirms and wriggles, it's got more vitamins when it's raw.
How can anybody do that?
A soldier gets used to it. It's amazing what you CAN get used to.
The trouble was getting your palate back.
After the war, for the first six months all I fancied was caterpillars.
Was there something wrong? No, no, it was fine.
I just seem to have lost my appetite.
Howard's come across a snag in his love life.
Howard's a pillock.
Howard's a pillock who's come across this snag in his love life.
Well, I'm not surprised.
He doesn't hold himself properly. He lacks the military posture.
The ladies like the military posture.
Didn't do thee much good.
Ladies were not on my schedule.
I had to choose between home comforts or becoming a trained killer.
Love's loss was warfare's gain.
Well, couldn't you marry a trained killer?
Howard did.
Look at him. No wonder he has problems with his love life.
Some lass'd be grateful for someone like Howard what's good with windows.
He has a very bad posture.
Well, what can he do? He's like me.
He has all his suits made to fit bad posture.
He has a certain...pathetic quality which makes one think we ought to help.
Well, usually I find it best to ignore him.
Not easy but, er...best.
Women can be difficult. The bloke needs an 'and.
You're right. You can't abandon a chap in that condition.
I can. I can abandon a chap in that condition.
But he's having problems with his love life.
I mean it's, er... Well, it's a very delicate situation so let's be tactful about it.
Tactful. Are you listening? I... I'm listening. Listening.
Morning, Howard. Hey up, Howard, I hear tha love life's up the spout.
Come on! They're not exactly queuing up to see my new costume department.
Let's get some advertising out on the streets.
JINGLE OF BELLS
BELLS JINGLE
How many streets? All the main streets.
Can't we start with some quiet streets?
Quiet streets are no use. You've got to pass those leaflets out. Ring your bells.
Now, where's the other one? CLATTERING
How do I look?
Just look where you're going.
I'll show you what the trouble is. I'll show you just what the trouble is. It's him.
Cyril Gridley. He always was a pillock...even at school.
He used to bend your thumb back till you shouted Czechoslavakia.
With your thumb bent back?! That's terrible.
That's how he was.
But I still don't understand the problem. What's he got to do with your love life?
Watch.
TYRES SCREECH
Swine!
Why would she go for Cyril Gridley?
Well, maybe he bends her thumb back.
I'll tell you exactly why she goes for him. It's the glamour of the uniform.
Cyril Gridley. He used to knock seven bells out of me at school.
Well, he can't be all bad, then.
Why was he always beating you up? Was it habit or was there a reason?
It were because I couldn't pronounce Czechoslovakia.
Why didn't you write it down? I did. It were worse. Has tha ever seen it written down?
Now he's a traffic warden. I suppose the Gestapo had no vacancies.
I'm surprised he found you. You were always buried under Lily Sissons.
Yeah, she used to sit on me a lot.
Could you breathe?
I didn't care.
If I'm not back for tea I don't want you to worry. I weren't planning to.
I shall be away for a while. Doing what?
I-I thought I'd take up an activity. Join something. What sort of activity?
You know, sort of generally - outdoor sort of life. Healthy.
You're not up to healthy. You'd have to train to pass poorly.
I've made up me mind. I'm joining. Joining what?
The French Foreign Legion.
I shall need the big suitcase.
Do you remember where I put it? You'll be a great asset to the French Foreign Legion(!)
I knew you'd argue! I knew you'd be against it. Don't argue, I've made up me mind.
A man has to do what a man has to do.
Aye, I'm going to hitchhike to France and I'm going to join the Legion.
So what do you say about that?
I'll fetch that big suitcase.
I'm going to start training. I'm going to get fit.
Ye gods! A sudden attack of willpower. Are you sure you're well enough to be fit?
I'm going to have a rematch with Cyril Gridley.
You're not still bearing a grudge from school? I am. I can still feel the bruises.
You want my advice, go back to sitting under Lily Sissons.
Hello, I seem to recognise yonder forlorn figure.
It's Howard.
Hey up, Howard! Where's tha going with that lot?
France. French France?
Well, certainly French France.
You've run out of English women, so you're going to start on the French?
I'm going to join the Foreign Legion.
THEY don't ask any questions.
They're going to ask a few when they see you.
What did you do when he said he was off to the Legion? Packed his case.
Very wise. Well, you have to.
Have you seen the way a man packs a case?
They pack such daft things.
Mine took his wire puzzle set and his ratchet screwdriver.
That sounds sensible.
On your honeymoon?!
Your father never goes anywhere without a tool kit.
We'll go to a funeral, he'll take a tool kit.
Mine used to take his pigeon books.
We'd sit in a deckchair on the sands, he'd never look at the seagulls.
Just his pigeon books.
I used to say, "Look at the seagulls!"
He used to say, "You can't race seagulls."
- Aren't you worried he's gone to France? - He'll be home by teatime!
How can you be so sure?
They're always home by teatime!
It's all part of their biological clocks.
It's all that gets your father indoors.
I'd worry if my Barry went to France.
POSH VOICE: He'd never compromise the high standards of his building society!
I've made me mind up. Which way's France?
Er... Turn left at Sheffield.
Yes, but you don't need France, Howard. Not to impress Marina. I need something.
Yes, you need a uniform. You need the glamour of a uniform. It works every time.
In the Legion, I'll get a uniform.
Mm, but have you considered every aspect of the fact that they shoot at you in the Legion, Howard?
Still? Uh-huh. Even nowadays? Mmm.
With bullets? Real bullets, Howard.
Unless it's a bomb.
Where am I going to find a uniform round 'ere? JINGLE OF BELLS
Auntie Wainwright's...costume hire.
You'd be safer in the Foreign Legion!
There you are. New costume hire department. You're bound to get a uniform here.
I'll wait outside. No, you can come in. He's the one hiring, not us. He's the one that wants a uniform!
I think she's got supernatural powers. No, she's just an old lady.
And you know what THEY do? They used to knit round the guillotine.
Oh, come along, man.
I sometimes think she knows every move we make before we make it.
Stay still. Hands in pockets. Don't touch, or you'll be electrocuted!
Listen, she means it. We could be electrocuted. FOOTSTEPS
No, don't say a word!
I'm getting clear messages.
He...wants a uniform.
I told you.
Supernatural powers.
^ Throw your shoulders back.
^ They are back. If they go any further back, I shall topple over.
Tha won't have far to fall then, Howard. Ha-ha!
How much shorter is he than Marina? Oh, I've never dared look.
Pull your stomach in.
^ Oh, I never realised there was so much to wearing a uniform!
People think it's just a matter of putting it on.
What does he need a uniform for?
The glamour.
Well, yeah, you have to admit he could use a bit of glamour.
I always think wellies add a touch of glamour.
Overalls.
Pardon?
Overalls.
A decent pair of greasy overalls.
That's my idea of style.
I'm more your woolly pullover.
I think it's wonderful how evolution has come
all the way from dinosaurs and sabre-toothed tigers
to the woolly pullover.
CLATTER
His boots need a bit of attention, but mainly it's his posture. Well, I told you it would be his posture.
Do you think you can handle all the glamour, Howard(?)
^ He'd do better in overalls.
I've only got one word for thee, Howard.
Wellies.
Well, he'll be fine once we get his spine straight. It is straight.
It's the uniform that's bent.
Where are we going now? To Marina. You've got to let Marina catch sight of you in your uniform.
She's going to think it funny, me in a uniform.
She's going to think you're funny in THAT. She won't see him for the hat.
Pay no attention. They have no faith in the glamour of the uniform.
WOMEN SNIGGER How do I explain a uniform to Marina?
People wear anything these days. Say you just decided to wear it.
Tell her you're rehearsing for something.
Insanity, perhaps.
Ye gods, he's joined!
BUS BELL RINGS
Have you seen anybody dressed funny?
Yes. Damn fool's behind wall there.
You might as well come out. I know you're there.
Out you come. Show your face!
Har-har-har! Agh!
Lunatic!
I can assure you, Constable, there's a perfectly good explanation. Har-har.
What do I do now?
Wait for Marina to come out at four, let her catch a glimpse of you in your uniform and you'll be away.
Taken away. He ought to be.
Don't take any notice of these. You look magnificent.
Do you think this'll work? Of course it will. The glamour of the uniform.
Off you go.
He looks like an idiot.
Well, he is an idiot.
But at least now he's an idiot in uniform.
Night, Marina. Thanks, love.
See ya. Bye.
Oh, Marina!
Howard?
It is. It's Howard.
But what are you doing dressed like that?
If you leave me, I'll join the French Foreign Legion...
in France.
Oh, Howard.
Oh, Marina.
There you are, you see. The glamour of the uniform.
I think I've earned a cup of tea, Clegg.
How come tha's earned one? I mended Howard's love life.
Just a little cupid, aren't you(?)
Well, I must admit to a certain warm glow at a job well done.
FRANTIC BICYCLE BELL
Hey up, lover boy doesn't look too thrilled.
I think she's seen me in this uniform...with Marina.
You know her. She'll jump to the conclusion I'm with Marina. Right.
No need to panic. Leave it with me.
We must get you off the street. Clegg, your place. Why my place? Don't argue. They need a hand.
Come on. Hurry up.
Where's Marina? Gone. She went with a feller in a Legionnaire's uniform.
Legionnaire's uniform? French Foreign Legion.
I'll kill him.
Oh, come along. Get a move on.
You're looking well, Norman Clegg.
It won't last.
Why me?!
Because you are the same size as Howard.
All you've got to do is pedal Marina on the bike.
Make sure that Pearl sees you.
Then she'll realise it wasn't Howard with Marina, it was you all the time.
Oh!
I just get tossed about from hand to hand.
It's quite exciting!
Come on, little French person, sur votre bicyclette.
Pardon? Oh, get on your bike.
Ah! Wait, wait.
Ya-ho-ho-ho!
Right, now I'll give you a push.
I think she's spotted him.
I think he's so brave!
Not only Pearl, but to be that close to Marina!
All right.
How're you going to talk your way out of this?
Hey up, that's Pearl.
Oh!
Oh, it's the old black magic. 'Ere, hold this.
Very forward, these Frenchmen.
I'd pack it in if I were you. Put that lady down.
Stop interfering! You'll be sorry. Don't say we didn't warn you.
But what a way to go! Hey!
Czechoslovakia!!
Help! It's the glamour of the uniform(!)
Subtitles by Kathy Jenkins BBC - 1995