Just up? What time d'you call this?
My lodger's been out and about for ages.
Oh... Tha's a vision of loveliness! I wish I could paint.
So do I. AND I wish you could polish and clean your windows, too.
Nora, life's not all work.
Tha should've had me for a lodger.
I'd have taught thee how to relax.
Relax? With YOU about?!
Tha wants to throw that brush away.
Slip into something loose and come round here and feed me grapes.
Grapes?
The way you eat, you'd keep a body going full-time with oranges!
What is it, Howard? Not so loud.
Oh, it's one of them, is it?
I'll not get involved between you and Marina. (Keep your voice down!)
I just thought you might do a little favour for a friend and neighbour.
You can forget it. I'm not going near Marina. She terrifies me.
How d'you mean? Oh, I dunno.
It's just that when she looks at me, I feel like I'm a bone and she's a long-haired retriever.
I don't know why you feel that.
It's PEARL who's terrifying. Another reason for not getting involved!
But I just want you to... hide this earring.
I daren't get caught with this. I'm definitely not getting involved if you've begun wearing earrings!
It's not MY earring!
It's you-know-who's earring.
I don't know HOW it got entangled in me lambswool sweater.
Just imagine my surprise when there it was!
What have you got there?
Cleggy was just showing me his earring, my love.
Norman Clegg was just showing YOU his earring(?)
I think I hear my kettle boiling.
Sylvester Stallone wears an earring.
With diamantes(?)
SHOUTS: I'll be with you in a minute!
'Morning. 'Morning.
She'll be with us in a minute.
Yes? Knows we're here, does she?
Oh, yes. She's busy in the kitchen.
Oh.
If you'll take an old soldier's advice, that's not the way to do it. Do what? Waiting.
Looking at your watch. Speed of life. You know. Stress. Tension.
No, no, no. You have to adopt the correct, relaxed, mental attitude.
I learnt it out East, you know.
Together with several lethal physical practices the Official Secrets Act forbids me to reveal.
Also a method of healing wounds with spiders' webs.
I picked it up from the natives.
Once I'd won their confidence, they taught me their secrets.
A privilege accorded to few white men. I had a tribal name, you know.
They used to call me...
IN "EASTERN" ACCENT "He Who Walks With Danger".
Not wearing your earring(?)
Now she thinks I wear a damned earring!
Sylvester Stallone does. And HE got mugged by a big Swedish bird!
He Who Walks With Danger(!)
Yeah, well, I've done my bit.
I've got it this far. Now somebody else has got to get it to Marina.
It's only an earring. No problem.
It's not the earring that's the problem - it's Marina! Give it here. I'll get it to her.
YOU can't be trusted with ladies!
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Is that an earring? Yes, well... I admit it does LOOK a bit like an earring.
It looked like an earring to me. This is the age of the microchip.
No, what you saw there was a...
a miniaturised... computer model of a...
Of a what? ..Tell her.
You started it. YOU tell her!
A miniaturised computer model of a what? A magnetic watch... A compass.
A compass that can tell the time.
I bet Howard could find his way around with it, anyway!
Now you've done that, you can tidy up under that sink. It looks like a builders' merchant's!
And put some paper down. I don't want any stains on t'floor.
PHONE RINGS
I STILL say it looked like an earring!
What would HE be doing with an earring? Imagine ME with an earring!
It's for you. For ME?
Why me? Who's gonna ring me? Nobody ever rings me.
It's Howard. For you. What does he want? He may want his earring back.
You'd better go and find out.
Howard, I...
VACUUMING UPSTAIRS Cleggy. You've got to help me.
I've found the other earring. It was tangled up in me... Well, never mind where it was.
I've found the other earring.
You've got to help me smuggle it out. Pearl's got radar.
She'll know I'm hiding it. She'll home in on it like a guided missile!
VACUUMING STOPS I've got to go. Come and help me.
I don't know why you're panicking. It's quite simple. Life's NEVER simple.
I found that with me first train set. If tha thinks trains're tricky, tha should've tried girls!
Pay attention when I'm planning.
We just knock on the door and... make some excuse to see Howard.
Then, while we're talking, he slips the earring to us.
Pearl's already suspicious. She'll be watching. And when Pearl watches every move, she really watches!
Oh, nonsense! The combined efforts of four of us ought to be able to manage the job.
It's good to tell HE'S never been married! It is. It's a problem talking sense to an old spinster!
What if Pearl answers the door?
No problem.
Ah! Good morning, madam.
Could we have a word with your husband, on this pleasant day? Why?
..Em, we w...won't take a moment. Well, what's it about? What d'you want to see him ABOUT?
Em, Clegg wanted a word with him. What...?
Oh... Well, it can wait. It's not urgent.
No, we'll...come back later.
Well... Obviously, Pearl is suspicious about something.
I told you! It's you.
It must've been when you let her see the first earring. I didn't let her. I wasn't quick enough for her!
It's too late. She's suspicious of all of us. It's quite simple.
If she's suspicious of us, all we have to do is find someone else.
Someone who can walk to the door and ask for Howard, without arousing her suspicions.
Smiler!
What's tha doing down there?
Oh. I...
I'm waiting for Nora to go out.
Then I can use me key and pop back in and get me feet up for 5 minutes.
Why not just go in and sit down?
He's got no idea, has he?
It's not as easy as all that.
She doesn't like me being under her feet all day.
She sent me to look for a job. Have you found a job? What do I want a job for? I've retired!
Why the hell do I need a job at MY age?! We've got a little job for you.
All tha's got to do is to walk up to Howard's door.
You walk up to the door and ask Pearl if you can speak to Howard.
Pearl's a bit fierce, ain't she?
She's got no reason for suspecting. They don't need much of a reason.
You can tell HE'S been married. Why should the woman suspect you?
Just give Howard the chance to slip you the earring. I don't like it.
After living with Nora Batty, this should be a piece of cake. Fancy living with Nora Batty!
Tha must've been born lucky!
Well?
Could I have a word with Harold? How about Howard(?)
That's it. Yes. You want a word with him, too(?) Yes, please.
What's going on today?
You're up to something. All of you.
What d'you want to see him for?
Well, to be honest...
I forget.
It's all right. I'll...catch him later.
I tried. What a great, long dollop Nora's got for a lodger!
Tha's no good with women, Smiler.
Oh, listen to who's talking!
No, I never did get the hang of them.
Join the club!
I'll have to go. See if I can get in the house. Why not use the key?
Walk in, say, "Make us a cuppa, I'm going to put me feet up." She'd kill me! 'Course she would!
But it's worth a try.
Right. Back to business.
It's obvious we're getting nowhere, trying to approach Pearl directly.
We shall have to use a bit of stealth. It's getting tricky.
I KNEW it was going to get tricky.
An earring?
Of course, they denied it. Pretended it wasn't.
You see men wearing earrings. They don't wear ones like THAT!
Pirates used to wear earrings. Not like that one!
There was danger enough on the Spanish main.
Which one of those three has started wearing an earring?
Not Norman Clegg.
I can't believe it of Norman Clegg.
He's always been so... Gormless?
^ I was thinking more dull and boring.
Yes. Give credit where it's due.
I can't see Foggy Dewhurst going in for dress jewellery. He collects cap badges.
No... It's got to be the scruffy one.
I wouldn't put anything past him.
Mind you, if he's started smartening himself up a bit... You've got to applaud it, whatever it is.
That's true.
Can I have some more, Norm?
KNOCKING I'll get it.
Oh!
Steady on, Foggy!
You see, what we'll do is we'll go upstairs, open the bedroom window
and tap on Howard's bedroom window with this.
When he opens it, we'll talk to him. See, if you think a little... Yes.
Think a lot. It's thinking a little that gets us into all this trouble.
Argh! Mind where you stick that!
Stop complaining. Get upstairs!
Get off!
Having much luck?
I was just demonstrating the rudiments of fly-casting to Clegg.
We're thinking of doing a bit of fishing. From bedroom windows(?) Interesting.
No, no, no! Watch it!
You great pillock!
SMASHING Look at my new vase!
PHONE RINGS
Hello. ..Yes, he's here. Who wants him?
Oh, the insurance company.
It's for you. It's the insurance company.
From next door.
The one that fishes from bedroom windows.
Hello.
Just stay on the phone. Keep on saying yes and no, as though you're talking to somebody.
Yes, I know Pearl suspects it's us,
but if we appear at the front door and you're still talking, she'll have to think again. The plan is...
Oh, the plan(!) Ah, the plan(!)
We'll come to the door. We'll call Pearl out to look at loose tiles.
While she's looking up at the roof, sneak your hand through the door
and drop the earring into Clegg's hand.
Nothing to it. It's a question of timing. I don't like it! Hold on.
What's wrong with it? It's just that Pearl will find something.
Hang on. Hang on. Has Pearl GOT any loose slates on her roof?
I don't know! Don't bother me with little niggly details!
We're coming round. KEEP talking.
Really?
Well, I think, I'm fully covered.
You're not fooling me it's an insurance company! Your cronies are up to summat.
I don't know what you mean.
It's just a simple business call. ..Yes, I'm still here.
Business call(!) You must think I was born last Wednesday! DOORBELL RINGS
I wonder... Have you seen your roof? Roof?
It's that thing on top of the bedroom ceiling(!)
I know where it is!
What's wrong with the roof? We were passing and we noticed...
I wonder, have you slates loose?
I can't see any slates loose.
The only people with any slates loose here are standing next to me.
No, they look loose to us. Clegg remarked on it. Didn't he?
..Aye. Rubbish!
Where are you going?
Stop fidgeting! You can't be too careful under loose slates.
See that one up there? That little dinky one? It's definitely loose. Oh, aye. It'll be down any minute.
From where I'm standing, they're loose. They're not loose! We've had everything checked!
# Howard! #
Aw-w-w...
Poor old Howard.
Tha made a right boghole of helping Howard. It's not my fault.
We tried. The main thing in life is to try. The main thing in life is to keep out of the way!
That's not the way of the Samurai. You just get in everybody's way. What'll Marina do with one earring?
Same as she did when she wore two. Chase after men.
There's somebody who needs help. Clearly. We've helped enough.
You can't let one little setback put you off. It's no little setback to Howard,
now he's been caught red-earringed.
What's up, Smiler? Won't she let thee in? Oh, it's all right. I like it out here. ..Oh...
Come on.
You don't have to bother. She lets me in at tea-time.
It's our masculine duty. You can't allow yourself to be shoved about by these ladies.
Lacks experience. And it shows!
Right. Up you go. Me?
I'm not very good on ladders.
Oh... Oh...
Oh... Oh... Oh, me blood pressure!
I can feel me blood pressure rising.
Oh... Oh...!
You think he looks a sorry enough figure on the ground, but once you see him up a ladder... Come down.
Oh, I've seen nothing like it.
Right, that man. You, go up. Open the door for him.
How come I volunteered? 'Cos you're braver than me. Mind you, everybody IS!
Jump to it! Come on! Buck up!
NOISE AT DOOR
Quick! She's coming!
NORA SCREAMS
I never heard such a damned excuse in all me life!
Don't tell me you've come to see if Smiler's coming out to play!
"You nearly gave me a heart attack" she said.
So, naturally, I took that to mean that I was the one that set her heart racing.
Gives you a nice, warm feeling.
Shows I'm getting through to her. She only hit you with a brush.
Just love taps!
It's a nice, close relationship.
Yes. Definitely getting through. When she gets a shorter handled brush, you'll be even closer.
So embarrassing! A bloke of my age having to buy his wife earrings!
Howard!
Subtitles by BBC Scotland, 1991