DOOR HANDLE RATTLES
Has thou ever thought we should be snatching at every golden moment?
You snatch at any golden moments and you'll get one with this brush!
What about eloping?
With you?! Of course. I'm not acting agent with anybody else.
Who'd want to elope with you(?) Where will you get a better offer?
Keep your distance! All right, all right!
But I still think we are missing a golden moment.
Yes, well, I hope to miss many more.
I don't know what you're sweeping for with all them seagulls up there.
Seagulls?! Aye...
Beep-beep beep-beep!
What the Dickens are you doing?
Ah! I was just showing Howard a weevil.
He was, love. He was showing me a weevil.
I thought you'd joined some cult.
Cleggy said come and look at his weevil.
Ah. I wouldn't say it was MY weevil.
It's not a pet or anything. I just saw it passing.
Oh! A passing weevil?
It's just a little creepy thing. I know the type.
I wouldn't call it creepy. They're quite neat, really.
I think people, by and large, underestimate weevils.
Your average human being tends to be indifferent to weevils.
Not really big on natural history, your Pearl.
That's a fair description.
And I'll tell you another thing.
She thinks the only wildlife I'm interested in is Marina.
I can see how she gets that impression.
You'll need a knife with that. I'll get you one.
I'm sorry. I didn't realise I was doing them.
Yes, to use up every spare moment keeping in peak, fighting trim,
you know?
You have to when your life depends on it.
It becomes second nature.
It's no good having these lethal weapons
if you don't stay expert with them.
People sometimes ask me
how many times these hands have killed.
Course, I don't like talking about it.
Mind you... Mind you, there are places out east
where the people still speak in whispers
about the man with steel fingers.
"Here he come," they say... The natives - little brown fellows.
"Here he come... Man with steel finger."
They begged me to stay. Tears in their eyes.
The chief offered me his daughter.
Lovely girl. Oh, beautiful girl.
But it would have meant a life of ease and luxury, and that wasn't for me.
I was born for combat.
Oh!
Hands up who even knows what a weevil looks like.
It's like a small ferret.
Not a weasel. A weevil!
You don't call them insects, do you?
You should have been in the jungle. There's insects four foot long.
Oh, heck! Here we go again.
Spiders as big as a man's... Gob! ..hand.
Personally, I still feel happier
with a small, undramatic Yorkshire weevil.
I don't want anything with fangs.
That reminds me - Nora Batty were in a bad mood this morning.
Surprise, surprise(!)
DOOR OPENS
Eh up! How thou doing?
HE GROANS
Either come in or go out, but stop interfering with my customers.
Interfere?! I've only just come through the door!
It may come as a surprise to you,
but you have the ability to interfere from a very long distance.
How about that? You like that! It's better than being ignored.
Fat chance anyone could ignore you!
Would it be three teas?
Ach! Decisions, decisions.
You're getting three teas.
Three teas, thanks, Ivy. That'll be fine. Creep!
That'll be fine for me too. Thanks.
Hey, what about a sticky bun?
How about paying for a sticky bun.
Ahem.
It looks as though it's going to be a bit of a problem.
Oh, get him a sticky bun.
Nice one, Smiler! He-hey!
Get them all a sticky bun.
That's very civil of you, Smiler.
Father Christmas is alive and well and sitting in Ivy's cafe.
Yeah!
Decisions, decisions, de...
You can have that, he can have this and he can have that.
Any arguments?
No, no, no. It's just what we wanted, Ivy.
De-de de-dee de de dee!
How thee doing there, Smiler?
HE MUMBLES DISGRUNTELDLY
Bachelor again, hey? Oooh! HE MUMBLES DISGRUNTELDLY
Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it. He does want to talk about it.
Well, he's getting a good build-up. It's to be hoped he does.
I don't mind talking about it.
Well, get on with it then!
That's right, pretend you're not interested(!)
It happened one night in bed.
I thought she were asleep.
And, wallop! Right out of the blue.
"Do you love me?", she said.
What a terrible thing to say!
Poor old Smiler. Ye gods!
How are you gonna cope with a low blow like that? Fancy asking anybody a question like that.
Let him get on with it.
How long had thee been married? 33 years.
And she asks you, "Do you love me?" after 33 years?
Was she always that unreasonable or was this some special occasion?
Let him get on with it. How did you respond?
What could you do? I pretended to be asleep.
She forced the issue.
That's terrible.
You mean... You mean she asked you again?
Yeah - "Do you love me?"
I can't listen to this. Sit down!
Been married 33 years.
Been going through a bad patch. For how long?
About 32 years.
It got worse when the little dog died.
It was when the little dog died we both realised we had nobody to talk to.
"I'm going to Australia," she said, "to my sister's."
So, we sold the house, split the proceeds and off she went.
To Australia!
Well, you can't really stay at home
if you're going to ask questions like, "Do you love me?"
You ask questions like that, you deserve to go to Australia.
Where's thou living now, Smiler?
With me sister, temporarily, but I am looking for decent digs.
There's my place.
Well, like I said, there's my place.
Talk to thou-self, Compo. Eh-up, Howard.
Thou's looking teed off.
It's Marina. Something terrible's happened.
I don't want to talk about it. Come here!
Marina says I'm only a part-time lover.
I think that's about the best you're built for.
Have you had a tiff? It's more serious than that.
She's reviewing our whole relationship.
She says she wants something more permanent.
Hasn't she got a little dog?
What does she expect you to do?
She wants a man around the house, not sneaking about the countryside.
But you like sneaking about the countryside.
I do. I love sneaking about the countryside.
I thought she lived with her mother.
She does, but she still wants a man about the house.
She wants a man about the house, he's looking for digs.
I am. I am looking for digs. That's it, then.
You keep away from her! I'm just looking for digs!
Back! Howard, you calm yourself.
Don't force me to do something deadly with just the tip of my finger.
Just look at 'em.
How could anyone be jealous of them?
You know Howard - he's jealous of anyone. He's an idiot.
Yeah, he's a jealous idiot.
Life is simpler without the opposite sex.
I was glad when my hormones settled down
and I lost that excessive interest in the opposite sex.
I was relieved when I woke up one morning
and decided I was middle-aged.
How long ago were that?
Well, I think I was 23 at the time.
COMPO CHUCKLES
With people like Nora Batty about
it's beyond me how anybody can lose their interest in the opposite sex.
Listen to the unshaven Barbara Cartland!
Listen, Margaret -
when it comes to the opposite sex, I am considered as the local expert.
I am going to give Howard a hand.
He has no idea.
Smiler, drink up. Good luck, lads.
That'll put a sparkle in your eye!
That's really cheered them up(!)
It'll be a wild session if they're gonna get as giddy as that(!)
Come on, Smiler. Look on the bright side.
How many men your age have the advantage of a wife in Australia?
It were all right while we had that little dog.
I miss that little dog.
You see? Alone, desperate for a woman.
Is he a fit person to be a lodger?
You're spilling your drink. The thought of it makes you spill your drink.
Look at him! He's safe enough.
Still waters run deep.
Still, maybe, but that is stagnant.
Thou's no idea, Howard. When it comes to women, thou's a prawn.
I wouldn't say "prawn".
Don't be shy, Howard. Come and join us prawns.
Put thou-self in my hands, Howard.
For what?
Good question.
Does thou want to win Marina's undying affection?
Well, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, anyway.
Right then - pay attention to the expert.
Women love it. Marina will love it as well.
She'll ride past, you'll ignore her. She'll wonder what's hit her.
You've got to play hard to get. Then she'll be grateful to see you.
On Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Ignore her completely? Certainly.
Couldn't I wave a bit? You know... sort of cool but available.
HE WHISTLES
She's coming.
It's up to thee if thee wants to impress this woman. I do, I do.
Right - do it! Give her a filthy look...and then you walk away.
Howard!
Howard?
I never want to do that again.
Suppose she never speaks to me again.
Well, you've still got Pearl.
That's a nasty thing to say.
Leave it to me, Howard. Thou's got her worried.
Next time, we'll go in for the kill.
Next time?! I've got to do it again? Of course.
The next time, thou'll make her realise how lucky she's been.
Oh, listen to the expert(!) Marjorie Proops in wellies!
Howard!
EGGSHELLS CRACK
COMPO CHUCKLES
He-he-hey!
I like it, organising people's love lives.
You can't even organise your own.
Your women were always tattooed.
Not everywhere. Don't go into details!
Not little butterflies. His women were covered in snakes and daggers.
Listen, Penelope, when it comes to tactics with women,
I am known as the Ace Kid, Number One.
And what is the Ace Kid, Number One planning next?
Got to find some digs for Smiler with a certain lady friend of ours.
Marina? Certainly. Why not? Howard's gonna kill you!
It's Howard I'm doing it for.
Two weeks around the house with Smiler,
Marina's gonna have second thoughts about having a man about the house.
You shouldn't interfere. No good comes of interfering.
Hark who's talking!
It's true. You can't interfere in people's love lives.
Cemeteries are filled with people
who interfered in people's love lives.
People think it was the Black Death that swept Europe.
But actually, it was people interfering in people's love lives.
I'm not interfering.
I am just giving him the benefit of my advice and experience.
Oh, lucky him(!)
There's something going on.
There's always something going on.
If there's one thing you can rely on with them three, it's that something's going on.
I know, but this is extra,
involving Howard and that, you know that one they call Smiler.
Smiler? Yeah.
Is he the long, thin one with the face like a bad knee?
Yes, that's the one.
He seems a sensible sort of person to be mixed up with them three.
Well, he won't be for long.
It sounds all right to me.
Well, it doesn't to me! Sit down!
Leave it to me. It's all part of the plan.
I don't think much of a plan like that. Why should I help him become Marina's lodger?
He won't be seeing her. She lives with her mother!
It sounds like a daft plan to me,
letting some stranger finish up as Marina's lodger.
I'm not a stranger. You are to Marina.
Well, he won't be for long, will he?
That's what I'm worried about. Listen...
He's not exactly life and soul of the party!
Two weeks closeted with him, she'll think you look like Burt Reynolds.
Well, a shorter Burt Reynolds!
What do you mean, I'm not the life and soul of the party?
I'd drop that line of inquiry if I were you.
I'll have you know I can do comic recitations.
No wonder she went to Australia!
Comic recitations - it makes the blood freeze.
You see? He's going to be entertaining her.
Relax, Howard.
He'll be there and I'll be at home...with Pearl.
And he'll be there with Marina.
But... He'll have all the opportunity.
But listen...
When the novelty wears off, she'll be plead to have a word with thee.
What novelty? I don't want him becoming a novelty for Marina.
Didn't his wife leave him?
Went to Australia.
Ooh, the pour soul.
They say she was driven.
She must have been weak.
They say he never smiled once at her in 30 years.
Oh, she was that sort, was she? Always had to be giggling?
One cup of coffee. No sugar.
There's nothing more unsightly than the ravages of sweetness.
I wouldn't know about that.
I can see that.
Emotional problems.
Something us YOUNGER women have to suffer.
Don't worry, Howard. I'm offering thee long-term happiness on a plate.
But I don't mind long-term happiness.
I just don't want him lodging with Marina.
He'll get it wrong, you know. I wouldn't put my affairs in his hands.
If you'd come to me years ago,
thy could have had a love life second to none.
Well, I hated having a love life. I never knew what to wear.
Marina! Marina!
Marina...!
What was all that in aid of?!
I told you they were weird.
I know they're weird.
But that was extra-weird.
It's something to do with her.
Wrong, Howard.
Bad move. That's gonna blow this thing before we've started.
I... Stick with me. Thou's in for some grand Tuesdays and Thursdays.
All I've got to do is fix Smiler up with some lodgings.
Not too expensive.
The wife's in Australia - don't push your luck.
How are you going to get him digs with Marina?
By the sheer magic of my electric personality.
I am going to get her sympathy.
I am going to make such a pathetic case on behalf of this lad here,
she will not be able to resist.
Electric personality? This should be worth watching.
Stick around. You may learn summat.
He's getting unbearable.
No good will come of this.
He's always up to something if he ignores me. They're up to something.
I know. They're definitely up to something.
It's no good.
I can't listen to it any longer. It's just no good.
Five teas, Ivy.
What's no good?
It's heartbreaking.
There must be a limit to how long a fella can listen to sad stories.
What sad story? His.
Poor old Smiler's.
His dog died, his wife left him. Now he's staying with his sister.
All alone. Very sensitive.
He knows they don't want him. He feels out of it. It's very sad.
This... This fella is very good around the house.
I mean, he'd be a great asset to an establishment.
But can he find any lodging, hey?
Not on your nelly. He could end up homeless.
He's living with his sister.
Only temporar... Only tempor...
Only for a little while. She wants him out.
He could finish up on the streets.
Imagine...him...at his age... with a delicate chest...
..in the street.
I know all about delicate chests.
Well, you would, wouldn't you?
I'd have him at my place in a flash,
if you'll pardon the expression.
But he's allergic to ferrets.
I mean, look at him. Have you ever seen anything as pathetic as that?
But I'm sure there must be somebody in this town
who's prepared to put a roof over this lad's head.
Bit over the top, do you think?
Way over the top.
He needs a roof over his head?
Before winter comes.
You certainly helped Smiler. I did! I helped him.
Yes, I think we all learned something today.
You said you'd get him digs, and digs you got him.
Did you see that? She smiled at him.
Subtitles by Ed Newton BBC Broadcast - 2004