COMPO HAS A COUGHING FIT
Enjoying that, are you? Great!
What keeps me on edge is waiting for smoke to come out of the holes in his garments.
Gordon Ackroyd had this terrible smokers cough... But it went overnight. How?
He dropped dead.
How did he drop dead?
It was easy. He just went...
He got it right first time. He were always a clever beggar.
It happens to dozy beggars, too. Not to ME. Why not YOU ?
God's not goin' to want a bloke wi' holes in his jumper.
I didn't know God had holes in his jumper. Not God, ME !
God's got plenty of jumpers!
Think how many steady knitters there must be up THERE.
You might be surprised. He takes scruffy ones as well.
Death is very democratic. All those lusting after equality are finally going to get it.
I'm fit for my age.
I can hear you wheezing from here.
How can I be wheezin' from there? If I'm wheezin' from anywhere, it's from here!
Does tha think I'm wheezin', Norm?
Well, only from one end.
SIT DOWN ! I'll serve you soon. Ivy!
What?
For thee! A flower?!
Aye, it matches thee eyes.
Just sit there and wheeze quietly. I do not wheeze!
Then some of your parts need oiled!
And in MY experience, they're where it's always impossible to reach.
And I intend to keep them that way! Pudding is not compulsory, Milburn!
It WAS at MY school. No backsliding with puddings!
That sounds trickier than skiing.
My little chaps couldn't have stood the winters if I hadn't filled their innards with a good duff!
What sort of duff? I'm not sure. The cook was Ukrainian. Well, you can't get the staff.
Not on MY wages. Meanie. If I'd paid them a living wage, they'd have got more than ME.
You must keep the differentials.
Norm, remind me to keep me differentials.
Maybe it's them that need oiling.
Helga was nice, but you couldn't understand a word she cooked.
Still, it looked good on the brochure that I could offer courses in Ukrainian.
Were there many takers? Not a lot.
Did tha ever find out what it was, this Ukrainian duff?
I used to show her my pudding plate and say, "Helga, what's this?"
And she used to smile and name something that sounded like a railway station.
Some say it tasted like railway station.
I've had it! I swear I've had that!
But it filled the little men, and that could be extremely difficult.
Schoolboys are entirely hollow. That reminds me. I must order 3 sticky buns... What about you?
He eats all the wrong stuff... or stuffs all the wrong eats.
No wonder you're in poor condition.
Poor condition?! I am in magnificent condition, sonny!
Hey! Who left that scarecrow in here?
Sit down!
If you're in magnificent condition, why were you wheezing?
It may have sounded like wheezin', but it were the sheer electricity of my magnetic personality!
He said modestly. YOU need some exercise!
And he'll get it here, if he starts messing about... Hey! Stop that!
I want 3 sticky buns, tutti-frutti.
No sticky buns! He's starting on a fitness routine.
Make your minds up! That's enough exercise for ME, makin' me mind up.
I'VE made HIS mind up. No sticky buns!
Hey up! What about that, Norm?
THAT is democracy.
Auntie Ivy, is it OK if I go, then?
Were you ever HERE, Milburn?
Does that mean YES or NO ? It means YES. Go on! Great!
It's like havin' a great big St. Bernard.
Where's he goin', then?
It's his half-day off, and he throws himself into healthy outdoor activities.
Like YOU. I'm going to get you fit!
Hey up, Norm, I can feel the exercise comin' on!
I think that fitness is over-rated.
You've spent years bringing your body to a peak of physical imperfection.
I mean, it's just what I need: Milburn with yet more muscle (!) I keep tellin' him...
"Milburn, the Great British public expects the caterin' trade to be staffed with big lilies...
"..then YOU come clumpin' out!"
Can't tha swop him for 3 little Italians?
Ohhh, I'd love to!
But he's family.
Hey, Crush!
Mmm? What's tha gonna do wi' that... smoke it?
It's a canoe!
Can he fit in a canoe? Certainly. Eskimos in big fur coats can fit in canoes.
Fancy wearin' tha best fur coat in a canoe! Tha'd think tha'd keep it for bingo and Come Dancin'.
They have to chew their boots in the morning, before they can put them on. Pardon?
Eskimos. Oh (!)
The boots are frozen stiff. It's the only way they can get them supple.
I don't want to even think about that.
How's he goin' to get it all in?
I'm goin' to find some white water. It's great, is white water.
If I gave him the basic design,
I wonder how long it would take Wesley to knock us up a really lightweight canoe?
They don't chew EACH OTHER'S boots, do they?
They used to. I mean, not all the time.
I don't think they ever said, "Heigh-ho, these winter evenings! Why don't we chew somebody's boot?"
HE IS COUGHING AND WHEEZING
When do I get the canoe?
I'm not going to let you in a canoe straightaway.
First of all, I have to improve your over-all physical condition.
It's improving all the time. Oh, I'm really glad, Norm.
From the inside, it feels terrible.
You'll thank me when you feel the GLOW of health!
Can I send thee a postcard? I won't be able to talk by then!
Can I ask you something? You better make it quick.
Why are you going through all this?
I've got to keep fit. It's not just vanity. There's a good reason.
Oh... Don't stop now.
Between thee and me, Norm...
I've got to confess that bein' cheeky to Norah Batty is no job for an invalid.
# Crack, crack goes the whip, I whistle as I sing,
# I sit upon my waggon, I'm as happy as a king,
# My horse is always willin', And I am never sad,
# There's none lead a life so good, As Joe the carrier's lad.
# Oompah, oompah, Stick it up your joompah,
# Never knicky-knacky on the knoo... #
You're disappointed. I'm not.
It's not everybody's idea of fun, but I thought you'd be interested.
I'd like to share your interests, Howard.
It might stop tongues waggin' once folk see we're merely pursuin' a few studies in local history.
And where's the harm in THAT ?
Practically NONE so far (!)
People are so unfair.
They see us out together and you know they're not sayin',
"I bet these two have just visited a Stone Age burial site."
And we HAVE (!) Really historical... a lump in the ground.
Exactly! Therefore, I see no need for us to be ashamed.
And I don't care WHO sees us. I intend to hold my head up high!
Hey up! It's Howard and Marina!
D'you think he saw us? He called us "Howard and Marina".
We'll deny it. We'll say you were out with somebody my size.
Your uncle! We'll spread the word you've got an uncle my size.
Are you ashamed of me, Howard?
Ashamed?! You're the most exciting thing that's ever happened in me life!
Ohhhh... Ooooohh, Howard!
I'm her uncle!
It needs somethin' HERE... or maybe a touch or two THERE.
It ought to look more "rising young executive".
Mam, they won't promote him for his haircut! It's important.
How d'you think those other idiots got promoted?
I've only just HAD me hair cut!
Yes! And look where you went.
The Unisex Hair Parlour.
That's where I go. It's not a decent establishment!
They've got 2 hairdriers and a sink. It's not a den of sin. Oh, isn't it (?)
Well, this haircut's sinful for what THEY charge!
Stop wavin' them scissors about!
Be quiet, Barry.
Now, where HE needs to be different is somewhere round THIS area.
Well, without your ear is a bit TOO different for ME.
I like him the way he is.
Well, if you only want a husband for recreational purposes... But what about his career?
What're you goin' to do, anyway? I'll get your dad in.
ADOPTS POSH ACCENT: Wesley! Could you come inside a moment, please!
Wesley! Wot?! Get yourself in 'ere!
We'll have a look at your dad's hair.
I went through THAT style when I were 4.
The "young executive" - Dad's hair?!
I know what I'm doin'. If we use your father as the model, we'll get near if we do the opposite.
Wot's up?
"Wot's up?" There's nothing UP.
And that's a very common way to start a conversation.
Nobody says "Wot's up?" any more! That went out with clogs and the Home and Colonial.
Wot am I supposed to say? You should say "Yes?" with a question mark.
All right. Ye-e-es...with a question mark.
All right, Edie, I'm busy! Take your cap off.
Somebody's died... Wot's up?
What're you so busy with? A canoe.
What are you doin' with a canoe?!
Well, you know what it's like sayin' NO to your Seymour!
Oh, well, I can only assume that if our Seymour needs a canoe... he needs a canoe.
I like that one. Aye.
What d'you mean "Aye"? I mean OK. So you like that one. Great!
Do YOU like it? Do you care?!
Of course! I'm not goin' to wear somethin' if YOU don't like it. Startin' WHEN ?!
Just tell me if you like it.
Can I be honest? What's the point if you're not honest?
Well, just remember that! Do you like it or do you not?
I hate it! You little monkey. You're just bein' awkward!
No, I like it. I like it! I want your HONEST opinion. You'd better get it right next time.
The canal ?! Just till you get the feel of it.
Best to try you on quiet water. You'll soon get the hang of it.
That's what they said to Dr Crippen.
He'll soon master it. The whole thing is so beautifully light.
I told Wesley, "We don't want the Ark Royal. We want something absolutely ultra-lightweight."
What about a wet suit?
Shouldn't I have a wet suit? You're going in the canoe, not the water!
I should get that in writing.
You'll be fine like that!
What do I paddle with, me lugholes?
Didn't you bring the paddles?!
All you said was, "Get hold of this end". You didn't mention the paddles. Ye gods!
If I'm not here to supervise every last detail... I try to take all the weight of responsibility!
But I DO like to see initiative... Where was it?
It was in the cockpit.
Ha! Wasn't it a good job I asked Wesley to put it in the cockpit?
I hope tha's right about that wet suit.
What's all this about wet suits? Step in. That's all you have to do.
That's another thing they said to Dr Crippen.
Righto, then! In you get.
Bleedin' hell. It IS light. I told you. She's a beauty.
Hang on, hang on!
It feels a bit flimsy. It's lightweight, not flimsy.
Well, it's news to ME.
I'm sure I must've mentioned it. Not to ME, you haven't. Funny!
I think it's VERY funny!
You're eatin' lunch, talkin' about Lena Mycroft's young man,
when suddenly your husband says, "I'm really interested in Stone Age burial grounds".
Well, I AM. Since WHEN ?
Ohhh...for ages.
Well, it's news to ME.
Other people'll tell you.
(Probably any minute now.)
We'll make the bottom stronger, much stronger.
I've seen enough BOTTOM. All the way to the bottom!
COMPO HAS A COUGHING FIT
All this exercise! Your cough sounds much stronger already.
Hey! You can't bring him in here looking like that!
Oh! No canoeists, is it? Canoeists, appointment only, is it? Get him out!
Prejudiced against canoeists? He'll soon dry. Not in here!
Look at the state of him! He's not much better when he's dry. Yes, I can vouch for that.
It's true. There's no difference.
Right, I want a double scotch, one for Norman, and one for the teacher here... HE'S payin'.
Whose idea was it to come here? Near a fire, you said. I was thinking of shock.
And tha's just had one... Get tha money out!
You're taking all this very well. I am not!
When it comes right down to it, he's got the right stuff!
All he's got now is the wet stuff!
But it's the right wet stuff.
That's true, Norm. Well, you're in a good mood...in the circumstances.
I feel great! It's good to get it behind thee.
It's over and done with! One quick dip. Boom, canoeing finished!
Finished?
Why's he lookin' at me like that?
You'll be a natural canoeist.
Crash, flop, zing, gobble-gobble! Tha calls THAT natural ?!
This time you'll get a wet suit and a greatly reinforced bottom.
Well, that IS good news.
I hope he looks after me wet suit. I'll make sure he looks after it.
It's nearly new. It'll be all right. He'll scarcely touch the sides.
Whoah!
You don't need flippers!
Listen, Elsie, I'm wearin' anythin' I can get hold of. It won't break. It's heavily reinforced this time.
You'll not be goin' through THAT.
I'm takin' no chances!
You look ridiculous!
But I shall be DRY and ridiculous.
AND I'm not steppin' in again. Steppin' in is tricky!
Wesle-e-e-ey!
Ohhhh!
Wesley! Get me down!
All right. Unhook!
Are tha sure the bottom's stronger?
Tell him, Wesley. It's practically armour-plated.
Let go when you're ready!
COMPO IS CURSING AND SWEARING
What kind of language is THAT for a drowning man?
Well, you told him to let go when he was ready.
Subtitles by BBC