SQUEAK
Does that bike always make that blasted noise?
SQUEAK
It's worse when I ride it.
It's in poor taste for a knocked-off bike.
It's not knocked-off!
I borrowed it off our Les.
Well that's as good as a confession.
I like their Les. He can't stand kids.
He's packed in thieving since he got married.
Sending her out now, is he?
SQUEAK
This is where they come to get slim.
Well, it's nearer than Bangladesh
They say it's expensive.
Bangladesh?!
Shouldn't have thought they could find a buyer for THAT at any price.
One - Two - Three - and Four One - Two - Three - and Four...
Know what this reminds me of?
We haven't the slightest interest but no doubt you'll tell us.
It reminds me that I'm 'ungry.
My belly's rumbling.
Charming, isn't it?
Not only his bike to listen to,
now we've got the rattle of his interior moving parts.
Alright. Let's make a start on the sandwiches.
We haven't been going 20 minutes.
I ain't 'ad any brekky!
No! Definitely not!
No sandwiches yet.
Now, don't wolf them all We'll have nothing left for lunch.
Oh, my God - see what he's brought.
What's wrong?
How can you try things like that without steel toes in your boots?
Just thee watch.
CREAKING
What was that?
It sounds like the sort of noise that makes you say...
"What was that?"
Give over, it's just a bird or rat.
A rat?! All right, don't go to pieces!
They're never more than 8ft long.
Listen... CREAKING
There it is again.
I wish I knew the tormented history of this old barn.
I'm beginning to think it's...haunted.
Ye great, big dollop!
But can't you...can't you feel it?
Can't you feel it - that atmosphere of foreboding and despair?
Like Liverpool on a Sunday?
No, of course you can't feel it.
Listen!
Will you pack it in?
You're totally insensitive to anything you can't stuff down your gullet or place a bet on.
Why should an old barn be 'aunted?
I must say I'm totally enchanted
by the idea of some muck-spreading old ghost,
whose notion of a good haunt is to put blackfly on broad beans.
Aye, well I DON'T believe in 'em.
You think that broad beans are a figment of the imagination?
He believes nothing.
I believe in four square meals a day.
There's no need to stuff them all into one sandwich.
CREAK!
There it is again.
It's coming from over there.
(There's something in the shadows.)
Cobblers!
Something white.
White cobblers.
I DON'T believe in GHOSTS in draughty old barns.
But suppose-suppose-suppose Just suppose...
Suppose this barn was the scene of some...DIABOLICAL crime.
IT WILL BE - If you stop me eating this sandwich once more!
The poor demented soul could be DOOMED
to linger here for all eternity.
In broad daylight?
Maybe his watch is wrong.
Listen. In the Far East,
I've seen things that would make your hair stand on end.
Really?
Don't worry. Tha's perfectly safe as long as tha doesn't marry one.
(The MT sheds in the barracks at Sungei Baru were haunted,
(by the ghost of a... a driver corporal,
(who was renowned for the UNBELIEVABLE things he could do
(with his 15 cwt while under the influence of native wine)
CREAKING
(Sometimes... Sometimes he could be heard on payday,
(in BROAD daylight revvying his PHANTOM engine
(and blowing a COLD, CHILL note
(on what sounded very like a battered old military horn.)
CRE-EAK
'Ey up! By 'eck, it's a group!
No. No. No. No.
GROUPS daren't materialise in daylight.
Can you believe in Adam and the Ants in daylight?
Look at their STARING eyes.
It's a close encounter!
They've come to whip us off to the nearest galaxy!
Give over!
It's that lot from the 'ealth Farm.
All in their slimming trunks.
I said I could sense this air of foreboding and despair.
It's these poor hungry devils.
They've got their eye on our food.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Thank you. Thank you.
Slip them a sandwich, Foggy.
And we'll just nip out through yon window.
Good idea, Norm.
Better give them yours, that would occupy them longer. Ger off!
Em...What have you got?
Pardon?
In your sandwich.
Oh! Oh, me sandwich! Yes.
I've got cheese. Ooooh!
Oooh! Oooh! He's got CHEESE!
With mustard? Aye. Look.
- With mustard! - It's very acid-forming, you know.
Shut up, Lapsley! Shut up, Lapsley!
We haven't all got cheese.
I've got a little LEAN CUT boiled ham.
And, for a change, a little pate.
Oh, God, he's got pate.
Not only boiled ham - LEAN CUT boiled ham...
but Normandy pate! 'Ey up!
NORMANDY PATE?
It's potted meat He just likes to swank, that's all.
I'll thank you not to disparage potted meat.
I won't have a WORD said against it.
I can assure you, madam,
despite the unsolicited voice from the condemned wellies there,
this is in fact GENUINE pate.
I think perhaps we ought to be going. They'll be waiting for us.
It's time for carrot juice, sauna and MANIPULATION.
Let them wait Let them wait!
Keep quiet, Lapsley! Trouble-maker!
Let them wait for carrot juice, sauna AND manipulation.
Meantime, I suggest we negotiate
for the purchase of these emergency rations?
'Oh yes! Yes! Yes!'
Do you really think we ought?
We'll open with YOUR contribution.
No! No! Good idea! Come on, Lapsley!
No. It's RIGHT.
I'm not sure about the cap.
You'd destroy it without the cap!
What about me 'air?
Yes... I don't like your 'air.
It comes with the 'ead!
Could you wear it up?
I suppose so.
It gives me 'eadaches and me husband 'ates it.
But I suppose so.
He HATES it? You're lucky he even NOTICES
It makes me look TALLER.
He's conscious of 'is size.
Mine NEVER notices.
After 30 years he still pretends that I've not noticed
he's an UNDERSIZED little idiot.
MINE wouldn't notice unless I fried the ends in batter.
I sometimes think ALL his senses have amalgamated
in a direct line to 'is belly.
Well, ALL bar one, anyway.
# Hold my hand I'm a stranger in paradise. #
You're not too well known in chapel either!
You needn't put your 'air up now.
Yes, but that's the way I want you turned out for weddings.
I'd be nervous at a wedding function.
No, you wouldn't.
I always CRY.
Not when you're involved professionally.
You have a CERTAIN detachment.
Instead of feeling sorry for the bride,
you're too preoccupied watching
for the first drunken fool to start swiping the cutlery.
At a wedding? They don't, do they?
They DO. You'll see them.
Both hands under the table.
Then it's just a question of DISCRIMINATION.
Are they feeling somebody's leg, or sliding something into a handbag?
How do you tell?
By the expression Watch their faces.
I'll never learn!
Yes you will
As an added incentive, for every item missing,
I'll deduct a token amount from YOUR wages.
How can I tell from their faces what they do under the table?
If their mouths are 'anging open, it's lust.
If they're clamped tight shut, it's larceny.
There are some clamped tight, it's lockjaw.
How long have you been listening?
Hanging on to every word.
THUMP! Oh! Damn and Blast!
Oh! It's a good job we weren't 'anging on
to every word of that little lot!
What's she dressed up for?
Because I am DETERMINED
to raise the tone of this establishment
It's about time we raised this blood and snortin' counter.
The public want more than bare tables and sauce bottles.
They won't put up with it.
They will if you shout at 'em They're as good as gold then.
No. If there's one thing mass education has done,
it's taught people to be afraid of bare tables and good plain food.
They've learned to pay DAFT money
for subdued lighting and sub-standard chips.
The tone'll take some raising here.
'Ey up, Nora.
I don't want you coming any nearer Keep away!
Tha looks very slinky in that outfit.
By 'ell, that makes me think of breakfast in bed!
Keep off!
Are you interfering with my staff?
Matter of fact, I don't have the time,
but if you'd like to keep her warm till I get back!
Waw! Waw!
A vision in black!
Right. Well now, Sidney...
we would like a hundred packets of crisps, please.
How many?
A hundred. But if that order is too large we... No, say no more.
Anything else? Yes...
yes, here we are. There'll be four dozen sausage rolls and three dozen meat pies,
1½ gross assorted chocolate biscuits,
two dozen whirly walnut ripples with cream centres,
10 jars of potted meat, 10lbs of cheddar...
SQUEAK
'Ey up, we can't just pedal through the front gates.
We'll have to sneak round the back.
How can we SNEAK anywhere with your damned noisy bike?
Maybe I could oil it with Sid's bread and butter.
Not at the price we can get here.
Will THEY want it?
Want it?
You're only problem's going to be moving your hand out of the way
before THEY get their teeth round your fingers. Come on.
I saw this Western.
There were these three blokes trying to smuggle these guns
to these half-crazy Indians.
What happened?
I daren't tell you.
But if any of them slimmers lights a fire...
Don't wait. I'll be gone.
Why is it me always goes first?
Well...I've thought about that
and I think it's because you tend to be DAFTER than we are.
Oh!
You give him a position of trust and he MOANS about it.
It's time you were prepared to accept a bit of responsibility.
'Ey, mind where you're shoving! Mind where you're shoving!
I can assure you we don't intend handling your trousers a moment longer than absolutely necessary.
You're supposed to jump, not just wriggle about.
I'm not wriggling about!
Well, there's somebody in there wriggling about,
Watch out You're scraping my chest!
If it's like your neck it could do with it.
What's wrong with my neck?
Don't let go, you dozy wet! Arrgh!
See what you've done!
YOU DOZY, GREAT PILLOCK!
Ger off! Ger off! Ger off!
Careful with the stock.
GER OFF!
Now this time on the count of three,
you jump, we'll boost. Got that?
I'm fed up with feeding slimmers.
One!
This business is gettin' my wick.
Two! Supposing there's a guard dog.
In there? They'd have eaten it.
Ready?
NO! Three!
AHHHH!
He's playing silly devils Trying to frighten us.
I think he's succeeding.
It must be shrubbery over there.
He couldn't hurt himself - landing in the arms of a friendly bush.
The ARMS?
Maybe he got more the ELBOW.
The thing is, normally, when he injures himself,
you can tell by this great rash of four-letter words.
I suppose there is LAND over there.
We couldn't be on the edge of... some old quarry?
Shut up, man!
I mean, h-h-h-how could we be on the edge of an old quarry?
Well, would you believe it? You give a chap a little leg up
and he goes shooting off into orbit!
The FOOL. Well, it's the last time I throw him over a wall.
Are you al...? Oh!
Look.
Oh? Oh dear!
Come 'ere, you low prawn!
Come 'ere!
It's not being used.
We can set up our headquarters there and make sorties to attract custom.
RUSTLE
M'mmmm!
CRUNCH! CRUNCH!
CRUNCH!
CRUNCH! CRUNCH!
CRUNCH
RUSTLE RUSTLE
RUSTLE
One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four...
Here you are.
Hot pies! Mushy peas! Biscuits!
Let's 'ave your money. Put it on the tray.
One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four...
Oooh! Biscuits! Oooh! Ham!
One - Two - Three - Four One - Two - Three...
Four - One. Pee-eep!
RUSTLE RUSTLE
Pee-eep! Pee-eep!
RUSTLE RUSTLE
O-o-oh.
Haven't you ANYTHING with fewer calories?
Sorry.
Pork?
Yes.
Thought it looked like pork.
VERY attractive pie, I think.
Pork.
Very tasty.
I like it when you slice it in half...
and you get the speckled effect of tiny bits of red meat...
and the delicate, translucent whites of the fat.
Give him a pie, for pity's sake!
No! No! Please! You MUST not.
What I want you to do is to wait until I ask you...
"How much is this pie?"
Oooohhhh
Then I want...
Then I want you to quote me a RIDICULOUS price.
A totally EXTORTIONATE...
INFLATIONARY, EXTORTIONATE...
RIDICULOUS price that not even a FOOL would pay.
How much is this pie?
£5.
I'll pay it.
Five quid!
I've got this DEEP...
lower bowel feeling of gloom about these whole proceedings.
You just have to look at it as providing a service.
It's better than backing gee-gees.
We're tampering with elemental, natural forces...
and no good will come of it.
Oh, yes it will!
If we can only prize the money outta nimble fingers.
I'll share it fairly at a convenient time and place.
And at some distance from your friendly local betting shop.
Look I 'ave to bet my money on the gee-gees.
If not I just fritter it away!
I'm thinking of those three in that Western, smuggling guns to Indians.
They thought they had a good thing.
Next minute - in comes Geronimo...
to give them a very short haircut.
There's no Geronimo here.
Caught you!
Geronimo! Geronimo! Geronimo!
Oh! Ah! Wait! Ah!
KNOCK KNOCK
Psst!
(Come on)
They'll never notice you in this.
They should never have noticed him in the summer house.
It's quite obvious somebody's squealed.
Swine! If I catch him I'll cut the string of his shorts.
It could have been a woman.
We shall find out, shan't we?...
when we cut the string of his shorts.
'ey up! It reminds me of that film. What film?
Albert RN. He took the place of a bloke what escaped.
It's alright for Alex here and Lapsley - but who's to be Celia?
We'll just have to draw lots... and lots - and lots.
You can 'ave this for a start.
And...you'll need this.
Somebody's coming.
Here, Lofty - get hold of that.
Sauna time, boys and girls, and after, a nice LONG run
in the countryside. Oh, jolly! Oh, jolly, jolly!
All the best Thank you.
A minute.
Hup - hup - hup - hup - hup - hup - hup.
Hup - hup - hup - hup - hup - hup.
Oooh! Oh-oh! Oh, dear. Whew!
Oh! Ah! Oooh! Aaah!
I bet I've lost 10 lbs.
I think we're down to about 30 bob.
Our finances have caught a draught.
I caught a draught in that sauna.
'Ey, Norm. Did you see that bird with the ENORMOUS..? That'll do.
She WAS trying to reduce them, poor woman, wasn't she?
Who was that dozy twit, who kept flicking me with them twigs?!
It was to improve your circulation.
God know why, you'd already been three times round that fat lady.
Ah, well, I've had some healthy exercise.
And a mouthful of dirt. Now we've got to traipse back
for our lousy bikes and the rest of our clobber!
If you think that's suffering... Try to think how the poor slimmer must have felt...
who had to carry your socks back.
I bet they made little Lapsley do it.
Trouble-maker!
Oh, I liked him.
There's still hope for the world...
if it's full of timid little men.
All right. You can take your hair off now, Goldilocks..
Not till I get my cap back.
I've no intention of catching a chill.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd