What makes water wet?
I mean why does it feel different to dry?
Well, we're all very grateful that you've finally started to take an interest in the subject.
All right, what's the answer then?
You're all gob and no notion.
The thing about water that always puzzles me is, why does it always gallop up yer elbow?
You're right Norm, it does! It gallops right up yer elbow.
You've only got to dip your finger in it and trickle, trickle...
It's up y'sleeve and round y'elbow.
It's not an invariable law of Nature.
It's just an accident when water gets to your elbow.
Think so?
Keep still, keep still! Tha might see a fish.
Can't wait! Y'can watch for hours and never see nowt.
Sounds like the Eurovision Song Contest
Oh, bog me!
Hey up!
No wonder there's no fish about.
There's a fella splashin' about with a porthole in 'is 'ead!
Damn fellow could've wet us through, did you see who it was?
I don't know anybody with a hat like that.
We'll soon find out.
'E's got a snorkel, 'e can't stay under long with just a snorkel.
Come on, let's look for bubbles.
Bubbles? That's a hell of a name for a big angry bloke who says things like 'Oh, bog me!'
I've got 'im! 'E's 'ere.
Are you sure?
It's either 'im or a midget submarine.
This is better than fishin'.
What's he doing?
Just lyin' there on the bottom.
Oh God! He's dead!
'Course he's not dead - He'll have to come up in a minute.
There's something shifty about his behaviour.
Maybe he's shy.
Why should he be shy?
Well, with a name like Bubbles.
'Ere 'e comes.
'E's comin' up.
How do, Froggy.
Bog off, you lot!
Hey up! I think it bites.
What is it? I don't know.
But it looks fierce.
Y'think yer've found a quiet bit of water.
I know that voice, not to mention
..that bad temper.
Hey, it's Sid!
Have they run out of fish?
I'm in trouble now, aren't I?
Y'try and pursue a hobby quietly.
Ivy catch ya with the bus conductress?
No she didn't....! I, I 'aven't been near any bus conductress.
Oh I believe you Sid.
Especially dressed like that.
'Ave a good laugh - I knew round 'ere they'd think it hilarious.
Only because it IS hilarious.
He's a bit big for a...
..midget submarine.
Funny.
You've never seen me - If Ivy asks you've never seen me, I'm not 'ere.
I'm supposed to be at the wholesaler's.
Don't Ivy know tha mucks about in this rubber gear?
No, and that's 'ow I'd like to keep it.
That's why I 'ide the gear 'ere.
Good God, snorkeling's not a criminal offence.
It sounds as if it ought to be - What a terrible thing on a man's record!
'Unlawful snorkeling in a public place'.
It's not something to hide, like an extra-marital bus conductress.
I can understand trying to hide your bus conductress.
Tha doesn't keep 'er in 'ere too?
No I don't.
What's all this about my bus conductress? All I did was prod 'er playfully in the ticket machine.
People 'ave 'ad to get married for less. We're just good friends.
We believe you, Sid.
There y'go, makin' me feel guilty, d'you pick it up from my missus?
You're acting so guilty.
The urge to climb into a rubber suit and hold y'head under water is a recognised male passtime.
Wives never understand.
They don't understand the masculine urge to test yerself to the limits in some alien environment.
Oh God, that reminds me, I must go to the Post Office.
Does tha like muckin' about in t'water?
I'm goin' off it, it's not worth the trouble.
I'd sell the lot for a fiver. Done!
Here, 'old this.
What do you want it for? He wants to test himself to the limits in some alien environment.
He wants his head checking.
I think what he really wants is to borrow a fiver.
You're right, Norm.
Well, I can't back out now - I've spent years encouraging him to become more familiar with water.
I hate parting with these things.
I've never been one for cats or dogs, but little 5 pound notes are clean around the house.
And they really bring a lump to your throat, I always find.
Stop waving those damn things about.
Well, I gotta get used to 'em.
They're not for walking in.
I've gotta get the 'ang on 'em.
You look ridiculous.
Did you 'ear what 'e said, Norm? I look ridiculous!
It's an improvement on scruffy.
True.
An hour ago...
..before you became an aquanaut...
..he thought you were scruffy.
I'm makin' a bigger impression all the time.
All the time.
In that rigout you look scruffy AND ridiculous. You see?
He looks like a derelict duck.
Aren't you going in the water?
Gimme time! Gimme time!
You've had nearly a lifetime.
I'm goin' in the water! I'm goin' in the water!
Not up to yer ankles! Not straight away right up to yer ankles!
I am goin' in, ALL OVER!
What?
Dressed like that?
This'll be comin' off when I get me rubber suit on.
I'm learnin' to use me equipment one piece at a time.
I wish you'd do the same with a knife and fork.
What's the matter? Is tha against a bit o' dancin'?
D'you think he'll be all right under water?
On him, I think it'll be an improvement.
But will he be safe? I've every confidence.
In him? No, good lord, no.
How can anybody have confidence in him?
No, I have confidence in our ability to fish him out if he gets in difficulties.
Are you coming?
In a minute - It's not that easy gettin' into a wet suit.
I hope you're not putting it on over your wellies.
Bog off!
It's a funny feeling to think that a bloke you went to school with...
..has grown up to be somebody taking his clothes off under a bridge.
He was weird even at school.
Only from 9 to 4.
When I remember him and Cloggy Hopwood.
They stuffed 100's of beetles down my trousers.
Mainly one at a time.
Exactly, a monotonous regularity.
Hey up, here comes Dewhurst - Bang wallop, beetle down y'trousers.
It was my mother I felt...
..sorry for. Why?
Well, she used to go around with this tight expression.
She hated the idea, but she tried to come to terms with it.
What idea?
Well, me being an only child, she had nothing else to go by.
She was beginning to suspect it must be normal for a growing lad to have beetles in his trousers.
She used to brush me hair at night.
I'd be standing there, face all shining in clean pyjamas.
She used to look at me with this deeply disappointed look everytime she passed me the Horlicks.
Nothing in her sheltered life had prepared her for a growing lad with beetles in his trousers.
Couldn't you have taken them out at school? It wasn't compulsory...
..to bring 'em home.
You couldn't always find the time or the privacy.
It wasn't an operation you could pull of casually in a public place.
Yes, I can see that.
You remember what schoolteachers were like in the early 30's.
Before education became optional ...I remember.
They nearly all had little moustaches - and I don't just mean the ladies.
Well, imagine being caught by one of the old school, fishing about down a pair of trousers.
Especially your OWN trousers.
Exactly - You try telling one of them you were merely looking for a beetle!
I'm ready now.
Is it all right to show meself?
You've done it without permission for years, why be shy now?
Here I come!
I think it'll 'ave to be taken in.
I knew it - I knew tha'd think it were hilarious.
Well it IS hilarious.
That's no excuse.
Calm yourself, or you'll snap your snorkel.
I feel like Flipper in this outfit.
You're like a fish out of water.
No water creature looks it's best flapping about on dry land.
That's true. But once he sees you cleaving gracefully through the water.
I will Norm! I'll cleave gracefully through the water.
That's my boy!
You don't have to do it...
..all at once
Walk in gradually.
No, it's straight in and under.
Hey up!
If you can't keep your balance on feet as big as that!
It's a bit 'igh - I think I'll do it from a sittin' position.
Well, if you want to be reckless.
Listen Muscle Mouth, I'm supposed to be a fish not a bird.
Listen, I'm goin' straight in and under - And don't panic if I don't come straight up.
No, I don't think I shall panic if you don't come straight up.
I'm gonna swim underwater and come up about 50 yds downstream.
50?
Well, maybe 45 - Are yer ready?
What d'you mean WE, it's YOU who's going to do it - Get on with it.
I am gettin' on with it.
Have you any last message? Tell Nora I were thinkin' of 'er.
GERONIMO!
Has he come up yet?
Has he come up yet!
Good morning, Ivy. Mind the floor.
You should've changed.
Ain't no point if I'm goin' in again.
By George! That's one stroll down the street I'll long remember.
I'm passed carin'.
Amazing how many people you know in a small town, and how you meet them all when you'd rather not.
Three teas please, Ivy.
I'll be with you in a minute.
AARRGH!
OH YOU DOZY CLOWN!
Look what you've done on my floor with yer great webbed feet! GET OUT.
That's the wettest he's been today.
As soon as you walk in there's this wooden thing.
Probably 'er 'usband.
No, it's made of special wood - A replica of what they used in the old days.
What is it?
I didn't like to ask, but it's most outstanding.
I tell you who'd know, that gentleman friend of our Edna's.
D'you think he would?
I've never known him short of an answer.
He's very widely travelled in the paper towel industry.
Before that he was in catering.
There's good money in catering.
Edna said, he once had a diploma for his ice cream.
Well, she ought to know.
He gave me this recipe with yoghurt in it.
Yoghurt?
Well you have to try, don't you?
You had to bring it to a certain temperature then put yoghurt in it.
Then what?
Then you had to leave it.
He said for 6 hours, but I left it all night.
What happened?
I didn't fancy it.
BABY CRIES
My God!
Where's he keep it do you think?
I like this time of year.
The long evenings are so pleasant.
Foggy.
There's nothing quite like the English twilight.
Not the same out East y'know - Darkness comes down all of a sudden out there.
Foggy.
Wallop! That's it, dark.
Tropical night drops like a dustbin lid.
I'm very fond this time of year in England.
I don't want to worry anybody... This time of year I get this...
..well nigh irresistible urge to go and buy a pair of sturdy boots.
Tell me something...
It's amazing what satisfaction is to be got from the selection and purchase of a pair of sturdy boots.
How long is he supposed to be down there?
I think it's optional.
Isn't it time for him to come up?
He's only just gone down.
That was ages ago.
Was it? Well, maybe he's found something interesting.
I can't see any bubbles.
Oh well, perhaps he's not very good at bubbling.
I mean, he's not exactly expert at water, is he?
I think we should do something.
That's a good idea, let's compare boots or something.
That should take our minds off him.
I mean something for HIM.
Oh, for him! ..Yes, well I suppose we could.
It feels wrong...
..instinctively, to start plucking him out of the water when it's taken me years to get him in.
Hello! Hello down there.
Hellooo.
No good doing that, he can't hear.
All he'll get is vibrations.
All you've got to do is, put your mouth in the water and shout hello.
It's quite simple.
STRANGE BUBBLING HELLO
Hello.
See, it works.
MORE BUBBLY HELLOS
What're yer doin'?
Looking for you.
Yer dozy wet....! I come up in them reeds.
Down there.
It's very thoughtless of you to come up safely down there,
when we're trying to save your life down here.
I don't know why we bother.
Don't know why I bother either - I'm fed up with this skin divin', it's nearly as borin' as work.
You can't concentrate two minutes.
I want to do somethin' excitin' - Like build a scale model of Nora Batty.
I thought you'd done that.
I couldn't get 'er legs right.
Well, I can understand that.
How can you be bored already?
I want to do somethin' faster.
Will you listen to this - Captain Midnight strikes again!
I don't want to be dawdlin' about when I'm tryin' to enjoy meself.
Dawdlin's for work, not for enjoyin' yerself.
All right.
How does water skiing grab you? Water skiing?
I'd like a bash at water skiin', but I 'aven't got any skis.
We'll get Wally Batty to make some.
Think 'e would? After all you've done for Nora?
That's true Norm, fair's fair.
But when I get the water skis, who's goin' t'pull me?
You leave that to me, I'll get you mobile.
First thing is to get you the skis.
Can I give you a word of advice?
Never tread on a man's flipper.
About so long and this wide.
With a waxy smooth finish.
And something for his feet.
I could do somethin'... 'ow shall I put it?
Pretty basic? That's it.
That's what I've got a flair for.
Pretty basic.
Pretty basic will be fine.
It is Nora, my little water nymph.
Get away from me.
Oh Nora, come swim with me and between us we'll raise a pair of kippers!
Keep your fishy fingers away from my body - 'Ave you gone berserk?
More than beserk! Nora, come and 'ave a look at my snorkel.
They're a bit long, Wally.
Complaints, always complaints.
Do a bloke a favour and yer get complaints.
Don't get upset Wally, he's not really complaining, ARE you?
'E says I'm not complainin'. Try 'em on then, Twinkletoes.
You'll probably like 'em altogether better when yer get 'em on.
Right, get your feet in there.
I'll like 'em altogether better when I get 'em on!
Oh! Don't leave me DON'T LEAVE ME!
I want you to practise standing up.
You're very good at standing up.
It's not easy.
Now, are you ready for stage 2?
Has he got to do something else?
He's got to practise moving about. Hey, wow! Moving about!
His feet are lethal. They've always been that way.
They're very peculiar, are these.
They're built solid, they'll last you out.
They'll flamin' wear me out.
Try turning round.
Not only lethal, but out of control.
You'll soon get the hang of falling down.
I shall, I can feel I shall.
I think he's ready.
And here it comes, the towing machine.
Any last message?
Don't frighten him.
Too late, 'e's already done it.
All you have to do, is rise up on your skis...
..as soon as you feel him pull.
An' stoppin'?
Oh don't worry about that - Let's get you started first.
Listen Daisy, I'm not goin' anywhere...
..till I know 'ow to stop.
Just let go of the rope.
Easy, I can do that with me eyes shut.
I'd keep 'em open.
Maybe you're right, Norm.
It's all systems go then.
Start the bike.
5-4-3-
2-1-
GO!
We have lift off!
Hold the thing firmly.
Oh, hello, I just thought I'd drop in.
We've cracked it this time - You'll be all right this time.
Now that we've fastened the rope to your skis.
Tell 'im to go slow.
He will be.
I could murder some fish and chips.
You usually do.
If ever there's been a neglected subject in poetry, it's vinegar.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd