(theme music playing )
Announcer: From New York City,
it's "The Chris Rock Show."
( audience cheers )
Tonight, journalist Bryant Gumbel,
musical guest LL Cool J,
plus musical director Grandmaster Flash.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock!
( audience cheering )
Hey, Steve White!
Hey y'all, all right.
Thank you.
Oh!
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Man: Yeah! - Welcome to the show.
Yes, welcome. I'm Chris Tucker.
Thanks for coming out. I'm glad everybody's here.
Got a crazy week this week.
- This week, Mitch "Blood" Green-- - ( audience laughs )
Just the mention of his name brings laughter, doesn't it?
"Why'd the chicken cross the road? Mitch 'Blood' Green!"
Mitch "Blood" Green was awarded $45,000
by a civil jury in his suit against Mike Tyson.
$45,000.
Now not only did Mike pay Mitch "Blood" Green $45,000,
but he also paid him another 45,000
just to punch him in the face again!
You know, 'cause Mike wanted to get his money's worth.
After the jury's decision, it was, you know,
Mitch "Blood" Green started taunting Tyson,
he started calling him "Cicely Tyson."
Called him "Cicely Tyson"--
he shouldn't have done that, 'cause Cicely Tyson heard him say that,
came down there and whooped his ass.
That's right!
It was the "Battle of the Fucked-up Curls."
Did you see "Hoodlum"? All right.
Here's some sad news.
John Denver died this week. John Denver died this week,
and investigators are saying
it may be gang-related.
Just kidding. Come on, but it's sad, man.
First Tupac, then Biggie--
I don't know if rap can survive this.
You know who's gonna be on the cover of "The Source" next month, right?
All right.
Gang violence is getting even worse in New York City.
It's getting crazy. We got gangs in New York City
and officials say the increase is the result
of the Bloods trying to compete
with the two most violent gangs in New York City--
that's right-- the Latin Kings and the NYPD.
Whoo!
Thank you!
That's right-- box cutter, plunger?
Okay, this week Louis Farrakhan
called on black Americans to stay home from work
and school on Thursday. Did some of you all do that?
Now, just stay home from work on this Thursday.
Also, this week, David Duke called for blacks to stay home
Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday!
Keep your black ass at home!
Farrakhan called for blacks to stay home.
Why?
You know why Farrakhan did it?
He said he wanted white people to realize how important
that we are! That's right.
He wanted white people to realize how important--
I think white people realize how important we are every time
Luc Longley tries to take it to the hole.
I'm down with the whole thing, but I hope--
I hope this whole Day of Atonement--
I hope it doesn't backfire.
'Cause brothers'll get fired,
then we got a whole lot of days to atone.
"What you doin' tomorrow?" "Atoning."
President Clinton, our President, Mr. Bill,
is finally getting fed up with Paula Jones
and her accusations of sexual misconduct.
That's right, he can't take it no more.
This week Paula Jones claimed that--
now, did you all hear this?
That President Clinton's dick was bent.
That his penis was bent.
That when erect, it was a little sideways.
Now, you know what Clinton said?
"Hey, she didn't say that when I shoved it in her face!"
Announcer: Chris Rock's monologue is brought to you by GOD.
Yes, GOD-- maker of fine products like the Earth,
the universe and salt.
Now we got a great show tonight.
We got Bryant Gumbel, we got LL Cool J...
( audience roars )
...and don't forget to give it up for my man
Grandmaster Flash!
( scratching )
Now fall is here and kids are back in school.
But not all of them are gonna finish the year.
Especially here in New York City where we have one
of the highest dropout rates in the country.
What happens to someone who drops out of school?
What is their future gonna be like?
So what I did is I hit the streets
and I talked to some people who just might know.
What kind of job can you get if you dropped out of school?
The jobs that we handle are mostly loading and unloading trucks,
stock work, packing, shipping.
Lot of unskilled work.
Is this the worst job you ever had?
You had a worse job than this? What, did you play a roach?
What kind of work are you looking for now?
I'm looking for something like a CEO position.
School just wasn't doin' it for me.
So, being a bathroom attendant, is that doin' it for you?
Uh, not yet.
You got any astronaut jobs?
Hmm. Not at the moment, sir.
What is the craziest thing that's ever happened to you on the job?
The craziest thing, I would say,
I met a man one time who had a really bad foot fetish,
and he gave me like $200 just to suck my toes.
Beautiful face, beautiful hair,
a figure that's really neat.
But the face and the hair wouldn't go nowhere
if it wasn't for the feet.
What's the worst job you ever had?
Well, I never had a worst job.
Every job is the best.
It depends on how you are looking at it.
- So you're a positive guy, huh? - I am.
Wow, if you had to shovel cow shit,
you'd be the happy cow shit guy.
Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
I don't believe that's your business.
What's the worst part about this job as the elevator operator?
Uh, I guess centrifugal force.
You be here tomorrow morning at 6:00, ready to go,
we could send you right out to work.
Yeah, yeah. Don't CEOs come in a little later?
Um, 6:30...
You getting ready for the Peaches and Herb reunion?
- How did you get this job? - Daddy.
You see any strippers around here that need to retire?
( instrumental music playing )
What about your computer skills, Mr. Rock?
Computer skills-- you know, I have a Sony PlayStation
that I'm very good at.
Do you know how to operate one
in terms of turning it on
and typing out some documents?
Every fool knows a computer has an "on" button.
This is the "on" button.
You push that on and then the computer turns on.
And then you also could turn it off as well--
on and off. Do you want to write this down?
On, off.
On... wow! Off.
Did you drop out of school?
I went up to ninth grade.
I went to, I'd say, about 10th grade.
Um... probably third grade.
What did you want to be when you were a kid?
I wanted to be a teacher, which I am going to school for.
Okay. That's gonna be an exciting class.
Yes, it will be.
"lf you're good, I'll show you some ass."
( instrumental music resumes )
What's your dream right now?
- Actor. - Actor.
What did you dream of being?
Well, I always dreamt of being
an entertainer, a performer.
Do you see any actors out right now that you think you're better than?
- Uh, Keanu Reeves, maybe. - Keanu Reeves.
There's a bomb strapped to the bus.
Do not go under 55.
Do you see anybody out there now
that's famous that you think you're better than?
I wouldn't say "better,"
but I would say that I could do just as good as
say, uh, R. Kelly.
( singing off-key )
What advice would you give kids thinking about dropping out of school?
Don't do it. You don't have to drop out of school
to be a stripper. Finish school--
Finish high school at least.
- Don't do it. - Don't do it.
I would definitely recommend not dropping out of school.
You'll end up with a job that you don't like.
How's it going today?
Man: It's all right, you know.
- Can I get a little more? - Yeah.
Don't do it!
All right!
I think I'm gonna go back to school.
My first guest tonight
was the anchor for "The Today Show" for the past 15 years.
He now has a prime time magazine series
called "The Public Eye." Please welcome Bryant Gumbel.
( crowd cheering )
- Thank you. - Thank you.
How you doing, man?
Bryant on my show. This is great.
- Your show. - Yeah.
- Your show. - Unless you want the job.
- No, no, no. - You're a big man in TV.
- No, I'm not. - All you gotta say is,
- "l like that HBO slot." - No, I'm not.
- You know what's weird?
I'm glad people are giving you a standing ovation,
your props, 'cause I've been like--
this is a weird one. Like 10 years ago
I did a joke about you that was like really bad.
It was like, "lf somebody told Bryant Gumbel he was black,
he'd have a heart attack."
And it was like, it was like,
it came from my ignorance
of like where I grew up and everything,
- and any black guy that spoke well... - Yeah.
...was considered white, and I'm glad that people
are, like, growing the fuck up...
( laughs )
...and giving you,
you know--
( audience cheering )
I'm--
I've always been amused by it when people say
"Well, you don't sound black."
It's like, well, "Excuse me.
Does it mean you have to sound unintelligent
in order to "sound black"? Is that what you're telling me?"
In other words, if I sound halfway intelligent then I sound white.
Have you seen it change from the time you started till now?
No, a lot of people are still ignorant.
- Really? - Yeah.
No, you know what?
You know this very well. If you got good parents
and they stay on you and they want you to use proper English,
you just grow up using proper English.
I don't take any great pride in it.
Just speak, that's all.
It's not something you put on your resume.
No.
"And I can talk!"
I mean, you are a broadcaster, a journalist, okay.
- Now the thing with you-- - Uh oh.
No, 'cause you're like a very controversial figure.
I don't know if I'm controversial.
Here's what makes you controversial in this business--
if somebody hits you over the head,
you don't say "Thank you" and walk away.
You turn around and hit them over the head.
Then they say you're "controversial."
I'm not controversial. I never pick on anybody.
I just happen to return fire if somebody fires on me.
- Oh, okay. - That's all.
( audience applauds )
No, I mean, hey, look,
and you know this as well as I do.
It has ever been thus when black folk are on TV.
You're supposed to walk around and constantly
be saying "Thank you, thank you for the chance."
"I'm so glad to have this job."
"I'm so glad. Thank you so much, I'm so lucky."
Because I don't, then I'm supposedly controversial.
It's weird that you got the "controversial" thing
attached to you,
- 'cause you work in the morning. - Yeah.
In the morning, people are not very--
people are just like "Hey, man, I'm just...
hey, I'm just selling my book, man."
it just seems odd. Maybe you have like a nighttime persona
in the daytime. You ever...
No, I'm pretty much the same.
'Cause I've done your show. I never did it with you.
- No. - But the--
- Sorry. - Yeah, why is that?
- You were always welcome there. - Okay.
You just didn't get up that early.
- I get up now. I was ignorant then. - What time you get up?
- I get up early, man.
- What time you get up? - 9:00.
Come on, man, cut a brother some slack, man.
I didn't get into show business to work!
Sleep's overrated. Sleep is overrated.
- Sleep is not-- sleep's overrated? - Yeah.
- What are you talking about? - You don't need a lot of sleep.
- You need some sleep. - You don't need a lot of sleep.
You need water, food and sleep.
If you don't get nothing else...
( audience cheering )
Let me ask you this. Is there ever a day,
no matter what time you get up,
- you don't complain about getting up? - Sometimes.
Doesn't matter if you get up at 4:00 or 11 :00,
- you're gonna complain about it. - You're right.
And two minutes after you're up, does it matter?
- Yeah, sometimes. - It does not!
If I was partying last night with Puffy,
chasing some girls around a jacuzzi,
yes, I need a little more sleep the next day.
- I just get like-- - So you don't need no sleep?
I don't get a lot of sleep. I don't need a lot of sleep.
I mean, when I did the "Today" program I got up every day at 4:10,
I'd go to bed about midnight, 1 :00.
- Really? - Yeah.
You woke up at 4:00 in the morning?
- Yeah. - What's wrong with you, man?
- What are you, the Terminator? - No.
- You don't need sleep? - There's too many things to do.
What are you doing, Bryant?
Working, reading, playing golf, having fun.
Playing golf. You know what's real cool? You have this--
you have a golf tournament every year
to raise money for the United Negro College Fund.
- Yeah. - Which is cool.
The funny thing is--
Speaking white--
that's ignorant, but golf is very white.
More brothers would play if they dropped
the requirement for plaid pants, that's true.
But the funny thing about the tournament--
I've been doing the tournament now 10 years,
and I bet there's only a handful of people that even know about it.
And we put-- my foundation puts
84 kids through college every single year--
every single year.
I do it because I believe in education.
I believe in black folks getting education.
I don't do it to get your applause although I'm grateful, really,
but the funny thing is nobody ever writes about that, you see?
Nobody ever writes about that.
They just write that you hit 'em upside the head.
That's right, I hit somebody upside the head today.
- I gotta thank you for coming. - Hey, always a pleasure.
- Thank you, man. - Be good, man.
Bryant Gumbel! Bryant Gumbel!
Ladies and gentlemen, Bryant Gumbel!
A legend!
Now, I want everybody to watch this.
Announcer: You loved "Dorf on Golf."
You howled at "Dorf on Fishing."
Well, get ready to rupture multiple internal organs
with hearty, out-of-control laughter
as you watch "Dorf on Crack."
Chuckle along with the inner city's most loveable loser
as Dorf tries his darnedest to get high...
Damn these cheap-ass crack pipes!
Announcer: ...and to get paid.
Sir, could I interest you in a VCR for about $50?
Give you two dollars for that.
- Sold. - ( siren wails )
Hey, what the--!
I was gonna buy some crack with that!
Announcer: Dorf just can't win, but he takes the prize
as the wackiest substance abuser you'll ever see!
For $19.95 you can own this
hilarious, full-length cassette for yourself.
It's 21 zany minutes of fun
at about the same price as a couple of hits of crack cocaine!
Send for "Dorf on Crack" today!
( softly ) Before the real "Dorf" people
take some kind of legal action and prevent us from selling them.
Okay, hey, there's been a lot of controversy about euthanasia,
or "mercy killings," and it's mostly centered around Dr. Kevorkian.
What most people don't know is that there's another doctor
who has assisted in hundreds of suicides
all over the country. His name is Dr. Peter Johnson
and he is my next guest. Please welcome Dr. Peter Johnson. Come on.
( crowd cheering )
Now, euthanasia, or "mercy killings," as you may call them,
it's a very controversial topic.
Now, what's your take on the right to die?
Well, Chris, I believe that every human being
has the right to decide for themselves if life is worth living.
I've devoted my life to this principle by helping those
who are crying out for the release of a merciful death.
Now, I understand that you have taken part
in hundreds of assisted suicides.
That's right, Chris, I have.
Now some people criticize you, saying what you do is just murder.
Those people are ignorant, Chris.
The fact is I videotape everyone that I euthanize
and each tape, they positively state
their intention to commit suicide.
Now do you have any tapes that you can show us?
- Yes, I do have a couple of clips. - Oh, good.
Now this first one is a young man who was suffering
from a terrible medical condition-- just awful.
Okay, let's take a look.
Johnson: Please state your name.
Ed Connors.
Mr. Connors, why don't you tell us about your medical condition?
Well, I have a knee injury.
Last summer my knee went out.
It hurts pretty bad.
Johnson: And you tried getting treatment?
Well, yeah, I've had three operations, but it still hurts.
- Johnson: It's hopeless, isn't it? - Well, yeah, my knee still hurts.
Johnson: You want to die, don't you?
Huh?
Johnson: Wouldn't you like for me to take the pain away?
- Well, yeah-- - I thought so.
And you made this decision of your own free will?
Uh, what kind of thing is this?
Johnson: Never mind, Mr. Connors. You don't need to say anything more.
I know you feel the pain. I suggest we get this over with.
Hey, what are you-- ( screams )
Now...
I think you can see from the tape
that Mr. Connors died of his own free will.
Doctor, with all due respect, you killed that guy!
I didn't kill him, Chris. He killed himself.
I merely assisted him. He was suffering.
But you didn't even do it painlessly.
I mean, you strangled the guy!
What's the difference? He's dead, isn't he?
He's not going to remember if it was painful or not. He's dead.
The point is he got what he wanted.
Now I'm gonna show you this next tape.
It's of a woman who--
Iiving had become a terrible task for her,
and I was very happy to bring her some relief.
Okay. Let's look at the tape.
Johnson: Excuse me, ma'am?
Oh, hello.
Johnson: Ma'am, those bags look very heavy.
I bet you're tired of carrying them around, aren't you?
- Woman: Well, yes, l-- - Would you like me to help you
so you won't have to carry them anymore?
- Woman: Yes, I suppose so. - Say no more, ma'am,
I'm here to help you.
Chris' voice: Stop the tape!
That was no mercy killing.
You mugged an old lady!
I didn't mug her, Chris. I was helping her.
But you went through her wallet. You had a fuckin' knife!
Chris, I am not independently wealthy.
I'm a doctor and I'm entitled to a fee.
You're no doctor! You're a murderer, a killer!
So what you saying, a black man can't be a doctor?
What the fuck does black have to do with this?
You just killed somebody!
Please just take a look at this next tape
of me euthanizing a man who was confined to a chair.
( grunting )
Please don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!
I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!
Okay, now that guy was actually saying,
if I'm not mistaken,
he said, "l don't want to die."
Now you call that a suicide?!
Some people, after they make the brave decision to take their own lives,
right before the actual act, they have second thoughts.
They have what I call "The fear of death."
Now, it's my job
to see them through that time of doubt.
No, no, no, you're no doctor. You're a fraud!
- Chris, I beg to differ-- - ( sneezes, coughs )
Sir, is that a cold you have?
One second. I'll be right--
( chainsaw revving )
I want to thank Dr. Johnson very much.
Now, here to perform the song "Phenomenon"
from his latest album just released this week,
give it up for LL Cool J!
Yeah yeah yeah yeah! Come on, come on!
Hold it! Hands in the air!
( singing hip-hop music )
LL Cool J, the baddest around!
I'd like to thank all my guests for tonight's show,
Bryant Gumbel, LL Cool J. Yo, Flash, take us out.
( theme music playing )