Summer was good to Heather.
- She could pass for a ninth grade. - What a country.
You are quite lucky to be taking my civics class in an election year.
You'll witness the greatest spectacle in democratic history.
The choosing of the American president.
As you watch the debate tonight,
You will see two men articulating their beliefs,
their ideals, their visions of our great country's future,
hoping to inspire the people to elect him as leader of the free world.
The Founding Fathers might have built the White House in a better area.
lf he gets re-elected, maybe we can get him to move the capital to the Hamptons.
Right.
- Nice writing, Gene. - Thanks, Mr President.
So, we all agree this is it?
l don't wanna make a mistake. Not tonight.
That speech covers 82% of the concerns of working-class Americans
within $6,000 of the median income.
- You're sure? - Plus or minus five percentage points.
Minus five percentage points and we'll all be looking for a job.
- Right. - Every vote counts in an election year.
Even his.
- Thanks for letting me work on this. - OK.
- Was it your mom or dad? - lt was my dad.
He erased the hard drive.
A computer is not a toy.
- He wondered if you'd come and fix it. - Again?
l told him there was no way. School and all.
- What did you get me? - Mortal Karnage. Deluxe version.
l would have done it for him anyway.
l know that and you know that. But he doesn't know that.
Kenny, where's your new Orioles jacket?
l left it in my locker.
Bring it home tomorrow. You don't want to lose it.
Yeah, l'll try to remember.
- Could you play a little quieter? - l'm cruising the net.
- Turn the game down. - lt's not a game. lt's for school.
Our civics class is meeting on the internet to discuss the debate.
Could you discuss it a little quieter?
lt's Home Improvement. The one where Jill gets confused about Tim's tools.
"Home Improvement" is repIaced by the first debate
between President A Thornton Osgood III and...
For crying out loud! Here we go.
Another politician talking at me like l'm just a number.
l take it he's not voting for Osgood.
He doesn't vote. Says there's no point.
My feIIow Americans.
Tonight I want to taIk to you, the working middIe cIass...
Talk fast. l want my shows back.
I don't need to teII you that the probIems you face
are as exigent as they are ampIitudinous.
l am sure you probably say this to yourselves every day.
Great job, Mr President.
Our polling data should show you keyed in on our target demographic.
l really think you struck a chord with the Average Joe tonight.
And I'm sitting here on CapitoI HiII
WeII, it's a Iong, Iong journey to the capitaI city...
- That was weak. - l'll say.
- What was the point of watching? - l'd rather watch ''Home lmprovement''.
That was boring. Mr Campbell made it sound more exciting.
- Neither one answered the questions. - lf we did that in a test, we'd flunk.
Next time, we play Mortal Karnage.
What will you tell your parents about the jacket?
Greg?
Hey, Kenny-wenny.
l was just wondering if you were done borrowing my jacket.
Does it look like l'm done, Kenny?
Well, no...it's just that...
Just that what, Kenny?
l'm gonna do you a big favour.
l'm gonna borrow your lunch and then maybe we'll forget about this whole thing.
Salisbury steak again?
- You need to stand up to him. - Me and what army?
He's the only kid here who shaves.
Matthew has won every election since fourth grade.
l heard he spent more on his campaign than the mayor.
He only does stuff that benefits him.
- Why don't you run? - l don't have what it takes.
A swimming pool and a dad who owns a go-kart track.
He's right behind me, isn't he?
Oh, no. ls it Greg Swan?
- Could l talk to you a minute, Kevin? - Kenny.
- Sorry. Kenny. - Not that Kevin's not a cool name.
My parents were probably considering naming me Kevin.
- Probably. - Deep breath. You're losing it.
So, what's up?
Alone?
Alrighty, we'll just snug these puppies up here.
Everything's tickety-boo and we're all set, Mr President.
l hate this computer stuff.
lt's important that we get you up to speed on the internet
so you can make an informed decision on the Zimmer Bill.
Now...
What...
Madison.
- What is this thing? - lt's a radio, sir.
Radio...
Don't leave things in the Oval Office. Play in the vice-president's office.
Dad, l'm 1 4 years old. l wasn't playing.
l was waiting for you. To talk about me going to the Garbage concert.
Yeah... l got hung up with the French president. l'm sorry, sweetheart.
- Did you like Francois Junior? - He's a dork.
l hope you didn't tell him. The trade agreement isn't signed.
The speaker's kids are going to the concert.
l don't care about the Democrats. You're my daughter.
- But, Dad... - You live in my house, you follow my rules.
- lt belongs to the taxpayers. - Don't talk back.
l get enough of that from Congress.
- Well... - Madison.
You wanna help me learn computers?
Sounds like a blast, Dad.
John Tesh is coming to the state dinner next week.
You can invite some of your friends over for a private concert.
Was that a yes?
Sir, as l was saying, if we can just go into this...
What have we got?
- David, could you excuse us? - Certainly, Mr President.
Thank you.
l don't want to beat about the bush. Tom?
According to our most accurate polling data,
67% of Americans felt that your opening and closing speeches
showed that you're still out of touch with the average American.
Out of touch?
Balderdash! What about that photo op last year, me playing squash?
- She wants me to tutor her. - l hope you told her absolutely not.
Unless she goes to the dance with you. Should have talked to me.
Heather Boyd is coming to my house. With me. l can't get a kiss at spin the bottle.
- Yeah. You got a point there. - Yeah...
Mike.
So the bill would ban transmission of pictures
from popular websites like this one.
ls that Rosie O'Donnell?
lt's not her body, sir. lt's a computer-generated image.
When this boots up, we'll be all set.
- Thanks for helping me with this. - No problem. Glad l was able to fit it in.
Sometimes it takes a while to get the hang of it, Mr President.
Why don't you try clicking the left mouse button?
OK, press any key.
- Which one's the ''any key''? - No, ''any'' meaning all of them.
- l press all the keys? - No, just one.
Whatever you do, don't press the control, alt, delete buttons at the same time.
Why, does that scramble the bombers?
No, sir, it reboots your computer.
Remember? That reboots the computer. Again.
Don't worry about that book report, l can just retype it.
Thanks, David. Come back and teach me again sometime.
Next time, do me a favour. Call Bill Gates.
Thanks.
Who's this PartyMan?
lt could be anyone. Anywhere in the country.
That's the thing about chat rooms. You can use any name you want.
Then you're free to join in. Talk, post messages. You're anonymous.
Zimmer wants to regulate chat rooms?
Not all of them. Just the salacious ones, like...
..this one, with the posting from Hot Hon.
But not all of them are sexual in nature, are they?
No. Some of them are political.
Some of these should be regulated.
This is the school's website.
Click to link up to the teacher you want an assignment from if you're ill or miss school.
Do teachers have copies of tests there?
We can't get into that section.
- lf you click... - About that other part.
That's where they have their tests? And answers?
Yeah, but you need a teacher's account.
Could someone really smart like you get into it...
..if you wanted to?
Well...l'm sure l could figure out a way.
- Really? - Yeah...but that would be cheating.
Right. Right. lt's just...
l was having a problem in Mr Campbell's civics class.
Me too! lt's kinda tough.
Wanna check out that teacher section?
Just to see if you could do it.
Just once?
l... Heather, l don't think that that's such a good idea.
- We could get into big trouble. - l understand.
l gotta get home. My mom doesn't like me out late.
Want me to walk you to the corner?
- No, that's OK. Bye. - Right, l'll...
..see you later.
Do you think l only care about the rich, Fran?
l care about the average American. Don't l?
lf they vote for you, dear.
Go to sleep now.
Here goes.
- l did it! - Did what?
What are you still doing up, Kenny?
Resear...homework.
For my civics class.
We're to get voter opinions about the debate...in the chat rooms.
l don't like chat rooms.
You hear stories about people luring kids away from home.
l'm using Dad's screen name. Big Jack W. People won't know it's me.
Besides, this is just politics.
These people aren't freaks, just...boring.
See this guy? Average Joe.
He asked what we thought of the president.
l'm telling him if he gave answers like that in school,
he would flunk.
Now he wants to know why.
Because he never really answered the questions.
He talked and talked but didn't seem to say anything.
Joe seems to disagree, hon. He says the president did give answers.
A couple of times. But he didn't say how he would do it.
He said he'd balance the budget, but how?
lt's like in math class. You have to show your work.
- l didn't know you were so politically aware. - l am, Ma.
Dad doesn't watch the debates any more.
He says, ''Politicians talking at me, not to me, like l'm a number.''
l'll tell him that too.
OK, Abe Lincoln, time for bed.
OK, Ma. Last one. He wants to know how to change it.
''lf they just told the truth, people would vote for them
''even if they didn't agree 100% .''
So l say to you,
education is the cornerstone of our souls, our communities, our country.
Brilliant. He's got them.
Cornerstone of my what?
Thank you. l hope l can count on your support.
That's it?
We all know education's great. That's why we're teachers.
What about us? What's the cornerstone of my future if l don't know if l'll have a job?
l understand.
How can you understand? No one in your family has worked for three generations.
l know you don't believe this, but l feel frustration for people like you too.
Politicians don't talk to you. They talk at you, like you're some number.
You hear the same answers, yet no one will tell you how they'll carry out their promises.
lt's like a student solving a math problem but not showing you his work.
lt makes you sceptical about how he did it.
Sir, l suppose if you had me in one of your classes,
l'm guessing that you might not be giving me a passing grade.
l guess l'd have to do better if l don't wanna flunk out.
The final exam isn't until November, so hopefully you won't grade me until then.
And please grade on a curve.
The passion in your speech was great.
- ls there a shift in your campaign strategy? - l said it all up there.
Thank you.
His off-the-cuff remarks at the conference struck a chord.
A poII taken 13 minutes after the speech
showed his approvaI rating shot up four percentage points.
That's good news two days before the second debate.
Nice work, Mr President.
..the president Iit the room on fire with these words.
HopefuIIy you won't grade me...
SpeII...For...Cash!
All right!
''..allows you to wage war in real time, as allies or rebels,
''pushing you to the brink of annihilation.''
So cool. Don't you think, Ken?
lf l'd wanted to do homework, l'd have stayed home.
l wanna show you something.
Kenny, whatever you're about to do, l support you completely.
That... Those aren't... They aren't what l think they are, are they?
They're not for me.
- Heather wondered if l could do it. - Heather. l get it.
l don't know if...
What words? Who's Average Joe?
Some guy l met in a chat room.
He better not be some kind of...
Who is he? What does he do?
Tell him his typing stinks.
''What kind of work do you do?''
- Homework. - Grad student. That explains it.
What school?
Teacher.
Why does he think you're a teacher?
l'm fine. Just slipped...off the...chair.
Loose wheel.
Yeah. That fixed it.
That'll be all. Thanks.
Eighth grade!
My opponent just doesn't get it.
We live in a much safer world today. A different world than our parents lived in.
The big Soviet threat no longer exists.
So let's slash defence spending to the core.
Let us start over.
- He's eating him alive. - l know.
Can't we issue a statement tomorrow? He's not feeling good, or something?
Mr President, how would you curb the rampant overspending on defence?
He's freezing.
You know...
..l have thought long and hard about this...
..and l think we should make defence spending like the TV show ''Spell For Cash''.
ln the old days, when a contestant on ''Spell For Cash'' won,
he couldn't go anywhere.
They could only select items from the store.
That's why contestants went home
with $6,000 porcelain tigers that were really only worth about 200 bucks.
The defence industry's the same. We choose from a few contractors.
That's why the US taxpayer is stuck with $400 toilet seats.
But the contestants were starting to get unhappy
and viewers were starting to switch channels and watch ''Hard Copy''.
The ''Spell'' producers got smart.
They started paying their winners in cash, and they can spend it wherever they like.
So if someone really feels the need for a porcelain tiger,
they can get the best deal.
l think we should make defence spending like the new ''Spell For Cash''.
Let's give ourselves more and better choices.
Let's open up the contracts.
Don't lock ourselves into the defence equivalent of the guy selling porcelain tigers.
Yes, Mr President!
Mr Harris, would you like to respond?
Huh? No.
OK. The next question for our candidates is...
l've looked through everything,
key points, sound bites, contingency remarks,
and l fail to find any mention of TV game shows in our preparation.
Would you explain that?
lf you want to, Mr President.
The facts and figures were too stuffy.
Who are we talking to? l want people to relate to what l'm talking about.
Let me know if there are any ''Sesame Street'' references
in the State of the Union address.
l'd like to put some spin on the fallout.
Anybody seen my keys?
- Can't help you there. - Thank you, Kenny.
..we go to the news desk.
To say he stunned us is an understatement, but the response is overwheIming.
Everyone can reIate to what he's saying.
- He struck a chord with average peopIe. - What was the question again?
l never thought l'd say this, but l like the things Osgood is saying.
lt's all crap. He doesn't write the stuff.
lt's all from some Yale speech-writer.
- When did this arrive, Vladimir? - Last night.
Friends or not, send this to Moscow right away.
And, Vladimir, start a file on this Big Jack W.
Big Jack W.
We intercepted this from the lranian embassy. There could be a mole.
Get all our agents on it. Find out who this Big Jack W is.
Salisbury steak again?
lf anyone is interested in supporting my campaign,
the meetings will be held at Cox Family Amusements.
My dad did say he would provide free tokens to the arcades and batting cages.
Heather. Heather.
- Hi. - Kenny, l'm kinda busy right now.
l did that thing we talked about last night.
On the computer.
- ls this the test? - Shh.
Last semester's final from Mr Campbell. He won't have put the new one out.
You're the best, Kenny.
You're the best, Kenny-wenny.
And if you don't mind, and l know you won't, l'll have that test when you're done with it.
And the momentum is buiIding for the Osgood campaign.
Once Ieft for dead, his campaign is catching on.
He now traiIs Harris by...
What the Sam Hill is going on here?
Anybody?
Steve?
Two weeks ago, President Osgood was so out of touch with the average American,
his idea of fast food was only having a four-course meal.
Now he's quoting game shows and is middle America's new poster boy.
Maybe he's a fan of the show.
You're fired.
Now, somebody please find out who's advising him.
- Yes, Mr President. - Katherine.
l thought we should have a talk.
You've been wondering where l'm getting my new campaign rhetoric.
l think you should sit down for this one.
l told you you should sit down.
l'm fine, she's fine...
- l just... - ..tripped.
Thanks.
All due respect, sir,
this is a joke, right?
Even l couldn't make that up.
You are asking me to tell the people, in an election year,
that the leader of the most powerful nation on earth
is taking policy advice from an eighth-grader he met in a chat room
on the US Online Network?
l wanna meet him, Katherine. He's a gold mine.
You can't be serious.
Maybe he's a child prodigy, a political Mozart.
My nine-year-old grandson built a tree fort. He could be the Secretary of Defence.
Katherine.
Bottom line. How many points are we up in the polls?
Well, at least let me see if he checks out.
Dad, are you coming?
You go. l'll try and meet you up there.
- Here he comes. - Got him.
Motherhood Two in position.
- Coming your way. - Roger that.
WouId the CIark party pIease come to Iane 28?
He threw a gutter baII. We're going in.
You trying to get hit in the face?
- Where did it go? - l don't know.
- But it... - Maybe it's stuck.
Collect?
Yes, l'll accept the charges.
Very funny, Boris.
Listen, l had to veto the aid package.
lt's an election year. Surely you understand.
Listen, Boris, l'll push something through Congress after November 4th.
Great. Next time, the call's on your bill.
Right.
All right.
Boris, l really have to go.
Dos vadanya to you too. Bye.
He'll talk your ear off.
Katherine, send him something.
Michigan cherries...a gift. A show of good faith until then.
Our sources suggest he won't survive the vote of confidence in the Duma.
Really?
Forget it, then.
- What's up? - Well, sir, we checked out your adviser.
Katherine, don't you start with me now.
l don't trust Osgood.
He broke word in past.
But just to be safe, send him box of Siberian vodka as goodwill gesture.
Our sources in Washington tell us he most likely will lose election.
Never mind, then. But we must find out what he is thinking.
Sources think they are close to identifying the Big Jack W.
Maybe he should get visit from Economic Development Office.
So, aside from the fact that he consistently leaves the tenpin, he's clean.
What did you expect? A 13-year-old double agent? Let's get him in.
lf you want him to come to Washington, l urge you to do it discreetly.
l disagree. Keep it open.
lf it gets out, it'll look bad. And it always gets out.
Not true. FDR was in a wheelchair and that was kept a secret.
That was a different time. The press treated him more deferentially.
- What about Richard Nixon's hairpiece? - Really?
That's beside the point.
The spin we put on it is that even in an election,
the president exchanges ideas with the average citizen.
Exchanging ideas and having some school kid with a C-average in civics class
advising the President of the United States
are different things.
He wouldn't advise.
He'd merely help to paraphrase things so that they didn't sound so political.
How do you propose to meet Mozart?
- Mr Campbell? l work with the president. - This is such an honour.
Baltimore's middle school civics teacher of the year.
l don't know what to say.
- Me neither. - l wasn't aware l'd been nominated.
- l told the kids about the election. - Great.
We're glad that you and your class are able to make this special tour.
And here's your certificate of recognition.
The White House has 132 rooms,
32 bathrooms, 1 47 windows,
412 doors, 12 chimneys,
three elevators and seven staircases.
Until the Civil War, it was the biggest house in the US.
Now we'll head over to the East Room.
- Kenneth Witkowski? - Yeah.
- Come with me. - l didn't touch anything.
Don't l know you?
l don't think so, sir.
Bowling. You were bowling in the lane next to me.
l can neither confirm nor deny that.
The way you bowled, l don't blame you.
- What do you want? - Your president needs you.
- Matthew Cox? - Not that president, sir.
l should be getting back. My teacher...
l was just holding the pen. He snuck up on me.
l wasn't gonna take it. Here.
Welcome to the White House, Kenny. Or should l say Big Jack W?
l'm A Thornton Osgood lll, but you know me as Average Joe.
- What? - l'm the one you've been talking to online.
The bad typist.
Are you trying to say that you're the guy l thought was a weirdo?
Wow! This is like...wow!
This isn't about the pen, is it?
Here. Have a seat, Kenny.
Next up is the Blue Room, used as the reception room for foreign dignitaries.
Sounds pretty cool, eh, Kenny? Kenny?
Me? l'm a B-minus student in civics class.
That will drop to a C after your last test.
- You had a problem... - This isn't about grades.
l witnessed during our computer chats that you have great ideas
and a way to make them accessible.
l don't know enough about political stuff.
Who does?
l can't wait to tell everybody about this.
No.
l'll tell Mr Campbell. This must get extra credit.
- My parents? - We'd prefer...
You can tell them. But it's a secret.
So...how can l help?
Kenny, have you seen the latest polls?
- Yes, of course. - Not good.
Michigan shouldn't be behind Southern Cal. Don't they look at schedule strength?
Could you all excuse us for a minute?
Katherine.
So, have you ever been here before?
lrene, send in Gene. My speech-writer.
No!
We don't like to...pick this up.
The state dining room accommodates 1 40 guests.
- Have you seen Kenny? - Who?
Any questions?
OK. Well, that concludes our tour. l want to thank you...
l guess today's your lucky day.
We're gonna take you on the special extended tour because Mr...
Campbell.
..Campbell here is the Maryland's middle-aged civil teacher of Baltimore
for...the...
Come on.
This is Gene Collings.
- Hi. - Hi.
So?
Tell me, Kenny, what do you think about the Zimmer Bill?
l don't know.
Do you like it? This desk was a gift to President Hayes from Queen Victoria.
So, what do you think?
Well, it's...it's a nice piece of wood.
No, l mean about the Zimmer Bill.
Well...
Why don't we find a place where you might be more comfortable?
lf the First Amendment says Congress shall make no law,
- l don't get it. - lt's not that simple.
Senator Zimmer and a lot of my party support this bill.
lt is simple. Show them a copy of the Constitution and ask if theirs is the same.
Good idea. Stops people stealing them.
l'm not that worried about it.
- You have this on everything? - Seems like it.
- Your turn. - No, l don't play.
My daughter Madison comes down with her friends.
l keep promising but l don't usually have the time.
- l always have time for bowling. - You often leave the tenpin.
For a non-player, good observation.
- Who's that? - The man with the football.
We can toss that around later.
And this is bathroom 30 of the 32 here at this White House.
And you'll notice that the sink has two handles.
The one on the left controls the hot water and the one on the right for the cold.
Sure you don't have any questions?
lt's important to know that this faucet is always on standby
in case the president's around
and he may want to wash his hands or rinse something off or fill an iron
or make some tea.
And that about covers it.
That's it?
Are you sure there's no more questions?
- lf not, then it's back to school. - Yes!
Let's go.
What happened to you?
l...went to the bathroom.
For three hours? Did you use all 32 of them?
Do you have a microwave?
High tides and surf...
OK, Jack.
Osgood wants to taIk about game shows.
His administration is Iike "Jeopardy". Many questions, no answers.
On "Jeopardy" you have to suppIy the questions, Senator.
- I am no Wink MartindaIe. - That's AIex Trebek.
Wink Martindale? Who advises this guy?
He asked if their copy of the Constitution was the same.
- Who's winning? - Mom! Dad!
You won't believe what's happened.
- The Secret Service loved him. - People love the Olsen twins.
- But they don't want them to have your ear. - Oh, Katherine.
Once he tells his parents, it'll be all over the news.
Then we went bowling!
Bowling with the president? That's nice, hon.
- Spatula. - He asked me about this bill...
Jack, are you listening? He went bowling with the president.
- Then he gave him some advice. - Great, son. What did you roll?
- You guys don't believe me. - Sure we do.
Now go wash up for dinner.
Fine.
You know, that's a cry for attention.
l saw it on ''Oprah''.
The funniest clip was when the guy steps on a rake and gets hit between the legs.
Anybody watch ''Face The Press'' yesterday?
l'm kidding.
Class, take a writing implement and some paper.
We're having a quiz on our White House trip.
A bit more.
That's it.
So, where are you guys from again?
European Economic Development Office in Washington.
This is where we ship our product. This man here, he's one of...
- This is Jack Witkowski. - Yes, Jack Witkowski.
They're from the European Economic Development Office in Washington.
Washington? Pretty cold there these days?
Yes, has been very cold in Washington lately.
We would like to see it warmer there.
Not just Washington, but all over the east.
- lt's two-way street. - Yep.
l wish l could do something about the weather.
l see.
Thank you, Big Jack W.
No problem, big...foreign guy.
l thought we'd have taken a beating from our own party.
- Wrong. - But you just held up a piece of paper.
That paper was the Constitution.
But still, l would never have imagined.
The kid's a political savant.
Kenny, would you stay for a second?
l've graded your quiz on the White House.
You didn't get one question right.
- l wrote about the Oval Office. - We didn't visit the Oval Office.
And what's this about a bowling alley?
The opportunity of a lifetime.
And you didn't even pay attention.
He's idiot. lt must be elaborate misinformation campaign.
- A hoax. - Are you sure?
Da. When Yuri tried to recruit him, he thought Yuri was talking about weather.
- Hello? - Kenny?
- Yes. - PIease hoId for the president.
Kenny, I wondered if you had any free time today for a IittIe bowIing.
- Bowling? - We'll send a car.
That'd be great.
Could you hold on? l got another call.
Hello. Heather...
Call waiting.
No, l haven't had a chance to get back on the website.
Can l call you back? l've got another call.
Dance?
Yeah, could you hold on for a second?
Hi. Sorry. l'll be right back. lt's kind of important.
No, l'm not going with anyone to the dance yet.
Me? And you?
Us?
Together?
No, l wanna...will help you out.
lt's just...l've been kinda busy.
Right.
OK. You too. Bye.
- Sorry about that. - No problem.
- Ma, l'm going to help the president. - Hold it.
- Where are you going? - To the White House.
Tell me the truth or stay here.
- Ma, l really am! - Kenneth Eugene...
- Fine. l'm...going to Mike's. - That's better.
OK, who had the anchovies?
We have a lot of work before the next debate, so let's get to it.
Kenny, we might be needing you around a little more,
so here's a direct line number and a beeper, and we'll cover for you.
- Your parents? - They don't believe me.
Good...
..grief. How can they not believe?
- Today l'd like to discuss... - Kenneth Witkowski to the principaI's office.
Your Aunt Katherine called. You must leave early.
There's a family emergency. Your Uncle Ozzie in Washington.
''There are amplitudinous challenges facing college students...''
- Amplitudinous? - Large. Huge. Sizeable.
May l?
Chinese Office of Technology?
Kenny, l'm sorry, but your Uncle Ozzie's taken a turn for the worse.
There are sizeable problems facing today's college students.
But sizeable problems are opportunities for bigger solutions.
Ma, l'm gonna be late. We've got amplitudinous problems at the chess club.
Of course l'm at school. l wouldn't tell a lie.
That's why the attack helicopters work well against enemy tanks.
So, who wants to play first?
..related to the upcoming presidential election.
l want you to watch three news magazines again...
I'm just a biII
Yes, I'm onIy a biII
And I'm sitting here on CapitoI HiII
WeII, it's a Iong, Iong journey to the capitaI city...
My uncle's liver transplant.
Well, lookie here.
Where's my test copy, Witkowski?
l'm talking to you.
Mr Witkowski would like to borrow his jacket back.
President Osgood, once thought aIoof and remote,
now seems much more in touch with the average American.
A change reflected in the Iatest GaIIup poII, which shows him increasingIy ahead.
Why don't we know how this is happening?
- Horner runs a very tight ship. - She can't keep a secret for ever.
She still thinks nobody knows about Nixon's hairpiece.
Sir, at the risk of sounding like your junior adviser,
you are kicking butt, Mr President.
The latest data shows you up nine points with likely voters.
Nice work, people.
Harris must have no idea what hit him.
Put the final nail in the coffin tomorrow.
- What was that? - Nothing. l sneezed.
Gene, take the rest of the night off.
- We've all been working hard. - OK.
- Good night, Mr President. - Good night.
- Nice shot. - l can't wait to get back to my school league.
Sorry. Time to go?
No. You finish up.
- What inning are you in? - Frame. l'm in the eighth.
Well, they never had many bowling alleys in my yacht club.
We're even. No yachts at my bowling alley.
Kenny, your help has been invaluable.
- Thank you. - No sweat.
lt's been kinda fun getting involved in politics.
My dad doesn't even vote.
He thinks all politicians are a bunch of...
He wanted to vote last time, for you, of course,
but...he had to...do something.
Want to try?
- What, bowl? - Yeah. lt's a lot of fun.
Put your thumb in.
Down. Straight down. Keep your back straight.
Neck... OK.
Scoring is more difficult than balancing the budget.
Most lanes have automatic scorers.
- Yes! - All right! Good shot. That's a spare, right?
- Yeah. - All right.
OK.
What college did you go to?
- Harvard. - Don't they teach math?
Ouch. l really munched on that one.
- Now what? - That's a seven-ten split.
Two ways to try it. Play it safe and get one pin
or try to slide the seven in to pick up the spare.
OK.
l'm a moderate.
Dad? They're ready in the screening room.
- Weren't we gonna watch ''First Kid'' today? - Oh, right.
Dear, why don't you get started and l'll meet you up there?
Madison, this is Kenny Witkowski. Kenny, my daughter Madison.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Teaching my dad how to bowl? - Trying to.
He wants to learn so you guys can play.
Spend some time together.
Well...
- You forgot? - Yeah.
''Why don't you get started?'' All parents say that when they forgot.
- But we know. - l try to make it up to her.
l let her invite some friends to the state dinner for a private concert by John Tesh.
John Tesh?
- She likes John Tesh? - l don't know. l do.
You should have invited somebody like...Garbage.
How would that look at a state dinner?
l can see the headlines. ''President Has Garbage ln White House.''
Don't say you were doing it for her. Kids know.
Better get home. lt's getting late.
- Thanks, Kenny. - You thanked me.
For the bowling lessons.
- For everything. - No problem...Mr President.
Kenny.
Kenny. Wait up.
l called you last night.
Right. Last night...l was at the arcade.
You weren't. l went there after l called.
You must have missed me.
Hi. l bought our tickets to the fall dance today.
- l'll pay you back tomorrow. - You don't have to.
You can pay me back with that test.
My mom couldn't pick me up today.
- Do you want to walk me home? - Sure.
Yeah. OK, yeah. Bye.
See you later. Don't worry about me, l'll be fine.
lf you turn to page 26 regarding Russian activities here,
you'll note the Economic Development Office is busy.
Yes, sir?
Why would the Russians be interested in a warehouse worker?
lt seems that President Osgood has entered the cyber age.
Hey, Leon.
l'm so sorry to hear about Kenny's Uncle Ozzie.
Uncle Ozzie?
A bone-marrow transplant so soon after a liver operation.
- Liver operation? - And your husband at work in Costa Rica.
- Give me his name. - l can't tell you.
- l'd be kicked off the lntelligence Committee. - Don't give me that security crap.
l've got an election to win. l've got a debate in five minutes.
- That's the best l can do. - Sir, they're ready.
So am l.
How is Harris's unemployment plan like the ending to ''Star Wars''?
Our reguIar programme wiII not be seen so we may bring you the finaI debate...
What are you doing? l was watching the debate.
We go Iive to Gorson HaII.
- Mr Harris, you won the toss. Please begin. - Thank you.
Costa Rica?!
..if you vote for me on election day. Thank you.
Mr President, your turn.
Thank you.
Hi, everyone.
Sorry we had to pre-empt the good shows tonight,
but unfortunately we face some problems in this country
and we need to fix them together.
The president's tax proposal is regressive.
Surely the more one makes, the more one should pay.
l may take a beating on this, but l disagree.
Why penalise people for trying to succeed?
lt's like telling your kid the harder he works, the less allowance he gets.
..consumer price index.
For me, that's like going for a two-point conversion.
According to Dr Barry Nathan, we should be increasing farm subsidies by 32% .
Listen to me.
Why should we pay farmers to grow food nobody wants to eat?
That's like cooking more spinach when you know your kids gave the first lot to the dog.
He's got 'em.
Yeah, but why don't they look worried?
lf we stay the course,
my advisers project a stabilising of interest rates over the next six months.
Senator Harris, your response.
Thank you.
Your advisers, Mr President?
Do these advisers, who make all of these complex and sensitive calculations,
do they include an individual
whose identity you were trying to hide from the people?
lsn't it true, Mr President,
that you have made decisions on complex issues
based on the advice of a complete stranger...
..whom you met while anonymously cruising the cyberspace chat rooms?
Tell the American people, sir,
about this individual who has no experience or skills in any of these issues.
Well, l'll just give you a little hint to jog your memory.
He's 40 years old and he's a resident of Baltimore, Maryland.
Will you respond, Mr President?
Mr President?
Yes.
That is absolutely 100% not true.
l was not and l am not taking any policy advice
from any anonymous 40-year-old Baltimore resident.
Lindsey! Come here! You're gonna be in for a big surprise.
..far too exigent and amplitudinous
for me to be taking policy advice from anyone but my most trusted advisers.
Period. And that, sir, is no secret.
- lt could have been worse. - Yeah?
They could have shown a yearbook photo of the 40-year-old's teenage son.
- lf this ever gets out! - These things come back to haunt you.
- That is not true. - lt is.
- President Nixon's hair... - Please.
Thank you. Cut to the chase, Tom.
You took some hits. ln a poll after the debate you dropped four points.
- l knew it. - But you're still up five.
- And? - Sir, we're a week until the election.
To quote a sporting metaphor, sit on the lead.
Play it safe.
Meaning?
ln regard to your junior adviser...
We now return you to your reguIarIy scheduIed programming.
- Kenny! - Honey, that's not gonna solve anything.
Kenneth Eugene Witkowski!
- What? - Don't ''what'' me, young man.
Your mother just found out you've been skipping school.
Who's been writing you all those notes? You? Mikey?
- The ClA. - The... Are you on drugs, mister?
No, l would never do that.
l told you. l've been going to the White House.
- The White House? - He gave me a beeper.
- Jack, it is drugs! - Ma! Dad! Listen to me. l'm telling the truth.
We went bowling in his basement. He's got a desk from a British lady.
l can prove it.
Ask for the president. Tell him it's me.
You think this is funny?
We're sorry. Your caII cannot be compIeted as diaIIed.
- If you reached this recording in error... - But...
Washington DC. l'd like the White House switchboard.
- White House. - The president, please.
Sorry, the president's pretty busy.
l see.
lt's the president's good friend Kenny. They bowl together.
His bridge partner called me yesterday.
Right. No. Thank you.
- Are you gonna tell us what is going on? - l already told you.
All right, young man, you are grounded. No television, no computer.
- No friends over. - No friends over.
Until you tell the truth it's school and your room.
Hey, stranger.
Well?
You said you'd have the test for me today.
- lt's coming up next week. - Heather, l got a problem with my computer.
Do you have the test?
- No. - What am l supposed to do now?
- You could study. - Very funny, Kenny.
- About the dance... - l'm glad you brought that up.
As it turns out, l don't think l can go with you after all.
OK, more presentations.
Up today are Joey Nader, Cindy Gardner and Kenny Witkowski.
- Witkowski. - What?
What do you want to borrow now?
My F in civics class?
My application to summer school?
My computer? Guess what. l don't have a computer any more.
My date to the dance! But l don't have one.
l'm grounded anyway. So what do you want?
Nothing, man, l...
l just wanted to say l'll return that folder l borrowed last year.
Good!
This is the paragraph you gotta sell.
No, sir.
No, you can't risk that.
Harris has an army of private detectives.
For all we know, they're intercepting this e-mail.
- l have to go think. - Yes, sir. That's a good idea.
Work on the speech, sir.
lt's the last one. lt's a biggie.
We have to blunt Harris's momentum, sir.
Mrs Schembri! l'm sorry to spill my coins in front of you as you walk into your office.
- Thanks, buddy. - What are friends for?
l guess l've been a bit of a jerk recently.
And a liar.
- And rude. - Yeah.
- And really selfish. - l get the point.
What were you doing?
- You wouldn't believe me. - Try me.
Nice shot, Dad.
Mom said you wanted to see me.
l practised so we can play together.
Can you teach me how to do that?
Well, that was just lucky, but l'll try.
- What's that for? - l have no idea. You're supposed to do it.
All right. Here...goes nothing.
Now what?
l can play it safe and try to get one pin down
or go for broke and try to slide the seven into the ten and pick up the spare.
- Where did you learn that? - Kenny.
Oh. He's helped you a lot, hasn't he?
Why don't you call him and tell him?
- l can't. - Why not?
lt's complicated.
l see. lt sounds like an amplitudinous problem, Dad.
Well, then, you can play it safe or you can go for broke.
Therefore it is my plan to shorten school days
and extend summer vacation.
The person you were sending e-mails to was the president?
- That's right. - Cool.
- You believe me? - Sure.
- Why? - Kenny, l'm your best friend.
At the White House you disappeared for three hours.
Yeah.
- Your dad was right about politicians. - Yeah.
- You can't trust 'em. - No.
None of 'em.
New sweaters for the varsity pep club.
- And we can't change things. - Maybe.
- But maybe we can. - What?
Matt, how do those new sweaters help any of us?
How does that benefit anyone but your rich friends in the club?
How will you, a student, shorten the school day?
Give us details, not promises.
Yeah!
What will you promise next year? A taco stand? A football stadium?
Talk about something you could do, like getting a computer or fixing the lockers.
Kenny, why don't we go to the go-kart tracks and talk this over?
The problems are here, at school.
We're electing a class president, not president of the go-kart track.
Well, no. Actually, l didn't meet the president himself.
- What was that? - A good story?
l don't have to put up with this. l'm president.
No, you're a student. You have to listen.
Because without me, without the rest of us, you aren't the president.
l'm sick of complaining about you.
- l'm gonna do something. - Like what?
Like...well, like vote.
For who? l'm running unopposed.
l nominate Kenny for president.
Write in! Write in! Write in!
Write in! Write in!
That was some good stuff!
I promise to Iisten to aII of you. From ninth-graders to seventh-graders.
Aren't you supposed to do that?
Words to remember in this eIection year.
When I asked why he was running, Mr Witkowski said,
"If I don't care about student government,
"why shouId I be surprised that student government doesn't care about me?"
Cox FamiIy Amusements said they're offering free tokens to the first...
Listening to people who can't vote. How to run an election.
You gotta give the kid credit for guts.
Yeah, running for class president, considering all his other problems.
- What other problems? - Never mind that. You need...
- What other problems? - Nothing.
Nothing.
He's grounded, he's flunking civics and everyone thinks he's a liar.
- Can we look at this? - And he lost his date to the dance.
That's not anything we can handle now.
How do you know all this?
What do you mean? We're keeping tabs on him.
We wanna know if the Harris people are snooping.
This is all because he tried to help me.
l wouldn't say ''all'', sir. lt's not like he was getting an A in civics before.
You are running neck and neck with Harris. No chances out there.
Dad. The President of the United States is here.
Don't you start with me too.
Sorry for the impromptu detour.
l'm sure you're wondering why l'm here and, more importantly, where here is.
l'll answer your questions in a second.
- OK, Lara, we're going live. - This is Lara Cullen...
Can Kenny come outside?
He's grounded.
As President of the United States, l hereby officially pardon your son.
Now can he come outside?
Hold on.
Kenny, the president's here.
Very funny, Dad.
- What's going on? - Maggie, apologise. Lindsey, you too.
- My... - l don't wanna see him.
Open the door or you're grounded till you can vote.
- l am grounded. - He pardoned you.
lf he doesn't wanna talk to the president, he shouldn't have to.
Looks like l'm on my own.
This is the home of Kenny Witkowski,
the man Senator Harris talked about the other night.
My adviser.
Only he's not 40 years old. That's his dad.
Kenny is an eighth-grader at Davidson Middle School.
l wanted to tell him that l'm sorry.
The truth is that l was embarrassed to admit
that l, the president, was taking advice from a 13-year-old.
But in the words of a very wise politician, and l'm paraphrasing,
you have to listen to everybody,
not just the ones who can vote for you.
I guess I forgot that I'm supposed to uphoId the Constitution
by the peopIe, for the peopIe, and aII the peopIe.
Period.
Kenny heIped me remember.
So if the people still see fit to re-elect me as their president on Tuesday,
l'll still be listening to citizens like Kenny Witkowski.
A gamble, you say?
Sure. But we need to start taking chances again.
This country was founded on chances, not the status quo.
We became America because we were tired of the status quo.
So let's go for it again.
Like going for that seven-ten split in bowling.
People may say l made a bad political decision coming here today.
Well, l think l made a pretty good people decision.
Thank you.
You've got my vote.
That is, if l was old enough to vote.
Then l'll vote for him for you.
Me too. l think l'm still registered.
- l hope l didn't get you into too much trouble. - l am flunking civics.
l'll make a call. This has got to be worth some extra credit.
Thank you, Mr Class President.
Maybe we can get them to play at your dad's inauguration.
Thanks, Mike.
- Shall we? - Yes.
Liberty is on the move.
Step back. Nothing to see here.
I'm just a biII, yes, I'm onIy a biII
And I'm sitting here on CapitoI HiII
WeII, it's a Iong, Iong journey to the capitaI city
It's a Iong, Iong wait whiIe I'm sitting in committee
But I know I'lI be a Iaw someday
At Ieast I hope and pray that I wiII
But today I am stiII just a biII
I'm just a biII, yes, I'm onIy a biII
And I'm sitting here on CapitoI HiII
WeII, it's a Iong, Iong journey to the capitaI city
It's a Iong, Iong wait whiIe I'm sitting in committee
But I know I'lI be a Iaw someday
At Ieast I hope and pray that I wiII
But today I am stiII just a biII
I'm just a biII, yes, I'm onIy a biII
And I got as far as CapitoI HiII
WeII, now, I'm stuck in committee
And I'lI sit here and wait...