[liquid bubbling]
.
Woman: I hear they're gonna cut it and put it on the street.
Man: No...
Mm-hmm.
That's what I heard.
But I love it in its pure form.
Don't you think they should dilute it just a little?
Of course, they'll have to.
It's so strong.
[sniffs]
Very high quality.
Exactly.
[sniffs]
Good stuff.
Yes!
Do you realize how much we could get an ounce for this?
Woman: No. I think she's a little crazy myself.
It gets off smooth.
Climbs fast.
Cruising altitude.
Heaven!
I swear there's an orgy going on inside my nose.
Gentlemen, have a smell.
Uh, Judy?
Judy: Yeah?
Something very exciting has happened.
Tell Mario and Sheldon
To come into my office right away.
Judy: Right. Oh, wait a minute. David's on the phone.
I'll have to call him back, Judy.
What do you think, huh?
I think you've done it, Hillary.
They don't call you the nose for nothing.
All right, moss.
The formula's a lock.
I want top security on the lab
Until we get the first shipment to the dealers.
Kline, I want you to destroy all our test batches
And put our notes in the safe.
Congratulations, Moss, Dean, Kline.
I think we've got ourselves another winner.
I mixed that 2 fragrances together.
She's crazy.
Man, in office: You can't do that.
One is for men, one is for women.
Hillary: Oh, yes, we can.
Hillary.
Now, what we have to do is market this thing...
Hillary.
Properly because it's the one scent--
Hillary!
What?!
David says it's important!
Ok! You don't have to yell like that.
Put him on hold. Tell him I'll be right there.
Where was I?
In a market with one scent.
Yeah, yeah, a market with one scent. Ok.
This perfume is the only scent that we can market that way.
Why? Because it's the only scent that a man can buy for a woman,
A man can buy for another man, a woman can buy for a man,
A woman can buy for another woman.
Isn't that fantastic? Have I left out anybody out?
Well, I'm glad you asked that.
The important thing...
What is the important thing?
What does it smell like?
What does it smell like, you ask me?
It smells like nothing
You've ever smelled before in your life.
Is it good?
I think so, yes.
Because it's totally new and different.
What we have to package is this.
What we have to sell,
The idea you have to get across,
Is that not a single flower had to lose its life for it,
Not a single animal had to lose its life for it.
Listen to this, this is a fantastic slogan.
Put it down on your tape.
It's running.
Why smell like a flower
Unless you want to shack up with a bee?
That's interesting.
Interesting? It's sensational!
I want you both to go away to a very quiet place,
Let your brilliant and creative minds
Blossom with original ideas,
And bring me back exactly what I'm talking about.
David, is it personal or legal?
Oh, never have your ex-husband as your lawyer.
Uh, David, I'm sorry. I just--what--what, David?
Oh, no, no. I have buyers at 3:00,
Labels at 3:30, stoppers at 4:00.
I can meet you at 6:00.
No, not at 5:00 because at 5:00,
I have a very big meeting, lots of people.
We're firming things up.
Instructor: 1, 2, 3, 4,
5, 6, 7, 8.
And 1, 2, 3, 4,
5, 6, 7, kick those heels up.
Energy. Energy. No wonder your husbands are leaving you.
4, 5, turn, and sock it to 'em.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.
And 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, last bout,
And last, touch the floor.
Sweep through, and rock it now.
2...3...4. 1 down, 2, 3, 4.
Stretch up, 3...4,
And squat, 2, 3, 4.
And reach those fannies to the Sky. Roll!
%% shake your body %%
Roll body tucks.
Here we go, 2...3...4...
5...6...7...
Come on, those dimples belong on your cheeks,
Not your behind. All right, pelvis.
Good for your thighs. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.
Everybody breathe. You're gonna pass out.
7, 8. And 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.
Move around, everybody. Get those arms up.
1, 2, 3, 4, have some fun with it.
You're gonna feel good. You'll look good.
Come on, 7 and 8. And 1, 2, 3, 4,
Get those heels up. Sock it to 'em.
Hit 'em, hit 'em, hit 'em. Hit 'em, hit 'em.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.
And last bout. And, class, touch the floor.
Swing through.
Put that elbow down there. Hillary, beautiful.
Laura, get your buttocks up.
Up, up, reach the Sky.
There you go. Yeah, you're hot, ladies.
Hillary: David!
Come on, tight ass. Get it up there.
So this is the big meeting?
Uh-huh.
Well, how's it going?
Oh, fine, fine. Going very well.
What are you doing here?
There's a problem, and I have to talk to you.
I thought I was gonna meet you
Downstairs in my office.
It can't wait.
Oh...Shoot.
Come on, Hillary.
You know I can't talk when you do that.
You never could, David.
That's cute. It's really cute.
Now, come on. This is important.
More important than firming the thighs?
Instructor: Rancho.
Come on, Hillary.
No, David. Whatever it is, I don't want to know about it.
I feel too good today.
I gotta talk to you, understand? But not in here.
It's a very sensitive matter.
What's the matter?
You got some kind of disease you don't want to talk about?
Tell me everything. Who is she?
That's ridiculous. I'm a lawyer.
I don't catch those kind of diseases.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard.
Come on, Hillary, we're getting out of here.
Ok, ok.
Oh, wait a minute. I forgot something.
Take it easy, David.
What's so terrible, David-- I mean, what's so important
It couldn't wait till after my pelvic press?
Hillary, you're avoiding me.
I am not. I told you
I'd meet you down here at 6:00 and it's 5 to.
Judy, any messages?
Judy: I'll be in in a minute.
Thank you. Hillary, please.
I have to talk to you.
Go ahead, I'm listening.
Now, it doesn't look like I'm listening,
But I am. I can read and listen at the same time.
Sometimes I can even talk and listen at the same time.
All right, look, this is--
It's very difficult for me to say what I have to say,
So I would appreciate your undivided attention.
Hillary!
Aah! Sorry, David. I wasn't listening.
I don't know how to say this...
But life is funny.
Mm-hmm.
Judy, what's taking you so long?
Judy: In a minute.
Just remember, as long as you've got your health,
You've got everything.
Now, let me see if I get this straight.
Um, you came here to tell me today
That life is funny
And if you have your health, you have everything.
Now, was there anything else on your mind,
You know, before I can get back to work?
Walter Hines, your business manager,
Has embezzled all of your money, and he's left the country.
Uh, Judy, don't come in here now.
Ok, David, this is some kind of joke, right,
Like when we were first separated,
Then you had my apartment robbed
So I'd be scared to live alone?
No. No joke, I promise.
You're broke.
It can't be! Can't be, David!
I'm a wealthy woman, you know.
I buy what I want.
I mean, look at all my stuff.
You know, I tip big.
If I see a nickel in the street,
I don't even stop to pick it up.
Does that sound like the behavior of a woman
Who's broke?
Pick it up, Hillary.
[intercom buzzes]
Judy: Hey, what's going on in there?
Judy, what are you doing here so late?
Huh? Don't you have a home life? Go home.
I can't afford to pay you overtime.
David, come on. This is a nightmare, you know?
I mean, when I woke up this morning,
I was in a very high tax bracket.
You're talking ancient history, Hillary.
You're about to enter a new chapter in your life.
I don't want to enter a new chapter in my life.
I like the chapter I'm in right now.
In fact, I can't put my book down.
You can get yourself a new book...
As soon as you can afford one.
Why would Walter do a thing like that?!
It's crazy.
He not only cleaned you out,
But all the rest of his clients
To the tune of millions of dollars.
Now, how crazy is that?
Let's just check this out. Judy, get me Walter Hines.
Judy! Goddamn it, that girl is never around
When you need her. You know what I mean?
Always knocking off early.
I told you, don't give that Guy power of attorney.
Didn't I say that to you?
Yes, yes, yes.
Hi, Hillary Kramer here.
Let me just speak to Walter, please.
And he didn't leave a number in south America?
Huh...
Hillary: David?
What?
When you say I have no money,
You mean I have to be careful at Saks,
Or I can't afford toothpaste?
You can always brush your teeth at my house.
Look, this is what you owe
And these are your negotiable assets.
But, unfortunately,
This pile has got to go towards paying off this pile.
And, uh...
This... This is what's left.
This? What's this?
Read it.
"Eddie Kid Natural Scanlon." a boxer?
I own a person?
Don't I own something that doesn't eat?
I'm afraid that's you.
Uh-huh.
David, this is ridiculous.
You know, I hate violence.
What am I doing with a prizefighter?
I'm in the perfume business.
It's another tax scheme of Walter's, you understand?
About 4 years ago, you bought his contract,
And he's cost you about $60,000.
Oh, that's great! $60,000.
Not even a goddamn thank-you note.
What's that pile again?
This?
Mm-hmm.
Uh, that's approximately $350,000 in debts.
David, where am I gonna get $350,000?!
Unless I sell my--ahh,
Why would you even suggest such a thing, David?
It's all I have. It took me so long to get where I am!
All right, could you tell me this?
Then how else are you
Gonna pay all your bills and stay out of jail?
[horns honking]
Thank you.
[tires screech]
Ah!
Man: Say... What's happening, mama?
Ooh, mm-mm!
Aow! Go get 'im, sweetheart.
50 cents, miss.
Hmm?
It costs you 50 cents to look and a dollar to work out.
Oh, 50 cents. Sure.
I'm just here to look. Swear to God.
What's your problem?
Me? No problem.
I was just wondering
If you had a fighter named Eddie Scanlon.
You pregnant?
No. I'm thin as a rail. Look, see?
No pregnancy here. Strictly business.
In the back.
Thank you very much.
Uh, just let him know you're there.
Ok. Excuse me.
And keep your hands to yourself.
Right.
Ohh! Aah!
Hey, man--
Oh, I'm sorry. I was just looking.
Not at you. Not at you.
I was just looking for Mr. Big--
Kid big. Kid natural. Kid natural.
Yes.
Yeah, well, he's right around the corner.
Oh.
You can't miss him.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
[men trash-talking and arguing]
Excuse me.
Which one of you guys is Kid Natural?
I'm Kid Natural.
What are you talking about, man?
I'm Kid Natural.
I'm the most naturalest one here.
What's on your mind?
Which one of these guys is Kid Natural?
You're looking at him.
You're Eddie "Kid Natural" Scanlon...
The fighter?
[men laugh]
Yeah, in the flesh. Why, you like fighters?
I don't know. They're ok.
Uh, could I talk a little business with you?
Uh, yeah. Business, of course.
Boys, could I have my office back, please?
Yeah, ok, champ.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
Ahem. All right. I'm listening.
Well, Mr. Natural...
Most people around here call me "kid,"
And this is my manager, Percy Washington.
Oh, hello. Oh...
Most happy to meet someone as lovely as you, miss.
Thank you very much.
It's very nice to meet you both.
I'm Hillary Kramer.
Can I get you something?
Would you like a drink of water or something?
No, no. Thank you.
The reason I came here today is to ask you--
You don't want a drink of water. How about some juice?
Do we have any juice?
No, thank you, really. I'm--I'm fine.
What I--
Oh, killer, come here. I want you to meet somebody.
Say hello to Hillary Kramer.
Yeah. Well, I'm pleased to meet you.
Hello.
Uh, good luck on Saturday, killer.
Yeah, guess I'll do a little redecorating.
Is he a fighter and a decorator?
When did you ever meet a decorator named killer?
No. He's gonna... Redecorate somebody's face.
Oh.
Say, can I get you a soda?
No, thanks, really. I don't want anything.
Hillary Kramer. Hillary Kramer.
Why does that name ring a bell?
It's been on your paycheck for the last 4 years.
Of course. You own my contract.
You're the lady from Beverly Hills.
In the flesh.
Percy, the lady from the checks.
How funny.
I thought you'd be much older.
55, 56, something like that.
Huh.
Well, it's awfully nice of you
To bring the money down in person.
Yeah. Well, I'm in this bind
Because my business manager--
You remember him, Walter Hines?
Very well.
Yeah. He left town with all my money,
Leaving me with nothing but your contract.
Guess he couldn't fit you in his suitcase.
Walter skipped?
No wonder our check is late.
Well, I guess there'll be no more money coming in.
I'm afraid not, Mr. Scanlon.
You see, um,
Since you've cost me over $60,000,
I thought maybe you could just, you know,
Do a little fighting for me
Till I get back on my feet again.
Oh, but that wasn't the deal.
What was the deal?
Very simple. You pay my living expenses,
My training expenses, plus a salary of $250 a week,
And I guarantee Walter that you lose money.
Oh, that was just fine
When I had money to lose,
But now that it's all gone,
I thought maybe you could stop losing it
And start making it.
So...When's our next fight?
I'm not a fighter.
You're not a fighter?
You told me you were a fighter back there,
When I first came in.
Uh, no. I was a fighter,
But I'm not a fighter anymore.
I mean, do I look like a fighter?
No.
I don't? Uh-uh.
Huh.
Well, I'm not.
What are you doing in a gym?
I'm hanging out. These are my friends.
They're fighters. I'm not.
I'm not even in shape.
You look like you're in shape.
Well, I'm in shape, but not in shape, ya know?
If wouldn't be a very good idea
For me to go into the ring right now.
I haven't had a fight in 4 years.
I'm not even a kid.
Now, you saw killer.
Now, that's the kind of Guy I'd be up against.
You think I want him to redecorate me?
I mean, my body could be badly damaged by this.
Miss Kramer,
Do you want my body on your head
For the rest of your life?
No. No, I didn't think so.
You seem like a nice girl.
Gee, I didn't even know the deal.
I--well... Good-bye, Mr. Washington.
Good-bye, ma'am.
And I'm sorry that I can't continue
To pay your bills anymore.
Oh, that's all right. It's not your fault.
Well, if things pick up, I'll, um...
Let you know.
Good. You got a pencil?
Oh, sure.
'cause I'll give you our address,
And if you should come across some extra cash
And feel in need of our services...
Listen, I didn't mean to interrupt your card game.
No problem.
Irish spring, huh?
What?
Oh, it's just the soap you use.
Good luck to you, sweetheart.
Good luck to you.
Come on, Hillary,
They're ready to sign the papers.
If our gross next year exceeds $27 million, I--
There she is.
Good morning. Oh, how lovely you look.
So nice to see you again.
Well, this is a great day for Hillary Kramer
And a great day for Sinthia Cosmetics.
Sit down.
Now, if you'll just sign right here,
This is the transfer of all title to your company
And an agreement not to work in the industry
For the next 2 years.
Maybe I can open up something
In disinfectants.
Nothing that smells.
Otherwise, no deal.
Just sign it, Hillary. It's the only way out.
It's not on the dotted line, but it's legal.
Stop that.
Hold it, please.
Radio: %% big girls don't cry %%
%% big girls %%
%% don't cry-ay-ay %%
%% they don't cry %%
%% big girls %%
%% don't cry %%
%% who said they don't cry? %%
%% my girl %%
%% said good-bye-ay-ay %%
[clang]
Hello?
Kid: We're up here!
Hello.
Hi. Oh.
Remember me?
Hillary Kramer?
From the gym?
No money?
Oh, yeah.
We're fixing the roof.
The thumb leaks a little.
If it's not one thing around here,
It's another.
Ah, so what brings you to Long Beach?
I came to talk to you about our contract.
You want a glass of water or something?
No, thank you. I want to talk business.
See I spoke to my lawyer--
You remember Percy.
Yes, hello. How are you?
And that there is Frank Toland, the carpenter.
Hello.
[hacking cough]
That there is Donna Rochester, my girl.
How do you do?
I'm in business with your, uh...
Him. If I can direct your attention, please,
To paragraph "B," of this contract--
What kind of business is she in with you, Eddie?
I don't know, Donna. Listen, why don't you
Go home and get ready for later?
Are you trying to get rid of me?
No. I just don't want you to, uh,
Get dirty, you know?
I'm already dirty.
Beat it.
All right. All right.
I'm going.
Business, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Does she always smell like a rose?
Yeah. Nice, huh?
Hmm.
So what brings you to Long Beach?
Come on, I'll get you a beer.
Uh, no, thanks.
My lawyer has informed me--
You didn't tell anybody you're my owner, did ya?
No.
Do me a favor and don't tell anybody, ok?
What's the matter,
You ashamed of being owned by a woman?
Yeah. Hey, can I get you some tea?
Want some tea?
Actually, that would be very nice, yeah.
We just ran out, but let me get Percy.
He'll get you some.
No, it's ok. I changed my mind.
I really don't want any.
If you will look at this contract closely,
You will see that you were supposed to fight--
Come in and sit down.
You were supposed to fight a minimum--
Please sit down.
Of 2 fights a year.
Sit down next to me.
For 4 years. And since you didn't fight,
That puts you in breach of contract.
Therefore, you owe me $57,300,
Plus 7% interest,
Which brings it to a grand total of $61,311.
I'll take a check.
I haven't got that money.
I put that money into the business.
But not--
Are you ok?
Yeah, fine.
You want me to get you a paper towel or something?
I'm fine. Sit down.
I don't understand, Mr., uh, Natural.
You own this place? I thought you told me
You spent all your time in a gym?
No. That's a very unhealthy atmosphere down there.
I can't spend all my time in a gym.
I had to branch out, think of my future.
And this is it.
Don't tell me you spent over $60,000 of my money
On this.
Didn't you see the glove when you drove up?
Almost immediately.
You think a driving school in the shape of a boxing glove
Is a stock item?
I don't know anymore what I think of--
Come here. I'd like to show you something.
Come on.
[boxing bell rings]
I had this custom built. The money has been spent.
Then if you took the money, you're gonna have to fight.
How many times I gotta tell you, lady?
I'm not a fighter anymore! I'm a businessman!
But I don't have a contract on a businessman!
I have a contract on a fighter!
And if you wanna get technical about it,
I own this glove place,
And if I want to, I could tear it down
And sell it for scrap leather!
Why are you taking this thing out on me?
It's not my fault you got a crook for a manager.
And a crook for a fighter.
Hi, kid.
Am I late for my lesson?
You can pay me.
I thought you said it was free
On account of last night.
Yeah. Get in.
And watch who you're calling a crook, ok?
What are you gonna do about it, hit me?
It'd be the first honest thing
You've done in years.
Let's go.
Not the brake! The gas! Come on!
[tires screech]
I'm not finished with you yet!
Eddie: You drive like you've got the hiccups!
Steer!
Use the accelerator!
Steer it! Not like that!
[horn honks]
[horn beeping]
I suppose you think you can just stay in business
Without me doing anything about it, huh?
Right!
What are you doing?
Driver: You said right.
Not you! Her!
I'm getting confused!
[beep beep]
You can't get away with this!
You're gonna have to start fighting!
Hey, I told you, lady!
There is no way I'm gonna fight!
And there's no way I'm gonna starve.
Well, I got 2 words for you,
And they are not "happy birthday."
Well, I got the same 2 words for you!
Watch your mouth!
[horn honks]
Aah!
Eddie: Jesus!
Are you all right?! Yeah!
Good! 'cause my lawyer will be in touch with your lawyer.
Well, that's all right with me
Because I ain't got a lawyer!
[thud] ooh!
[knock on door]
[door buzzer]
[knocking]
[buzz]
Who is it?
My husband wants to know.
He's in the next room, cleaning his bazooka.
Kid natural and Percy.
Come on, open the door, Hillary.
Oh, just a minute.
Who let you up here?
The doorman used to be a fighter.
He let us in.
Hmm. Well, he's finished around here.
Funny. That's what he said about you.
So, uh, would you like to come in?
Oh, thank you.
How about a drink of water or something?
Uh, Hillary, the kid comes here today
With a heavy heart.
How about a glass of alka-seltzer?
Uh, he didn't want to tell you,
But I thought you being his manager--
It's all right. Sit down.
You being his manager and all,
You had a right to know.
Oh, yeah? What is it? Tell me.
Well, he hasn't been totally honest with you.
No kidding.
You've got to tell her, kid.
Hey, Percy...
It was your last fight, kid.
It was the last time I fought.
Yeah?
Go on.
I killed a man.
Dead killed?
Oh, my God.
His name was Billy Templeton.
We were fighting this semi-windup in Fresno.
Going into the sixth round, Percy said,
"you're behind on points, boy.
Go knock him out."
So I went out there smokin'.
I hit him with rights, rights, lefts, rights, lefts, rights.
Everything I did worked.
I couldn't miss.
But he didn't fall.
He must've been tangled up in the ropes or something.
I don't know.
Finally, the referee jumped in
And pulled me off him,
And old Billy just slipped to the canvas
And lay there unconscious.
I--I was at his hospital room.
I stayed there for 5 days.
I was there when the doctor came and told his wife
Billy was gone.
At his funeral, I fell to my knees,
And I swore to his 5-year-old son,
I said, "I will never again use these--these...
Messengers of death!"
Oh, yeah, yeah. One more thing.
He was my best friend...
Also.
Hmm.
You almost had me, kid.
What?
I almost bought that.
What, the best-friend part a little too much?
You'll say anything to get out of this, won't you?
Yeah, I'll say anything.
What do you want me to say?
I'll say it. I don't want to fight.
Then give me my money back.
What are you trying to do to me?
You trying to ruin me?
I've been boxing my whole life,
I never had a sheriff come after me.
Not until you!
What is he talking about?
Knockout driving academy's been served
With a temporary restraining order.
We're closed.
Oh, that's a shame. Anything I can do?
Yeah, call off your goddamn lawyer
And tell your goddamn lawyer to call off the goddamn law!
Oh, how do you like that?
David laced up the glove, huh?
Well, I guess there's nothing left to do
But go back to fighting.
Hey, listen, I've heard
What some of those big time fighters make.
It can be very profitable,
And, who knows, maybe even fun!
Fun?! Yeah!
Fun? What is the matter with you?
Why are you so hot to have me beat up?
I am not hot to get you beat up!
I need you! You're all I have!
Oh, I'm looking around,
And it's a little hard for me to weep for you.
This is all gonna be auctioned
On the 18th, anyway. Yeah, look,
You gotta look at this as a positive thing.
We could be helping each other, you know?
We could be partners!
You know, you're crazy.
Never go into business with a woman, Percy!
Oh, really? Well, I think
I'm saving your ass.
Because if I were a man, I would have
Gotten a gun and shot you between the eyes.
That sounds good!
Yeah, not me.
I supported you, I paid for you,
And I'm gonna stick with you.
Anyway, I think you need me.
Oh, that's great! Now I need her!
Yeah, and I think
We should start right away.
Percy, get him a fight.
I can make it any night but Wednesday.
You're not exactly leaving us
With much room for negotiations.
See you in the ring!
[vacuum stops]
Can I ask you something?
Sure.
You live alone?
Yeah.
Figures.
"my best friend also"!
How could you do a line like that?
I don't know. It just slipped out.
But I had her going up till then.
You the dumbest white man I know.
Ok, here's what we're gonna do.
You'll get your license back.
We'll set up a fight with the Bakersfield Bleeder.
Oh, Percy.
It'll be an easy workout for you and the bleeder.
He'll bleed all over the place.
She's never been to a fight before.
She'll get sick and disgusted
With the whole thing.
And then she'll give you back your contract.
You see, a woman just can't take it like a man.
Oh, I knew this tax shelter business
Was too good to be true.
[retches]
Oh, what's the matter with him?
They switched fighters on us.
Oh?
You mean we're not fighting
Mr. Matheson from Bakersfield?
Nope. We're fighting Jackhammer Muldoon.
Aha.
Is that Jack Hammer or Jackhammer?
Percy: nobody's been able to talk to him
Long enough to find out.
Oh, don't worry about me.
It's good to throw up before the fight.
Helps the blood go to the parts
Of the body that need it most.
Aha.
I feel great.
Well, you gotta tell me exactly
What I do after the kid wins.
I mean, you know, like, do I just
Jump into the ring? Or...Uh,
Do I apologize to the loser?
Or maybe I just wave to the fans.
I'll be right back.
[retches] oh, dear.
When is he gonna stop feeling sick?
Percy: The minute he gets knocked out.
[Hillary retches]
Percy: Didn't I tell you, my man?
She ain't got the stomach for it!
Free again! Thank God almighty!
Free again!
That's a lot different than on television.
Oh, my God.
I hope this taught you a lesson, child.
Oh, it has. Get him in shape!
What?
You're a goddamn crazy woman!
It takes time and money
To get a fighter in shape.
The kid ain't got the time,
And you ain't got the money.
Well, I'm gonna raise the money.
It's gonna take me a couple of weeks,
But then we're gonna get better fights
With nicer people.
Oh, my God.
She's not giving up, Percy.
That's a problem.
Oh, my God.
[car horn blares]
[hacking cough]
You ought to do something about that.
I'm cutting down.
Well, what is that "fight that never was"?
It was the biggest amateur fight of the year.
4 years ago.
Pan-am games.
He was supposed to fight Hector Mantilla,
But it never came off.
How come?
They fought outside the dressing room instead.
They never got into the ring.
You sure this is business?
Yeah.
It's gonna be awful, you know,
Raising money for the kid's training.
It's just business.
'cause if it isn't,
I'm gonna get somebody
To come over and cut your tits off.
Now, look, just don't be nervous.
You know?
I mean, just do what everyone else does.
And if you have any trouble with the forks,
Just watch me.
Hey, if you're worried about how I'm gonna be
With your friends, I can go back to Long Beach.
You're talking to Kid Natural, sweetie.
You know, I've been around a little bit myself.
I got manners I haven't even used yet.
Ring the goddamn bell.
[rings bell]
Hi.
Where have you been?
Uh, it's a long way from Long Beach.
I mean, this is all for you, you know.
I know, David, I'm sorry.
David, this is Eddie "Kid Natural" Scanlon.
Oh, so you're her fighter?
So you're her husband?
Ex-husband.
Well, with a little luck,
I'll be her ex-fighter.
Anyway, it's great to meet you, champ.
Actually, I never had a shot at the title.
Well, he didn't want to, you know,
Because he killed his best friend in the ring.
He was on the cover of sports illustrated.
Um, he's had 14 straight knockouts.
If I had been knocked out one more time,
It would have made 15, and that's too many.
So I went into driving instruction instead.
He's a natural-born fighter,
He has the largest fists that I've ever seen.
My head's too big.
They could throw a punch anywhere in the ring,
And it would always hit my head.
Now, at my driving school,
The only possible thing that could affect my looks
Is if I were to go through the windshield.
There isn't a Mark on you.
You must do very well.
Sure, that's because I use my mind and my body.
How's that?
Well, I use my mind to give the lesson,
But I use my body to drum up business.
Hillary: Will you please do me a favor,
And just don't tell Donna
That you're my date, all right?
Why?
I have my reasons, ok?
2 good reasons.
Ok, I won't tell Donna.
I don't talk to Donna, anyway.
I'm getting itchy. Let's get out of here.
Why, what have you been doing all night?
Talking.
How come I see your business cards
All over the place?
Well, because I've been talking business.
Your business is to sell shares in yourself
As a boxer!
That's your business.
[tapping on glass]
Excuse me, everybody. Could I have your...
Undivided attention, please?
Now everyone be kind enough to take a seat
And make yourselves comfortable, all right?
Hillary, sweetheart?
Yeah, David...
I'm sorry.
So, first of all, I wanted to thank you all
For coming here tonight.
And I guess it's no secret
What this night is all about.
Although I'm gonna be working out of a gym
Instead of a perfume factory,
The kid has the same sweet smell of success.
[no one laughs]
So, we're here tonight to offer you
10 points of the kid's contract
For a mere...$300 a point.
Well, I'm certainly no fool.
I'm gonna take advantage
Of this wonderful opportunity.
I'll take one.
Thanks, David. You're very sweet.
Man: Yes, David, that is very sweet of you.
However, I'm sure I speak for the rest of us
When I say, Hillary, that you really shouldn't
Wash your financial laundry in public, so to speak.
Hmm?
Hey, pal, why don't you just shut up
And let the lady talk?
Mr. Scanlon, please,
I've known Hillary a lot longer than you.
Wait a minute, wait. It's ok.
Um, this is a terrific idea, folks, you know?
I mean, you could make a lot of money...
From a fighter, you know?
Well, is anyone else gonna grab this...
Wonderful opportunity?
Hillary, sweetheart, maybe we should just
Sort of wait a little while, all right?
You know? Ok.
Yeah, take a few minutes, think it over,
Have yourself another drink and some more cake.
There's plenty of dessert.
I'm really sorry, you know?
Everybody, just keep it in mind.
Want me to split his head open?
Oh, no, no. Don't do that.
I mean it's very sweet of you
To want to split his head open on my behalf,
But I believe in handling things
In a much more mature fashion.
So, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go to the ladies room
And cut off all my hair.
Uh, Mr. Scanlon,
I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
You embarrassed yourself, pal.
I always say what I feel.
I've always been intrigued by prizefighting.
I'm a karate man, myself.
Seventh degree black belt for 12 years.
No shit.
You must be fast.
Very fast.
Karate depends on speed, mental acuity,
And power--
Unlike the more... Brutish sport of boxing.
Maybe, but if you should
Run into a fighter on a dark night,
I wouldn't stake my life on it.
Well, you--
You're a fighter.
What do you think of this?
Hyah!
Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!
Hey, that's pretty good.
In Tokyo, where I studied,
We are considered
Samurai... Without swords.
Hmm.
This is a little something
That I picked up in Long Beach.
I got ya, Mr. Samurai.
Just sit here.
I only tapped your solar plexus.
The pain should go away in about 10 minutes.
My card. [gasping]
I'll bet you look really cute
In those little karate pajamas.
Hillary: Kid!
What are you doing out here?
You all right?
I'm sorry.
I guess I ruined things for you.
No, not at all.
Everybody hates Alan crane,
So we sold 8 out of 10 shares.
That's what I came to tell you.
Congratulations.
Yeah? Yeah.
No kidding?
Mm-hmm. It worked.
You've got nice hands.
Oh, thanks.
You know, there are 31 bones in the hand.
It's the most delicate part of our body.
Fighters are very careful to wrap their hands.
They weren't meant for hitting.
Hmm.
Your hand's big. It's as big as mine.
Yeah, I got big hands, yeah.
Nice extension, good muscle tone.
If you were a man, you could have been a fighter.
Feel those shoulders.
Big and beautiful.
What do you think you'd have been?
A bantamweight?
Oh, wait, wait!
A flyweight?
Ok, kid.
Would you mind putting me down?
Sure.
And now would you mind
Taking your hands off my ass?
Thanks.
I think we should go back to the party
And celebrate. Come on.
Hillary? What?
Is this a pass?
I thought you wanted to celebrate.
I said celebrate, not fornicate.
I love a woman who talks dirty.
Ah!
Look, let's just forget that ever happened.
Not me, I've got a memory like an elephant.
And about as much style!
Kid, you can't imagine how this feels.
Good, huh? No, terrible.
You're breaking my back. Please get off me.
Really? Yeah.
Ok, all right, thank you.
Now, you don't have to do that.
It's fine. Let's just go back in, ok?
Before you know it, you're gonna
Want to take me to a sleazy motel.
That sounds good.
I'm not the sleazy motel type.
What's wrong with right here?
I'm not the beach type, either.
I'm not crazy about sand.
Well, I'm not crazy about ants,
But I still go to picnics.
You're missing the point, kid.
You're just not my type.
I mean, uh...
You live in a glove, you know?
I wear them.
Uh, you-- you like women.
I like...Men.
Oh.
What's the matter with you?
I don't want to fool around with you, ok?
Can I be honest with you?
Sure.
You just don't turn me on.
I don't?
Uh-uh.
I'm glad we could be, you know,
Straightforward about it,
Right at the start.
Because you and me are business,
You understand?
You're not mad at me, are you?
Oh, good.
So long, boss.
Where you going?
Home.
Well, I'll go get the car.
Don't bother.
But you don't have a ride, kid.
I never had any trouble getting home from a party
In my life, cutie.
Percy!
Hi.
So, where's our kid?
He's in the locker room getting dressed,
But he'll be right out.
Great, great.
I brought some books I though might help.
I hope they're bibles.
So...
Hey, Percy?
Who's that Guy in the white suit?
Percy: That is the man, Leo Gough.
He's the biggest fight promoter
On the west coast.
Really?
Then I think we should have a little talk.
Hey, no, no!
Excuse me.
Excuse me, please.
Hello, Mr. Gough, I'm Hillary Kramer.
How do you do, Miss Kramer?
I owned Lanee Perfumes.
Oh, yes.
Well, I'm a fight manager now.
Really? Interesting career move.
Yeah, well, it's a long story.
Anyhow, I thought maybe you'd want
To use my fighter in one of your shows.
You've got a fighter?
Uh-huh.
What's his name?
Kid natural.
No, he can't fight.
Well, yes, he can.
He's got his license. And he's got a trainer,
He's got money to train with,
He's got new trunks, which I personally designed.
And he's got me, and I got my license,
And I got nice clothes--
He's got, he's got-- please, Miss Kramer,
He's got everything except the right hand.
He can't fight. Now, look,
I'm sorry, Miss Kramer.
It was nice to meet you.
Now, if you'll excuse me please.
We take your boy, maybe up to San Francisco...
Well, how did it go?
He showed definite signs of interest.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Must've been the walk.
You think so? Definitely.
Oh, time! Time!
Eddie!
Eddie, are you all right?
Gee, I'm sorry about last night.
I guess I went too far, huh?
Eddie, come on, talk to me.
I said I was sorry.
I know my mouth always gets me in--
[muffled yelps]
All right, break it up, lovers.
Well, I guess that's what happens
When you fall for a fighter.
Luis, you want to come over here, please?
Luis, this is Eddie. Eddie, Luis.
Luis'll spar a few rounds with you.
I want to see you work.
Think he can handle me?
What is he, a welterweight?
I don't want to do any damage.
Don't worry about Luis.
He can take care of himself.
You just get in there and work.
I want to take a look at you.
Yeah, we want to take a look at you.
Anything you say, boss.
You can beat him easy, kid.
He's so short.
Wait a minute, kid.
Let me fix your sock.
Percy: Time.
Ok, come on, kid!
Yeah, you can knock him out!
Come on!
Here it is, kid.
"the left hook is strictly a short, secondary punch,
But often most effective."
Use that on him, kid!
Go ahead.
Oh, listen to this, kid:
"if you kill the body, the head will follow."
I think that means you have to hit him low, kid.
Kid, you're not listening to what I tell you, though.
Oh, here's a good one:
"often a right lead is the only way to stop
An opponent from automatically circling to his left."
So, do that, I think.
"footwork." yeah, see, Percy said footwork.
Right, right!
I think that means kick 'em.
Kick 'em!
If you can, inch your way over here,
And I'll show you this-- it's a fantastic picture.
Look. See?
Will you stop hitting him so hard?
This is only a game!
Percy: Keep breathing, kid. Breathe!
Chin down, chin down!
Luis, Luis! Don't touch his face!
Huh, if you'd just listen to me, maybe you'd win!
Will you look at me when I talk to you, kid?
Ow! That must hurt!
Maybe we should stop and come back tomorrow?
Percy: All right, just relax.
It's just a workout. That's all right.
Can I call time, or what? Who has to call time?
Somebody call time.
Percy: Time.
Where'd you get this kid? He's terrific.
He's not terrific, he's an asthmatic.
He just took this job to pay for his violin lessons.
Hey, man, I'm sorry if I hurt you.
I'm not hurt! Who said I'm hurt?
Do I look hurt?
Will that be all, Mr. Percy?
Yeah, thanks, Luis.
You can go take a shower now.
That's ok, I'm not sweating.
Get out of here.
All right, all right.
If you need any more sparring partners
Let me know.
My kid sister's looking for a job.
Aw, don't pay any attention to him, kid.
He's just a little squirt.
Wiseass kid.
Did my book help?
Yeah, if I could have throwed it at him.
Hmm.
This whole thing is a big joke!
Come over here, kid. Come on, now,
What's really wrong, all right?
I mean, talk to me.
I'll talk to you! You want me to talk to you?
I'll tell you what it is!
It's a broad shouting instructions at me
From ringside, that's what it is!
I can't take it! It's too humiliating!
Well, ok, if that's how you feel about it,
I'll leave!
Excuse me.
Kid: Wait a minute.
Change your mind, huh?
Yeah, go out the back, it's shorter.
[door slams]
Uh...
There you go, down and under.
Percy.
What's the matter?
My finger's not supposed to be in there.
Is it?
Aw, Percy.
Let me see it again. I missed it.
Well, all you have to do is stretch, you know?
Stretch these muscles out.
Yeah.
Hey! What?
What you doing?
You sure all managers do this?
Absolutely.
Well then what do the trainers do?
They make sure the managers do it.
[Donna coughing]
Hello.
Hillary: Rise and shine. It's 5:30!
Yeah, I know it's 5:30. So what?
Well, you gotta run.
I already ran.
In the dark? That's right!
In the dark!
You know, there's such a thing
As overtraining, Hillary.
Not as far as--
Really?
Man: Still want me to set the tour?
Yeah, what time?
3:30 this afternoon.
Oh, great.
Driver: And now, sun coast tours
Makes an unscheduled stop
At Long Beach's newest attraction,
Kid natural's training camp.
And here, nestled in the ever-pumping machinery
Of the famous Long Beach oil fields,
Is the knockout driving academy.
[women shout for kid]
Driver: And the vivacious Hillary Kramer,
Who once packaged Lanee Perfume
In Beverly Hills,
Is now packaging a boxer in Long Beach.
How you doing, Hillary?
Good!
Hey, I thought I was getting my picture taken.
You are. With her.
Come on, kid.
Don't take this so seriously.
It's just press, promotion,
You know what I mean? It's all part of it.
Why don't you do something...
That looks like fighting but isn't.
Oh, kid's real good at that.
Put up your dukes.
Yeah, oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah, that's...
Want to go a couple of rounds?
Hmm?
Looking for a short nap?
Hey, this is fun.
Now I know why you like it.
Hey.
Come on, kid, huh? It's real fun.
Oh, wait, no.
Hey, I was just-- it just was a tap.
I hardly hit her.
Come on, Hillary, stop kidding around.
Wait a minute, Hillary, that's great!
Hold it!
She finally knows her place--
On her back with her mouth shut.
Oh, kid?
He's not the only one in shape.
Take a picture of this, Irv.
This is "kid nauseous."
Aah!
You're done.
[bell clangs 3 times]
[clang clang clang]
Ladies...
And gentlemen...
The next event...
8 rounds of boxing.
And in the white corner
From Lodi, California,
Weighing in at 217 1/2 pounds...
Guy "the cannibal" Laroche.
[booing and cheering]
I've heard of fighting out of your class,
But never out of your species.
And from Long Beach, California...
Wearing green trunks with white stripes...
Weighing in at 177 pounds...
175!
That fighting driving instructor...
Eddie...
"Kid Natural"...
Scanlon!
[booing and cheering]
Hi.
Both you men know the rules and regulations
Of the California state boxing commission.
I want a good, clean fight.
In case of a knockdown, the man standing
Goes to the farthest neutral corner.
Wait a minute. Can I just ask you a question?
What--what exactly is a neutral corner?
It's a corner, lady, that I point to.
Oh. Then it's not exactly neutral.
I tell the fighters
What is neutral and what is not neutral.
Now, I don't like discussions in the ring.
Yeah, but--
He doesn't like
Discussions in the ring.
Ok. Ok. Just one more thing. Ok?
Go ahead.
Uh, Mr. Cannibal here is wearing, um...
Mentholated balm.
Says who?
Says this.
Don't make him mad.
Well... He can't wear that stuff
Because it gets in my fighter's eyes. Right?
This ain't vaseline.
How should I know?
I been away for 10 years.
Take him out and get him cleaned up.
Every bit of it.
Yeah. Clean him up. Clean him up.
Very good. Thank you very much.
Can't you keep your mouth shut?
She did a good thing for you out there, kid.
Yeah. I'm not all bad.
Your nose is good.
Would the corner man leave the ring?
Corner person.
Corner person, kindly leave the ring.
Get out of here!
All right!
Catch you later.
Wait. Percy. Where's my-- where's my mouthpiece?
I got the mouthpiece. Just a minute.
Oh, yeah. Ok. All right.
Just a minute.
Here. Here.
[buzzer]
No. That's upside down. Oh.
[round bell rings]
Do a good job. I'm here if you need me.
David!
Yoo-hoo!
David!
This is my outfit!
Huh? Good for the ring, huh?
Hit him with a jab!
Yeah! Jab him with a jab!
Get outta my face!
Look what he did! Is that allowed?
Get up! Is that legal?
Get outta the corner! Get back!
Get outta the corner!
Inside! Inside! Inside!
Yeah, inside!
Percy: Fight!
Hillary: Run! Run!
Hillary: Yeah, hold onto him! That's good!
Hold onto him!
[crowd boos]
Hillary: Ya big one!
Hey, David!
She's Donna Rochester.
The girl.
Pleased to meet you, Dave.
Yeah, well, it's, uh, it's, uh, David.
You know, like in, uh, camp David.
You're kidding! That's you?
Yeah!
Hillary: Pick on somebody your own size!
Percy: Don't be afraid of him.
Hillary: I was kiddin'.
David!
Hillary, get ready. The end of the round's comin' up.
Oh, yeah. Got it. Watch this.
Percy, where's the balm?
The balm!
[round bell rings]
Ok.
Hillary, I can't sit down.
Why? You hurt that bad?
No. I don't have a stool.
Oh. Oh. I'm sorry. I'll be right back.
Wait here. I'll be right back.
I know it's tough. Just settle down.
Relax.
In close.
You're doin' fine.
He's a big guy. Just stay in close.
Ok. Here's your stool.
Well, put it down!
Ok, ok! I forgot one thing! Big deal!
One goddamn thing you're supposed to remember,
And that's to have the stool here at the end of each round.
Ok, ok! Here, would you care for some water?
Eddie: Yeah.
Let me get you...
Mmm!
Oh.
Mmm!
Ok!
Hey, that vaseline looks too gloppy--
Ow!
What's the matter?
It's your fingernails!
Oh. Uh, you got a band-aid?
I don't need a band-aid!
Not for you, for me. I broke my nail.
Let me get back to the fight, where it's safe.
Hey, listen, kid. Can I give you some advice?
What? [buzzer]
Well. This is very important. Ok?
Don't get hit so much.
Try to remember to hit him
More than he hits you.
That's your secret strategy for winnin' this fight?
Yeah.
Oh, Percy... [gong]
Keep your mind on the fight inside the ring.
Now, remember, kid. Remember, kid...
Hit... And don't get hit.
Hillary, I'm late for this round.
Corner person's out.
This is a warning.
You hear that?
Fine.
[clang]
Man: Come on out!
Percy: Attaboy, kid. Counterpunch.
Hillary: I think he's gonna be ok now.
Hillary: Go get him, kid.
Percy: Come on, kid.
[booing]
You stink!
God, they're so rude. You know?
Yeah!
Percy: Stay in there! Good!
Stay in there!
Aah!
Hillary, get ready. End of the round's comin' up.
Got it.
Hillary! Get outta there! You can't get in there!
No, no. I'm not gonna be late this time.
You saw how angry he got when I forgot the stool.
Hey, kid!
Kid! Kid!
Stool's here, whenever you're ready.
Disqualified!
[booing]
Boo! Boo!
Are you crazy?!
What? Wait. That was-- that was a wonderful round.
Why is everybody in the ring?
Because... The fight's over!
Over?! You mean you don't need the stool?
Yeah! I need the stool-- to hit you over the head with!
[bell clangs]
And the winner by disqualification...
Guy "the cannibal" Laroche!
No! No! I made a mistake!
Please! Let's do it over without--
Please get out of the ring.
Will you please take your stool,
Your faggoty towels,
And the rest of your crap,
And get...The hell... Outta here!
I was just tryin' to do my job!
Your job is to keep your big mouth shut--ow!
And do what I tell you to do!
Oh, yeah? Is that so? Who do you think you are,
King of the jungle or something?
You think everybody's afraid of you?
What, and you think because you're a girl,
You're not gonna get a pop in the mouth?
Oh, that'd make you feel like a man,
To punch me in the mouth, huh?
Oh, come on, Hillary, give me a break!
Go back to your old man. He's used to it.
Give me that. Now, get outta here.
Come on. I know what your trouble is.
I know what your trouble is. You hate women!
No, I don't!
I hate...You!
Oh...Wait...
[crowd laughs]
Hillary: Now look what you've done! You knocked him down!
What are ya gonna do, the same thing to me?
You big bully!
Give me a little poke, then.
Go ahead. Right here. Go ahead.
Show 'em what a big, tough guy you are. Go ahead.
You know somethin'? I oughta. I oughta.
Well, what's the matter? What's the matter?
You scared? You scared? Chicken?
Huh? Huh?
No! Because I quit! I ain't throwin'
Any more punches for ya, and I ain't throwin'
Any punches at ya. Go ahead and sue me!
Do what you want! Take my business!
Take everything I own! I don't care!
Because I'm...Through!
Oh, yeah? You think you're through now?
You were through when I met ya!
And you're a bum! You're a crook!
And a lousy driver!
[softly] thank you.
And, uh...
Good night.
[applause] yeah.
[whistling] yeah.
[ring]
Hello.
[Donna hacks and coughs]
You almost ready?
I don't like what you're wearing.
What do you mean? You bought it for me.
I'm not talkin' about your outfit.
I'm talkin' about your perfume.
You smell like a rosebush.
Half the time, I don't know
Whether to kiss you or water you.
I'm glad you changed your mind and came in, kid.
Ha ha! Nice picture. You look good.
Thanks, Mr. Gough. I got the left hand workin'
Just the way I want it, and--
No, not you, Sonny.
Her.
Well, then why don't you get her a fight?
I want to get both of you a fight.
But an attraction like the two of you
Has to be mounted correctly.
Just get them a fight
With somebody else besides each other.
Mr. Gough, are you familiar with this?
Mmm? Huh. Sure, I'm familiar with it.
That's, uh, old news.
Right, but I think I can show you a way
To turn the question Mark into a dollar sign.
Good. Show me.
Don't you think a lot of people wondered
Who would've won that fight, and more important,
Who would win it now, 4 years later?
Especially since Hector Mantilla became
One of the best light-heavys in the world,
While Kid Natural became a poor schlubby driving instructor
In Long Beach, living in a glove.
A glove?
Yeah. Well, it's a long story. I'll tell you later.
Anyhow, I think we should get these 2 gladiators
Back into the ring so that the fight that never was
Will be again! What do you think?
I think you'd better get back to that part
About the, uh, dollar sign?
Yeah, well, I think we can make
A lot of money off this fight, Leo.
I mean, everybody's lookin' for the great White Hope,
Right? Well, the kid's not so great, and there's
Not much hope, but...Look what's left.
Blond, blue-eyed, I mean, good teeth.
Eh, semi-attractive.
I think we can broaden our audience.
I think we can bring more women into the fights.
They'll all come, maybe even with their husbands.
We'll shorten his shorts. I'll show more leg.
Listen, I'm good at this. You gotta give me a chance.
In the perfume business,
I was an expert at making something out of nothing.
Mr. Gough.
May I speak to my "manager" for a minute, please?
Be my guest, if you think you can get a word in.
So. You like it, Leo?
I think it has possibilities...
Hillary.
You two are...You're very cute together.
Hillary.
What?! What?!
Can I see you for a second?
What?! What?! What is it?
Get over here, Red.
So, talk. I'm a little busy talkin' to Mr. Gough.
Wait. Wait. Ok, ok, ok!
Gee, you don't have to be so violent.
Bully.
I don't know when...
And I don't know where...
But I'm going to get you.
Is that a threat?
What do you think I am-- a piece of meat?
One of your perfumes?
You treat me like an object!
What do you think I am, a girl?
Shh. No. I'm a person.
I have feelings! I'm a man!
I know. Didn't you hear me call you a gladiator?
Hey, kid, don't be so negative about yourself.
I'm not negative about me. Just you.
You think I want to be tied to you the rest of my life?
Uh-uh. We're gonna make our money, and then you and me
Is up and out.
What?
Up and over.
You mean over and out.
Yeah, yeah. That one.
Kid: Percy.
Perce, what do you think?
Well, you've always wanted another shot at Mantilla.
This could be it.
And some cash to get the glove goin' again.
All right.
All right, I'll do it.
On one condition--
That I never have to see you again.
Aw, that's a deal.
Everything under control?
All right, I'll do it.
Me, too. Good.
Now, the first thing we gotta do
Is get the kid a quality fight.
He's gotta beat somebody with a reputation.
It'll give him some credibility, you know,
And to, uh, improve the gate. Hmm?
Excuse me, Mr. Gough. Who do you have in mind?
You think you could take, uh, Ruben Gomez?
I thought we were gonna go for that big one.
You know, Hector Mantilla.
We are, but first I want to get him this fight with Gomez.
When he wins that...
Then we can talk about the fight that never was.
You mean I did a whole spiel for nothing?
Only if the kid loses.
Stick it to him, kid! Stick it to him!
With a jab! With a jab!
Hit him, Eddie!
Damn it! Hit him!
Ok, double up! Double up! Be first! Be first!
Hillary!
What?!
I want to talk to you.
I'm a little busy, you know?
He's the one that's busy. You're only busy between the rounds.
No. He needs me to give him technical advice.
Watch your nose! Watch your nose!
David: Hillary!
Don't let him hit you in the face!
Hillary, I'm lookin' at somethin' good for you.
Oh, God, David, my boy's gettin' killed over here,
And you're talkin' business with me.
Hillary: Come on! Come on!
Counterpunch, kid, counterpunch!
Percy: Counterpunch! Counterpunch!
Get outta the clinch. Outta the clinch!
Come on! Let go!
[gong]
Give it to me.
Have you noticed, kid, that every time you come back
To the corner, you have somethin' to sit on?
Hillary, I'm getting my ass handed to me in there.
No jokes.
Ok. You want some advice?
No.
Always finish with your left.
You think I don't know that?
Then why don't you do it more often, dummy?
You're behind in points.
You gotta score more with your jab.
Don't let him counterpunch you as much. Tie him up.
And finish with your left.
Ok.
Would you care for some water?
No.
You've been hit hard, huh, kid?
Yeah. It's a nightmare. I can see 3 of you.
I'm the one in the middle.
Well, take your friends and get out of here.
You know something? That's your problem.
Your attitude stinks.
That's why you're losing this goddamn fight.
Stick your head in a bucket. Mouthpiece.
First I have to empty it out.
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Aaahhh!
[gong]
Oh, my God!
[gong clanging]
What's taking you so long in there?
You still drying off your pecker?
If you ask me, your manager's gettin' into your pants
More than I am.
Who asked you?
Uh, kid, nobody saw.
Donna: Are you kiddin'?
My whole row cracked up.
You looked like a Guy
Takin' a leak in the north pole.
Ha ha ha!
[hacking cough]
You were really sharp tonight, kid.
Thanks, Perce.
What about me?
I don't get a little thank-you?
I helped a little.
Hey! Sensational out there tonight, huh?
Just sensational.
Oh, thanks, Leo!
Thanks, Mr. Gough. I felt real strong.
I felt like I could take anybody tonight.
No, no, no, no, no. I'm talkin' about
The ice down the front of the trunks bit. Huh?
You liked it?
Your idea, Hillary? Yes.
Sensational. Well, keep it in, huh?
We'll use it again when we fight Mantilla.
Really? The fight that never was?
Already set up the date.
Lake Tahoe, November 14th.
Well, all right! Ohhh...
Yeah. I'm gonna set up a training camp
Up there for you, kid.
I already picked out the spot.
Oh, camp! I love camp.
You're not going.
I'm not?
Don't managers usually go?
She's going. It'll be a good thing
For you up there, kid. Believe me.
She'll keep you mean.
[cackles]
Thanks, Leo!
Anytime.
Oh, this is exciting.
I mean, campfires and stuff like that.
Wait a minute.
Excuse me. What about me?
I mean, if she's going, I'm going.
I--I can't believe this.
You know, I've had it about up to here
With all of this female crap.
You, I am sick of workin' for,
And you, I am just sick of, period.
[imitating cough]
Now, both of you can take a flyin' jump in the lake.
Please. Let's go, Percy.
That suits me fine!
If I never see you again, it'll be too soon for me!
%% sha na na na, sha na na na na na %%
%% yip yip yip yip yip yip, boom boom boom boom boom %%
%% get a job %%
%% sha na na na %%
%% sha na na na na na %%
%% yip yip yip yip yip yip %%
Man: Try it, Hillary!
Hillary: %% yip yip yip yip yip yip yip %%
[whooping and laughter]
Hillary: Oh, smell that air!
It's pretty.
Oh, my goodness.
I haven't seen this much white
Since the klan rally in '68.
I got dibs on the cabin by the sea!
Whoop!
Hillary. The kid gets the cabin.
Why?
Hillary, I'll tell you.
Because this isn't a kids' camp.
This is the kid's camp.
Well, where do I sleep, then?
With Percy.
Uh, he means in the barracks with me and the others.
It'll be ok.
I hope.
Can't wait.
Always wished I had a lot of brothers.
It's ok. I don't need any help.
I'm...I'm really fine. I'm tough and strong, you know?
Yeah, I'm...I'm really in very good shape, myself.
I'm very strong.
I work out in a ladies' gym...
3 times a week.
Comin' through, guys. Comin' through.
Don't expect somebody to serve you,
Or you're liable to starve to death.
If you see something you like, grab it.
That's what you got hands for.
The important thing is that you fit in.
In other words... Forget you're a girl.
Ok, ok. It's forgotten.
Now, open the friggin' door.
[guys laughing]
Men chanting: Food!
All right!
Hey!
Yeah. Pass that corn over here.
Pass that corn.
Right.
Man, this dame walked up to me
In the parking lot last night.
Man, she had the most beautiful set of--
Radial tires...
That I've seen in a long time.
All right!
And we drove all night.
All right! All right!
Anybody, uh, seen Jose?
Hey, I saw Jose yesterday.
Ooh, shit.
Did he get messed up Thursday.
I never saw such bad eyes
Since they slit Carmen Desotio's lids
With a razor blade. You know?
I think that's the worst thing that can happen,
To get head-butted on scar tissue.
I was in Syracuse, and I saw a Guy
Get butted in the head. I swear to God,
I thought I could see inside into his brains.
There was stuff pourin' out of him,
And it was not blood. You know?
It was thick, and it was cartilage.
I swear it looked like red cottage cheese to me.
Oh, will you pass me the ketchup?
It was awful. You know, they had to discontinue the fight
To clean up the canvas so these guys could continue--
Hey, who was the fighter who came staggerin'
Back to his corner,
And part of his lip was hangin' off,
And his manager didn't know what to do?
He just took out the scissors and went bing,
And flung it to the crowd.
I think that was Moore.
That's him. You got it.
Yeah. I remember that.
I have a terrible story to tell you, too.
Um...One time I was licking this envelope, you know?
And, um...
I got a cut...
Right on my tongue.
Right about there.
You know, like a paper cut?
Very painful.
Did you ever have a paper cut on your tongue?
It's very, very painful.
It's really the worst. Really.
Pass the bread, please.
But I--I'll spare you the details,
'cause it's a real long story,
And, um, it'd really make you sick
To your stomach if you heard it.
Listen, after dinner, we should, uh,
We should do a little somethin'. Maybe go to town.
I hear there's a beaver hunt in town.
Oh, I went beaver hunting once.
What? No.
I don't...
Fox hunting?
Yeah. Fox hunting.
[men's muffled laughter]
[kid sighs]
Oh, I'm tired.
I got a big day tomorrow.
Can't wait to get myself a good night's sleep.
Yeah. Me, too.
Yeah. Well...
Uh, did you know...
That bears...
Always turn about 90 degrees,
And then go about 100 yards downwind
Before they go to sleep?
You see, that way...
They can always smell someone coming,
You know, if they're being tracked.
See, bears have very good noses.
Can I go now?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure.
I just--just thought you might wanna know that.
Uh, speaking of bears,
You better go inside. This is grizzly country.
Don't want anything big and hairy to get you.
Hey! Wait.
Uh...
How about a card game in the mess hall, uh...
Poker, gin? Play you for money.
No, thanks, Hillary.
Sweet dreams.
Yeah.
Good night, kid!
Good night.
[owl hoots]
Knock, knock, knock.
[laughter]
I'm coming in, ready or not.
[hooting]
Went back about 3 laps around the lake.
All right. Got the game on the run.
[trash-talking]
Percy: All right. Watch your mouth.
[talking stops]
Hi.
Excuse me.
What's happenin'?
Yeah.
Hi. Hi.
Listen, that, uh...
Just pretend I'm not here.
That's what I'm gonna do.
Actually, I was reading in this book...
Thank you.
Tips in the woods...
That, um...
Oh, that's nice.
And it said that...
If you're camping out in a wooden structure
With lots of men-- people--
With lots of people, I mean.
Uh, it said that...
You better not take off your clothes
Because, uh...
In case there's a fire.
All right, gents. Show's over.
[grumbling]
Come on. Let's go.
Hey, man, she's not tired.
No. No. No. It is time to go to bed.
This is brutal, Percy.
It's all right. It's gonna be all right.
This is brutal, Percy.
Ok. We got an early day tomorrow.
What's wrong with you?
All right.
Cut us some slack, huh?
[snores]
[men all snoring]
Percy.
What?
Where's the bathroom?
Out-outside.
Outside, where?
Outside, anywhere.
Oh.
[sighs]
[yawns]
What's the matter?
This fresh air making you tired?
Oh. I think it's the altitude, you know?
This snow. I don't think it's too good for me.
Oh. It's great for you.
Builds your lung capacity.
Helps the blood
Handle the new oxygen it's getting.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Did you sleep well last night?
Oh. I slept great.
I love this country.
It's so peaceful and so quiet.
Hmm.
You're not having any trouble down at the dorm, are you?
Me and the boys? Nah.
Great bunch of guys.
I'm really getting to know them, too.
That's nice.
One by one.
[yawns]
Luis: [sniffs] man, I can smell that perfume
All the way down here.
Oh, man. I can't take it.
Man, I can't stand it--
Get this guy, man!
I got him!
Luis: Come on. Come on, fellas.
Come on, man. Just a little bit.
Get me the door!
Oh. No. No. No.
Get him outside, man!
Hey, let me in!
Come on back in.
Hey, red.
Aah!
Wake up. Come on. It's time to go and run.
Oh, no. I don't-- I don't wanna run today.
You run without me.
Well, how do you know I'll do it?
I trust you. I trust you.
Ok.
[groans]
I don't trust you.
I'll get up.
Good.
[loud rock music playing]
Percy: Work him. Work him.
Percy: Stick him and move out.
Keep your right up.
[yawns]
Watch the footwork, the footwork.
Come on, Jose. Work him.
Hi, guys.
Enjoying the country?
[all greet at once]
Reporter: Can we ask you some questions?
I understand that you're sleeping in a cabin
Up here with 8 guys.
Me? No. 13.
[reporters laugh]
Hillary, the kid's coming up
Against his first really tough fighter.
How do you feel about that?
Well, personally I think that the kid,
Who by the way is gonna wear
These great gray satin shorts.
I mean, have you ever seen gray satin on a fighter?
Very chic with little yellow piping, you know?
I feel that he has nothing to worry about.
As a matter of fact,
He's gonna weigh in at 175 on the button.
And as for me, in case you're interested,
I weigh 117 for the record.
Size 8. Put that down just in case.
Lookit, the kid.
Why don't you ask him some questions?
Come on, guys.
Hey, kid. What's it like
Working for a lady?
You really wanna know?
I'm getting kind of used to it.
Hey, don't you think this is a little crazy?
I mean, uh, fishing in the snow.
Kid: Don't you like frozen fish?
Yeah, but come on, kid. Let's go back.
I feel lucky tonight.
I got a shot at some mashed potatoes.
I can feel it.
You don't have to go back.
I have your dinner right here on the hook.
Well, how do you like that?
Somebody actually fell for your line.
Go light a fire.
Ok. Where are the instructions?
I thought you went to camp.
Yeah, I did, but it was a very exclusive camp,
You know? We never went outside.
Yeah? Yeah.
Well, when you go camping out with me,
Everybody is the same.
I figure that's the way it was in the beginning.
A man and a woman...
And a fire.
And a dead fish that has to be cleaned.
I'll do it.
You'd clean a fish for me?
Sure.
Oh. That's great because a lot of men would think
That cleaning a fish is woman's work.
Well, what the hell?
Nobody's watching.
[laughs]
Let me take everybody back
To the Dominican republic 4 years ago.
The finals at the pan am games.
These two were scheduled to fight,
But then this incident developed.
The entourage led by Percy Washington.
When they get outside Hector's locker room.
Ladies first.
What did he say?
There's an exchange of words. Hector jumps out.
They're both being restrained,
And then the kid throws the punch
That hits the wall!
And that's the one that ended it all,
And it still hurts.
Hillary, you are responsible for the kid's comeback.
How is the hand?
Ask me anything, Bert.
Brent. Brent.
I know you've been asked this
A million times, Hector, but what triggered
That incident down at the Dominican republic
4 years ago?
[Jamaican accent] me? I don't know, man.
I wanted to fight in the ring,
But he started it in the Hollway,
Just like a gangster.
What's a "Hollway"?
Hollway.
Hallway. Hallway!
Yeah. Hollway.
I didn't start the fight. You did.
All right. Perhaps it's not that important now.
All I did was call him pretty.
He's such a pretty boy.
Better watch who you're calling pretty.
Uh, Hector, if you ask me,
I think you're much prettier than he is.
I mean, this is what you call pretty?
Look at this. He's got bags under his eyes.
His nose, I don't know, just sort of stops,
You know, goes nowhere.
Uh, there's nothing much to it, I mean.
And his mouth is sort of-- look at this.
Look how this lip sort of goes down.
I think they get the point.
Hey, man.
Did you know that right after that incident,
Kid natural had to give up fighting
And open up a driving school? [snickering]
Well, I'm gonna give you
A couple lessons tomorrow night, Hector.
Hey, that's a good one, man.
But I will be driving the ambulance
That's coming to get you.
My fighter is not gonna be in any "ambu-lance,"
You know? As a matter of fact, we're gonna win.
And I'm so sure of it,
That I think we should make this fight winner-take-all.
What?
Hillary: Yeah.
No. No. She doesn't mean that.
Oh, I like that.
It's a deal.
Ok. You got it.
Winner-take-all.
There you are.
You've heard it here first.
Tomorrow night, Kid Natural against Hector Mantilla.
The fight that never was,
And it'll be winner-take-all.
Big joke.
Whoa, boy. Winner-take-all, huh?
Hillary: See you tomorrow night over these same--
Brent: This is my show. This is my closing.
You better get you some sleep.
Kid on TV: You got off easily, Bert.
Hillary: Brent. Kid: Brent.
Brent: So, tomorrow night, 9:00 along the east coast...
Good night, Percy.
Ok. See you in the morning,
Pretty boy. Pretty boy.
Oh, what about...
That's all right. Let her sleep awhile.
Hillary: ...The good night. It says good night.
Ok.
Brent: Good night.
Percy: Early day.
Good night.
[TV show's closing theme music plays]
Hillary: Sorry. Just trying to be helpful.
Hector: Winner-take-all. [click]
[yawns]
[groans]
[murmuring]
Huh.
You're sitting in a chair.
Yeah.
How come?
Because somebody's sleeping in my bed.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I guess I, uh...
Dozed off.
I'm going. You need your sleep, kid.
So do you.
It's your bed.
You mind moving over?
No.
[sighs]
Well, good night.
[sighs]
Good night.
[grunts]
I guess it's hard being in bed with me...
And not touch me.
So if you want me to go,
Just let me know.
No problem.
Go to sleep.
I mean if I'm--
I don't wanna drive you crazy or anything,
You know?
You're not driving me crazy.
Why don't I just go sit in a chair, ok?
No. I don't want you sitting in the chair,
Watching me sleep.
I let you watch me sleep.
Well, then I owe you one.
Ok.
Ok. Good night.
[yawns]
Oh.
Um...
Don't get up or anything, I'm--
I just-- what?
I just wanna get a little sip of water.
This is not a pass, you know.
This is just thirst.
Could've fooled me.
Mm-mm.
Good night.
[sighs]
I'm not turning you on or anything, am I?
Not at all.
Then what's that?
My foot.
Oh.
[sighs]
Because, you know, if I'm arousing you...
I understand completely, kid.
Great.
This is the night before the fight, though.
You know? And you're not supposed to have sex
The night before a fight.
I'm not having sex.
Yeah. I know that. But you're not supposed
To have sex for weeks before a fight.
I'm not having sex.
So, um...
You probably haven't had sex, um...
For a long time.
How long?
Long enough.
What is that supposed to mean?
You're not thinking
Of trying anything funny, are ya?
Oh, no.
I learned my lesson well, boss.
Yes, you have.
You've, uh, you've been very good about
This whole business-type relationship.
Thank you.
You've, um...
Kept your hands to yourself.
You've trained hard
And fought hard and...
Done everything an owner could ask.
Well, I'm a good worker. I obey orders.
Kiss me.
Is that an order?
Yes.
You know, um...
Sex has ruined, um,
More, uh, fighters
Than booze.
I--I hear it can be rough on the owners, too.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
You see, what happens is, uh,
It gets 'em...
Right...
In the legs.
Oh.
The legs.
Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
There's your foot again.
Ignore it.
Oh. Wait a minute.
Huh?
What about the evils of sex before a fight?
You don't believe all that crap, do you?
Just think, my whole career's in bed with them,
Going up and down,
And up and down,
And up and down.
Hi.
Hello.
Remember me,
Hillary Kramer,
From the bed,
Last night?
Oh, yeah.
How you feel?
I feel great,
Like a champ.
Hope I didn't do any damage.
Nah.
I'm not gonna have any problem with this guy.
And I've been thinking.
Yeah? What?
Well, if I win, we should take all the money,
And we should open up our own business.
Something like a car wash or a diner.
Something that you can be a big part of, too.
Really?
I was kind of counting on going back
Into the perfume business someday.
Nah. That's not for me.
I know. It's for me.
Well, how can you do it if I don't want to do it?
Well, I could do it with the money you owe me.
Wait a minute. We're together now.
Why should I still owe you money?
'cause that was the deal.
But we made love last night, didn't we?
And that cost me $47,311?
Kid, I had no idea you had the meter running.
Let me explain something to you.
I'm the man.
I'll handle the money from now on, all right?
But I don't need you to handle the money.
Before I met you,
I was a very successful businesswoman.
Well, you're crazy if you think I'm gonna go around
With somebody who makes more money than I do.
But that's ridiculous, kid.
I mean, who thinks that way anymore?
Everybody on my block.
I mean, that's just the way it is
Between husbands and wives.
What are you talking about?
A wedding. Whose?
Yours.
What, are you asking me to get married?
Yes.
Why, you pregnant?
Aw, cut it out, Hillary. No jokes.
2 people like each other, they should get married.
Now, how do you feel about that?
I don't know, kid. You're rushing me.
What's the matter? Aren't I good enough for ya?
Yeah. Sure.
Oh. You make me feel cheap.
Cheap? Believe me, kid. You are not cheap.
I--I feel like a pretty face to you,
Like--like a one night stand.
No. Kid, I respect you. Hey.
No. I feel used, like you took advantage of me.
Why? Just 'cause I won't marry you the morning after?
You don't even tell me how you feel.
Well, that's 'cause I don't know exactly,
But as soon as I find out, I'll let you know.
What are you gonna do, wave a white flag?
I ain't waiting for any white flags, understand?
I'm gonna win that money back for you tonight,
And then you'll never have to see me again.
What's better, I never have to see you again.
That's good. I'm glad we had this discussion because
I found out a few things about you this morning.
I found out a few things about you last night.
Like what? You snore.
Oh, yeah? I snore, huh?
If you wanna get picky about it, kid, you drool.
Sleeping with you is like sleeping with a St. Bernard.
I'm glad we found out this stuff now instead of later.
Yeah, me, too, 'cause God forbid we should go through
Another night like last night, snoring and drooling.
Please. You're scaring me.
Yeah. Well, I don't wanna scare you, kid.
I wanna inspire you.
You know how much better you fight when you're mad.
Now you might win!
With you around, how can I lose?
[crowd cheers]
[bell rings]
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
This is the main event of the evening.
10 rounds of boxing,
Under the banner of Leo Gough enterprises
And sanctioned by
The state athletic commission.
And here we go!
[bell rings]
[crowd cheers]
Woman: Knock 'em dead, kid!
Woman: Give it all you got!
Percy: Now you got him, kid! You got him!
That's it! Stay in there close!
Counterpunch!
Get him! You got him!
Jab! Jab! Jab!
Yeah, jab. Yay.
Percy: Come on! Jab! Jab! Jab!
All right! This is gonna be a knockout,
I'm telling you right now.
[bell rings]
Ok, kid. You're doing great.
Just keep it up. Keep it up,
And we're back in the driving business again.
Don't get fancy out there. No fancy footwork.
Just get out there and finish him up fast.
Oh!
What are you doing?
You're winning.
Well, what do you want me to do, lose?
Lose? Why would you wanna lose?
No. If you lost,
We'd be stuck together for God knows how long.
You wouldn't want that, would you?
[buzzer rings]
No. Would you?
Who me? Why would I want that?
Good. Because I'm gonna go out there
And get him this round.
You don't even have to wait. I'll mail you your check.
Good-bye, cutie.
Well, kid. [bell rings]
Go get him, kid.
All right! You got him! You got him!
Kid, excellent! You're doin' it!
Percy: All right. Get him with the right hand!
The right hand. It's all over!
It's all over?
Yeah. What's the matter with you?
This ain't working out right, Percy.
I thought you wanted your money back.
But if he wins, I'll lose him.
You should've let him know.
Oh. I got to tell him at the end of this round.
There ain't gonna be another round.
I'll tell him at the end of the fight.
If he wins, he's not gonna stick around.
But I got to tell him!
I got to tell him now!
Oh! It's too late.
Maybe you better send him a letter.
But I got to tell him fast!
Send it air mail!
What the hell are you doing?
Your corner threw the towel in,
Unless there's some mistake.
Uh-uh.
No mistake.
I said a letter, not a towel.
I'm gonna kill her! I'll kill her!
I didn't have a letter.
You threw in the towel.
Yeah. I know, but you had a bloody nose.
So what? That happens all the time.
Yeah, but you know how I feel about the nose.
You know it's my favorite part of the body.
You know what this means, don't ya?
Yeah. You still owe me $47,311,
And I'm crazy about you.
What?
You still owe me--
No. No. The other part.
You heard me.
Hey, wait a minute.
How you gonna pay me back?
I guess we'll just have to keep fighting.
Don't worry. We will.
Barbra Streisand: %% extra %%
%% I'm in love %%
%% I gotta thank %%
%% my lucky stars %%
%% above %%
%% hurry %%
%% don't be late %%
%% I can't wait %%
%% I gotta celebrate %%
%% it's a fact %%
%% we got a first-rate act %%
%% it's evident %%
%% when we make love %%
%% the main event! %%
.
%% you're my every thought %%
%% you're my one attraction %%
%% you must be Heaven-sent %%
%% you give me so much satisfaction %%
%% you're the one %%
%% you make life worth fighting for %%
%% you're the one! %%
%% no, there's nobody quite like you %%
%% honey, you're the one %%
%% extra, extra %%
%% I'm in love %%
%% I'm gonna thank my lucky stars above %%
%% hurry, hurry %%
%% don't be late %%
%% I can't wait %%
%% I got to celebrate %%
%% it's a fact %%
%% we got a first-rate act %%
%% it's evident %%
%% when we make love %%
%% the main event %%
%% fight, fight, fight, fight %%
%% come on and fight, fight, fight, fight %%
%% fight for what you want %%
%% fight for what is real %%
%% fight to keep the one you love %%
%% if love is what you feel %%
%% love %%
%% don't try to kick me when I'm down %%
%% love %%
%% you're gonna give up without a sound %%
%% keep it comin' %%
%% look out, kid %%
%% 'cause love's a-comin' %%
%% keep it strong %%
%% I'm a knockout %%
%% so put up your dukes and %%
%% fight! %%
%% extra %%
%% I'm in love %%
%% hurry %%
%% don't be late %%
%% 'cause I can't wait %%
%% I got to celebrate %%
%% it's a fact %%
%% that we got a first-rate act %%
%% it's evident %%
%% when we make love %%
%% extra, extra %%
%% I'm in love %%
%% I got to thank my lucky stars above %%
%% hurry, hurry %%
%% don't be late %%
%% I can't wait %%
%% I got to celebrate %%
%% it's a fact %%
%% we got a first-rate act %%
%% it's evident %%
%% when we make love %%
%% the main %%
%% event! %%
%% when we make love %%
%% extra, extra %%
%% I'm in love %%
%% when we make love %%
%% I got to thank my lucky stars above %%
%% when we make love %%
%% hurry, hurry %%
%% don't be late %%
%% I can't wait, I got to celebrate %%
%% when we make love %%
%% you're the one %%
%% when we make love %%
%% you're the one %%
%% when we make love %%
{{{ the end }}}